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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone talk to me about sub/dom relationships?

585 replies

CuriousSub · 10/12/2010 00:11

Right, well, I have been here a loooong time but have name changed for this.

I came to these boards when I found out about my stbxh's affair and the advice here was great and really helped. I went through hell for 3 years but I am now in the process of divorcing him.

So now I am testing the water and have frequented some dating sites and have been speaking to a gorgeous guy who is far too young for me and we got to talking about what we like. It turns out I love being dominated and he was looking for a sub.

Sooo, we have been texting, emailing and now speaking to each other and the whole idea is driving me mad with desire. I am actually short of breath when he suggests things.

This is something I hadn't even thought about before but I definitely want to see this through. He wants to meet and I would love to.

But I wanted to ask here is anyone has been/is a sub? What is expected of you? Where is the best place to look for advice/ideas?

Sorry, I know it isn't Friday yet - but nearly!!

OP posts:
nurseblade · 04/01/2011 21:32

The fact that he is trying to dictate what you wear at this stage rings alarm bells for me. You don't do that until you decide to submit, and you don't decide to submit before you meet. It doesn't matter what he wants you to wear, the fact is, it's not his choice to make at this stage. If he has any knowledge of D/s he knows this and would also know that a more experienced sub would tell him to fuck off with his demands. I have a lot of experience with D/s but there will be many others on ic with far more experience than me. I know I keep saying it but please do post on the boards for advice from other subs. They will be better than you at spotting the dickheads.

Original poster
CuriousSub · 04/01/2011 21:43

Ok, well maybe it is my fault because I asked him what to wear on Friday. His request was that I look as I would in the office. Nothing tarty. Personally I don't see a problem with that. I feel comfortable in his company and we get on amazingly well.

OP posts:
nurseblade · 04/01/2011 21:55

Ok, it's just that throughout the thread you have ignored advice from people with more experience of D/s than you. That's up to you. But just remember, and I'm not saying this to be dramatic, when you do BDSM you put your life into the hands of the person you play with. You need 100% trust and that takes time to build. It can be absolutely amazing when it goes right but also terrifying when it goes wrong. Every sub I know on the scene, myself included, has had a bad experience (rape, hospitalisation, being mentally scarred). For most of them it happened during their first year or so on the scene. Then we wise up and realise that sub doesn't mean we have to take shit. You could learn from other people's mistakes or you could make your own.

Please if you do nothing else, at least read up about sub drop and discuss with him how he will see you through it.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 22:24

is this one going to turn out to be all yap, too ?

I am down to my last nerve, here ! Grin

a knee length skirt and shirt ? Hmm

is that not just the most boring outfit in the world ?

are doms curiously unaware that fashion has moved on since 1958 ?

I thought this palaver was supposed to be exciting and all racy'n'stuff Confused

AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 22:27

NB

Every sub I know on the scene, myself included, has had a bad experience (rape, hospitalisation, being mentally scarred).

Shock

is it worth it ? Serious question...

AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 22:30

you see, further uphread, us boring twats trying to get OP to use a little common sense caution were told very, very firmly that this was harmless sex play and no more dangerous than meeting any old bloke down the pub who is mates with your Auntie Dora, and who has lived up the road from her like forever

(or words to that effect)

NB...you are saying something entirely different, aen't you ?

AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 22:31

sorry, my t key is fucked

nurseblade · 04/01/2011 22:45

It could be harmless and wonderful. What worries me about the OP is that she's refusing to take advice from people with more experience than her. New subs are prime candidates for abuse. I'm trying to help her gain some knowledge to protect herself but sadly she thinks she knows best. I can't blame her, I was like that when I first got into the scene. Being raped and beaten up soon made me wise up though.

I think my advice differs from some people who are telling her not to get involved in D/s at all or that it is wrong to be submissive. I'm not saying that at all, I completely understand submissive desires. But I also understand how powerful D/s can be, and it's best to read up and be prepared.

And yes, it is worth it. When it goes well it is amazing. Most people dont give up on relationships if they have one bad vanilla experience. It's the same for D/s.

SurreyAmazon · 04/01/2011 22:52

Grin Grin Grin @ "some people are born meddlers".

Heh..

AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 22:55

yes, his thread has certainly been a lesson in how to stick your fingers in your ears and go "la-la-la"

madonnawhore · 04/01/2011 23:08

All I can say is: woah.

Am watching with interest...

Original poster
CuriousSub · 04/01/2011 23:17

I am not ignoring, honestly!

I am doing more research as we speak.

And dont worry, I will look fab! In my own way. It doesn't have to go further Friday and I will be very close to my house (without him knowing how close I am) Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
CuriousSub · 04/01/2011 23:19

AF, is that a dig at me??

My finger are not in my ears, honestly. But I really want to do this.

OP posts:
nurseblade · 04/01/2011 23:20

Can you answer my sub drop question please?

AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 23:29

CS, no not a "dig"

I am agreeing with another poster in an upfront way that you haven't listened to any advice since the very beginning of your thread

that is not my definition of "dig"

TiggyD · 04/01/2011 23:48

When you say she's not listened to any advice AF, do you mean she's listened but disagreed with you?

Listen to advice CS, do some research, then make an informed choice. I hope whatever you decide goes well.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 23:51

no, TD...and if you go back and re-read my posts on this thread, I have shown nothing but concern for her well-being...physical and mental

and if you had been here on the original night of this thread, and read the post she wrote that got deleted, you wouldn't be questioning my motives, believe me

TiggyD · 05/01/2011 00:01

I did read it and I quoted quite a bit of it in my response to her if I remember.

You have shown lots of concern for her well being. I think just about everybody on this thread has. But listening doesn't mean doing. She might have read every single post on this thread, taken it all on board, and made her own decision on what to do next. That's different to sticking her fingers in her ears and going "LA LA LA".

AnyFucker · 05/01/2011 00:10

true, tiggy, when you put it like that

shall I get my coat ?

AnyFucker · 05/01/2011 00:11

just out of interest, tiggy, did you see the post that got deleted ?

TiggyD · 05/01/2011 00:18

Yes I did. There is a post by me just after it with lots of her quotes in quotation marks. I gave some advice saying she I felt she wasn't in a good enough frame of mind to follow through with things at the time.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2011 00:22

ok, fair enough, tiggy

so you see where I have been coming from all along then ?

StuffingGoldBrass · 05/01/2011 00:51

NB: Sorry you had a shitty experience in the past. I don't know if the risks are worse these days what with the higher numbers of people getting into the scene via the net(have been on the scene for over 20 years) - my general experience or at least what I have heard from others suggests that while there are arseholes out there, the percentage of dangerous nasty arseholes within the fetish/BDSM world is about the same as the percentage of dangerous nasty arseholes in the non-kinky world.

nurseblade · 05/01/2011 03:54

SGB: yes I completely agree, however their ability to fuck people up is probably greater due to the fact that if someone consents to being tied up, blindfolded etc they are then powerless to stop someone going too far.

It also might be tricky if you wanted to tell the police 'well I consented to being tied up and hit but then he went too far.'

TheFeministParent · 05/01/2011 08:00

If the reason for meeting is sex then surely there is more opportunity for foul play?