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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

1000 replies

MummieHunnie · 15/12/2010 13:15

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

OP posts:
findingthepath · 07/01/2011 15:00

My DH is disabled and can't look after our son on his own and i would not kick them out of their home just for my friends sake.

My friend is 30 this year and still lives at home with her mum and she has never had a boyfriend. Her best friend is a 23 yo girl and they acted like teenagers together. I'm married with a child and my own home. I feel like she needs to grow up but she has a superiorty completx with me as she thinks she is more intelegent then me and she is very opioinated. My Husband thinks she is guy and i just dont care one way or the other as we have lots in common when we get past the differences.

I just need to find a compramise thats works for everyone and i think spending a few hours at a mall will work.

All our friends are single and live at home so having our son with us is wiered for them Hmm

ItsGraceAgain · 07/01/2011 16:05

Hello, wildstrawberry - I wanted to say exactly what thisis said in her first reply to you!

ftp - if it poisoned you, it's toxic. That's the only benchmark! I'm so glad your trip out went well :) x

MH, I do love your posts.

thisishowifeel · 07/01/2011 17:52

It is seriously only a metter of time before one of my extended family posts on this thread.

FTP it isn't just parents is it....they are just part of the "system". Many moons ago someone likened it to the film, The Matrix.

The difference is that we on here have spotted that it ain't right, and have had a glimpse through to the other side.

I for one, could not live, like so many do, and I did for years, with a foot on either side of the divide. That would truly drive me insane, and nearly did.

The only way, for me, is to be completely cut off, as strawberry's therapists ahev suggested.

thisishowifeel · 07/01/2011 17:52

It is seriously only a metter of time before one of my extended family posts on this thread.

FTP it isn't just parents is it....they are just part of the "system". Many moons ago someone likened it to the film, The Matrix.

The difference is that we on here have spotted that it ain't right, and have had a glimpse through to the other side.

I for one, could not live, like so many do, and I did for years, with a foot on either side of the divide. That would truly drive me insane, and nearly did.

The only way, for me, is to be completely cut off, as strawberry's therapists ahev suggested.

quiddity · 08/01/2011 13:34

"I have just relised that my pearnents are not toxic they are just selfish and negletful of their children.
"Also its not just my mum and Dad i have problems with its my two sisters and my ex-brother."
ftp, it's not you, it's them. All of them.
Emotional neglect can be just as bad as active abuse. If you read Toxic Parents you will see that one variety is "inadequate parents." Pete Walker says the same thing.
If you have problems getting on with your siblings, it's because you're the family scapegoat so they all take out the whole family's dysfunction on you.

Right now I am so envious of all of you who have cut contact. My toxic mother has abandoned the whinging strategy and gone back to bombarding me with e-mails about her activities as though all is well and I have nothing to be upset about, in the hope that I will look bad for ignoring her when she's being so friendly.

findingthepath · 08/01/2011 22:00

Hi I hope everyone had a good day Grin

I have an issue I need to work out how I feel about as I have conflicting feelings and I ?m kind of hoping you guys can help me sort through it?

My eldest sister is pregnant with twins due in April. She has a 9 year old and has been trying for 5 years to conceive so I?m really happy for her. The problem is with me. I keep daydreaming about being a good auntie e.g. taking them out, helping look after them, birthday party?s basically just normal family things. But my sister is not normal at all.

She has asked me for my old baby clothes and baby bath and things I?m not using right now. So I have got some of the stuff she wants ready. But I don?t want to give it to her because when I had my baby she didn?t help me with anything, she came over when DS was 10 days old and did housework and washing but she just put me down all the time. She called me up and told me I was nuts and had PND, she shouted this at me and real upset me. Then she asked ? how would I read books to my son as I was dyslexic? and told me ?she was going for a bike ride with her son and I would never do that with my son as I?m too over weight?. She was mean and jealous because I had a baby and she only had one son who she thinks is stupid and does not like.

I asked my mum to ask her for petrol money for us to bring them over so she called me and said ?don?t make a special journey just bring them when you come see the twins after they are born? so she does not have to pay me petrol money. I just don?t like her, its one rule for her and another for everyone else.

She didn?t want to know me when I had my son and she took it as a personal insult to her as she could not have any more kids. Now she thinks she can get something off me she is being friendly and two faced. She hates it that our parents don?t like her older son and they like my son and she just took all her frustration out on me and made me worse. I think she was a big factor in me getting PND.

But there is a big part of me that wants things to be normal and to think that if I help her out she will see what a nice person I am and want to be my friend or at least a better sister to me but I know no matter what I do she will not change. I just shouldn?t bother and just let her get on with it herself but I wish it could change Sad

So what should I do?
A) Give her my stuff and expected nothing in return
b) Make up a reason for not giving her my stuff
c) Don?t give her my stuff and tell her way I feel like I do
Also if you got this far well done Smile
PS. I used spell checker did it work or is there still mistakes? Grin

ItsGraceAgain · 08/01/2011 22:12

C.

findingthepath · 08/01/2011 22:17

Thanks grace Smile

Also its why not way.

BookcaseFullofBooks · 09/01/2011 00:45

I would choose C too ftp. You can try to make it better until you're blue in the face but if she doesn't see your point of view then your only option is to do what is best for you.

I hope everyone is okay. Grace, trs and Nemo I'm thinking of you in particular xx

findingthepath · 09/01/2011 09:38

Nemo hasn't been here for a bit i hope she is ok

findingthepath · 10/01/2011 13:42

Grace i'm worried about Bookcase.

Please have a llok in chat at her thread and her last post.

Is there any way to check that she is ok?

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 16:36

FTP, I was wondering what thread in Chat you were referring to?

OP posts:
findingthepath · 10/01/2011 16:39

Its called "I can't do this anymore"

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 16:44

I found it in the end, and have now posted after reading the last page of the thread, thanks, glad she is back x

OP posts:
findingthepath · 10/01/2011 16:51

Me too as i was getting worried Sad

it ok now.

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 17:05

I was looking around and saw a post from nemo earlier today, she is therefore still around, just not posting on sh.

OP posts:
findingthepath · 10/01/2011 17:12

Thanks as long as she is ok

toomanystuffedbears · 10/01/2011 18:20

Hi findingthepath,
I would choose C as well. And you know, you don't owe her an explanation if you don't want to get into it (because you don't owe her anything at all-including "family duty", iykwim). Wink

She knows she treats you like crap, after all she choses to treat you that way. Your tolerance has been angelic; but you are human and enough is enough for putting up with her behavior.

You could say as a generalization rather than getting into a shopping list of 'proof':
"After the way you have treated me, you are expecting WHAT?" "Um, no, please use someone else from now on."

Good luck. I know it isn't going to be easy. What ever the fallout, after all, enough is enough.

findingthepath · 10/01/2011 20:52

I still haven't called my sister back but i ask my mum to ask her how much petrol money is she going to give me as its 90 miles there and another 90 miles back.

She said she would not give me any petrol money as she "can afford it" - yep i can? Hmm

So when i called her she just told me to bring it when i would have normaly come down to see her new babies. Yet i never said i was coming to see them.

I said yes ok on the phone and if she ever calls to find out why i didn't come over i will tell her i never planed too and i couldn't afford the petrol money.

Issuse solved. I dout she will ever call me as she is too busy with her children Hmm

findingthepath · 10/01/2011 20:58

Sorry last post confusing - i called my mum and not my sister.

"she cant afford petrol money - yet i can Hmm"

My mum told me to bring it when i come to see sisters new babies.

i have been up since 5am sorry i'm so tired my post hardly makes any sence

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 21:49

FTP, petrol has gotten sooooo expensive now, it would be cheaper for you to order her a baby bath or whatever and have it delivered online, also no waste of your time or energy.

OP posts:
findingthepath · 10/01/2011 22:09

Well i'm kind of thinking if she can't afford her own baby bath and has to wait for me to bring one or even offer a tener for petrol then 1) why is she having more kids and 2) she is just using people and tring to be the centre of attantion.

My xbrother wife is pg as well and they are all due in April and according to my mum XSIL does not feel as if she can be happy about her baby cos she will take the limelight off elder sister. My elder sister already has a son and this will be first child for xsil. I kind of feel sorry for her.

When i had Air my sister made me feel horrible for having a child and having PND and not being able to cope just cos she couldn't have more children.

I just dont like my elder sisters atturde but as i'm not speaking/do not have contact with the rest of my family i feel like i should "play nice" with her.

Hopeful with counciling and with her being busy i might be able to have no contact with all my family Grin

Original poster
MummieHunnie · 10/01/2011 22:15

I have just had a quick look on the mothercare site, there is a bath you can put inside the normal bath for £14 and similar price for the one's that you can use independanty, it would be cheaper and easier to get her a new one and have it delivered, which you will probably get for under £20, and let that be the end of the rubbish that the babybath is being used to represent.

OP posts:
findingthepath · 10/01/2011 22:24

My mum was going to buy her one!

My mum and dad give £250 per new grandchild, so they were going to buy her a bath and another bouncy chair but my sister will not say what she needs or wants them to buy. She had said she wanted them to by a bath and she wants my baby bath but as my other sister pointed out you can't wash two babies in seprate babybaths at the same time!

Ihave no idea what she is trying to do to be honest as she is acting weried.

When i was last at my mum's and she was there she was stroking my son's coat and said "At least we know they are boys and we will get some good clothes off you!".

I then told her no i'm keeping all the good clothes incase i have another!

I just want to ingnore them and get on with my own life.

findingthepath · 10/01/2011 22:26

I'm so glad i moved away from them right now Grin

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