Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Waves to all........

Goo, loved reading about your theatre trip & really great to see you are getting your spirit back again

Pink, I think you have become the wisest of dumpling & I'm loving your advice . I agree 100% that we have to grow to love ourselves & build a relationship with ourselves. No relationship can fix us, we have to be happy within ourselves & be happy to be on our own first

Kate, if men walk out on a relationship & dc's for ow then I think it shows a v selfish self centered streak that only gets worse once they leave. ((Hugs))

Patience, I watched Enchanted with dc's last night & was thinking of you

Happy, glad you're feeling like 18 again

Bring, it's v early days for you & I think we've all done similiar to what you've done. It's so hard to let go but the sooner you do the less painful it's going to be. ((Hugs))

Where, I don't read the other threads normally but I'll try & find your other thread. I know I'd read it before when someone linked it & I remember it gave me the creeps because there were similarities with my own xh. My xh also suffered from depression & other mental health issues & I kept making excuses for his behaviour because of this. I also though some of his behaviour was out of character but in hindsight it was perfectly in character but I was too blinded by who I thought he was.

Getting, glad you're feeling so positive & that xmas went so well for you . Glad to report all dc's & mum now recuperated

Sov, so glad you've refound your strenght & put your focus back on you & dc's. Also glad you are now able to see through xh's behaviour

Tea, hope you're doing ok & recovered from your ordeal of y'day.

Waves to Maybee, Rom, City & anyone else I'm forgetting at this ungodly hour!

Well update on Norm . Went out tonight & can report we're back on track . Was def a case of cluelessness rather then selfishness. Also took advantage of my current emancipated state lol & wore a figure hugging short dress which made me feel like a true kick ass dumpling .

Also just spent the past two hrs on phone to a distressed friend with marital probs & I can tell you after listening to all that I'm so glad to be single & away from xh

Morning Dumplings!

Hope everyone is ok

Happy I wish I looked like I was at 18 ! Glad mm is still keeping you happy

Well I am feeling a bit low atm and not sure why. My mum said to me once to be careful not to attribute all bad days to whats happened and that bad days come to us all so I am trying to shrug it off.

My brother visited last night and I was bringing him up to speed with everything. I know he thinks I am too harsh in some of my views of xh and sometimes its hard talking to him because tbh he is a selfish father to his dd and doesnt do nearly as much as he should for her or his exgf.

He was quite breezy about xh not telling me he was moving in with ow and seemed to think xh saying he hadnt given it a moments thought was fine. His view is hes moved on deal with it , not as blunt as that but thats what it amounts to.

The dc are going to xh later and told me xh and ow had been down to his parents and had their xmas presents back for them. That felt odd picturing ow with his parents,what they would all have talked about etc.

I am still frustrated by the constant stream of unwanted detail about xhs life and doings that comes via the dc and just dont know what to do. I know I would only have to say the word to ds and he would never mention them but I feel its so important to their continuing acceptance of the situation that they know I am happy and hence not upset by hearing about stuff.

What has also made me feel I need to keep quiet is dd got a pair of slippers from xh and ow and kept urging me to borrow them (slipper theft is an in joke here)and she wouldnt let it drop . I am certain she was testing me to see that I would wear these slippers as a sign of being ok with things as well iyswim ? She finally said dont you like them (slippers) Mum and so of course I had to put them on even though I was thinking I dont want to wear something ow no doubt chose.

Sorry I know this is a lot of detail but I am concerned its going to get more and more and also I really dont want to know about stuff that goes on at ows place now he is living there.

What annoys me is he wont have the tiniest clue about all this and even if he did he would thinks I was "mad" his favourite word for me. I suppose what would be nice would be if the dc went around there and said " Oh yeah dad it was sooo funny we caught mum kissing george clooney in the kitchen"

Well I know I am not the only one sometimes wishing there werent dc involved so that you never had to see them or hear their names again. But to have my lovely dc is certainly worth the price.

I think as well I have been enjoying the Christmas bubble these past ten days or so and having my brother here asking whats happening re house sale and divorce brought me back to earth with a bump and I know its all waiting for me next week

Anyway I feel better already for tapping all that out. Dont think the weather is helping its so misty and dreary here in Herts.

How are my fellow dumplings ? Its very quiet today...

hey getting I'm here. Your mums right about not attributing all bad days to what's happened. that must be where you get your wisdom from.

I'm always taking off my rose coloured specs and realising...just how happy was I with him? Maybe happier than I am at this precise moment..but it wasn't all wine and roses.

Men - are quite good at saying 'move on' My brother thinks ex is a fool for what he's done...but he has said the same, also male friend I was pouring out to said the same...it's in their X Y chromosomes!

Little things do hurt - my little one keeps asking me when she's going to meet daddy's new girlfriend and she is excited about it, so that is painful - espcially when he refused to come and see her before 4pm on her birthday yesterday because he was spending the day with OW.

We know we have to be strong for our dc - and we are, and great examples to them!

I'm about to go now and so my washing at the house...despite this, ex has been on the phone to me for 30 mins...discussing the house sale, finance for the girls etc. He does seem to be ringing quite a bit...funny how they do that when they sense you are detached from them and their OW drama.

Chin up - I'll be back later to catch up...not looking forward to going backto family home...but can't be helped as he got bloody custody of the washing machine!

At soft play area attempting to read lol
Having the same kind of day getting ,just don't know my X anymore and recent phone call asking what we r doin at Ny because he still had Xmas presents to give dcs,he is completely making a new life .AF used a phrase in another thread about them creating a force field to support their denial and unfortunately I know no one in this ff so no longer know anything about his life ,how the hell do I just hand over a 4 and 5 yo when he does decide to see them.getting I understand UR frustration re keeping corridors of communication open but get advice on this because I'm sure as fuck not wearing anything bought by a whore that's my choice and no fucker is changing my mind on that ,do u have a counsellor getting cos that's the kind of stuff I will have to work thru when it happens .planning a day out 2morrow just thought X would have taken kids out in the hols but that will b a month at the weekend since he has seen them and I think today its just making me sad.no chance of getting a night out never mind see someone ,wtf .

lol at custody of the washing machine !! What an arse about your dds birthday and wtf at having to listen to her being excited about meeting his girlfriend what a bastard he is. I know you are right about us being strong for the dc I think I just wanted to have a moan really

Funnily enough yesterday ds was telling me about how ows ds (who gets on very well with mine)doesnt like his Dad and how he hardly ever sees him etc etc. I told ds my dad had been like that and he was surprised but I explained that I had decided as an adult to put it behind me forgive etc BUT I said that I never forgot what he had done I just chose not to think about it. I know that isnt really ethical dumpling behaviour

Patience its hard to know what to do about your xh and the dc. I take it there is no point trying to meet up with him and try to get him to understand how this may be impacting on them ? Or even get him to understand he still has responsibility to them and you ? In other words appeal to his better nature. Only you know how you feel , is it a case of sporadic contact is better than none and you will take a break where you can or that you say to him regular contact or none at all you're out of our lives for good. I can completely see why you are sad though Kate is right about those XY chromosomes because we just couldnt do that could we

Lol at sitting down to discuss the situation ,NEVER in 12 mths has he discussed the situation,u get about 2 mins if UR lucky then just swearing.if he gave a toss about his kids he would have accomodation and regular access,he always has an excuse,he lies and lies ,he told me gps didn't want to see kids at Xmas Ffs ,lot of shite.I just struggle to hand my kids over to a stranger.

Well dont then.

I know this sounds awful but would it be easier to just cut him out so that you dont continue to have vague expectations of him and wonder about if and when he will see his dc. Do they ever ask about him ?

I just having a day when the injustice is hurting me.Bad enough their dad walks out on them but when he opts out of everything,well it makes me v queasy ,never asks about kids schooling or social lives ,only saw son in school uniform once(by chance) never seen him play football etc cut him open he would be full of dust!

LOL he thinks he isn't doin anything wrong ,he's trying his best etc,kids love him

Kate - what an arse your exp is. Fecking kidnap the washing machine!!!! Isn't it crap how we miss them even though we know they are shites? Eventually we don't miss them though - that's the beauty of it.
Getting - you are so wise and strong and you're allowed to feel crap about ow. It does get easier on that front I promise. I asked DCs what their dad got his gf for Christmas. The reply? "A new car" Eh?!!!! My thoughts on this? She deserves a car, putting up with him. She's bloody welcome to her consolation prize!
Patience - lol your ex sounds like mine. I can never have a "discussion" with him either. It's nought to apoplectic in 5 seconds, then lots of swearing, door slamming etc whilst I stand there calmly sighing (it's been 3 years so it all goes over my head now). I agree with you - why would you give him your kids when he's made no effort to sort his life out and remains unstable? I really feel for you though, having no time off. It's crap. My little one doesn't sleep much either. Just as I go to bed, he gets up for a wee, wants a drink and climbs in with me. Feel like I'm with him for 24 hours a day and lovely as he is it's bloody hard work and unrelenting. If you can't manage a night out we'll come to you girl! Bring you a take away, bottle of wine/beer/turps and have a good old chinwag and some laughs. Your kids can watch the muppets and eat crisps - doesn't bother me. I wish people would visit me in the house - they never bloody do. And we can have a day out and a "I married a fuckwit" cuppa in the softplay for all I care - woo hoo, bring it on!

Patience - when your kids get older they'll see him for the useless sod he is. One of my good friends is in her 50s now and her sons are 19 and 22. Their dad came Christmas before last and started abusing my mate. Her 19 stood up, told his dad to eff off and said if he hit her he'd floor him. Then he told his dad that he'd never been there fof any of them when they were growing up and noone touched the woman who'd brought him up and loved him on her own all these years.

Actually I would miss the washing machine far more than I have ever missed xh What were you thinking of leaving it behind Kate !

googoo lol @turps thanks I know it will be easier a few months ago I wouldnt have coped hearing stuff at all . Think my dc have ESP !

I think I have to accept somebody with very different views on how to bring up dcs has potentially a huge influence on how the dcs develop and I am struggling with that today,but that's DIVORCE.

thanks ggm x

Patience what ? You lost me there girl

Which bit. The great father bit (in his opinion) or his potential influence on their lives

Having a MN day Patience and have just read a post from someone who said after 9 years of being let down and unreliable with her dc she has now cut her xh out of their lives. She said she wished she had done it from the beginning as she feels its been damaging for her dc to experience his constant rejection, on/off behaviour. Just thought I would mention it

Patience - I have the same problem with my exh - his views on bringing up kids v different to mine. Potentially is the right words though. Your ex is not influencing them because he isn't seeing them. Sometimes I wish my exh didn't see my DCs because he fills their heads with alpha male rubbish but he does see them and although that gives me a rest sometimes I feel guilty for exposing them to him IYSWIM.

Hmm I get it now Patience.

I know what you mean googoo mines a bit alpha male although thankfully not a racist. Sometimes ds will say something which is straight from the xh view of the world book. Sometimes I pull him on it but mostly I leave it figuring they are smart enough to filter it out. Actually anyway I like it because it reminds me I used to cringe inside at some of his crap and now I dont have to listen any more

the last thing I want is to stop visits,but I am dealing with the biggest VICTIM with no sense of boundaries and I'm uneasy about the whole situation especially after Xmas no show.I guess I just have to let it run its course. he will either start regular. Sundays again or it will simply fizzle out and we will just become a monthly payment.

Today has made me see that I have moved on from my X. But co parenting is a combination of letting go and standing firm. I guess I just have to trust my instincts .

You do Patience and you have extremely good instincts I think. And I'm so glad you have moved on from him, you have been such a help and a friend to me on here and you deserve peace and serenity and happiness. As Mary J Blige says "No more drama in my life!"

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.