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Original poster

Can anyone talk to me about sub/dom relationships?

585 replies

CuriousSub · 10/12/2010 00:11

Right, well, I have been here a loooong time but have name changed for this.

I came to these boards when I found out about my stbxh's affair and the advice here was great and really helped. I went through hell for 3 years but I am now in the process of divorcing him.

So now I am testing the water and have frequented some dating sites and have been speaking to a gorgeous guy who is far too young for me and we got to talking about what we like. It turns out I love being dominated and he was looking for a sub.

Sooo, we have been texting, emailing and now speaking to each other and the whole idea is driving me mad with desire. I am actually short of breath when he suggests things.

This is something I hadn't even thought about before but I definitely want to see this through. He wants to meet and I would love to.

But I wanted to ask here is anyone has been/is a sub? What is expected of you? Where is the best place to look for advice/ideas?

Sorry, I know it isn't Friday yet - but nearly!!

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 02/01/2011 20:44

Sorry, that posted twice.

Original poster
CuriousSub · 02/01/2011 20:56

Saw photos taken by his phone. I am convinced now that he just didn't like meeting people. He was 27 and he never went out. He was always in his house at night. Didn't seem normal.

My mistake.

Not sure what you mean by suggesting I cant have a normal relationship with a guy just because we met on a fetish website. Surely it has more chance because we both know that we are both kinky Smile

Anyhoo, proper relationship or not, I am still hoping for some good, honest, kinky sex!

OP posts:
Lydwatt · 02/01/2011 21:23

Of course we're interested Curious!! Smile.

I'm sorry and glad it didn't work out. It didn't sound right. I'm glad he just turned out to be an inadequate saddo and not completely sick.

Hope this one works out..

I like the idea that you are dipping your toe back into the idea of having a relationship. Sounds much more fun

trulyscrummy · 02/01/2011 22:43

Good luck. I've a sub side myself, so empathise

Original poster
CuriousSub · 03/01/2011 23:41

OK, another update...

Met new guy today - we went for a coffee and chatted for two hours! We got on amazingly well. He is lovely. Very intelligent and very intense.

We are meeting again on Friday and I cant wait. Please dont be worried. I am definitely looking after myself this time.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 04/01/2011 00:09

CS: Glad things are going well for you. FWIW I know one or two couples who met via fetish dating sites originally and are very happy.

Just wondering though: were the PMs that bothered you from 'perverts' or were they passive-aggressive misplaced concern from people going 'Eek, yuk, arrgh, don't have kinky sex, have therapy!'

AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 00:23

sgb...are you insinuating that the posters urging CS to take care and think carefully about what she was doing would bombard her with "aggressive" pm's too ?

no big surprises there, CS, that first guy turned out to be all yap Smile

Original poster
CuriousSub · 04/01/2011 08:37

SGB, there was one person asking me not to but in a nice way. I understand peoples' concern, especially if this is way outside their comfort zone.

A couple of people were just saying they had done it and to have fun but be careful.

I am feeling better myself at this new guy because our "likes" are so similar. The previous guy liked things I was really unsure about and I was worried I would be pressed into doing things I didn't want to.

If anyone is interested I will update after Friday Smile

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 09:41

come back sgb...admit you are putting words in people's inboxes...

TheFeministParent · 04/01/2011 09:47

knee jerk reaction:

Why would anyone want to meet someone with the common factor of sexual preference? Surely whilst important there are far far far more important things to look for when considering personal safety and a relationship.

StuffingGoldBrass · 04/01/2011 11:15

AF: There was a lot of officious and ignorant squawking on this thread and some people are born meddlers, that's why I wondered.

TFP: what an idiotic statement. ONe protects one's personal safety by following the usual measures ie meeting in public and telling someone where you are going etc. ANd sexual preference is no more a wierd or wrong way to choose who to date than a shared love of country and western music or Thai food: equally likely to lead you to a compatible playmate or someone you don't fancy at all.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 11:19

then you "wondered" wrong, sgb, dintcha

TheFeministParent · 04/01/2011 11:22

Yes it is....I'm not going to stick my Thai crabcake in someone's arse am I? Sex is something that's either instant (face to face attraction) or a slow build.

StuffingGoldBrass · 04/01/2011 11:27

TFP: But when you arrange to date someone new, you are or (or should be) aware that both of you are looking for some sexual activity in the near future, but equally that if you don't fancy each other, it won't happen. (People who are not interested in a sexual relationship should seek friendship, not dates).
People who have non-mainstream sexual preferences often find it's easier to date or seek dates among people with similar preferences simply because there is a better chance of finding people with compatible tastes rather than going through all the palaver of dating a straight only to find out that s/he thinks adventurous sex means leaving the light on and wont be budged from that viewpoint.
Sex is unimportant to some people, but very important to others, again if sex is important to you, you need to beware of getting mixed up with someone with a low libido.

TheFeministParent · 04/01/2011 11:32

TBH...I haven't dated in years.

Original poster
CuriousSub · 04/01/2011 11:38

Nor me TFP, that is why this is all so exciting Smile

OP posts:
TheFeministParent · 04/01/2011 11:47

WEll good luck and stay safe, just because you've declared your sexual preference it doesn't mean you have to get to that bit any quicker than with anyone else!!

Lydwatt · 04/01/2011 18:57

oo update after friday, yes please!!

ps still think this sounds better than last one!

nurseblade · 04/01/2011 19:03

I know several happy couples who met on BDSM sites. Really curious to know if the guy is on IC/fetlife and who he is!

Original poster
CuriousSub · 04/01/2011 19:49

I have an email from him telling me what he would like me to wear and that he would like to take me out for dinner and a drink and then we will see what happens

After our coffee/chat he says he would just like to spend more time in my company before anything else happens.

Now to find a babysitter!! Knowing my luck they will all be booked already!

OP posts:
nurseblade · 04/01/2011 20:05

Personally I'm of the opinion that the first date should be vanilla. Until you have decided to submit he shouldn't dictate what you wear. Once you have agreed to submit to him then, if that kind of control is your thing, great.

I would strongly advise you to post on the boards on whichever site you have joined. You will get opinions and advice from other subs, which is what you need most.

Original poster
CuriousSub · 04/01/2011 21:16

Well, we chatted yesterday and there is no obligation to go any further on Friday. Also, his request for what I wore was just a knee length skirt and shirt so nothing too bad :-)

OP posts:
isore · 04/01/2011 21:19

A knee length skirt and shirt???? I couldn't think of anything worse!

StuffingGoldBrass · 04/01/2011 21:21

Nurseblade is right: you should always have your first meeting set in both your minds as a chat and a check each other out, not a commitment to any kind of play. Because one or both of you might simply not fancy the other when you meet, one or both might have been lying about his/her physical appearance, one/both might be a nutjob.

Lydwatt · 04/01/2011 21:26

I thought they had already met for coffee and chat?

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