Can anyone talk to me about sub/dom relationships?

[CuriousSub]

Right, well, I have been here a loooong time but have name changed for this.

I came to these boards when I found out about my stbxh's affair and the advice here was great and really helped. I went through hell for 3 years but I am now in the process of divorcing him.

So now I am testing the water and have frequented some dating sites and have been speaking to a gorgeous guy who is far too young for me and we got to talking about what we like. It turns out I love being dominated and he was looking for a sub.

Sooo, we have been texting, emailing and now speaking to each other and the whole idea is driving me mad with desire. I am actually short of breath when he suggests things.

This is something I hadn't even thought about before but I definitely want to see this through. He wants to meet and I would love to.

But I wanted to ask here is anyone has been/is a sub? What is expected of you? Where is the best place to look for advice/ideas?

Sorry, I know it isn't Friday yet - but nearly!!

I know where Dittany is coming from in that there must be misogynistic men who are into this type of thing who specifically target women with low self-esteem who they can dominate/humilate/project their anger against women towards.

But if the woman is going into this with a reasonable level of self-esteem and is aware of possible dangers (which could happen in any relationship really) then I am not sure that it is such a big deal.

In a way, it is the men who conceal what they are are really like or really into that are more worrying - only to reveal their true colours once they have managed to tie down the woman (bad joke, sorry) with a few kids, a mortgage and their drinking/financial/porn problems into the bargain.

It is true that there are gender politics in all this stuff, but then there are in any sexual relationship.

For instance I had a misogynistic father so I loathe that type of man BUT I also know that I could never be attracted to a man who did not take control. It is a big turn on for me and I can see that you only have to take this one or two steps further to get into this sub/dom thing.

Dittany is most certainly not a troll.

She is very firm in her opinion. She makes very valid and useful contribution to many threads on mumsnet, it just so happens that on this subject she and I (and several other mnetters) will never see eye to eye.

Dittany infuriates me on occasions (as do other regulars on here) but as a rule if i feel so angry that i would make a personal attack I walk away from my computer and come back when I can post a reasoned response.

Upto a point I enjoy debating with Dittany, and reading other debates she contributes to but i inevitably reach a point where i walk away.

She will not change my mind about this subject, I will not changed hers, but for the sake of others reading this the discussion sometimes has run it's course.

sorry - should say 'has to run it's course'

As far as I can see there is only one person who is detracting from the OP question/s.

If dittany wants to start another thread re feminism etc then let her do that. Let the OP get a response to the questions they are asking without going totally off on a tangent re feminism ..................

Perhaps dittany has come up with sensible responses in other threads but i certainly havent seen any in this one.

As stated previously ........ we are all entitled to our own opinion ...... now lets get back to helping the OP and not slagging off what others like in the privacy of their own homes.

Dittany "Mind you the "the this is my first post and I'll make it a sexy story about spanking@ sounds straight from the letters pages of Forum." I don't know who that's aimed at. The OP has said she's name changed and I used to be Juicy12, so I'm not new here either. Just to clear that up Anyway, I think you're pretty set in your ideas, so I won't both trying to engage with you, but I would like to say that you simply can't see everything in black and white as you seem to be doing here. THere are plenty of sexual practices that don't float my boat, but if two mutually consenting adults want to partake, who am I to judge (because that's what you are doing). Live and let live amongst secure, mutually respectful, consenting adults. And btw, my DH asks because he would never do anything that I wasn't happy with. That's how our relationship works.
AnotherMum Dittany's no troll. Misguided, and pretty judgemental here, yes, but definitely no troll.
finally, curiousSub I hope you are OK. This thread has been derailed now, but I haven't forgotten that there was an OP!

I don't see discussions of feminism as a tangent to this discussion, not really (even though the OP might).

As someone (probably Dittany) pointed out, the personal is political.

It's just differences in the interpretation of how politics impact, and how they SHOULD impact, on relationships and mutual pleasure.

Do alot of sexual positions/activities not involve one or other of the parties to take a submissive or dominant role. Take the humble blow job or anal sex or girl on top or even doggie style. There is an element of submission and dominance in those but they (maybe not the anal) would be normal to most relationships and most people wouldn't have an issue.

I would neither be overly submissive or dominant but I tend to enjoy being more submissive than dominant in bed even though I would be the more dominant one outside bed. I am not really into spanking or pain but I do like being f**ked. Is that not being submissive? just at a different level.

I have often thought that the brand/variation/style of feminism that is so obsessed with telling other women to stop having sex, or stop having that sort of sex, or to feel guilty about having any sexual pleasure or needs at all, is the one that's really playing into the hands of the patriarchy.
Because nothing scares the patriarchy more than women's sexual autonomy, women making choices about who they will have sex with and how and when and doing it for the sheer enjoyment of sexual activity. Because the patriarchal worldview demands that women don't like sex, that they use it as a commodity, that it;s something they do for men rather than because they enjoy it - because otherwise women might want sex with LOTS of men instead of voluntarily becoming the property of just one and not minding how rubbish he is in bed.

I have fun with a guy who emails me stories- words are a great way to get turned on! Over the years I have seen very few guys who can do this well. A lot of guys can be pervs, but one who can write well and express well is rare.

To dittany:
I am so taken aback by your assured pronouncement that I was a victim of "sexual harassment in the work place".

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Do you not read posts properly before you pronounce on them in ex cathedra mode?.

And where did the verb "hit" come from??.

Maybe I am not around this forum long enough to grow some kind of thick skin - but it is not in my nature to just accept somebody twisting what I've said.

Anyway, you will be glad to know that when I got back this evening, there was my Christmas Card (and book token) from my old mentor. I confess that it does my heart (and ego) good to know that nearly twenty years later, this beautiful classy guy (who is about 82-83 at this stage) still remembers me fondly.

Before you make any more pronouncements, let me just remind you that, at the time of our encounters, we were both free agents.

And before you come back with any further pronouncements about "sexual harassment in the work place", let me just share with you the biographical detail that my Master's Dissertation was in that area. Even though I have moved away from HR, I would detect a case of SH at 50 miles distance on a foggy night. Hate to spoil your binary world, but in SH cases, it is extremely rare for the players to finish up in bed together.

I don't normally get annoyed - but I'm annoyed this evening. I came back to find my Christmas Card and book token (my 18th, I think) - and was delighted for all kinds of reasons. Then I logged on here and found your pronouncing tone and your use of the verb "hit".

But there is an upside.
I am half-way down a bottle of fairly decent red and waiting for my husband to come back from a Christmas Golf Day and Dinner. He will have a few inside him and we will finish the bottle of red and chat about our day. I already know, by text, that he won on the back nine (whoopee) and I will tell him, inter alia, that my old friend and mentor came up with the old Christmas Book Token again.

What Hubby does not know is that the first chance I get I will smack him on the bottom and, on the second chance I get, I will do the same. At some point, he will either respond and engage, or he will put such interaction out of the question. If it is the latter, I will just accept that one can not have everything in this world. Because, I have a lot.

On the other hand, if he starts to respond, I will encourage him and waggle my booty and let him know in no uncertain terms, that he is a killer in the sexual stakes.

So I can't lose.

Thank you for making me so annoyed - because, it cleared my head.

Mirandax - I am so very glad you no longer work in HR. I hope you have no say in people and grievances at work. I take it you don't as I get the feeling that your husband is the provider in terms of finance.

I do not think you would know a true grievance (sexual or otherwise) in the workplace.

I can't see how you attitudes would ever help women achieve equal pay, let alone not have to suffer SH.

You sound trapped to me and not very happy.

I do not think you are a free agent at all.

@ StuffingGoldBrass - I have often wondered this very same thing when listening to women who perform FGM talk about their practise.

@Dittany dear, you are determined to try and "reason" women like me out of their search for sexual fulfilment via unorthodox means, but I can guarantee you this much; you will fail. ?Pointless sexual practises? they may be to your uninformed and erroneous mindset but there are those of us who have studied/or intuitively understand the use of sexual energy to cause pain, anger, joy etc in order to make subtle or profound change to our lives. Experiencing certain emotions/sensations does ignite and allow the nonlinear (feminine to you) side of the brain to reach some sort of emotional equilibrium.

Hell, even sexual fluids can be used to achieve the same thing and so much more. Do you know Jesus, the son of God engaged in the ingestion of semen aka the elixir of life for this very purpose?

Rather than suppressing or trying to modulate our desires to feel totally, try and understand them. If this is asking too much, then don't pass judgement or apply blanket statements to something you have no idea about. Keep approaching this from a militant feminist point of view, and you will end up failing the same women you think (emphasis on ?think?) you are helping.

Ps - Catholicism the only Western belief system (with the exeption of Wicca) that advocates the worship of the Great Mother in her avatar form of Mary/the Black Madonna/Sophia is ? a sadomasochistic woman-hating religion gone mad??

@ Miranda, I thoroughly enjoyed reading both your posts. The first one was honest and I wish it carried the same unapologetic tone that the second one did because you don't sound trite, or selfish and neither should you feel this way.

I understand what you mean (having experienced the release of endorphins from doing something similar to spanking). I was peaceful, content, relaxed for days after! I really wish I knew of a way (short of hypnotism) to bring your DH round to the idea.

Please say you will stay in de-lurk mode and continue posting.

SA

I am going to try this "Elixir of Life" to assist me on reaching that higher level of spiritual well-being that other mere mortals cannot achieve.

I am dousing my Weetabix in semen and shall ingest it with renewed hope for my emotional salvation. It should serve me well at work all day, I am hoping.

I shall also get DH to flay my arse before he leaves, it might just assist in gaining that promotion I have been seeking for so long.

I knew there was something missing from my life.

YOU are dousing your Weetabix in semen?

How are you doing that, then?

AF, I think oats might be more appropriate, and don?t let the fact that you aren?t the Son of God put you off! Please do post back with details of how you get on.

Ps - Remember to drink plenty of water; semen can get pretty sticky.

AF

And women spanking women?
And men spanking men?
And women spanking men?
Why are you only focussed on men spanking women, when it's clear that this type of sex-play is enjoyed whatever the genders?

ah but Reality...did you have a have a helping of semen with your Crunchy Nuts this morning ?

it has spiritual properties, ya know

I cannot believe that Dittany thinks a consensual sexual encounter between two adults, involving mutually agreed spanking is sexual harrassment in the workplace.

This kind of OTT hardline gives feminism a bad name. And you sound joyless. A bottle of good red is self medication for pain? Give me strength.

AF, do you think the milkman would deliver some if I ask?

I feel much better today. Hormones have calmed down a bit now and divorce seems a little bit more manageable

"Do you know Jesus, the son of God engaged in the ingestion of semen aka the elixir of life for this very purpose?"

Did he? Where was that in the Bible then?