Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Started typing my post over an hr ago in between putting up decorations so missed your post Fire . Welcome to the thread.

For all the struggling Dumplings let me say this is my 3rd xmas & both last year & this year have been fine. Each year gets a million times easier so just hang in there. The first one is really hard so just make it as easy as you can & perhaps if dc's are young just keep focus on santa etc. Fire, you know you don't actually have to send xmas cards if you're finding it too hard. The first year I still sent them out from xh aswell (this of course was because I was delusional & in denial & thought marriage could still be saved!!!). Tbh I haven't bothered sending them out the past two years but that's just cause I realised most of the people I was sending them to were not real friends anyway . So just do whatever feels right for you & makes things easier would be my advice. You're a dumpling so you've a great excuse to just do as you please!

I have told xp and ow exactly what I think of them and it hasn't gone down well. That would be a slight understatement but that is basically it. DS now refuses to see xp so it's all backfired on me. They steal 3 years of my life and I have to pick up the pieces. I don't feel I can cope anymore. I'm having terrible thoughts. GP already gave me phone no. for nhs counselling and I phoned a few days ago and have been told I will be seen within 2 weeks. I'm not the highest priority because I have "protecting factors" but I think I'm still a fairly high priority. I know I am very, very depressed now. I am also on the waiting list for Relate (individual, not as a couple obviously).

I don't feel able to let go of my old life yet. Think it's got a lot to do with my dad and all the other crap that has happened; son being assaulted, court case etc. I thought I was being supported through a terrible time when in reality xp and ow were using these opportunities to screw around. No condoms. Every bad thought leads to another bad thought which makes it all a million times worse. 1 bad thought x 1 bad thought = no hope for anyone.

What happens to you when you say you can't cope and noody can hear? I know you are all listening and I appreciate it but I can't confide in anyone in RL. There isn't anyone. And I feel so ashamed.

LC - I have PM'd you my number if you ever want to talk to anyone, I may not be able to give you much advice but would willingly listen and help in anyway I can.

You were so strong a few months ago when you gave me so much help and great advice, you will get there again. At least you are getting the help that you need from your GP. I am still having more bad days than good, but I am sure that in time I will get there. I have got to see Occ Health at work on Wednesday as they are still worried about me.

I cannot believe the amount of pain and hurt that these men can cause, never in a million years would I want to cause this much pain to anyone. LC my thoughts are with you.

Hello - thanks to everyone for welcome.

LC - glad to hear you are on counselling waiting list, but so sorry to hear you say that you feel ashamed. It is so unfair that you are carrying the burden of all of your ex's appalling behaviour. I hope that you know that none of this is your fault.

I struggle this with myself - it is the difference between knowing something in my head (it's all about him) and feeling something in my heart (I am not good enough, it must be my fault he left me). The rational voices don't always win!

There are some great women on here - so please use us to get you through the bad stuff.

Gettingeasier - the potted story is that H left me after I discovered an extended affair. We were together for just over a decade, married for a couple of years, and have one preschool dc.

Welcome firepile, I totally agree about the rational voices not always winning.

Fire when you say extended affair how long? Has he left? You sound like you doing pretty well.

Thanks Romney! He left in the middle of the night after I confronted him with texts. He says he isn't coming back. The affair had been going on (on and off) for over 2 years before I found out about it. I felt very threatened by her from the outset, but had been fobbed off with lies.

Very kind of you to say that I am doing well. Not unless obsessively trawling the internet and crying a lot counts, unfortunately! I am much more controlled online than I am in RL, alas.

Fire - I know the feeling all too well about trawling the internet.

My DH left me in limbo for 2months while he decided if he wanted to return home or leave for the OW who is 27 years his junior and worked with her. I found out in June when DH said he was on a course, but was actually on holiday with OW! He has made such a mess of his life, he was asked to retire from work early due to his affair. I still struggle to understand why and he cannot answer any questions as he himself doesnt know why he is carrying on with the path he has chosen.

Has your H gone to the OW? Do you still have much contact.

Stay on this thread for lots of help from some amazing ladies that are further on than us and I aspire to get where they are.

Hi Starting and everyone else.

good post Starting.

I just want to say to all the newbies on here,

IT GETS BETTER !!!!!!!!! IT really does.

I've been thinking today about men in our lives and men in general and wondering why it is that we want them and love them so much. It's as though they're this wonderful prize that we need to hang on to at all costs and we're grateful that they are with us.

They're not so special, in many cases they're wankers, in some cases they're vile bastards and in most cases I think they're a bit inadequate and pathetic. We think we need them much much more than we actually do.

It's my first anniversarry of being on this thread. I found it a year ago when I was suicidal. H had left about 18 months before hand after 27 happy years together.

I dreaded the first xmas SO MUCH but the reality was much better than I expected.

I didn't send any cards and a couple of the disingenuous cards that I recieved, I returned to sender.

Christmas is for the children not for us. As long as you've got some nice food, a few pressies, tv, radiators turned up and a smiley face(even though you feel like shit) it'll be fine. It's just one day and I realized that it didn't warrent all the dreading I had done. It was actually really nice. It was just me and dc and a good friend. No H and no family as I don't want them in my life (they still see xh).

I took the dog for a long walk which I thought would be lonely but when I saw families out with strained looks on the faces of parents and fathers who looked disinterested and would rather be in the pub than with thier families it felt ok being on my own.

The first xmas on our own feels very sad and daunting but it's our job to pull our fingers out and make it nice for the kids.

I was SO proud of myself for giving them a nice xmas when my heart had been smashed into a million pieces by my partner of 27 years who left because he said "I want to put myself first".

I gave myself a massive pat on the back and sat with my chocolate orange and a bottle of baileys and thought to myself 'I'm bloody wonderful and f*cking amazing to have got it all together for my DC on xmas day.

We all had a laugh and my roast potatoes were to die for and the hatred and sadness and thoughts of revenge, self pity and devastation, I kept under my hat for a few hours.

Not that it matters crying in front of the DC anyway.

You can do it LC, you all can. Look at Getting with her lovely wonky tree.

All of our husbands left because they were failures. They failed their wives and their children and themselves. They're week and wanky and we don't need them.

When mine left nearly 3 years ago, I thought I would die. It was sink or swim and I decided to swim. He had let my DC down spectacularly so I had to be there for them.

I've propped myself up with whatever it takes to manage on my own. Antideppressants, councelling, self esteem courses, hypnotherapy, and lots more.

It's been total shit but it's got so much better and my relationship with the DC is just lovely.

Hats off to all of you with small dc, you're doing the hardest job in the whole world.

Christmas will be fine, you'll all get through it in one piece.

Hugs LC. PLease phone the Samaritans if you need someone to talk to - or contact someone on here.

Starting - sorry your H is being awful again

I cant keep up on here sorry. I massively favour 2 threads. My other forum does that and it works well. There are certain posters who keep up with the newbies thread and help out and some others just post on the oldies thread.
People 3 years in speak about different stuff that newbies just arent in a place to

Hello to all new. Hello to all old.

Pink - fab post.

We also need a classic posts for Dumplings thread - that should be on it!

And some of Beauty's earlier ones

And some about the CL gate fella!

Romney - H "didn't leave me for the OW" He left because "If he didn't take the opportunity, he never would". It is all because I am awful, apparently.

They don't live together, but are still in contact. Not clear whether or not they are "seeing" each other. We have contact because he sees dc about twice a week.

Pink, I am a newbie and your words really touched me, thank you for posting that.
LC - I am only three months in and it still gets unbearable some days/weeks. I have no-one in RL who can truly understand what I am going through so in the main I have given up trying to express my pain and grief to friends and family. Sometimes talking helped but sometimes it just made it too real to bear. Please PM me if you need someone to empathise. Some days I am really strong and then the next I am in a puddle on the floor. Everyone says it just takes time and I know it does, but that doesn't help you in the right here right now. Take your own time. There is no explanations and no one quick fix. Do what you need to do and if that is howl until your heart aches then do so. These men are not worth it but it has to make us stronger in the end. x

My p didn't leave me for the OW either, he left because (his words) he had to be selfish, he hadn't loved me for years - and OF COURSE it is nothing to do with the woman he works with and has known for 6 months!

She is shiny and new and has no responsibilities - I can't compete with that...so I'm not going to try.

BTW - he actually said he's been helping her get over HER break up - because her xp is awful apparently and treated her really badly!

I find it hardest to cope when he's nice to me! But I have to remember how cold, cruel and manipulative he was - and also how he is now re writing history to make it out that he was very unhappy before he met the new love of his life.

I find it really useful to Cut n Paste a lot of the advice on here..and read it back when I get that pain in my chest. I am very sorry that I didn't make a note of who wrote this...think it may have been WWIFN - but these wise words help me out.

"If we had stayed with our x's or tried to struggle on I believe we'd have never really known true happiness. Life would have been a struggle & these men would never have come close to meeting our emotional needs as they were fundamentally emotionally immature & selfish. I think if we can come out the other side of this learning to love ourselves & be independant then we will be in a better place to live our lives well & hopefully attract more suitable partners if we so decide"

Keep strong ladies x

Mumfun I agree we need a classic posts I would then copy some of them down and carry them with me.

Pink that was a great post! I hate to think that I have another 18 months till I find peace and that I will no longer feel so suicidal at times, which I will admit the times that I do have lessened, last time I felt like that was two weeks ago when DH told me he had met her parents! I had that sinking feeling. I am supposed to be sitting writing christmas cards now but really cant be bothered. You are so right that it is only one day. Thanks for a great post again.

Pinksmarties - did you have family/close friends to support you?

Sorry to sound selfish 'all about me' but what to do if you don't have family/close friends.

I'm 24 hours into official dump-ton so new/raw feeling.

WherecanIhide... I found that even people I don't know have been really supportive and helpful.

Being emotionally incontinent has really helped me, because so many people have been looking out for me and telling me how they have survived their own family/ relationship issues. There are so many dumplings out there - and you'd not know unless they chose to tell you!

People have told me that the least helpful thing that they did was to keep it to themselves, because it meant they felt very isolated. Looking back, they wish they'd spoken up about it sooner.

I know not everyone is comfortable with disclosing intimate details, but I have been amazed about how lovely people have been. Really.

Sorry, should say "popell I don't know well". I haven't been accosting people in supermarkets, or anything.

WherecanIHide -maybe create your own thread here on Relationships on Mumsnet. Post your story and you will get support -day by day. It has really helped a lot of women. LOts of good advice too.

Or even "people..."

Hi everyone :)
Where - I'm glad you've found this thread. Just posted on another thread you are on and given you some advice (such as it is). It's really a summary of lots of the dumpling advice I've been given since I've been on here - and it's really helped.
Fire I love your phrase "emotionally incontinent" - I've been known to be like that too! I find it completely distances some people (i.e. my mum) but you've got to let it out you know!
Hi Romney - loved your post yesterday about me being a canny lass. I'm trying really hard and I too have also wanted to die on many occasions. Think this latest heartbreak has actually done me more good than anything else. I'm finally starting to salvage some self esteem after 6 years of an EA marriage and 2 crap relationships since. Still feel a bit of a failure and feel like men just get bored with me and my life with the little ones but...I can't change it, so I'm slowly starting to live in it instead. I hope you are ok today. You sound like a bloody strong woman to me. Another honorary Geordie in my book.
Mum and Pink - your posts are always so strong and full of wise phrases - I so agree with you Pink about why do we think of these men as "prizes"? I've finally realised that my exbf is no prize.
Welcome to Fire and Stillhurtin
Kate you are an asset to this group of women.
Hi to Tea, Patience (no doubt enjoying her blizzarding telly) and Starting.
Happy I have been thinking of you with love today x
And hello to anyone on this rather large group of amazing women that I've missed out. I think Patience said it best when she said that anytime I'm having a wobble I take huge strength from knowing that you are all here...I really mean that :)

And LC I have had many days when I thought I just couldn't do it - any of it - anymore. Huge panic, feelings of wanting to run away, drive the car into a lorry on the motorway etc. How I got through it was partly thinking "Is that worthless piece of shit going to make me end it all/give up?" and the answer was always "no" even when I was still in love with him. And the other way I did it was forcing myself to do one thing. I remember once forcing myself to clean out the fridge. It sounds bloody stupid I know but once I did it I felt as if I'd controlled something in the day and it gave me the impetus to do something else.
Please come on here whenever you need to love.

RL people have been so kind to me. I have a fairly new friend who has been truly wonderful but there is always a limit, isn't there? It is easier to vent on here sometimes.

For instance: xp texted ds an hour ago saying I'm really sorry I upset you today blah blah blah and please look after your mum for me. I just want to shout NO! You should actually be sorry for fucking around for 2.5 years and introducing your married lover to me and my 3 children then there wouldn't have been a row about it today, would there? And ds is 9 years old and totally distraught so how can you tell him to look after me. A 9 year old cannot look after an emotionally broken adult, you fucking fool.

This sorry excuse for a man is draining me of every bit of energy I have ever had. How on earth do I get away?

Evening all!

Have had a really lovely day today - feeling very Christmasy and went out with another dumpling friend with all the DCs for Pizza and had a lovely time making brownies with them this afternoon and going through the tax credits form (ok so that but was not so christmasy but still far better to do it with a friend!).

Sorry I am wtill trying to get to know everyone on here and would love to-when I have time look back at everyone's stories... but what I will say is

Pinksmarties what a great post. This is my second Christmas going it alone. I barely remember last year's due to complete shellshock of H having just left and having just found out I was pregnant (I am truly thankful now not only for my lovely DS but also the fact that being pregnant meant I was unable to go out and drink and smoke myself to death this time last year) but I will second the fact that this time round is a million times better. I could never have imagined a time when I would smile, laugh and (gasps) even look forward to Christmas ever again but now I realise that he is the real loser in all of this. As you say - Christmas is all about the DC and all the little special moments in the run up to it aswell and you can't get those back.

I remember this time last year driving up to my Mum's with DD in the back of the car in floods of tears and I realise how much I have come on in the last 12 months. That said, it's not much comfort right now to those to whom this has recently happened-other than to say hang on in there...and it WILL WILL WILL get better its a very rocky road but a huge opportunity to grow - and I am starting to feel it now.(yes it may only start with getting decorations from the loft as another poster said earlier on) but from small acorns and all that......

Where - I totally second what Getting says. Since H left I have met so many new people and it really is about 'reaching out' (if you excuse the cheesy expression) , stepping out of that comfortable pair of shoes and doing stuff you wouldn't normally. Maybe when you are passed the initial shock you will be able to consider such things. I found that whilst I was lucky enough to have good RL friends they were all (thankfully for them) very happily married and I really felt the need to meet people who weren't of the smug married variety that I had been a few months previously! So I joined a singing group (pop choir type thing) - not only did it lift my spirits tremendously I met a lovely girl there who is now a good friend, I called a friend who I knew had a single mum friend and got her number - we are now good friends and see each other on weekends when all the families are together, I got chatting to a girl at a party who I assumed must be happily married with two great DCs turned out her husband had left her 3 years previously and she had been a real support to me. I too have really started seeing people as potential friends and plucked up the courage to make the first move - and it's such a lovely surprise to realise as Getting says that the overwhelming majority of people are really glad when you do. Anyway I am rambling - I guess I am saying that whilst I still have lots of wobbles, rubbish days etc my life and the people in it look very different to how it was 18 months ago and you may not think it now but this could be the making of you.....oh and as everyone else has said - therapy especially in the early days was a must.

Kate - Are we married to the same person ? All the same lines re OW at work plus cat interest is making me wonder.

Hello to everyone else too and as googoo just said in her post - this thread is a wonder . I know I am new to it but it's just lovely to know we are all going through similar and can all feel each others' joy and pain. thankyou so much