"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Oh that's great. He sounds lovely and supportive.

Grace, that sounds so stressful, no wonder you collapsed when you got home. I understand absolutely about the triangulation--in my family, if any problem was actually mentioned at all, it was because A grumbled about B to C, who then passed it on to B. Not that there was ever any discussion between any of those pairs. So nothing ever got resolved, it was like living in a pressure cooker.
It still goes on. Today I had an e-mail from toxic mum. Since she ignored my long e-mails about why she's not up to transatlantic flight, I have been responding to her at long intervals in one-liners. I never tell her much anyway--I really resent it. Meanwhile she drones on happily about whatever she's been up to.
Anyway she's now complaining that I never answer her questions, which doesn't bother me on its own.
But now she's criticising my DCs for not telling her about their lives in their e-mails. She said they were "very insociable," which was such a huge trigger for me. It's what she used to attack me for on the rare occasions I used to venture out of my room as a teenager. Apparently it translates into not telling her your private business.
I am furious but can't decide whether to let her have it and point out that I have nothing to tell her because due to exactly that kind of attack on me years ago I don't have a life. It might be a relief to get everything into the open (although she probably won't even deny it, she'll just ignore everything).
But not taking the bait and keeping her waiting, and then a one-line answer, might annoy her more.
Sorry, rant over.

Aargh, I'm so furious I struck out half my own rant without meaning to!

It's still readable quiddity. It sounds like you're really sticking to your guns with her. Good for you x

Thank you bookcase...have now spotted all sorts of other mistakes because I was typing in such a fury.
I really appreciate you making the effort to read it and comment, I know you're having a very rough time yourself.
The thing is, she sees it as me, and these horrid GCs whom I have brought up like me, being mean to her.
"Unsociable" is a very bad word in her books.
If I didn't want to talk to her, how could it possibly have anything to do with the fact that she would screech at me for hours about how the sight of me made her feel sick? Then if I avoided her afterwards I was being unsociable.
Then at one time she decided I was autistic and sent me books about it. Apparently I was doing it deliberately and I was supposed to treat myself with these books
And yet I'm still feeling guilty at ignoring her. :(

YES, Quiddity, that's it exactly! (even with the line through, heh) Mine just rang & said she's going to write to DB, so I told her to make sure she reads mine first. I can't stop the bloody triangulation, but I can make it crystal clear that I'm not playing.

You must have felt very shocked when you heard her saying the same about DCs that she said about you. Even when I think I've worked all those labels through, I still get a jolt of anger (and shame, god help me) when I hear one I'd forgotten, or an old one worded differently.

I dunno, I understand your logic in playing with your mum ... but, if you've never actually said your stuff to her, maybe it is time? I'll be interested to hear how you respond.

I really tried pointing out some stuff about our childhood to my brother - but he just went blank on me :( You can talk, but you can't make someone hear what you're saying can you?

I'm independant
I'm good at cooking rissoto
I'm emotional stronger than i relise

i need a hug

(((ftp)))

(((hugs))) from me too, ftp

Grace, it's not just playing with her, it's partly that I don't trust my own judgement and don't know what would be the "normal"/right/sensible thing to do.
And also the least painful.
And I'm scared because even though she likes to make out I was the world's worst teenager, she had broken me by the time I was about 14 and I never stood up to her about anything.
And in my entire life my family has never dealt with an issue by talking about it.

And what you said too about talking to your brother but not being able to make him hear, which is exactly what happened when my DB and I tried to explain to her she's not up to long flights any more.

I will go back and read your posts afterwards.

Well Mother is definatly no longer EVER going to be part of my life again now. I sent her the message from dn's mother. To be frank I have no idea who to believe or what went on. Dn's mother seems to be of the impression that all is well in her life and I should have some therapy for childhood issues, which is fine, it is also scapgegoating/denail from her?

I had a fb message from dn's mother, according to her dn was taken (kidnapped) and brought here without her knowledge, she said she would not have agreed to dn going without her and had no idea what Mother had been doing.

I did think that there was something of Mother coming here with the baby like the baby was some sort of a gift for me, that she was using the child to show me she was letting me see the baby. I though it was all odd!

I can't do this anymore, I can't go to joint therapy with her, I doubt she will go, I really don't care anymore, I really don't want anything more to do with any of them, it is all negative and not the sort of things I want involvement in.

oh dear, so many of you have had issues too, I am sorry to read that, hugs for all who need them x

Argh, quiddity, I knew I shouldn't have used the word "playing"! Yes, I did understand that staccato messages & long silences are a way to manage your communication with her - doing what works :)

And - erm, there's no 'normal' way to deal with a mother like yours!
In a normal family:
Relatives would not invite themselves to stay.
On arrival, they would not take over your home.
If they were too unwell to travel, they'd discuss it with you and seek advice.
Finally - they wouldn't ignore your statement that you didn't want them to visit!
So you may as well forget about normal and do whatever gives you the fewest wrinkles, under the circumstances.

Oh, I groaned with recognition at your autism story! The only reason my mum didn't do that to me is that I knew about autism before she did! I'm still getting rid of the endless self-help books she's given me, and have almost managed to stop her bringing me weird herbal remedies (that cost a fortune) to cure me of my ills. Because, of course, my ills couldn't possibly have anything to do with the strange & twisted family environment that subsumed me, could it?

I do feel it will do you good to stand against your mum. I realise it may take quite bit of building yourself up to it.

Am gobsmacked by your M stealing your niece to show off with, MH! At least this seems to have given you the impetus to stop trying to repair her. Which is a GOOD thing!

ftp, you are sweet, kind and funny, you know? Belated hugs from me, too :)

Grace, I think your description of a normal family is important, as I had no idea what one would look like until quite recently, and I am still learning, and adjusting in this family.

I have been up all night crying my eye's out, and reading on the net.

I feel I have ruined my kids lives, I think this is too hard for them to have just me and for me to be grieving in therapy and not the mother they deserve, I think so often they would be better off away from this crap that I have brought into their lives. I then think of the options and realise that this crap is the best they have available to them and it makes me sad.

I hadn't realised that I was trying to reapir her, I think I am coming to terms that she is a smothering narc tendancy and I am fearfull i am too... or was! I just wanted what anyone wants to be loved and to get along. I simply can't do it anymore, if the niece's mum is right or if there was a conspiracy or what ever, I can't be around them. I contacted the nices mother with plenty of notice and made my boundaries clear, and was respectfull of her, by stating neutral place, mutually agreeable time.

I will probably never see my niece again, the children will never see her again, all I got was a glimpse as I told mother No, that my boundaries were trampled all over. I am heartbroken really, I would have loved to have cuddled her, and the kids played with her, and to have seen her and known her, it would have cost me so very much to have done so, and I and my children have to come before that, as she would have crushed my boundaries worse next time, and on and on it would have gone, so in effect I ended up hurting myself by standing up for myself and I hurt my children and my niece for principles and boundaries.

Grace, did you hear back from any family member?

No, they haven't replied. I expect Mum will - trying to change my pov - but don't expect to hear anything from DB or SIL. This is my sadness: I've taken a deliberate step away from them. I do suppose I'll hear from DB again, but probably not for many months.

I've been thinking back over our interactions, and realised I don't need to over-analyse them at all. They can be summed up as:
Me - I'm OK, you're all OK.
SIL - I'm OK, you're not OK.
DB - I'm OK, aren't I? Tell me I'm OK!
Mum - I'm OK as long as you all tell me I'm OK.
It's too wearing.
SIL is a mental health professional!!

You seem to be feeling that detachment pain yourself, MH. It does hurt. You know that visualisation exercise, with the cord-cutting? At the moment, my 'cords' seem to be not so much breaking as fraying & pulling away, strand by strand.

I think you're providing your kids with a great gift. You're giving them emotional intelligence, insight and unconditional love. When I think about my nieces & nephews, and how far lacking they are in those gifts, I feel ever so sad for the cock-ups they will make in their lives, never realising these are the mistakes of the families which 'programmed' them. Breaking that pattern is tough work, as we all know. To free your children from it can be even tougher, and it's something to be proud of!

Anyone else had a bad day?

PIL took son out this morning and then droped him off at nursary to be told by staff to take him home as last terms bill had not be paid by ss and they would not take him.

Que huge tantrum as he loves going.

I called sw and he was out then called FSW how had emiles saying they intend to contniue to pay.

I'm upset as he likes it there and now MIL has something she can put me down with.

Its the only help i get and i didn't relise how much i relied on it untill it was gone. He only goes 2 afternoons a week.

2moro i have my friend comes up and we were going to go for a meal and a film. For the first time in over 2 years.

Its completly thrown me now and i dont know if i can take a 23 month old to the cinema or not and my friend does not really like children so i have been on eggshells all week. My friend leads such a different life from me i think its going to be hard to reconnect with her.

And now i have to meet her with my happy, hansome little boy in tow im so neroves.

I had trouble getting up today and now i have to get me and air ready and get two bus and spend the day being socialble - i dont think its going to go well!

Also i forgot to mention my lates .

FIL has lost some of the feeling in his feet throu a med condition and he was told yeasterday that he will have to stop driving.

He picked son up and drove round town but after he droped him back with me he had to get MIL to drive to bowls as he was just too ill and didn't want to have an accident.

But it was ok for him to drive with my son in the car and in a forward facing car seat?

I only got told by DH when he called to say sorry for the nursary mess up.

That was a set-back, ftp. Hope your funding gets sorted quickly. I remember how important your meeting with your friend was to you. Is it worth letting her know about the nursery, giving her the option to rearrange and/or do something child-friendly tomorrow?

I really understand why you're cross.
But please try giving FIL the benefit of the doubt - it's most likely he weighed up the pros & cons of leaving you in the lurch wrt DS, and chose to make one trip for your sake, instead of driving to bowls. Also, do his feet get worse as the day goes on?

I think it does get worse as the day goes on. But if he had told me i would not have let them take my son out. Hence them not telling me

I just can't trust them and when i already have anx about the safety of my son its just taking the mick. They have lied to me before about having the dog in the same room as my son at their house. I would have thou after last time they weould know better than to not tell me.

I could leave Air with them tomoro but i just can't trust them so he is going to have to come with me and if my firend can't handle me with my son then i guess its just one more lost friendship

She is the only friend i have at the mo and were not that close anymore, so its important to me to make this work but i need her to make the effort with my son too.

Ok, so they think you worry too much and you think they should respect your worries. Fair enough. Thanks for the explanations; I admire your boundaries :)

Am i being a bit childish about this?

They did me a fav and my son is home safe and sound. It was nice of them to take him when they dont have too.

I know that even if the placement is nolonger funded i will cope with everything it will just be a bit harder.

But for some reason i still feel like going

:-p

@ :p

In my opinion, ftp - and it's only my opinion - they shouldn't decide to ignore your requirements, but you should weigh up the pros & cons of letting them help. The sanest way forward, surely, is to negotiate with them? So that, frexample, if they happen to have the dog in the same room as DS, they know you don't like it and tell you about it. Then you can do your "oh, what a pity, never mind he seems okay, but please do try avoid it as he's asthmatic (or whatever your reason is)"

Basically I don't feel you should let people override your boundaries but it is helpful to be flexible for practical purposes.

Sorry, I haven't expressed this very well