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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on online dating chat sites

613 replies

WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 10:27

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

OP posts:
Original poster
WherecanIhide · 16/12/2010 16:03

Math, I do Know what you mean. We haven't had a computer for 21 years and he wasn't the sort to go out alot in the evenings.

I still think it is a mid-life crisis and is acting out of character (he has been what I'd call a 'good' husband/father up to now)

BUT it still does not excuse what he has done.

OP posts:
googoomama · 18/12/2010 13:30

Hi Where - hope you are keeping your chin up. Thinking about you love xxx

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 18/12/2010 16:49

Thankyou for thinking of me goo.

Feeling really depressed today, like I can't pretend to be optomistic anymore.

OP posts:
googoomama · 18/12/2010 17:34

I think that point was bound to come Where. You have had such a terrible two weeks or so of revelations since your initial posts and you have been unbelievably strong. You are bound to be in shock. I think you should go to the docs if you haven't been already and then try and slow down and let everything sink in. I really feel for you. You must be exhausted - you are trying to keep it together and deal with practicalities, so exhaustion on all levels. Please keep posting on here or on the other thread. We are here for you. I will be on later to see how you are but go on the other thread too if you need to. xx

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 18/12/2010 17:47

Thanks goo. can't stop crying just want to go to bed and sleep but can't. Going to drs on tuesday morning, then it'll take weeks for antil depressant to work. don't know how I'm going to cope when I can't even face making dinner.

OP posts:
googoomama · 18/12/2010 18:37

It won't take weeks - mine took a couple of days - almost instant. I'm on citalopram - only 10mg as the 2omg made me feel sick. They put me on an even keel without feeling "drugged" and they stop the panic attacks I was having. This is normal you know - you have to go through this stage before it can get better. And I promise it will. Be kind on yourself. But ready meals, just do the minimum for now to get by. Try and live in the moment. Ask anyone you can to help and try to have someone round if you can when you feel really down. This helps me to take my mind off things. And keep posting on here. Remember, this too shall pass xx

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 18/12/2010 18:49

Thanks x

OP posts:
googoomama · 18/12/2010 18:57

Where - keep posting here or on the other thread - lots of people are thinking of you and if you just want to "go round in circles" as we say on the other thread, this is where you can do it. Keep going and keep posting x

matthew2002smum · 18/12/2010 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 18/12/2010 19:12

Thanks mathew. I know theory but I've not got any friends/family for support. I feel sooooo alone. Also, I'm trying to support my dd who is finding it so confusing/complicated. I'm sorry to sound so self-pitying,etc. I keep checking email incase he has contacted me to see how I am because I feel so desperate for support.

I know there are loads of people in the same situation by I can't pop to my mums or have a visit from a friend cos there is no one.

I really am trying to count my blessings.

OP posts:
googoomama · 18/12/2010 19:24

I know that feeling Where. I feel very alone too. Most of my friends are married or with someone and my mum just doesn't "do" emotions and I don't see her very often. Also, over the past year I made lots of good friends but they are all friends of my exbf, so I feel that I can't talk to them about what he has done because it would put them in an awkward position. So when I get in every night I lock the door and that's it - just me and the two boys (4 and 7). It's hard but take heart in knowing that you are not alone in being alone. Most single mums feel like this and that is why sites like this and threads with single mums on are a life saver. And I know that you want him to contact you to ask if you are ok but he probably won't. He is selfish in the extreme and has treated you and your dd appallingly. It's just that patterns of behaviour are so hard to change and you are still looking to him at the moment. Eventually you will look elsewhere. You need to start detatching from him. I know how awfully hard that is and it will be very painful to do so but when you get more self esteem and start to love yourself again it will be easier. This is a long journey though (I am still on it too) and often a slow one. But it is a positive one overall. Don't think about being alone if you can help it. I feel like that too. Just come on here when you need to and please post on the other thread - it is also very supportive. You are doing so well. You are in the midst of the storm at the moment and it's bound to be shit. Try and weather it if you can, you are doing all the right things and going to the docs is very proactive. I promise you will move out of this stage and onto the next, which is usually rage - a very productive stage I find and a sign that you are starting on the road to recovery!

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 18/12/2010 19:33

Thanks again. I'll keep reading what's been advised cos it is so helpful and supportive.

In a perverse way it is comforting knowing I am not the only lonely one, but of course I'd never wish misery on anyone.

Rage has got to be better than this! I'm already torn between wanting him to hold me and wanting to beat the shit out of him Xmas Sad

OP posts:
googoomama · 18/12/2010 19:38

And that's completely normal too. I'm like that too but the eventually the good days outnumber the bad, there is more peace than turmoil and eventually you realise that you aren't thinking about him at all. It's 3 years in January since my exh left us nad I'm so over him that I'm heartbroken about someone else! It is comforting to know you are not the only lonely person. You really aren't. And lots of lonely people are really good, strng, kind people who have been wronged, just like you. You deserve so much more. And one day you will be happy again. Remember that next Christmas this awful part of the journey will be in the past. That always helps me you know.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 18/12/2010 19:53

Thankyou soooooo much xx

OP posts:
nogreatexpectations · 18/12/2010 20:06

I have just read the whole thread and I just wanted to say Where, how strong I think you are being. What your husband has done to you is unforgivable, mid life crisis or otherwise.
For what it is worth I don?t think your husband has lied over his impotence, his actions are very typical of an angry frustrated and unhappy man. I think he blames you for his problems because he can not face the reality that the problem is all his. This is why he has ?acted out a relationship? with this girl. He has deluded himself into believing he can be a ?better man? if only............. He is very dishonest, he can?t even be honest with himself. Like others have said it is highly unlikely that he can stop his deceit and he won?t stop meeting/chatting/ paying for these girls unless he is willing to get help. From what you have told us, I doubt he can even admit he has a problem.

DH lied to me over silly things (nothing quite as horrendous) for years and I am sad almost everyday that I can not trust him. I feel lonely, even with him around and the relationship will never completely recover.

An empty marriage is very lonely too.

The only thing you can do is look after and protect yourself and DCs, financially and emotionally. You are doing all the right things.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 18/12/2010 21:01

Thankyou nogreatexpectations. I'm not sure if he was lying about impotence because we have tried to make love but he gets anxious and doesn't manage a good enough erection for penetration but enough to be satisfied iykwim (!) He may be different with someone else (?) You are probably right.

I'm sorry if you are in an unhappy marriage and feel lonely. Once the trust is broken, I imagine it must be very hard to recover fully. I do understand an empty marriage can be very lonely.

Thankyou xx

OP posts:
AnotherMumOnHere · 18/12/2010 21:17

Ive just finished working my way through this thread and OP I am in awe of how well you have coped and come on since you first posted.

If your "DH" does suffer from diabetis then there is a real chance that he has suffered from impotence (it is a well known side effect of the illness).

I have been separated from XH now for 21 years and divorced for 15 years (long story for the big gap and perhaps one day Ill go into it) so I'll leave you with the others for their up-to-date info and guidance but I am usually around late at night if you feel the need to post if you cant sleep.

Take care and I hope you and your DC have as good a christmas as you can. (My ex and I separated at end of November so I know all about the run up to christmas with not a lot of money).

nogreatexpectations · 18/12/2010 21:29

No, you shouldn't think he would be different with someone else. In one of your previous posts you mentioned that he hadn't been invited into the girls house and yet he was still prepared to believe he had a relationship with her, how pathetic is that. He was probably relieved not to have to sleep with her and make himself look silly. The problem is his (one symptom of diabetes)I mentioned this because in an earlier post you seemed to be implying that you thought it was you, your body after having children and that you don't match his ideal. Total bull, the problem is his and the silly man is willing to lose his family over his vanity.

Yes it can be very lonely, which is all the more reason to stay strong and see to it that he can't hurt you again. If possible I would avoid speaking to him unless it is in relation to practical matters and your finances. If I were you I would avoid discussing what has happened, he seems to have no insight into the harm he has caused.

Can I ask why you can't get any support in RL. Its a sh*t time of year to be going through all this. Do you have family anywhere?

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 18/12/2010 21:38

Hi, yes he does have diabetes! Sorry for your situation.

Thankyou for your post. I just wish I could give something back re all the kindness and support I have recieved. Hopefully when I'm in a better state of mind, I'll be able to offer similar support with the bennefit of my experience.

ps Roll on 27th Dec (I say selfishly) then Christmas will be officially over! (and the Easter eggs will appear in the shops) Xmas Wink

OP posts:
nogreatexpectations · 18/12/2010 22:21

Me, I'm fine, my children are very young and I have lots of people around me to make up for DH. I just wanted to make the point that even if you are lonely and want him back, you might actually be just as lonely in the relationship because the distrust will always be there. I have rationalised everything down to the practicalities of living, we both provide support to our children, should he ever fail to put them first, then I will think again.

I'm in Mid sussex, if you are near and ever want a coffee and a chat in rl send a pm.

Just as googoo says, try to stay positive and think that by this time next year life will be better.

mathanxiety · 19/12/2010 04:36

I think the advice to not discuss the relationship with him any more is spot on. To do so would be like choosing to have him hurt you, as he seems unable to do anything but hit out blindly and leave you gasping.

The biggest plus in this situation is that you are alone -- strange perhaps to say, but there is a lot to be said for having just yourself and the children to take care of and worry about, and this reality will become clearer as time goes on. It's so hard in the beginning though, when you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and the unfairness and the hurt consume you.

And there is nothing as bad as a lonely marriage. At least you have freedom and possibility when you're on your own.

atswimtwolengths · 19/12/2010 10:40

Sorry to hear that you've gone through all this, but really, you have had a narrow escape.

He is in his 50s and impotent. He met you when you were 17 and he's now hankering after a 22 year old. It's pretty obvious where his interests lie, isn't it?

She must have thought Christmas had come early, with some old (to her) man who couldn't have sex with her but who would spend loads of money on her. She must have been on a real power trip.

I think in a year's time you will look back and be so glad he's gone.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 19/12/2010 11:59

Thankyou all so much for posting. I keep reading/re-reading all your supportive messages.xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
WherecanIhide · 19/12/2010 17:31

I just don't get it. DD was in a state so I called him over. All calmed down.

He just doesn't get why I need to know what went wrong with our marriage. He says I keep getting in his head and can't stand it. He needs a break from that/me. He won't tell me anything. He says I've always beeen in his head and won't tell me what he doesn't like about me cos it'll just be a long list of criticisms. Feels like he just can't stand anything about me. I told him I don't understand how he's changed - he used to be so lovely and now he's so nasty. He just said "maybe I've always been a not very nice person" It's like I've been irritating him for years (not lately re midlife crisis)and he's been putting up with me for the sake of the children.

I was coping when I thought it was just a midlife crisis and not thinking straight but now I realise it is much more ongoing.

OP posts:
Doha · 19/12/2010 17:42

Please please don't believe him for one minute.

he is trying to justify his actions by blaming you and transfering the blame onto you thus easing his guilt.

Give it a bit of time and you will realise you are so much better off without this man.

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