Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Thanks Googoo and Pink I suppose one day I will see that but in the meantime Im a bit like you Pink and take a little comfort in it.

I suppose I am stuck hoping and praying for Karma that his relationship will fail with extremely younger OW and he will realise he has left a good relationship and he has been an idiot.

Also I know you will all tell me not too, but I am thinking of writing to OW's parents to let them know how the realationship started so their D cannot dupe them into thinking they were both free to fall in love and that he was a married man.

Romney so what would happen next when his relationship fails ? After a period of repentance he would move home ? What would you put all this down to to file it away ? A silly crisis that he has now got out of his system and he will transfer his love and attention back to you ?

Do you think that could really work , to me maybe if it had been a matter of weeks rather than months then perhaps but now ? I dont know because of course people reunite after similar things or worse all the time.

I think reading your posts impartially its time to stop having any kind of contact with him because I think hes, albeit perhaps subconsciously,keeping you onside so that if he changes his mind or she does he hasnt burnt his boats.

Exchanging gifts ? So sorry to say but that seems really odd to me.

Contacting ow's parents ? Why ? Please focus on you whats next for you and your future not what is or isnt being said about how they got together.

I know you are waiting for your ADs to kick in and give you more coping mechanisms but have you booked any therapy because I think you need a helping hand at this point to guide you to moving forwards rather than wondering about this that and the other to do with them. What I think is anger needs to begin because you sound so ground down and sad and seem to need to hang onto that.

I know you wont but I think goos advice is good on what to text back but really better still consider deleting him from all phones FB etc because this is not helping you its just helping him .

Lecture over and I dont mean to be harsh promise x

Today was not a good day at my big family gathering. I spent most of it crying and have resurrected an old thread tonight for some advice.

Getting I know your right but I cant see how to move forward. I have been on AD's for 3 months but Occ Health and my GP dont think they are not working.

I know he is not coming back and I kind of know that it wouldnt work now anyway as he has hurt me far to much, but at the same time I cant help wallowing! I know its wrong to want to write to her parents but sorry I dont see why they should have an easy ride!

I have had 6 sessions of counselling and the GP has now put me on the nhs waiting list as I cant really afford the £50 per week for a session.

Getting I have been here before, when my 1st husband had an affair but I just cant seem to get over the heartbreak this time, I suppose I really thought I have found my soulmate this time and found out what real love was.

Oh Romney, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you twice. I think that when you get into the counselling (and it does take time) you might see that the issues from the first time this happened had perhaps not been resolved before you married again. I know that I follow the same patterns with men, which means that both relationships I've had since exh have followed the same path and I've been left both times. This is largely due to choosing the wrong man (or the wrong type) because I think I've always felt I didn't deserve a good man, or that good men were somehow "boring" and I needed a man who was a bit unobtainable, so tht I could feel good about him choosing me. Lots of reasons for this. That's me anyway. Yoru counselling will highlight other things that you can work on.
And it's ok to wallow. I do that too. It's just that eventually you have to make a huge and awful effort to move forwards. This happens at different times with different people, so don't beat yourself up. I think you're grieving both marriages really. I know that at the moment I'm grieving for all the failures I've had. I think that's normal you know. Keep posting x

Googoo - I did have 6 session but really didnt see that it helped much, I also have a friend who is a counsellor and we occasionally go for walks and talk.

I also lost my dad 14 years ago from a sudden heart attack he was only 56 yrs old and my mum 5 years ago at the age of 62 I nursed her through terminal cancer and I know a lot of people will say its all connected, but this breakup has knocked me so much I actually cant really believe that I am being so weak. I have always been such a strong person. I have two amazing children, two great jobs, one of which is with the emergency services so am a strong person, but cant get where I need to be to cope.

Oh Tea - the joys of grandparents! I'm so sorry you've had a crap day - just read your other thread. I think you're doing the right thing with your son and of course he's not going to turn into a teenage tearaway! You are consistent with him and most importantly you deal with his tantrums and tell him that they are not acceptable, or at least in a way in which he can understand. This is the main thing. IME, teenagers who are spoilt and tearaway are this way because they have no parental boundaries, in some cases they have no adult who cares enough to explain right from wrong to them from an early age, or they have parents who "deal" with them in a violent or childish way and don't model rational adult behaviour, which means the child grows up without any comprehension of anger management etc. I know this because I teach teenagers. So in other words, bad teenage behaviour has nothing whatsoever to do with not being smacked when younger and everything to do with not being taught boundaries and restraint!
Don't let this spoil what has been such a positive holiday for you and kids. ps I was trying not to cry most of Christmas Day and Boxing Day due to my mum, bless her, who just has no concept of what it's like! :)

Romney - I read a wonderful thing recently from the mental health charity MIND, which said "Mental health problems don't hapen to weak people. They happen to people who have been strong for too long". I think this applies to you.

Sorry need to rant - best ignore

Twat keeps going on and on about my lack of financial contribution and how most women who have children go out to work etc etc

Also, he says he'll let us live in the house - he'll keep paying 100% of mortgage and keep 100% of equity.

Also, says I should have stayed a TA and not done degree cos then at least I'd have brought money in (6 ph)He was ssupportive at the time!!!

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH So angry. Going mad and questioning myself over everything

Romney - do you have dc with your ex. This contact he has with you (the texts) are impeding your recovery. Do they knock you back when you get them, like another blow to the stomach. He can say the words, but look at what his actions have ultimately been.

Deluded, I know your right and I know what everyone is saying it right, I just cant seem to get there, I cant seem to help myself, believe me I dont want to feel like this.

My children are from my 1st marriage.

Getting - the gifts thing I suppose is just me, I still buy my 1st H christmas and birthday presents, maybe I am just weird. I know my DH hopes to stay friends with me as he can see the friendship I have with my DC's father, but I had to stay on good terms with him as we had DC together.

Thanks Googoo, you have made such good progress, it think its because you are a canny geordie lass! Im a kentish maiden or is it a maid of kent never quite sure as it depends on which side of the river you are born!!!

Where - been lurking on your other thread too. Your ex is a marvel isn't he? I agree with you though - I think you are right in letting him see the kids but I would be very wary of him seeing your DD anywhere but in your house, as I think her mental state is probably too fragile to hear about his other "relationships" and he says he won't mention them again but he will. He is such a fool, Where. Get a SOL as soon as you can after NY and work out the beginnings of financial stuff. He's in for a nasty shock. The only reason he's banging on about money is because he's given his away to this woman, who probably can't believe her luck (it sounds like she didn't even have to have sex with him ffs!).
Don't question yourself over not having had a job. You were bringing up the kids, dealing with a DD with severe health problems and getting an education. And a TA's wage (and I know, I'm friends with lots of em) wouldn't even begin to stem the tide of his financial mistakes, which is ALL he's thinking about. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!! Just keep being angry and get thee to a solicitor's. Bloody hell, they're going to have a field day with him. Unreasonable behaviour? Er...and some!

Oh Romney being a Kentish maid sounds so lovely. I guess on the outside I'm a canny geordie lass but my friends know that I'm just a northumbrian dreamer lass really. I am northumbrian - born in Newcastle when it was part of Northumberland then moved to a little village in Northumberland when I was 4. Dead proud to be a border lass you know :)
Never thought I'd know and admire a Kentish maid. There are silver linings to all horrible black clouds you know :)

And Where - you can rant whenever you like love. As Patience says - let it out! That's what this is for!

I think its all normal Rom ,just a kind of denial that the relationship is over ,u say urself u still have hope ,unfortunately he is manipulating u still with his contact and keeping the smallest flame of hope alive ,mine was the same,I could only truly start to heal in Aug when it was truly truly over ,absolutely no going back.

Just found this on another thread. Quite apt I'd say!

Oh thankyou soooo much goo. I couldn't un derstand why he's latched onto this money business. (duh -me)

He keeps insisting he'll continue to pay for house etc for the children but I should get a job in the meantime before I begin PGCE - IF I even get on the course. I will have another go tomorrow re legal aid sol. I found one before xmas so have had to wait. I'm hoping to qualify as a teacher and buy him out of the mortgage which he was fine about.

I need a sol to tell me what happens re £25,000 he spent on tart. I'm hoping if the rest of the mortgage is say, £100,000, I'm entitled to £50,000 and he also loses half of his half, iykwim. So many questions for a sol to answer. Don't want to risk not being able to do teacher training if we divorce too soon and I can't offord to make any repayments. No point speculating - need legal advise.

I think he has been dumped by tart now he's told her he can't keep spending money on her(who'd have thought that would happen?!) HA! But he keeps making excuses for her and saying she had a vulnerability about her!! I don't think she even had to take her knickers off for £25,000! Nice 'work' if you can get it!

I am also hoping they will have a field day with him!

Thankyou for making me see sense - yet again. I can't see the woods for the trees atm!

PS, Doing well on this post-dumping diet. Already lost 12 stone and 2 lbs of lard. Only the 2 lbs of lard was from me

I saw that link goo - couldn't help also thinking of where we'd like to stick that heel...

He hee Where! Good lass - that's the spirit! Solicitors are very good at looking at things and working out possible financial settlements (I know this throught my own divorce). My sol put up a few options and sent them to his sol. Then I took bull by the horns ad eventually phoned him and very clamly put across what I wanted to happen and to my astonishment he agreed. Bearing in mind my exh was a bully and I was scared of him. So go to sol and I promise he/she will work out all options for you. I really liked going to my sol. She's seen EVERYTHING before, she was really sympatheitc, very professional (obviously) and completely on my side (as I was paying her) and she knew exactly how to approach things. It suddenly took away lots of stress for me.

Romney You will get there- we all will but do you really honestly want him for a friend? This has to be about what you want now so you can get yourself together again. Friendship cannot exist without loyalty I think. I too sometimes feel like writing a letter to my x's bit on the side's parents and letting them know how much hurt she and he have caused my wee boys. I don't know the nature of their relationship now anyway as my x doesn't tell the truth anyway. Then I wonder why I care, just when I think i'm indifferent an idea pops into my head like showing up at their place of work v calmly and delivering something with a deadly message but that wouldn't change anything anyway and he would have betrayed me in another context anyway further down the line so better to discover now-no time like the present. karma will out anyway. Also i blame him totally he is the one with the wife (X) and 3 kids but i still would like to let her know how much havoc they have wreaked between them.
Tea Your day sounded v tough its hard when your kids are criticised by family but as their mum you know them best and where they are coming from. I hope you have a peaceful few days.
Goog Its v hurtful when people are so insincere like that (all the sweet talk you mentioned) and it messes your perceptions of things so much. I too tend(ed) to believe people but will not be fooled again. I look forward to our meet up in 2011 and we will all take a leaf out of Garfield's book that night and party like toughs as quoted by Patience
I will order that codependency book in Jan. I got some dosh for Christmas so have bought a sat nav so I can take my boys on lots of trips and adventures without getting lost. My sense of direction is so pants I got lost driving from N Glasgow to the imax on Sat. Today I got an electric blanket and a new fat duvet in Asdas sale and my Christmas pressie to me was a Betty Boo blanket with arms in it. It is so fab. So all my money has been spent now yeeha!

The slushy weather means I will go to Ireland on 30 Dec which is good in a way. i will tell my mum and rest of family and dread that. I know it will be a relief but I don't want my mum to start worrying about me.
Anyway all ye fine women take care and keep walking towards the sun.

Hey Patience - you ok up there? Might put a tune on in a bit. Feeling better tonight - glad I'm in my own house. Going to the theatre with the kids tomorrow - we're going to see Wind in the Willows then going for a posh pizza. Really looking forward to it. Started to read them Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe tonight. But 4 year old scared of witches so wouldn't go to sleep. Think I'll have to just read it to older DS...
Patience - you started reading Mrs Dalloway yet? Must get Muppet Christmas Carol - I bloody love the muppets. Only show I was allowed to stay up for when I was little. I was dead scared of Beaker the scientist but used to do a great Miss Piggy impression and I quite fancied Kermit. Shouldn't have admitted to that really

Ok girls, here's a lovely song from a favourite of mine. Love to all x

Where......loving that you've lost 12 st

Goo......I sort of fancied Kermit too, especially when he sang that nice song on the stairs. He had a certain something didn't he.

Brilliant advice from everyone on here.

Off to read your thread Tea.

Phew, it wasn't just my twisted mind then!
And by my reckoning, I've lost about 36 stones in the past 3 years!

Lol well by that reckoning I've lost 18st but I took the slow hard route .

Tea, read your post & think the advice to step back is good. Put boundaries in place that your parenting or dc's are not up for discussion. I had to do this with my parents yrs ago & it worked a treat.

Well spoke to Norm, conversation was a bit akward & tense but left him sweat it out & do most of talking lol. Am going to meet him tomorrow but think Pink is right that if the good outways the bad to leave it go. I think he was just caught up with family & was a bit horrified how I interpreted it.