Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

And good point Antalya. Well said. Think you are going to be a great asset on here! I've realised that since my emotionally abusive marriage I have had (very well hidden) rock bottom self worth when it comes to men and this has meant that I have had two disastrous relationships with emotionally unavailable men who gave me "crumbs" which another well balanced woman would have been totally unhappy with. It's so easy to spiral into thinking everything is your fault and that you are stupid when someone is constantly telling you or implying that you are stupid. Even us intelligent women on here fall into that trap.

If you take someone who already has reasonably low self-esteem - like me (but I did have a little more back then) and you have someone who is able to have more of an impact on you, maybe because of lack of other input towards you on a social level (pretty isolated), because they are negative towards you, your self-esteem goes down further.

Just keep trying to work it all out. But I am stuck at blaming myself still as this is just happening.

Don't blame yourself. Please don't. You can move on and learn about yourself from all of this (in time) but blaming yourself is just another way of punishing yourself, and he's done enough of that already. As another dumpling says on here- pampering is the way forward! Mentally and physically. When I first posted on here (only about 3 weeks ago) I was at the lowest point I'd been for years. And in just 3 weeks with this as a help I am recovering and learning to value myself and my life for the first time since my exh left me 3 years ago. Take it easy, go steady remember that this too shall pass. And you are now on a long and sometimes difficult UPWARDS journey (even if you have some down turns on the way). x

Finally ,this is all abuse ,he feeds his ego by treating you badly and still keeps you hanging on ,he tested your boundaries and knew he could treat you like this ,mine did to ,it started off emotionally then physical abuse all on a sliding scale ,until eventually last year it all ecalated quite dramatically ,i should have phoned the police ,Boxing day last year i was sat hugging my dcs while he trashed my house car etc .Somebody along your lifes path has made you feel unworthy of love and self love ,your inner voice told you it was acceptable for him to treat you like this because you werent worth respect and love well ....WRONG!!!You are a beautiful individual that has been given an opportunity now to shine.Great you have found this thread and great you are doing counselling,have you read co dependent no more by Melody Beattie ,just accept he was manipulating you and you were unhappy ,unloved and with the wrong bloody man.Once you can let him go you can start to find out about the dysfunctional patterns that made you feel unworthy in the first place,you will rage you will cry and you will be bitter you have wasdted so much time in this CAVE.Reference to PLATOs CAVE google it GOOGOO can you post MUMFORD AND SONS THE CAVE with lyrics please for Finally ,you are coming out of the fog now,its like winning the fucking lottery ,this chance now is to build your self esteem ,trust your own judgement ,find your true lifes purpose without this bullying fecker having any part of you ,you dont need a man to validate you EVER they only get to stay now once they make the grade ,your confidence is going to soar in 2011 and you dont need to answer to any fuckwits any more ,you make the rules ,you are in charge and you are quite capable ,you just didnt believe it before x

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change ,
{ie stop doing your head in going over and over things ,eat some chocolate instead and watch a dvd]
The courage to change the things i can[because your worth it !]
And the wisdom to know the difference.
[Good self esteem means good decision making ,calling a situation then moving forwards without having to phone a friend and analysing]

Give yourself a few months and you will start to see a road ahead ,six months of a bumpy road but just fasten your seatbelt,
towards the end of your first year you know life is better without this piece of shit in your life.Hang in there but this is all about you now Finally ,he will get the biggest kick in the balls when you are the flourishing empowered woman you were meant to be .Dont blame or dwell in the past people around you often are just repeating the ingrained patterns of their elders over and over and we are just picking up the fall out and trying to fix it /make them happy cos thats what we were taught LOVE/MARRIAGE was .Forwards march ,positive thinking ,dont awste your time mulling over the whys just DETATCH and enjoy ur freedom .
ps it is never ANYTHING to do with them ,we caused it all dontcha know ,then [to them]their behaviour is always justified.

Thank god you're here Patience
Here is mumford and sons the cave

Firstly I must come clean and admit that my self esteem is pretty rubbish...after a long term EA relationship that I hung on with the hope that I could fix things...and then just I was starting to feel better 6 months after that happened...I damn well did it agiain, jumped into a short term relationship, with someone who was pretty damaged anyway...and the upshot of that was that after a couple of pretty intense months off he went without a word..or explanation!!...and so it's back to square one of blaming myself that I had done something wrong...and of course my esteem takes a nose dive..once again..just as yours has FHA.. however after a couple of pretty rubbish weeks, where I was very low,...and coming on MN to read the threads, although I know logically that it really wasn't me...it was HIM...there's still that horrible self doubt that has come creeping back. So I need this thread and all the support that I can get on MN, it's got me through some very dark days in the last year.

FHA...for a while yet you will try to work it all out, until you come to the point, where you realise there really isn't any logic behind it...he was/is a selfish, unfeeling ass. ANYONE who has had their esteem jumped on for years is going to feel the way that you do now. Please stop blaming yourself and being so harsh on yourself, it's a horrible process that you're going through now, but part of the getting beter. Have you been to see your doc?

Thats how warped these mysogynistic blokes are if they are the siaze of a £2 coin we are a 5p piece ,in their eyes we are entitled because their view is so warped ,Lundy Bancroft s book explains this so well ,he counselled abusers and every single one eventually showed his true colours ,they always paint themselves as the victims and then they do not need to take any responsibility .They keep you hooked in and we are suceptible to this because of our previous conditioning and low self esteem,they are attracted to strong women because they are very weak examples of the male species ,then they berate us make us feel we are not good enough and then manipulste us and threaten to continually leave ,and then eventually they do and their next relationship will be screaming dysfunction ,much younger girl ,vulnerable possible addictions etc ,feels unloved ,then he will control her too to feed his ego ,he feels entitled to a life with no stress and will destroy you in the process ,all examples of extreme emotional immaturity and yes i dont think sociopath is too strong a word re their narcissistic tendencies ,they can inflict horrific hurt mentally and physically to all members of their family but can keep on doing it as a sort of punishment for us leaving them.
Just WARPED !

Dumpling award for you Haribo
Ant - what does FHA and EA mean? Sorry, I'm crap with acronyms! :)

Waves to GGM
haribo glad ur back

Ran out of credit on the PAYG dongle thing bet it costs a fortune need to work out a proper thing soon,
got a real tree ,all done in a stand and everything £20 ,drew a line at xmas in a bag for a tenner at homebase but i love my tree,my mum would never have one because of the needles ,ds says i dont like the pricks !
Yeah me neither son ,but im working on it
anyway was prob cut in sept and the needles will be gone by xmas but it looks and smells great today ,feeling uneasy about tomorrow and smoked a fag last night but ho hum its not the end of the world ,take care big hugs x

Sorry lazy typing!! FHA short for Finallyhappeningagain's name and EA emotionally abusive relationship

We could just meet in Glasgow or Edinburgh let me know ,are we going for a drink or what ?
ps you lot "dahn sarf" are welcome too

Read the book GGM ,ur confusing mockingbirds with cuckoos but easy mistake to make

Urbanpatience that was a perfect description of my relationship with my ex..never been a bitter person , but god do I hope that he always remains a miserable git after what he put me through...although I do feel sorry for whoever he has moved onto

This sorting urself out malarkey isnt that tough BTW you just need to bite the bullet and change the basics.All peaks and troughs ,but thats life anyway ,may as well be working towards better mental health and self esteem and first off get rid of all the baggage that held you back before ,just raise the bar ,stop accepting the unacceptable ,change ur own pattern of thinking ,people will notice and treat you differently.

Sorry Patience how crap is that mixing up One Flew Over and To Kill a Mockingbird! And I'm a bloody English teacher (not that you'd know from typos etc on here)! Never read it -might give it a go :)
Yes, drinks all round I reckon ladies! Getting dressed up, looking and feeling fabulous, pampering ourselves, flirting etc and being full of feminine mystique - haha! That'll be a new experience for me all round!
Still feeling upbeat here, depsite everything. This is a new chapter for me. I'm working on noone but myself and my kids and it FEELS GOOD!!!!

My name, FHA, is because he has threatened to continually dump me. If we had an argument, he would threaten to watch it or I will lose the roof over my head.... And, as I say, bad news, I have been a SAHM, and lost my confidence to get back to work, and then he would go on at me because I was a scrounger off him (and I totally agree that I should have been contributing financially).

Antalya i might never meet another bloke in my life or i might fall in love again on the first date ,but all i am trying to do is be able to spot dysfunction and walk away ,before it always happened that the abuser blamed me and i thought i was the one with the problem so i kept trying to fix it .Turns out it wasnt me after all ,i just had such a low opinion of myself i accepted EA and DV for fucks sake ,i could always find and excuse to forgive him because i didnt want him to leave FFS why would i want to be with someone that threatened to leave me and my kids ,TOSSER !
This time in my life has been a gift no doubt about it ,no man will ever raise his hand to me again or treat me like shit ,they may lie and be utter pricks but ultimately i will read the warning signs and then its up to me if i want to stay or not ,anyway ,away to the park now x

Happy why dont you get MM to come to our xmas party and post some tunes ,working on a faster connection saw a deal today.

Strating its all part of it ,just a fucking competition now and he doesnt want to have to pay ,completely detatched ,PRICK !
Just to add my X thinks he has been completely amicable throughout all of this .

Is this your thread here FHA? As that is dreadful reading Perhaps you should ressurect it as I'm pretty sure all those woman could help you be more objective about this as well as us.

I have a DD climbing all over me and it's chaos here. I'll be back once they're in bed.

FHA all emotional abuse ,he s a prick ,def lottery win you got out ,trust me on this you might have to give up stuff etc but you have freedom from his opression ,grab it with both hands

ROFL re GGM and literature,
OMG i think we might be doin a xmas nite out what do you reckon can you make it b4 xmas ladies ,Jan is fine ,not that i am desperate for a nite out or anything

OMG...just posted a message (being my normal chatty, I thought helpful self!) on lone parents regarding match.com and dating, dad on there who seems really to have misinterpretted my post...I really need to think more carefully about how I come accross to men!!!

hahah! Ant - there are some threads on here that scare me - they seem to get really aggressive but never heard of man coming on to a poster - is that what you meant? If it is...you've still got it girl.
FHA - your ex is a total twunt. You WERE doing a job - it's called being a SAHM, holding the fort, bringing up the kids, doing the housework etc - the list is endless! You didn't need to contribuate financially - you were and are contributing in EVERY OTHER WAY there is. Was just saying last night on here that SAHM is THE most difficult job in the world. Much love and power to you :)
Patience - only got next weekend free before Christmas but would be up for scottish night out...woo hoo! If not, definitely January. I'm on a bloody roll love x

Hi Patience, Tea, Happy, Getting, Starting, LC, Pink, Sov, Citydoll and googoo, and all old and new faces, well done googoo for starting a new thread, like the new thread name!!

Whats happened to WQ, havent seen any posts from her for a while, hope everything is ok.

LC - lovely to see you posting again and hope you are ok.

Sov - hope you are getting stronger after you set back.

I have been avidly reading, just not in a very good frame of mind to post. I am getting strength from reading though. I have come to realise that DH wont be coming back now and that it probably wouldnt work if he had, but I havent quite accepted this yet, but Im sure I will get there. I got a message from DH on Mon, saying he never wants to lose his best friend ever, sorry for being so horrible to you. I do love you!!! Still in bonkersland then!

Googoo you sound so strong, must be because your a canny northern lass (hope that doesnt offend) I admire your strength as you are quite new on here but doing so well.

Tea, Patience and Getting you are still the wise ones here and thank goodness you are still here helping the weaker dumplings like myself. Thank you all for your continued help.

Have a good evening, I will be lurking, but not that much help at the moment, hopefully in a years time I will be able to help the newcomers. I look forward to that day.

Hi Romney and everyone. Not so good right now. Trying to keep up but it's so difficult.

Little Critter if you just write how you are at the moment that's ok too You don't have to respond to every post on here. Although there's been a lot of short one liners today which sometimes makes the thread look worse than it is

Look after yourself lovey x

Tea - yes, you are right, it is.