Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Hi Where, I too am from the other thread and have been reading your story.

It makes me so angry reading about what your xh is doing. How selfish and self absorbed he is.

I wouldn't think about work if I were you right now. I'd focus on getting through xmas and seeing a solicitor. I felt hugely relieved when I got good legal advice and felt so much more in control.

It's also good to take one step at a time and do whatever you can to stay positive and get through it. Pampering, walking, coffee with friends, music, whatever it takes.

I can't see where you are but I am south of London. If you'd like to meet up for coffee pm me.

Looks like we've all popped out from chin out to read your story. As so sorry where - to lose 21 years of your life in such a callous way. Prize arsehole!! Hopefully the prize is crabs or something
You are getting such great advice here - I can't think of anything to add right now. You are coping so well. Stay strong and keep posting. It's such a lifeline x

THANKYOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH - I can't tell you how much I appreciate and need your support.

I did find a legal aid solicitor and she sent me a sort of review of what I told her BUT she is about 200 miles away so after fafffing about it, I've decided to find someone I can actually see in person because this is all soooo complicated. Twatface keeps saying he'll support us but he got a bit 'stressy' when I told him I need it in writing. He was saying "i'll need to get a solicitor then...can't it wait til after christmas?" I sort of don't want to rock the boat cos he does keep offering money for Tescos and willingly paid up £300 for the vets last week. Everything is getting paid for atm so faffing. I'm sure I will come to my senses about this. xxx

PS, I can't pretend I'm not longing for him to realise what he's done and come begging for us to have another go at our marriage. BUT, after how he's used our daughter and denied her anorexia is anything to do with him, he is not the man I thought he was. He used to be so lovving and even if this is all mid-life crisis, doesn't excuse him cos he had control over the choices he's made.

I've told him not to msn me in the evenings 'for a chat' and like someone else on her (forgive me, I've forgotton who) I told him I will be friendly towards him for the children but we shall never 'be friends' like he wants. x

Get a good Sol and give him a right good kick in the bollocks ,you owe him nothing ,he is an arse,decide what job you want re UR degree and work towards a life enhancing career ,but this is all about u ,u decide when .He is just another selfish dickhead that has realised this seperation business is fucking expensive .It's all about you now ,if u feel you need to work on self esteem ,just do it ,fond a counselor to help you celebrate you ,he will notice your zero tolerance empowerment right away
Ps most sols do free half hour ,you need one ,top priority x

Thankyou Urban.

He's just phoned to ask what time he can come over tomorrow to see the dc and did I want him to buy me a present because "it wouldn't feel right coming over without a present for me". He also said we could leave the kids for half and hour and 'have a talk'.

I'm afraid to divorce him incase he gets let off lightly re finances because I know how bitter I will feel at having to eventually sell the house etc etc.

I want to rearrange his face and pull his bollocks up over his head.

"...present for you"

Liking the bollocks bit.

They say it's good to get angry. Until recently have always had a problem with being able to get angry but got the hang of it now.

It's a bit of a speciality of mine tbh.
Right where this is what I found tough,you have to separate emotion from reality,reality is u are seperating from a manipulating,spoilt child ,used to getting his own way and who is living completely random irresponsible life atm and causing u horrific pain.Remember he detatched long ago or he wouldn't be able to act like this ,u need to start seeing it as business too.he has legal obligations and UR a lone parent now .I would tell him to stick his gift up his arse.tbh .How is dd ,does she h ave a good ED counsellor .I can recommend one Pm me if UR interested.just keep punching the couch ,I'm getting boxing pads for Xmas.lots of things will change now but that is why you need legal advice so he doesn't swindle you some more to fund his lifestyle,he is the bastard not you and sol will advise you accordingly ,big hugs I'm away to do more shopping for me ,only little treats but all for me .

Thankyou for your messages.

I told him not to get me a present - it's only to ease his guilt etc (obviously he denied that). It was insulting tbh. I'll give him a knuckle sandwhich for his xmas present

Our dd is with CAHMS and I fear she'll be transferred to anorexia unit after Christmas when she gets weighed there again.

Just had a visit from the police. I reported plumbers to Gas Safe and Healh & Safety Execative for illegally fitting our boiler and they've reported me to the police for harrassing them. They are out for revenge (even though they got away with it). Can't stand this additional stress.

Urban - go spoill yourself x

Ifyourhappyandyouknowit - yep, anger has got to be better than misery!

Typical

Trying to put the dc needs first. Twat came round at half 11 to see dc - they didn't want him to go so he is still here watching the telly with them etc whilst I'm upstairs, alone cos I can't bear to be in the same room as him.

I'm allowing myself to be shut away but can't stand seeing him either.

This is the shittyest christmas ever.

so sorry, love x

keep your chin up

this shitty xmas will soon be over

next year will be better x

Thankyou AnyFuckerForAMincePie

Hi where I'm thinking of you today remember this Christmas is shit but next year will be so much better it really will. You have come such a long way in a couple of weeks just think what a great journey you will take in a year. Having a slightly trying time here too so don't think everyone else is really happy cos there are a lot of people wishing today was over! All my love and thoughts lovely lovely lady. Tomorrow it is nearly over x x x x :)

Hear hear! Shittiest Christmas ever here, too. Next year will be better. Next year must be better...

fp...sorry to hear your xmas is shitty too x

Oh AF - so awful. Made the mistake of speaking to H on phone - full inventory on why our relationship was shit and he can't countenance coming back. I really am struggling to hold it together at all, tbh. Sorry to hijack this thread with my misery, but I just feel so bleak.

I am so sorry for you x

Yes, it was a mistake to engage with him...but soooooo bastardly of him to lay that on you on Xmas Day

I hate him, that was an absolutely awful thing to do

He couldn't summon the good manners to stay civil on today of all days ? I hear a very guilty conscience at work here...

he has to make a monster of you to justify his crap choices

sooo juvenile and following a well-worn script, that is for sure

hold your head (as) high (as you can) and just get through xmas x

Officially only 7 hours of Christmas (shitmas)day left!

I don't know about you all, but I'm thinking about what we could do next year to make it a better christmas. Maybe go out for lunch or something.

Lets hope our ex-es have an awful, lonely and miserable day next year whilst we are all thriving and having fun

Why not have another Christmas Dinner tomorrow when your pain in the ass aint there.

You and DC can have a fantastic day alone together and just put today in the past.

After all many people will be having Christmas on another day.

Go on ... set the trend and have yours again tomorrow and have a ball (pardon the pun) or perhaps not !!

Sorry it's not going well Where, mine is good this year but had a couple of bad ones prior to this one.

I'm sure things will start to look up from now on, you are a strong lady and will get through it one step at a time.

Has he left?

That's a good idea AnotherMumOnHere. Maybe I should have planned things a bit better. I've done Lunch etc and tbh I don't think I'm the only who wants xmas to be over with.

Luckily he pissed off not long after. I thought he was set for the afternoon['for the children'] but luckily the 'fuck off now' vibes reached him in the living room (or big lunch his sister was doing)and he went.

Boxing day tomorrow - he better not come near me or I'll 'box' his ears.

Please could some tell me what's wrong with me?

I'm obsessed with emailing and early morning texting to twat. Yesterday I sent him a link about Hugh Heffner getting engaged to a 'play mate' and made comparrisons to his and twat re being old letches and using money to pay for girls who wouldn't normaly want anything to do with much older men.

Also, sent him another link of the Nassan 370x which costs the same ammount he spent on his 'girl friend' saying the car would have been more reliable and longer lasting etc

This morning at 5 I was obsessing and texted him. Today he is taking our dd shopping for stuff for his flat. I texted him saying it must be thrilling for him buying stuff for his flat cos this is what he's been planning for months whilst I'm going mad with the devestation of the situation.

Those are just 3 examples. He's left an offline msn message telling me to stop the insults by different media. I replied he didn't like being reminded of what a c*t/wa*er/family wrecker he is and he's lucky that's all I'm doing.

I know the more I obsessively do this, the more it's going to confirm all the negative things he's been thinking about me when I really want him to wake up one day and realise he was STUPID to have lost me.

The problem is, I'm being so 'good' re the children [putting their wishes first -he sees them nearly every day]
that his life is carring on as he's been planning it whilst I'm still devestated/lonely etc and I want to shout in his face; 'don't you know/care what you've done!!!!'

Please, can someone talk some sense into me?

With the constant texting/emailing you will be coming across to him as a pathetic weak needy woman and he will be feeling justified in his actions.
You need to back off and reagain yourself respect. Show him you can and will get over this. Act aloof and grow a backbone. Start making plans for yourself and show no interest in his new plans.
Perhaps with withdrawing you will rewaken his interest in you although l think you are far better of WITHOUT this looser.
Chin up start making plans for you and your DC's. You are young and have awhole lot of years left to fing a man who adores you and treats you well.
write the texts or emails if you must but don't sent them.
Make 2011 a year for you to start again.

Thankyou for your reply Doha.

I know you are right, I even know it when I'm doing it but can't seem to help myself.

I know we have no future but can't get over the hurt.

More self control is needed I think!