Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

LC - go no contact except emails and texts specifically on the business of DS. It is the way of healing.

And look and see if there is any support for children of separating parents in youe area. In my area this organisation has helped a friend a lot: www.jigsaw4u.org.uk/files/about_us.html#our_national_aims

Little critter - please don't be distraught. Lots of women on here have obviously been through this and I have been lurking a good while and some of their posts have really helped. I have cried for full days at a time. I never knew I could create so much water. Please believe me when I say that I know how you feel. It is truly awful. But after a while the times when you are not upset will get longer and you will smile and laugh again. This time of year is dreadful for dumplings but put yourself first, do what you can do and don't beat yourself up. Your cry for help has really tugged at my heart. You are not alone. x

Hi everyone,
I just got back from Edinburgh from an overnight stay with my 8yr old. Yesterday went so well, we went on the ferris wheel, explored the market and finished off with the ghost tour. He managed to talk me into ice-skating at 10am this am and thats when things went wrong. One minute I was skating along with him behind me when I heard this awful thwack on the ice. I prayed it wasn't him but it was. (he's ok now) Anyway the first aiders took him into their office (they were really brill)and did the usual tests on him but he was concussed. Someone said "what's Santa bringing?" He said "an x box." "And what else?" "an x box" "Anything else?" "yes an xbox" It was so upsetting he didn't know where we were and couldn't remember tripping. So they got us an ambulance and he was sick en route to the hospital they put an 02 mask on him which is just procedure but I thought I was going to crack when I saw him lying there. I was so terrified imagining the worst. Anyway they kept him there for a few hours under observation and quite literally he just picked up again. His cheeks got their colour back and soon he was playing games on my mobile. It was such a relief. When we got back my x who was here minding the babes didn't really seem to grasp how upsetting it was and was talking about it with ds as if they were pals like "Hey man" kind of speak and it pissed me off. Anyway his jobs for the weekend were to put the seat covers (which I had washed) back on the carseats and to clean the baby walker as a charity is coming to collect it tomorrow. He had done neither job as he had the flu but was still going to band practice . I was miffed as he started doing the jobs there and then all over the hall and in everyone's way and as usual it took him ages when I just wanted him to go away and have the house peaceful again. Although I do need them in the car for tomorrow am so it had to be done. Anyway the babywalker is one of those cool little beetle cars that I picked up on ebay and it takes up space so I thought I'd get rid of it. When I left yesterday it was fine, tonight I noticed a mirror has snapped off it leaving a v sharp edge. This can only have been him breaking it as he insisted on putting it in the garage to clean yesterday so the kids haven't been near it. I was furious he said its just a bit of plastic and I said great stick it in a landfill now its not safe to go to a charity shop. Anyway he has gone but has to be back tomorrow am as ds will rest at home. But he pisses me off so much. He constantly breaks things just through sheer carelessness and if I react in a negative way it'll be my fault. Throughout the course of the weekend my son said that poor papa hates where he is staying and it isn't fair. He also said that if we move to Ireland without Papa he won't come. I know he will come round but I told my x tonight that if he needed sympathy he would have to tell a friend or a counsellor and that our son needs to be shielded and protected from all this. "Of course" he said but I'm so angry with him, he should know all this and I also suspect that he is not always staying with his pal either. I don't care tbh but would be incensed if he is doing that and manipulating our son to get him to take sides. Sorry this is a rant and I haven't read anyone's posts yetbecause I was on the old thread wondering where you all where.
Goodnight everyone will go back and read your posts.
xxx

Good post Still - LC your post has tugged at my heart too. One of the reasons why I love this thread - some very big hearted women on here.
LC - Patience often tells people on here to "detatch" which I know is easier said than done but it is like a muscle in your body - once you start flexing the detatch muscle it starts to work on its own whenever needed! She posted yesterday with a little poem thing that said "Accept what you cannot change" and explained that to her this meant accepting that your ex is a selfish bastard, his behaviour is not going to change, and he cannot affect your feelings anymore unless you let him. Now I know that this is easier said than done but now when I think of my ex I just immediately think "tw*t" in my head and move onto thinking about something else / doing something really mundane / hugging my kids etc. And after about a week it started to work. I realised that I wasn't thinking about him half as much and that he wasn't thinking of me AT ALL, so I wasn't going to bother either. And change your son's phone so that he can't affect him either with completely inappropriate adult emotion things. My exh did exactly the same thing with my two boys. Which again shows just how selfish they are. And as Patience and the others have said, know that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Hard to believe but I promise you it will. And you will be so much stronger for having survived this. You really will.

Oh Maybee - how awful about your son and thank god he is ok! I would have been past myself too.
And good on you for ranting. Selfish AND clumsy eh?
Your poor DS. I wonder if his dad has been giving it large about not seeing him if you move to Ireland? More emotional blackmail of children...I'm giving you a dumpling award for telling him that if he needs sympathy he should see a counsellor. Go girl! THAT was a very good way of putting it. Please accept your award...

And hi CV - you are showing many top dumpling traits! Go lady go! :)

Hello lovelies! And newbies

Long phone call with my ex FIL tonight about what to get his GC for Chrimbo and seeing DS on his birthday blah blah blah. H came over today and babysat so I could go and buy stocking fillers. Left it too late again I think it was heaving and shelves were bare but I did the best I could. Thank goodness H and I are now amicable enough to co parent.

It does get better, great posts from Starting and Pink etc. Can't believe I'll be divorced in weeks and I do not want him back anymore Not even slightly.

Painted my nails tonight tonight. Pampered dumpling here.

Sorry for the me me me post. Love to you all and I'll try to be less selfsih tomorrow in my postings But I must go to bed So tempting to try and catch up but I'm so tired. DD is doing a little thing tomorrow with pre school, all the parents can go along, I think H will be there too (hmmm what will I call him once divorced). She's been practising the carols lots, so I'm sure it'll be cute. It's being held in the church by the pre school. In my sleep befuddled state I can't remember the name for it

Oops typos again. Yep time for bed

Wow I missed a day and this thread is jumpin! Welcome to all the newbies.
Happy You seem to be managing so well you will be in my thoughts tomorrow.
GoogI loved the song mumford and sons and would love to do a meet up in Jan. Patience I'm glad you're in too. I'm near Glasgow but could do a night somewhere that suits us all with a bit of notice. Patience your musings on men and how they single out strong women and break them down hits home with me. In many areas of my life I am not one to be messed with which is why I wonder how I got into all this deceit and put up with x for so long. Not that long ago I counted my blessings that I had met such a quirky man who was my true soul mate! Anyway life goes on I think I'll read that codependency book. Just feel tonight that I'm a bit jinxed, was coping so well, didn't even mind that our Edinburgh night had been booked for the whole family when it all went wrong. Yes I know i'm lucky that it worked out ok and a fright like that really teaches you to cherish your dc but do wonder why I'm being pushed so hard just now. X infuriates me. he just holds me back so much. My mil arrives tomorrow for a week and although she'd good and supportive i'm too tired to even smile. I will go to bed. I'm also glad you're all here.
xxx

Oh and I have some advice to ask from you all on two very minor but interesting issues relating to men...I'll save it for tomorrow...night night lovelies all :)

Waves to all.........

Pink & Mumfun, great posts from you both

Maybee, oh my heart went out to you when I read your post. You are right though in your second post in that things like this make you realise how lucky you are to have healthy dc's etc. With regards to your x I guess if he was sensitive & responsible enough to understand how traumatic is it to witness your 8yr old in that condition then I guess you wouldn't be a dumpling! His behaviour tonight is just an extention of all that is currently wrong with him! That applys to the walker too. I found this with xh too he seemed to lose respect for everything, it was just a reflectio of where he was. Use your MIL to babysit as much as possible & take a break. Sending you big ((Hugs))

Night night Googoo.

Stillhurtin - have you got a thread of your story? I dont know if I have missed it.

Hope everyone has a good day tomorrow.

Just remembered I was a little naughty last night, as I had to go out for work late last night (actually it was early this am) and ended up going past the village where DH now lives with OW, anyway on the way back I made the guys do a slight detour so I could pinpoint the house (this is the place he has been lying to me about for the last 4 months), so there I was a sad silly cow walking up and down this unknown road at 0345 this morning! I know I shouldnt but I couldnt help myself!! Sorry

CV, glad you had a nice day today & great post.

Goo, you're bounding back more & more each day, it's great to see this in your posts

Still & Where, welcome to the thread.

Rom, you will indeed start to have more good days then bad v soon ((Hugs))

Kate, twas me & not wwifn "She is shiny and new and has no responsibilities - I can't compete with that...so I'm not going to try." so wise!!

Rom, no apology, I've been known to do much much worse in my darkest hours

Romney, I have no thread. I have lurked in through the back door because someone left it open! To be brief, I have been dumped for someone half my age after my XP started distancing and fantasising and having some kind of midlife crisis. We have no DC. I have had to move out of home I love, miss extended family. Had absolute no contact now for a month but still got some finances to sort through sols. Still on emotional rollercoaster, loads of issues. Just want to lurk about to tell newly dumped that I can empathise and when I am up I can let them know that there is hope and when I am down I can just keep lurking and getting help for myself. x

Thanks Starting, I really am starting to believe all you old hands who have walked (or dragged themselves) along this long pathway back to happiness. But I still have a long trudge on this mountainous pathway.

A while ago I really didnt think I would make it up the first slope but I think I will make it to the top, just wish I could get there quicker, Im very impatient!

Well starting thankyou so much for your words - I read them every day when I start to wobble :(

Was obsessing about the OW - on FB ect...but only when I didn't know for sure. Once he'd admitted it, it was like a weight had been lifted and I'm not bothered (too much!) about her...it's the deception and not knowing that I couldn't handle.

Still have really hard days - but just the heavy feeling in my heart - and not all out tears.

Keeping a journal of my feelings really helps - so any other new dumplings out there...write down how you feel, get the anger and pain out on the page. Then shut the journal and try to get through one day at a time.

When he's being nice to me - and showing me the man he WAS...I look back at what I wrote on the day he told me that he made love to me to see how he felt about getting back together...and he looked down at me ..and felt nothing.

Sounds tough, but detachment is the ONLY thing that works when you have given your heart to someone....and THEY have trashed it.

Stay strong ladies - first Xmas for me on my own with my 3 girls - but I am looking forward to it. Visa bill after Xmas (not so much!)

Stillhurtin - your story sounds very much like mine, I have been dumped for an OW 27years younger than my DH (young enough to be his daughter) in fact his son is only 3 yrs younger, think he is having some sort of mid life crisis too. I really cant see him coming to his senses in the near future and although I know I shouldnt even worry about whether their relationship works with her or not, I do, and I suppose I listen to everyone telling me that there is no way it can work and get some sort of comfort in this. Yes, yes I know I have to concentrate on myself now, my own well being.

Oh Romney, I understand. OW is 17 years younger than my XP. I feel like you and would like nothing more than for him to "come to his senses" and beg me to take him back. But part of that is just my want for some kind of apology for all the mental and physical pain I have endured through the last 3 months. I don't think I could look at him in the same way ever again, the seven years of our relationship has been completely ruined. Everyone in RL tells me too that it won't last and it probably won't but then again it might be just the life he really wanted, even though he had given no indication that it was what he wanted until she came into his life. I hope we can find some comfort in knowing we are not going through this on our own. x

Same here stillhurtin We had a really nice time together, brilliant sex life - best friends and all we needed was eachother. So it's very hard to hear that now, he didn't love me for years and had been so unhappy.

Funnily enough - at the begining of the year we both started a Photo a Day - so I can actually look back at what we were both doing each day and the photos we both took are all about us and what we did with our girls and how much we loved our life as a family..only when OW started to work with him did I start to get erased from his life ...and photos!

I too would like him to come to his senses - but I doubt I could ever look him in the eye after what he's done to me - I offered to go to counselling and do whatever it took to get back on track - but he wouldn't even consider it. Which drives me a little bit mad because I feel that there were 2 of us in our relationship...and it should have taken 2 of us to decide it's future...together or apart.

But that was taken from me.

just quickly before bed....

Romney: A quick detour on your way home ? do not worry! DD came home from weekend at H's flat 2 weeks ago and looked up at the new fairy lights I had put up round the lounge mirror and said 'Daddy has those lights at his flat' Yes the one he supposedly lives in by himself all sad and lonely - and he's no fairylight fan - anyway sad to say it but got neighbour to babysit later on whilst I drove to aforementioned flat after DCs bedtime and sat outside in car staring up at fairylighted window for ages. Saw nothing and have no idea if it was even his window as a large block and left when I started feeling like I was playing character of a stalker in a film rather than me who is actually a nice normal human being so yours was a v minor offence! - oh and yes - if ever I start wondering if my H's relationship with OW is going to last - I tell myself that it probably won't but if it does we'll be past caring by the time it can be classed as long term and you'll just feel sorry for her. Anyway it won't!

Kate: Yes I totally relate to you thinking of something really crap that they have said or done to remind yourself when the obsessing starts - my H kindly said after we had just had sex for the first time (since he left 8 months previously) during a world cup match whilst I was eight months pregnant and sitting on a birthing ball in the lounge " I desparately wanted to feel something - but I didn't" - yes thinking about that beautiful comment used to make me feel so inadequate, rejected and crap but now I just think.. 'what kind of does that to someone when they are heavily pregnant just to test the water /have a shag- then is so hurtful about it afterwards...? someone who is not only of very little moral fibre / quite messed up but also someone who is in no way worthy of my time, obsessing or love anymore... (ok so doesn't quite explain the fairylight/stalker incident of 2 weeks ago but we're allowed to wobble too aren't we ?)

anyway ladies - have had a night of doing small household jobs that I wouldn't have thought I could do before - with some success !good night and sweet dreams x

Good morning all. I'm still in bed with ds - he wanted to sleep with me again - so it looks like a day off school today. Lots of questions like 'why did Dad keep telling you to shut up?', 'can I see your bruises?' and 'what is the truth that Dad is hiding?'. It just broke my heart to lie on behalf of his father, so now I hate myself for having to be complicit in xp's lies but ds needed reassurance. I had to say that Dad was trying to give me a hug when I got bruised and the truth is just silly little things that nobody can really remember properly so we just got a bit confused.

I just phoned xp to see if he would take the day off work to try to reassure ds but he's too busy this morning and will text me this afternoon to see how he is. Then he said there was no point him taking time off because ds has told him he doesn't want to see him. Yeah, right. When I pointed out that ds might just be testing him to see how easily he gives up he came out with another load of tripe.

The phone thing is bugging me. Is it reasonable for xp to text ds on my phone at any time he likes? He is suggesting he texts him every day. That's not unreasonable, is it? Is it reasonable for me to vet the texts so that ds doesn't have to read stuff like 'look after your mum for me'? I would much prefer if he could say to ds 'I'll see you on Wednesday and Friday this week but you can text or phone me any time you like'. Isn't that a preferable arrangement? I don't even trust my own judgement on this anymore.

Thanks to you all for looking out for me. I think I will look back on this period of my life and say, oh yeah that was when I had a complete mental breakdown and the wonderful dumplings saved me from going under.

I'm also ashamed to say that I have told xp that he should be here at home with his family who loved him, that I never wanted this, that part of me wants him back still. I broke it down to my heart wants him back 70% but my head says 100% no to him ever coming back. So that is 35% of me wants him back. Perhaps I need to work on the 65% bit. I know I am very vulnerable right now. What a mess.

LC I have PM'd you. Feel free to reproduce what I have said on it, to the main board. Waves to the others. Kate can't take the credit for the words you cut and pasted; that wasn't me and I am still with my DH.

Hello WWIFN - it was Getting who wrote it, she mentioned it last night, I have read so much of what you have written and well as everyone else and it has helped a lot.