Can anyone talk to me about sub/dom relationships?

[CuriousSub]

Right, well, I have been here a loooong time but have name changed for this.

I came to these boards when I found out about my stbxh's affair and the advice here was great and really helped. I went through hell for 3 years but I am now in the process of divorcing him.

So now I am testing the water and have frequented some dating sites and have been speaking to a gorgeous guy who is far too young for me and we got to talking about what we like. It turns out I love being dominated and he was looking for a sub.

Sooo, we have been texting, emailing and now speaking to each other and the whole idea is driving me mad with desire. I am actually short of breath when he suggests things.

This is something I hadn't even thought about before but I definitely want to see this through. He wants to meet and I would love to.

But I wanted to ask here is anyone has been/is a sub? What is expected of you? Where is the best place to look for advice/ideas?

Sorry, I know it isn't Friday yet - but nearly!!

I don't want to get involved in this discussion as I got thoroughly bored of the same 'if you like BDSM you must be oppressed even if you think you aren't' arguments on another forum. Just wanted to add my name to the list of unashamed, non-namechanging spankos

OP, I can also recommend the informedconsent site. Take reasonable precautions, take things slowly and have lots of fun. Oh, and what anonanna said. Couldn't have put it better myself

Anonanna - exactly what I was trying to say before :)

I'm not ignoring the context of male domination and female submission in real life across the world. Have seen it at very close quarters, and find it as abhorrent as I'm sure you do, and indeed in the BDSM 'world' those of us who actually understand about equality between the sexes (in all apsects of life) are pretty vocal about our hatred of it. But what you seem to have real trouble understanding is that in the context of a loving relationship (because for me at least this sexual exchange can only be in a relationship)letting my man slap my backside is not the same as him hitting me in anger or as a means of control. He knows damn well if he hit me under any circumstance other than the ones I dictate are acceptable to me then he'd be out on his arse with the police after him pretty soon after.

I will say (and have said) that the OP should be using an appropriate website to discuss this and part of the support she will find there is that if she so wishes to explore this side of her sexuality then the other members of the site would make sure that she didn't come across exactly the type of man you fear all male doms to be. The BDSM community is pretty good at weeding them out and making it quite clear how unacceptable their behaviour is.

Feminists released women from all types of male oppression, including the fact that expressing your sexual desire made you a woman of lose morals. Feminists fought to give us that sexual freedom and now seem bent on making us feel guilty for using it.

Dittany - this is and always will be a circular argument with you. As that blog pointed out, some people just are this way. And some people like you will never fully understand that this is NOT about male oppression and is all about consenting adults finding certain sexual practices mutually fulfillng.

It's honourable that you fight for the equality of women, it's honourable that you contribute to these threads to help someone view all sides of the picture, but stop trying to tell those of us who are certain of ourselves that we are somehow flawed, or weak minded Stepford Wives when most of us are in fact feisty, strong minded women who accept nothing less than complete equality and respect from our men.

As for your argument about female Dommes charging out of economic need - what tosh. The desire to dominate must be there, you cannot turn it on simply to make money and any Domme that tried would soon be out of business because there is far more to it than just tying up a sub and beating the hell out of them. They would be hounded out of the BDSM community.

in the context of a loving relationship (because for me at least this sexual exchange can only be in a relationship

this thread has (inevitably ?) got sidetracked, but the quote above is what essentially I have been saying since the beginning of this thread

I feel very uncomfortable with someone just out of a long and crappy relationship (her words) arranging to meet a complete stranger who is 20 years younger than herself with the explicit message that they will jump straight into a sexual relationship that is fraught with many potential risks

not just physical risks (although I think there are some, more than a "normal" internet date), but emotional ones

whatever my personal feelings about domination and submission, if this was a friend of mine I would be trying to make her see that this could all go so horribly wrong

even with safety advice from a support network, reading between the lines, this lady seems just so kinda vulnerable like a kid let loose in a sweetshop

anonanna, what are your thoughts on that ?

sub, I am not happy you are feeling like this...who could be ?

I am not quite sure what to say to you, but it sounds like you are are really really not in the right frame of mind to be pursuing something do risky to your general health and emotional well-being

if some strangers on the internet have made you think twice about doing this, in your current mindset, then I am glad

because you have "hurt me" written alllllllll over you

have you any support in RL (not randoms on the internet...I include all of us in that, btw, as well as your friend). Don't ever be sorry for "going on"... reach out and talk to someone you trust

I am so, so sorry x

Thanks AF xx

are you ok ? really ?

I need to go to bed (early start) but am concerned for you

please tell me you will ring a friend tomorrow

Curious Sub, I have been following your thread with interest and have learned a lot , as I have obviously lead a sheltered life lol x

CS, you have had some good advice on here, your last post is worrying, I hope that you are ok! You deserve to be safe and happy x

I am fine.

Please go to bed!!

I will not do anything silly. Just feeling stupid xx

I'm one of the ones who say BDSM is good clean fun and people should feel free to give it a go.

...but it doesn't sound like you're in a particularly good frame of mind for it. I said earlier that you need to listen to your brain and not let your emotions get carried away. You just said:
"I feel like I have a death wish at the moment...I don't care if I get hurt...If I do, then good - that is what is meant to happen."
They are not good emotions. I think you should really shelve any sub/Dom plans for a bit. I would certainly advise guys to stay away from the woman who says she has a death wish and is depressed at the moment.
I think some counselling would be better for you right now.

nobody, not even the most vociferous of posters has said you are stupid

and this is anonymous anyway, we don't know you from Eve

could you post tomorrow under your usual name, with a thread about what the real issues are here (your unhappiness and feeling so low)...

look after yourself (and I think you should cut contact with MrDom, seriously) xx

Dittany ----> A man who gets a hard on from verbally abusing a woman like that and choking her is a woman-hating monster.

Is it now? . A man you say? do you know this man in question and the context in which he called me these names?

I will read the rest of this thread in the hope that at some point, you will reveal that you have engaged in BDSM and therefore speak from a place of knowing what it is and what it is. I am guessing 'twon't be long till I see the word 'feminism' 'feminists' 'oppression'.

Hummmm....

@ Curious Sub, do please report back and with details. I want technicolour details with bells and whistles on.

@ Dittany ? You said ?Seriously getting cheap thrills from a guy who wants to hit you, whatever part of your body it's on - not a great idea?.

Right, time to raise the bar a little bit here and go beyond the mundane school of thought. There is a science behind physically inflicting pain on the body. The Catholics with their practise of self flagellation is a good example. What happens is your consciousness is altered and they can enter into a certain spiritual state. Same thing happens with spanking; some women achieve intense orgasms.

Er, SurreyAmazon, when you've read the rest of the thread you'll see that CuriousSub isn't in the right head-space for BDSM atm. But it's a good read, anyway!

Thanks, OldLadyKnowsNothing. I actually stopped reading her posts when I got to this little gem 'I'll be honest, I think women who like this sort of treatment from men hate themselves and on some level think they deserve punishment'.

It really takes a special brand of arrogance to make such a disrespectful comment.

SA

Or being in a bad headspace. :(

SA, continuing to argue the point is rather tactless faced with the update by CuriousSub, IMO

or would you rather ignore her distress in the pursuit of hammering your point home ?

For your information AF, I stopped reading this thread after a certain point. Note that I quoted one of the OP?s old posts and asked her for details because I was catching up, so no, I am not aware of the OP?s ?distress?. You will also notice that I did not respond to OldLadyKnowsNothing either because I had already logged off.

Ps - Thanks for the heads-up Oldladyknowsnothing.

Though CS's last post has now gone, I would also say: if you are feeling awful don't proceed. It's not a good idea to enter into BDSM (or any kind of sex/relationship) when you are feeling self-destructive and not thinking straight.

However, going back to the rest of the thread:
I like to tie people up and spank them. I am not a menace to society, have no wish to distress or destroy those I do it to - and no interest whatsoever in doing it to anyone who is unwilling. I am not particularly keen on being spanked myself but do not think that makes me more or less of a feminist than any intelligent self-aware women who does like being on the recieving end.

First posting - but, I have been lurking for quite a while.

Reading this post assures me that I am not in a minority of one - as I sometimes think.

Before I got married, I worked for an International organisation. My role was a coordinating one where I "looked after" a number of committees. One of these was chaired by a man who was pre-eminent in his field. We had a lot of interaction and on a number of occasions I accompanied him to International Conferences where he was a speaker. He was the definition of a gentleman, in every respect.

Even though the gaps between us were huge, in terms of age, experience, status, intellect etc., etc., I always felt so secure and warm in his presence. Our interaction took place over two years. He was 64-65 and I was 27-28 years old at the time.

I was not in the habit of jumping into bed with everybody I fancied - but there was a inevitability about our getting together. Even though it was always going to be nothing more than a pleasant (very) interlude.

The nub of the matter is that he introduced me to the concept of being spanked. Starting from a base of being massaged, it seemed that it was the most natural thing in the world for him to move on from playful smacks. He interspersed bouts of spanking with gentle masssge and I felt totally secure all the time. What amazed me was that I got into it so fast - and I absolutely loved it. Even when it got to sting a bit, I was still afraid that he would stop. Without going into detail, one of the payoffs was when I turned on my back, the sensation of the cool sheets against hot skin still remains with me.

We had three trysts over the time. His term as Chairman came to an end and I got the offer of job nearer to my home at the time.

Two years later, I met my husband and we have two really smashing children. My husband is really nice and good man and an exceptional Father. We have an enviable lifestyle, thanks to him. He is very attentive to me and has been a rock when I was very ill five years.

I really should not complain about anything - but, I still have that memory of that sexual high of nearly twenty years ago. My mentor of that time still sends me a Christmas Card (and book token) every year. This time of the year brings him very much to the fore of my mind. Even though he is now of venerable age, I often fantasise that I should contact him to meet up and ...........

My husband is very "diligent" in the bedroom and I do fancy him. But, like in the rest of life, he veers towards the safe and conventional. I am not a swing from the chandeliers candidate myself. But I do crave that spanking experience of twenty years ago. I have suggested it very playfully and waggled my bum (which is a swimmer's bum) - but no dice. He is very much aware of my mentor's existence in my past - but no idea of his real impact on my sexual memory. I am very aware that all this happened before I met my husband - and I could tell him about a liaison, but not about the intensity of the spanking and my reaction to it.

At the risk of sounding extremely selfish, I get a bit morbid at the prospect of seeing out my days without ever again having the opportunity of reaching the same sexual high. If ever I was to stray, it would only be to experience again that high I appear to get from being spanked. Given all that I have, this sounds so trite. But there are times when I just feel that I have to have that experience again.

There is

Mirandax - that's so lovely, and sad.
Is your dh really not up for trying it, or have you just not properly broached the subject?