"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Poorly.
Sad.
Frustrated.
Alive.

Fab hope you feel better soon hugs xx

Thanks.
Feel crap but I will be fine. Have been through worse.

I hope everyone else had a great/good/bearable time.
My DCs were lovely so the bits when they were around were really nice. Had to bury myself in a book the rest of the time to shut out the world the rest of the time. Not able to communicate with friends during those times--I'm not sure what that's about.
I still have to get through a family gathering, which would be fine except I've already had to endure a call from an aged relative who enquired after toxic mum, who's in the UK, and aged relly got rather huffy when it became clear I hadn't spoken to TM, didn't know what the weather was doing where she was and didn't care. I"m expecting lots of inquiries at the family do and I just can't be bothered to pretend any more. But I'm a bit anxious about how they'll take it.

Argh. I'm trapped in other people's scripts! Am drinking to achieve temporary catatonia & avoid trying to resolve issues they think they want to fix, but are quite comfortable with really I'm mumsnetting from my phone so can't read or post properly ... Just wanted to say ARGH!

ARGH!

Grace, at least you have the selfawareness to see they are trying to drag you into their scripts, I guess it is hard after being with them for such a long period of time.

Quiddity, how did the family do go?

Well golden brother has been in the uk for a few days not, and I have heard nothing, I asked that they give me 48 hours notice. I would lay my bottome dollar that the parents are doing their upmost to make themselvs look wonderful to dn's mother. I remember father did that to bro's first wife. He would ask her what was her favorite perfume and buy it for her and me, never asked me what I like, and I hated the perfurme. He woiuld ask her what dinner service she wanted and what colour, not ask me and then buy her what she wanted, and get me bits of the same set, expect me to be delighted with the set and the colour, which is the colour I hated most in the world, not that he would know he never asked and has no idea who I am or any interest in findig out who I am, so I look ungratefull etc... So they will be breaking their necks to please her and her child, the same man who ignores my children and gives them nothing!

It went ok! Thank you for asking mh
I hope everyone else is recovering. It's been very quiet around here for the past few days.

Aged relly, poor thing, was too frail to trouble me much--pestered me for toxic mum's phone number but she had to get it from someone else as I didn't have it.
The other thing I was worried about was toxic SIL but over time I have reached the stage where I don't care if she talks to me or not. And recently a friend who has also had the cold-shoulder treatment from her said to me "Does she have any friends? She always seems to be on her own" and I realised it was true and that other people are starting to see through her too.
Then there was a speech-making part where the person who was being the MC said I could say something if I wanted but I might not want to because I was extremely shy. So I realised they don't all just think I'm weird and unfriendly! That was a huge relief.
As for not being able to call or see friends, I think it must be because the thought triggers memories of teenage years stuck alone in house with toxic mum while my DB escaped to visit his friends. I don't know how to deal with that one.

I am fuming, mother showed up with stepfather and the baby, I told the mother of the baby that I wanted 48hours notice, and to agree a place and time, they just turned up and expected to be gratefull, now they ahve a sotry of what a nasty person I am, they bloody played games there and used that baby taking her out in the cold to play games with her, I raging at them. I told them no she was not coming in. They can all go and rot in hell now for this, they will never chagne tehy shat all over my boundaries and set me up, sod them!

Reading everything,and sending my warmest thoughts to everyone.

Not good here.Pipes bursting and floods everywhere after no heat or water for a week.

This has eclipsed all the usual nonsense.... with p's and b's trying to persuade my dc ,over the phone,that I am standing in the way of what would otherwise be a "normal" family ,and that they will collect my dc at a moments' notice for a visit ,without me...as reported to me by dc,but denied by p's when confronted by me......and so on,and so on...

Have been on phone to Samaritans a lot during the past few nights.And eaten tons of bread,butter and chocolate.And drunk way too much wine...

My mum did the fake illness thing you were talking about.

She had asthma and no one else by her had an inhaler - my brother and sister and DN all have inhalers and in wales they give you two at a time.

I thout of you guys and i nearly laughed that she was doing what you said she wood.

I just told her i'm not a doctor and to go call the out of hours doctor if she needed too. This is what she said to me when i'm ill.

Then she said the weather would be better next week when DH is off work. I said yes so we have made plans have a nice xmas and i hung up.

My eldest sister is 25 weeks pg with twins and no one had heared from her over xmas and i ask xmum if she had and she said no and she isn't bothered. I even explained that it was a high risk pg and was she not concered and my mum said no my sister shouldn't be pg in the first place and what happens is her own fault.

I truly hate her and she has no right to be called a mother

I have just got a xmas card from my SIL and my xbrother

Do you think i should get their house phone number and call her and explain that i dont want to know them and why?

I'm really tempted, maybe my xbrother hasn't told her what he did?

My DH just put it in the bin and has told me to ignore it and they will stop but i want her to know why i dont want to know her!

She is 20+ weeks pg and i dont want to upset her but i want her to leave me alone.

gerrrr

Findingthepath id just ignore her ..she`ll get the hint , or get bored and go elsewhere.

You have a wise DH.
GIVE HIM A HUG RIGHT NOW !

Will make you feel better.

Hi everyone. I hope your Christmas went well and your New Year starts positively too.
Love and hugs xxx

Mine was great , until i picked up my oldest 3 kids from the ex mil (ex-h had them from 28 th dec , his court appointed access ).

EX-h dumped them on his mum because he was sleeping

As the kids loaded their gifts into the boot of my car (theyre 10 , 12 and 15 btw) ex-mil called them "the fife brats".

Loving grandmother ? Nah , old bitch.

i just gave her the look .

hope she gets piles.

Oh droves thats not nice of your ex mil or exh. I hope your kids are ok now they are with you again. Your exmil sounds a right old bag.

oh littletrees thats awful ... no wonder you want to scream .

Littletrees

That was typical toxic behaviour on the part of your mother (never accepting responsibility and never apologising). Have you thought about cutting her off altogether?. I dare say she brings nothing at all positive into your life.

At least I did not have the ILs here Boxing Day so that was a result (am glad to have had a bad cold for once).

MIL did her usual passive aggressive type crap with her seperate Christmas cards to Mr Meerkat and I. He got a "nice" paper card, I get the cheapy one from the bottom of the selection box as per usual.

MIL is a truly pathetic, toxic and damaged individual.

I'm slowly figuring out what happened during my stay with Golden Bro - and have sent a 'detachment' email to him, his wife and my mother.

I was really ill for a few days after coming home. Physically ill, but felt it was due to something that happened while I was with them. I felt a bit guilty about being moody & grumpy during their stay - they did their best, and I do like seeing them and their numerous kids. But they left me alone for long stretches, and the atmosphere is pretty bad due to their marriage problems & rivalry between the two sets of DCs.

At one point, while I was alone in their house, I heard myself saying (out loud) "There aren't any grown-ups in this house". What was happening to me was an extended flashback to childhood, where neither parent was an adult and I (eldest) was supposed to be responsible for family relationships.

DB and SIL both talked to me, separately, about their marriage and DC problems. I also talked with a friend of theirs and the older DCs. So I felt, again, like the child who was supposed to heal the family. I tried to share what I've learned about old patterns dictating current behaviours, but it fell on deaf ears. I felt - rightly or wrongly - they expected me to make it all better, and of course I can't.

In my email, I acknowledged my own moodiness and their pain. I said I feel they could be more responsible in their approach to their problems. I said I'm available if they want to talk about ways forward (they won't) but I don't want to hear any more of their anger. I copied it to Mum as they've also been talking to her: each person begging the other not to say anything. I told them I won't be part of any more triangles, hence this effort at full transparency.

My letter wasn't perfect but imo it said what I intended, was free from blame and even-handed. But I still feel pretty awful. I'm conflicted, not only by my love for my brother - who is far from innocent in all this - but also by my lifelong 'duty' to help resolve my family's relationship issues.

I suppose this is the pain of detachment; I don't feel strong enough to carry it through, or even sure I really want to. Not sure I need an answer to this post, but I did need to write it!
Thanks for reading

Quick question for the psychologically-aware.
I've noticed I used the word "warmth" in my email, meaning emotional warmth. They keep their house very hot. Now, I'm totally non-British about cold, but their home is BOILING! I just wondered whether they've unconsciously turned up the heat to provide the "warmth" that's missing? Has anyone else come across this, or is my idea ridiculous?

Attila, forgive me if I've already read this - how does your H deal with his mother? Does her craziness cause tension between you, or have you figured out a working approach?

Hi. I know you have all been dealing with difficult relatives over the holiday but wondered if i could ask for some support again. I started a thread here just before Christmas.

Not many people seem to be responding to it at the moment and I'm getting a complex on top of the one I already have!

Sorry, I just realised how rude that was to interrupt like that.