"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

One of my SILs made a good example, I think. When her DCs were small, she stopped letting my mum look after them on her own because she totally ignored SIL's rules let them get into dangerous situations. But she was okay with me having them, even though she disapproved of much of what I did. I tried to keep to her rules and, when I didn't, at least I wasn't putting the kids at risk of breaking a limb.

I realise this morning's car trip is a borderline danger situation. But I wouldn't write them off altogether, as I suspect they're a bit scared of telling you anything that might worry you!! The best source of advice on that, of course, is DH.

Any better?

FTP, I would not like someone who has been advised to not drive to drive my kids about either. I think Grace has explained well why the il's did what they did. I am getting used to the boundaries thing too!

I wouldn't take a toddler to the cinema, or otu with someone who dislikes kids and is not expecting your beautiful ds. I would let her know of your situation and offer an alternative place or date!

Grace the visualising about cutting cords and you describing yours was very helpfull, thanks.

I have let i'm ok, your ok go to the outside world, I think reinstating that will help me.

I have made a mood board for my new year resolutions, and am still on the lookout for some more relevant pictures for the mood board. I have made myself a list of things i need to do to get to where I want to be also x

Hi everyone ! This thread moves so fast , its hard to keep up sometimes.

Reading through the posts since i was last here is quite a task , and again its repeated toxic behaviours that are happening.
Do the toxics realise they do the same things over and over ?

The main thing that jumps out its the "looking for an excuse for their behaviour" .
As in the mothers who become fixated on the "scapegoat child" having something wrong with them.
Quiddity & grace , both your mothers tried to convince you that you have autism, (my own it was anorexia ).
Good grief ! ...words fail me... as a mother of a child with autism myself , i would never wish that on any child.

Its almost like the toxics have munchousen by proxy (abet a milder form ).

Mh .. love the moodboard idea ! A nice visual reminder that you have a lot to be positive about !

I might do one myself !(will probably be covered in photos of DC & DH and cinema ticket stubbs ect.)

Hi everyone, I am trying to play catch up with all the posts but a few weeks is quite a lot of reading on this thread!

Quiddity and Grace after the birth of DD1 my mother tried to convince me I had PND. She told my MIL that I was gone in the head and managed to convince my HV that something wasn't right with me as the HV came to see me everyday (weekday) for about 4 weeks. BTW, I didn't have PND.

droves that is a great question.....'Do the toxics realise they do the same things over and over ?'.

I am going through the same old routine that I always do when I fall out with my mother. I'm not sure if any of you remember that my Mother had contacted my real father (who I've never known and she has never spoken to me about him), told him all about me and my DC then turned up at my house announced what she had done and then I hadn't heard a word from her since?

I had a text from her a few days before Christmas asking if she could have the kids around to her house to open their Christmas presents! No mention of anything else. So I replied something along the lines that she can't just swan into my house, drop a bombshell, ignore me for weeks and then think she can weedle her way back in through the kids. I told her that she owed me an explanation and she should have given it weeks ago.

The reply came as something like "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not trying to weedle my way back in, I just want to give the kids their presents"

To which I replied that she was not sorry at all otherwise she would have done the right thing for once and would have been round to try and sort it out by giving me 31 years worth of explanations.

Then I had the 'I feel sorry for myself text' along the lines of maybe it's too late for explanations now.

Nice of her to try!

Did she honestly think that I was going to say "yes I'll drop the kids off despite the fact that you've dropped a bombshell on me, given me no explanation at all and have ignored me for weeks". Plus I don't think it's a good idea for her to pluck the DC out of our family home and into her grasp. Besides, father christmas brings the presents, they don't go to other peoples houses before Christmas and open presents.

However, I'm still the one that ends up feeling guilty as the DC's had no Christmas presents from their GP's.

Anyway, fast forward to NYE, which happens to be my birthday, I have a snotty text from my SD saying he wants to bring the presents (kids) around, it was his idea to tell me (about them finding my real father) and that my mother wanted to keep it to herself and we could talk about it. I replied, no thanks, not on my birthday.
I did get a birthday card through the post from my parents which spoke volumes. For the last 4 years my mother has been handmaking cards, she even handmakes Christmas cards for everyone she knows, infact she is quite good at it. They sent me a cheap bought card for my birthday. I understand the message that is being sent and the significance of a bought card but to the outside world they have tried, they even sent me a birthday card! Very clever.

A couple of nights later I received a text message from my mother saying "Tried my best. Sorry it was not good enough.Give my love to the kids. Love them very much x".

Make of that what you will.

So the next day I get a text from my older brother asking if I had a strange text from mother and that he thinks it's a pre-suicide text. I just can't believe that he's been suckered in by her.....AGAIN

And droves this is what made me think that you posed a great question because we go through the same routine every time. I had to say to my brother "no, she is not suicidal she is attention seeking and I will not be drawn into it again." The thing is, if my mother did attempt suicide, she wouldn't pull it off because she would just be doing it for attention. There are no ends to what stunts my mother will start pulling now but so far it has been pretty predictable as I've seen it all before. The only difference is that this time I am ready to break the cycle.

I do not want to go through this again in another couple of years time. I owe it to my DH and DC and to myself to not let this woman put me down, criticise me, run my life anymore. I want to be independant of her, to break free once and for all.

Am I doing the right thing do you think? I really need your help to stay strong.

Hi mampam. I think you have done really well to state your feelings clearly to your mother and she is avoiding the issue. Well done for working so hard to break the cycle.

Sending you strength xx

mampam, you're doing brilliantly!
I am sure my toxic mum doesn't realise she does the same thing over and over because she is the queen of denial and anyway nothing is ever her fault.
It's amazing how alike they are--what your mother is doing is just a more extreme version of mine: dropped a bombshell, "I'm coming to stay for Christmas," and when we objected, she thought it was good enough to say "Oh please let's be nice."
Now she is complaining that my DCs and I haven't been sending her long chatty e-mails and saying "I hope when you are my age your children are kind to you, I really, really do."
Hmm, what is she subtly hinting at there, do you think?
Yesterday I got a couple of magazines she sent me dating from the beginning of last year and a newspaper clipping about "successful ageing" which I suppose to her proves she can handle long flights despite at least two serious health problems.
I still have to reply to the nasty e-mail. I hope I can be as brave as you are being. Stay strong, we are behind you!

It really does completely astonish me how alike they all are!!!

Labelling people,especially children, is one of my "mother's" very favourite pastimes. She can't get enough of it.

She diagnosed my son as autistic....interesting common theme there eh?

My sister and myself as anorexic.

My neice as ADHD, dyslexic and a whole bunch of other stuff over the years.

And of course as La Scapegoat....Me as demonic, evil, a genius, someone who must be stopped, and alcoholic as well as loads of other shite.

Older sister is perfect in every way, and it's only because I personally have made it "not fair" for her, that she has ended on drugs, in squats, selling her body, being promiscuous, catching std after std. Oh yes, my very existence was the root cause of ALL OF THAT.

The weird manipulative emails, notes, various cards that are loaded with meaning in their design, form, or whatever are SOOOOOOOO familiar. Also the never ending search for articles, books and websites to prove themselves right.

Oh and the tantrums if anyone dare suggest that they were anything but completely correct in their assessment of all of these conditions/ labels!

Not having anything to do with anything from "weirdworld" this Christmas, and after the learning and growing I did last year, made this last Christmas the best ever. For the very first time in 47 years, I was a little melancholy to take the decorations down. Normally I can't wait to get it over and done with and everyone out of my hair again.

Hello. Long time lurker here.

I haven't posted on here because as soon as I start to articulate I feel so depressed and overwhelmed. However, I feel that I really to get a handle on my toxic parents, in particular my mother. Family stuff happened over Christmas and I suddenly realised I'm about to get engulfed in a horrible despairing depression.

I have ordered Toxic Parents and instead of dreading it I am actually looking forward to reading it.

Sorry for the long post in advance but here goes:

Had a long chat with my younger sibling who was previously "the golden child". The sibling has done some perfectly normal and acceptable things recently careerwise and relationshipwise that suddenly meant they experienced for the first time the icy, furious blast of disapproval, the emotional blackmail and general selfish belittling that I, the whipping boy or black sheep, have been experiencing for years.

My sibling was crying and telling me how they could not "be themselves" in my parents house and what did that mean if you couldn't be yourself?

They always promised a place within the bliss of the familial hearth if only you would "do the right and moral thing", if only you "told the truth" and "did your best". But I've been doing that and playing the part of dutiful daughter for over 10 years and still the promised land isn't forthcoming.

So the scales falling from my siblings eyes has brought back a lot of painful stuff, particularly about my mother's savage attacks when she feels threatened.

I have tried confronting her in the past only to be told "But you were the one doing the all the stuff", that I was being manipulative by self harming, and my being abused my a family member was not the same as other cases of abuse because I "did it willingly", which is so far from the truth. I was groomed from the age of 6 or 7 and the abuse began when I was 12 and stopped when I was old enough to stop it. (This is the one that I just can't forgive, especially as she sent me to live with that family member knowing that he had tried to molest her when she was a young adult. But to her it was more important to get me out of the house and save her marriage).

My parents were in my house over Christmas and it's like a horrible poisonous mist of selfishness has been left by them, everything had to revolve around them and their moods and atmospheres and yet they don't see it at all, they see themselves as warm, realistic people who "can't lie".

I feel depleted and frozen.

Hello wildstrawberry.

You are not resonsible for what the adults did to you as a child. How coud you possibly be?

Depleted and frozen is familiar. Frozen, yes, I know what it is to be frozen.

I am glad that you have your sister now, in a way that you didn't before, and I hope that you can support one another.

Hi wildstrawberry. I've typed and deleted several things on this post. I hope you find it supportive to know that you have been heard.

Hi all, and welcome wildstrawberry, as Bookcase has said, you are being heard x

Hi wildstrawberry

I have just relised that my pearnents are not toxic they are just selfish and negletful of their children.

Also its not just my mum and Dad i have problems with its my two sisters and my ex-brother.

Can i still post here?

Hi findingthepath, welcome also x

Thanks.

The thing that I find very difficult is that my parents, from the outside, are charismatic and successful people in the public eye. They are highly qualified professionals at the top of their careers, the big thing is about how intelligent and clever they are, but also that they are moral and truth tellers. I on the other hand, am a chronic underachiever who never fulfilled the youthful potential (I went to Oxbridge but it was downhill from there - actually it was not downhill, until DC I had a perfectly good career in the public sector but I didn't become a doctor or scientist or whatever).

However, I feel like all my energy has been spent on grimly surviving, bridging the gap between normality and craziness in my family, that all the dramas of my parents marriage have been played out on the field of my self.

I've spent a lot of time having therapy and pretty much all the therapists I've had have (within the confines of professional code of conduct!) pointed the finger at my parents, ironically including my first psychotherapist, who they picked for me because a friend of theirs had had his head shrunk by her and said that she was incredibly morally hard on her clients. At that stage I was still fully "brainwashed" (my sister used this word about her former relationship with them during our chat), and it was the therapist who was trying to make me see that my parents were emotional abusers. Typically of them though, they would think I was running to compain about them and how unfairly I was treated, which actually I never did.

When I was last having therapy, I sobbed to my therapist that the only way I could exist freely and have a real life was if I cut them off and told them I couldn't see them anymore. He raised an eyebrow and said simply, "Yes. Why can't you do that?"

The answer is suppose because then I would become the deranged crazy home wrecker that I've always been painted as by my mother. Always wanting to break up her marriage to my stepfather.

The answer to all of these questions about why can't I live my life, why I can't be free, why I can't graduate to adulthood etc is the same: because of my parents.

Sorry, starting to feel ranty now so I'll stop.

Thanks for reading, hearing.

Hello Wildstrawberry and everyone else on these boards, you are all so articulate and we all help each other here, i don't post much as i don't know where to start, have that exhausted feeling when i try to begin, but reading and empathising with you all is a comfort

Thanks MH

No wildstrawberry. You wouldn't become the 'deranged crazy home wrecker'. You would be saying enough is enough and looking out for your own needs instead of giving weight to their judgements.

How about making this year about you and not them? xx

wildstrawberry, welcome.
I went to Oxbridge too and also ended up in a career that gives you little status and less money. My DB was sent to career counsellors, but as far as my father was concerned, women only need to work until they get married, so it didn't matter what I did afterwards. Mother only interested in herself. I guess I should have been able to figure it out for myself but as you say we weren't allowed to graduate to adulthood.
For a long time I felt like youI must be the problem, they seem to cope with the world fine. But that's what all abusers dopresent a charming face to the world and take out their issues on a scapegoat at home.

It was only recently that I realised that emotional neglect can be just as bad as abuse, so I didn't even say enough about it for therapists to pick it up.
serajen, I know how you feel, sometimes everyone else on here seems to have figured everything out. But they are still struggling too or they wouldn't be here.And sometimes you might post what you feel is a trivial point but it can trigger a massive insight for someone else.

I realised yesterday after meeting up with the old school friend again, how very much I miss having poper friends, it is nice to have reconnected to him and to be able to be open to him. I am seeing the old best friend next week, I am going to be carefull with her.

I am struggling auite badly with feeling worthless, unloved, not ok, not respected and not cared about. I had a cry about it this afternoon.

I do know I am loved by myself and my children. I do know that my life is worthwhile, as I have done so much in the past, am a prent now and there will be more for me in the future. I am ok if I believe I am ok. I am learning to respect myself, I am showing others how to respect me and I am placing boundaries in. I care about me, my children care about me. I am working on being enough for myself! I am enough!

oops spelling!

proper not poper, quite not auite, parent not prent

MH i also realised i need proper friends.

I meet up with my best friend leaster day and we had a fab time. I think it was the best time we had in the past 5 years. I was careful not to be augementative and to respect her opioin and what she had to say and it went realy well.

I really want to meet up with her again. It was nice going out for coffee and luch with my friend just me and air with out my husband there. I felt normal for a few hours it was great.

The only problem is that i think she thinks my DH is coming on to her as he said she could stay over and he is friendly with her. I dont think she is use to men being friends with women without them fancying the woman and so she is weary of him. It does not help that in the past 2 of my bf have told her they fancied her.

I dont know how to explain that my DH works in a woman donimated environment and has girls as friends and that he does not fancy her but wants me to have my friend to stay and for me to be happy

I'm dyslexic so sorry about spelling

How about asking your hubby to stay over at a mates the next time your friend is staying over with you, and he can take your ds with him?

I am pleased that it went well with your friend x