Can anyone talk to me about sub/dom relationships?

[CuriousSub]

Right, well, I have been here a loooong time but have name changed for this.

I came to these boards when I found out about my stbxh's affair and the advice here was great and really helped. I went through hell for 3 years but I am now in the process of divorcing him.

So now I am testing the water and have frequented some dating sites and have been speaking to a gorgeous guy who is far too young for me and we got to talking about what we like. It turns out I love being dominated and he was looking for a sub.

Sooo, we have been texting, emailing and now speaking to each other and the whole idea is driving me mad with desire. I am actually short of breath when he suggests things.

This is something I hadn't even thought about before but I definitely want to see this through. He wants to meet and I would love to.

But I wanted to ask here is anyone has been/is a sub? What is expected of you? Where is the best place to look for advice/ideas?

Sorry, I know it isn't Friday yet - but nearly!!

Dittany - no, she has not described harrassment. She has quite eloquently described a mutually enjoyable sexual experience. If everyone subscribed to the type of sexual political correctness that is sometimes displayed on these boards, we would all be grimfaced in our lifelong monogamous marriages, or alternatively, single and bitter about men and determined to remain that way.

People meet through work and sexual liaisons happen through work. It is just a fact of life. Sometimes they are ill-advised, sometimes they are bloody good!

Consenting sex between adults which is enjoyable and entered into without coercion is not harrassment. Sorry, but you have pushed the boundary of sexual political correctness to absurd extremes.

What did the older gentleman get out of the mutual sexual exchange? Now, let me think - a chance to philosophise about large age gap sexual encounters that arise from the work place, possibly to use for his phD thesis perhaps. Most probably, a bloody good sh** with someone he fancied and could share his fetish (if that is what it is) with.

There are worse ways to spend one's time I suppose.

God - get a grip woman!

And by sh** I mean shag, rather shit which is an entirely different type of perversion I expect!!

Perhaps people are refusing to address the sexual politics because, in many cases, there are none. I've been with DH for 15 years now and every so often he'll smack by backside having asked me if it's ok first. And, to be brutally honest, I love it. And if I didn't, we wouldn't do it. He's a fantastic father, my best friend and bloody brilliant in bed, and always has been and he worships me and the kids. Reading your posts, Dittany, make me feel so - not everything has to be so joyless. Sometimes it's just about having some fun with someone you love, trust and respect. What is wrong with that? Really, what's the problem, cos when I'm in bed with my husband, having just had a fantastic shag, I can't see what the problem could possibly be. I'm not speaking for anyone else, but that's how it is for me and my DH.

CuriousSub, if you are still reading, I hope you are feeling a bit better today

I am not surprised you had that post deleted from late last night, it was one of the most worrying pieces of text I have ever seen on Mumsnet.

Look after yourself

It's not always the man who introduces the woman to this, certainly wasn't the case for me in the early days.

My DP hasn't 'suggested' anything to me. I told him what I liked sexually, it made no difference to me if he wanted to indulge that desire or not - our sex life is great with or without the smacking. Likewise he told me what he likes sexually. Not all of our likes will be mutual and so we don't do them.
Having been in a relationship which was not sexually fulfilling there was no way I was going to drift into another of the same - so i was clear about what my needs were and are.

AF sorry i didn't respond to your post last night, had gone to bed and have been busy this morning, but I agree with everything you posted and the OP's subsequent (deleted) post concerns me.

OP I hope you can get some support to help you with all of the upset you are going through right now. I don't know the particulars of your break up, but I went through one myself and so if you want to PM me I'm quite happy to talk off board if that would help.

Any sexual thrill will make you feel good about yourself, but it has the inevitable highs and lows and if you are already in a bad place emotionally it is not the right time to be exploring a new-foud aspect of youe sexuality.

Sorry AF

I was very hormonal, very tired, a bit drunk and sad having started my divorce proceedings this week. And I am not feckin ready for xmas!!

Probably not the best time to start this, is it??

Dont worry - I dont think all of what I said was totally true. People on here have made me question what I am doing (prob rightly) and so I was starting to doubt my state of mind.

In the cold light of day, and after a good slap to the face (is that allowed, Dittany?) I feel a bit better

AF sorry i didn't respond to your post last night, had gone to bed and have been busy this morning, but I agree with everything you posted and the OP's subsequent (deleted) post concerns me.

anonanna, thanks for saying that

But Dittany he is asking rather then just going ahead and doing it so that he has her permission. She is giving her permission because she wants him to do it. Because she likes it. HOW is that wrong ?

Sorry to just butt in I have been following this thread with interest and had to say something

oh hi, CS, cross posted with you then

You do seem brighter. I am still concerned for you though (even if you would prefer me to brush it off...)

We all say things in the heat of the moment we don't quite mean, but you gave me a scare (and hopefully yourself, tbh)

Perhaps you could get though christmas (btw, I hate xmas, and I am in an ok place emotionally) and then see where you are at in the New Year ? Do you have good friends/family in RL that you can talk to ? (not the subby bit...the other bits...)

"Do you see his backside and want to smack it? If not why not? And if you did, would smacking him turn you on sexually?"
"
For me, absolutely yes, sometimes I'll grab a handful of his delicious bum or even bite it - I would hate it if he asked my permission to give my bum a tap or a squeeze, (plus he would be asking about 20 times a day).
I've asked every woman I know if their partners fondle and tap their bottoms, the answer is always yes, it's a natural thing for a man to do to his partner when they have a wonderful relationship - spanking is just a natural progression of that, it's loving behaviour, not abuse. If you don't understand that, fine, but to judge decent, caring men who do get it, is very wrong not to mention hugely arrogant for you to assume that you know best - YOU DON'T.

Dp has slapped my bum lightly once or twice. I told him to STOP IT AND SOD OFF. Funnily enough he hasn't tried it since then. Agree with AF really that a loving relationship (where you know the relationships doesn't depend on you saying yes to everything) is probably the place to try these things out.

mal...20 times a day ?

is that not a bit irritating ?

that just seems like a reflex action "ooh, look, a bum, I have to smack it..."

or like swatting flies..

Not always a smack AF , could be a squeeze, could just be a single finger, traced around the shape of my (ample) buttock.
When I read all the sad stories on here of all the women whose husbands never touch them (unless they want a shag of course), I'm glad my DH is so very tactile.
I wouldn't want him any other way.

I shall buy him some fly spray for Xmas...

Errm, ok, cheers for that.

no problem

I like spanking my DP, yes it turns me on.

Dittany -

As for the consequences of saying no if he wants to spank me and I'm not in the mood? There are no consequences. You really cannot get the concept of this being mutual can you.

You really do just boil every argument down to the fact that whatever a woman thinks she is controlling actually it's all just reverse psychology on the part of the man.

If every action or decision a woman takes is ultimately either actually being subliminally controlled by man, or is somehow undermining the feminist struggle then quite frankly the feminist struggle is an entirely futile one isn't it?

Every feminist 'win' has been achieved only because a MAN allowed it to happen - after all they have had the control, therefore they have had to relinquish it making it them empowering us.

I've been following this thread and I'm getting to the stage that the words 'dittany' and troll troll troll troll seem to go hand in hand - totally detracting from the OP question/s.

Why not go to that other site (punternet) you were harping on about in another thread where you may find someone who pretends to care what you say/think re what people practise in their own homes/or wherever for 'fun' and 'pleasure' and most definitely not as punishment or assault.

AnotherMum, what do you mean? You mean you think Dittany is a troll?

I can't see it myself. She's consistent, and sincere.

Joylessly wrong on this thread and similar, spot on on others, but always clearly sincere.

AMOH..that's a bit unpleasant

dittany is entitled to her opinion

she is a challenging poster, and some people appreciate that, you don't need to tell her to go somewhere else

if you don't like her comments, why don't you find somewhere else to post

there have been a lot of personal criticisms made on this thread...why single out one poster ?