Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Where, oh dear, please don't just accept his excuses, like Doha says he is probably trying to justify his actions by blaming you.

He might actually feel pretty crap about himself and perversely thinks that by blaming you it absolves him of his guilt. The worse thing you could do now (for both of you) is to accept what he is saying. It will further demoralise you and in no way help him see what a dreadful thing he has done.

He was moaning that I don't do anything like go out enough/have a life of my own seperate from him etc. To an extent he is right cos I don't have any proper friends/hobbies (except reading) I think he felt suffercated by me relying on him for everything too much.

Low self-esteem has been a problem - felt I didn't deserve friends/nice things for many years so haven't made enough effort to get them. He must have found me rather boring (eventhough I often made him laugh)

I asked him why he didn't say years ago if he wasn't happy but got more irritated with me.

I feel soooooo hurt. At the moment I can't help but believe him cos there is some truth in what he says.

Also, finding it hard to cope with the dc because it is like thier Dad is still Daddy Cool/Mr Wonderful when he has been a c**t. I know it is selfish but feel jealous.

what a dick. you're well rid of him! there's something so pathetic about a man in his 50s thinking a 22 year old really likes him for himself! just wanted to reiterate what everyone else said about you getting legal and financial advice, and how strong you have been.

ps I would love to be a size 14 lol!

Even the most boring person in the world (and it can't be you because that award goes to me - if reading books is boring) doesn't deserve the treatment your husband is dishing out.

Did you have friends and a social life when you first met your husband? because two things occur to me about this,

1. you did and you have lost your self esteem because of your marriage or

2. you didn't and your husband would have been aware of this. In which case he accepted this from the start.

It sounds to me that you have suffocated yourself (not him) in putting your needs secondary to caring for your dc, their father and your home. If that seems boring to him now, ask him if he would have prefered you to have special friends like him, spent all your money outside of the home, spent your spare time with other people and your nights chasing sex on adult sites, because that seems to have been his hobby. Does that make him exciting or does it make him a deceitful sad old fool.

Thanks catherineps.

Too soon to see the bigger/more positive picture.xxx

Where please don't be taken in by what he says. This resonates with me because my XP made out that we didn't go out enough because of me wanting to stay at home. We didn't have money to spend on going out, plus I always had all the chores to do on my own and also he never had any ideas on where we were to go and what we were going to do anyway. We used to laugh about how "boring" we both were when we first got together because we both liked simple things and couldn't stand clubs and parties etc. He said all kinds of crap to justify him running off with OW. She was so exciting and could just drop everything to go shopping, meals out, parties. It isn't the fact that you weren't exciting enough, real life gets in the way. He wants the "fantasy" and that has what he has got. Good luck to these losers, we'd rather live in a boring reality, reading books and being true to ourselves, don't you forget that.

My exh said exactly the same thing to me when he was leaving e.g. "You're not the person I married, you're frigid, everything about you irritates me, my friends think this that the other about you, you don't go out, why don't you want to come on a bender with me ?etcetc" And I had such low self esteem because of him that after six years I completely believed it was my fault, that I was being needy, that I was boring, unattractive, a crap wife - I even apologised at one point!!!
And then surprise, surprise, when he'd gone I eventually turned back into myself again, went out, made friends or reconnected with friends I'd had before we got together and started to enjoy being with people who liked me and valued me for who I was. And now I realise that I was so subjugated by this man that I hated myself. It was him, not me. I had just become a very busy working mum, with a baby and a toddler. I hadn't become boring. I was just knackered, needing some tlc and had grown out of going on benders. And now I'm still knackered, not really that interesting, still don't go on benders but I realise that's normal and that my friends like me for who I am. He's a wanker Where. Don't listen to him. And he knows in his heart of hearts that he's behaved abominably. It's just easier for him to make you feel bad (because he knows how nice and trusting of his words you are) than it is for him to think about what he's done. And he will probably never admit to it being his fault, or ever say sorry. My exh hasn't 3 years on. But he's doing exactly the same to his gf, so I know it's his pattern of abuse, nothing to do with me.

Once again, your kind posts have helped enormously - thankyou! You have made me see sense.

I emailed him and told him he'll end up a lonely old man. He said he's always had a self-destructive side to him (even before we met)and knows he's being a shit. I told him a few home truths about his lack of friends/hobbys/interests etc etc and he admitted I had a point [how gracious of him -dick]. I also emphasised I was in my 30s (oposed to his 50s)and could easily find a hot new man who didn't need Viagra. He knows I'm right. I know I'm right even if I'm not feeling it!

What's wrong with these men? Why do they never learn and continue the same way?

Stupid stupid men

Thankyou xxx

Goo oh how I love the things you post. You are great! XP says that "we've changed" and "we've grown apart", I know that in some ways he is right. I have matured and he has become some sort of girl-chasing saddo, trying to fit in with his new childish, sexist, thicko mates. I am slowly becoming a little more accepting of myself as opposed to thinking I must be ok because he loved me. I don't need him to do that now, it didn't last after all. I am a kind, loyal, generous person and he couldn't be with me because in that respect we are so different, he is a lying, selfish, arrogant dick.

Asking him for insight about what drove his choices is like walking around with a big "kick me" sign taped to your butt. Don't do it unless you're up for a kicking. He will kick you, every time.

He is probably telling people who ask him what went wrong that you are frigid or cold or wasting the family's money or have a young boyfriend, are a terrible mother/ crazy/ blah blah.

Stillhurtin, yours sounds exactly like mine . He would say 'Why don't you get a babysitter, make a reservation somewhere, choose a film, and I'll take you out....'

WherecanIhide, Yes he does know in his heart of hearts that he behaved abominably and that is why he says you keep 'getting in his head' and he can't stand it. You are a living, breathing reproach to him because he knows you have your integrity intact and you are a better person than he is. He is right that he is not one bit nice. But that won't stop him sticking in the knife and twisting it when you try to find out what has been going on ans for how long. The only way to find out the truth here, to create some sort of narrative of all this for your own sake is to have the computer searched.

Great posts, Googoomama, Stillhurtin and Nogreatexpectations.

Still, you are becoming a top dumpling! You too Where. I've done that with exh and now recently exbf - "I must be ok because je loved me". Wise words. Now I'm beginning to think "I must be ok" full stop! We'll all get there in the end girls and find people who appreciate us for what we are - no more, no less. :)
And Math - you too are wise and sound like a good woman.
One thing I've learnt is that the best way to deal with these narcissists is to ignore them. They HATE it. And it's good for us too. We can start to detatch. :)

Woman Power! Or am I getting a bit carried away LOL

Nah - go for it girl!

Sorry, been off to watch Apprentice final because I CAN!!!! Woohoo, at least I really appreciate doing what I like to do now. Thisafternoon singing my head off to the bands I like to listen to and watching the telly shows I like to watch. Sick of conforming and pretending to be something just so I fit in or don't irritate a man. It's only now I don't live with a man anymore how annoying and whingy they can actually end up! And all the time they try to turn it round on to us, whilst leaving their dirty pants on the floor for the laundry fairy to put them in the washer.....

AArrrgh I'm so angry!!!

Having a bit of a boring day at home, so when the twat emailed to say he was at his new flat waiting for his new bed to be delivered [don't know why he told me that]I thought our dc might appreciate seeing him. Twat was keen and so were the children. We drove over in the snow and when we got there he was waiting for them and talking on the phone. He acknowledged the dc but HE LOOKED SO BLOODY HAPPY/CHEERFUL. Like he hadn't a care in the world. How dare he do what he did and be so cheerful looking!

I've made huge efforts to be reasonable regarding the children but it really twists the knife knowing he isn't going to lose out in any way because the abysmal way he has behaved.

He's made it clear he doesn't want me anymore, but I secretly hope he will regret losing me and want me back. He knows he may well end up lonely but he'd rather that than be with me.

How can I ignore his aapparent happiness!???

He IS going to lose out - he left you and your kids, one day they're going to find out why. It's going to affect their relationship for the rest of their lives. They are lucky to have a mum who cares so much about them she is being reasonble and mature about a situation that is hurting her so deeply inside.

Doubt that good cheer's going to stick around - he's going to be sat alone on his new bed in his lonely flat - without kids or scungy 22 year olds for company.

Been lurking on this thread but just wanted to chime in with the others: you're being so strong, even if it doesn't feel like it. Keep your chin up, this will pass.

Oh thankyou Lulu - it is hard to see the bigger picture when first dealing with the sh*t. I REALLY REALLY hope he feels lonely (I know I do)xxx

Amusing link about mid-life crisis

www.pathpartners.com/forum/index.php?topic=277.0

Please may someone tell me what i should do?

He's going on at me saying I've got to get a job cos it is a bit hard paying for his flat as well as the family home/bills. He doesn't see why he should pay for me to sit at home 'and do nothing'. I know he is right cos if we were still together I'd be getting a job (if i could find one)

Please could you tell me if I should 'suck it up/be mature and get a shit job to subsidise his flat? He says the money doesn't add up to keep paying for everything

I don't think he has the right to bully you. Did you agree to get a job before all of this. Do you want a job now?

I don't think you should be expected to subsidise his new life style.

Have you been to a solicitor or CAB and if so how did you get on?

Thankyou nogreatexpectations and mathew (sorry you've been ill).

I contacted the CAB and they've sent their Seperation/divorce info. Not a great help tbh. I have contacted Land Registy to see how to register my interest in the house so he can't just sell it.

The stupid twat still feels he is in love with this 22 years old and thinks she really/genuinely loves him. He believes they have a future together etc etc [maybe they do???] He says he's told her there is no more money BUT i think she is still contacting him.

Also, he keeps insisting the £25,000 was his money to spend how he likes cos he earned it.

Need to find a new Legal Aid soliciter near to where I live cos the one I have been in contact with is miles away and the law is too complicated to try and do it all via email.

Thankyou for your replies xxx

You really do need to get the legal and financial side sorted immediately. Until you do, he will continue to nag you about a job/money, and you are unable to counter that.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit hard-hearted but he is moving on, getting a flat, and (I think)you are still hoping that something is going to change and he will come back to you. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. In the meantime, you HAVE to start looking after yourself. In the first instance, that means getting proper advice from a solicitor. Do it now, before everything stops for Christmas, otherwise you will be in limbo until well into the new year. If you see a solicitor today/tomorrow, you might find it gives you a bit of relief/comfort (because you are taking back some control of your life and you will know exactly what's what).

Hello Where I wanted to do a post on this thread as I didnt realise you had one going until goo mentioned it.

My god I am sooo sorry your H is unspeakable with all the elements of this especially wrt the dc. As you know my xh was a MLC victim but not on this scale .

I am very familiar with the go and get a job chant , what is it you do all day etc etc. Its so shit of him though to be expecting you to be doing anything other than putting one foot in front of the other in this very early stage of discovery at whats going on.

Well from my recent divorce stuff I can assure you he cant sell the house out from under you. First of all whether you will even be forced to sell up in due course will depend on the numbers of bedrooms v the number of people ie do you have a spare room ? If you dont then my understanding is you can remain there until youngest dc is 18 and you then sell and divide the money. If you do then yes you have to sell (as you know I am currently enjoying that experience now).

The £25,000 ? I dont know but I am afraid in reality the costs involved in proving what hes done etc could be prohibitive in recovering the money which I think would be half ie hes entitled to fritter his half. But obviously you can go through that when you get a solicitor.

Also to clarify nothing is his , everything is half yours whoever "earnt" it and that is 100% the case.

If there is any way you can raise the money to see a solicitor sooner rather than later (for instance you get a loan on your house equity)I really think you should because evidently whatever he is saying it is self evident that he totally unscrupulous financially and indeed clearly feels he can decide whats what and spend in his own favour.

As others have said too I am afraid before you know all those honourable intentions will bite the dust as he realises that to fulfil them will require him going without and that wont happen.

Where there are so many awful experiences on MN and yours is right up there but overall you are handling it all incredibly well. I had assumed from our thread you were much further down the line than a couple of weeks or so. Keep going and posting and getting the support you need.