Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Hi Where

Glad to see you are hanging in there. Have been thinking about you and sending positive vibes.

The posters are right - he is treating you badly because he is guilty. The arse.

Like I've said before your best revenge is to treat him with the utter contempt he deserves.

Sorry re slow progress wiht the sols :( But you are making headway.

I wouldn't hesitate to go back to the GP if you are still feeling rubbish. Prozac is not entirely uncontroversial and has been linked to increased suicidal ideation.

Are you managing to eat at all?

Take care of you, Where. Now is the time to mother yourself, if that makes sense.

I wish I could come round and give you a hug.

Bella
xx

Bella

And I have to say.....you are sounding very in control today!

More control than a spanx bodysuit

Ha ha you don't need one, you have youth on your side

Hi Where - liking the spanx.

Kind if a rubbishy day for me, too. Was still in my nightie at 4pm.

Ah fire, then it isn't called a nightie, it's a housedress.

Think of yourself as a modern day Margot Leadbetter.

A small, round speccy Margot? I probably can approximate the voice, however.

Sorry you had a rubbish day Firepile.

Meant to have a phone assesment re counselling today at 11. Got a call saying it needs to be posponed until 25th Jan. I told them I'd been waiting since before Christmas and that wasn't good enough (I was polite). Apparently the woman who was meant to phone is off sick. Meant to get a phone call next week when said woman is back at work. Just about sums everything up re real life support. So lucky to have kind ladies on mn

Firepile

Thanks for link, Where!

Nightmare re your counselling. Any other options for this at all?

I have been struggling to beat off a cold, so not spending so much time as usual haunting the internet. Have you managed to do anything good today?

Thanks for your message Firepile - sorry you are poorly.

Got dressed and went to Tescos - not very exciting but an improvement on moping around in pjs.

Twat took dd out this morning and has ds now.

Been reading all about the stages of a midlife crisis - almost obsessively. Strangely find it comforting identifying what stage twat is at and that there is an eventual end to it. I'm not saying I want him back, but I do like to know there is a chance he will reach a stage where he'll (hopefully)reflect on everything and realise what he has done. That may not be for a year or so.

Had a 'meltdown' yesterday so phoned the number I was given and tried to explain why I was feeling depressed, and desperate for support - through ott sobs. After I got it all out, the stupid woman said "...is there anything else that is upsetting you?" I felt pathetic - that she was implying I was making a fuss about nothing I just put the phone down and howled. Also upset dd care coordinator didn't phone as promised - just left a text reminding me about family therapy appointment on Monday. I don't know if everyone finds this; the upset sort of builds up, need a good cry then feel strong again - until next time. I felt better after I got it out of my system.

Hi where, hi fire, just checking in on you this weekend, are you with dc's or are you having some time to yourself?

How are you feeling?

Bummer about the counselling, don't give up though, I found counselling very helpful in my life, you need it for when you are stronger, as it will enable you to see panic anxiety or depression for what it is and that way you can handle it cognitively rather than needing long term medication.

In the meantime it is important to keep being kind to yourself, whether that means a bath and a trashy grazia and a flake ( my fave can you tell) or purposely watching tv you know your dh would hate, or eating things he wouldn't like, well, just because you can.

How is your dd getting on?

Ah we x posted, , you have a good cry, or winged on here get it off your chest.

Well done on going out today and doing something ordinary.

That's one less thing you have to ask him to do isn't it?

Hi Bin - hope you are ok.

I think you are right about the counselling - need to move forward and could do with that kind of support to help me see things clearly.

It's nice you say 'be kind to yourself' - it sorts of gives me permission, iykwim.

DD is ok-ish. She gets fustrated with me in the evenings and irritable. She has her anorexia referral appointment on Tuesday (family therapy on Monday) and is being taken out by a support worker on Wednesday so there is lots of support - thankfully.

I'm worried about ds because he seems very sad and not himself. I'll have to try and have a chat to him tomorrow. It's like getting blood out of a stone re his feelings but he needs more love and support than I've been giving him

So long as I can get the money out of twat then it is a huge relief not to have to deal with him. Now I'm feeling better, there is no excuse for not having direct debit set up.

Thankyou, and Firepile for thinking of me and seeing how I am. x

Hi there Where

Glad to see you are hanging on in there and well done for calling that number - and for getting out of the house - that is real progress.

I can imagine all too well the howling. The difficulty with reaching out is, it's so easy to feel crushed - and in that moment of intense pain, having the insensitive comment or whatever can be appalling. Like seeing a door slammed in your face, and hearing the locks and bolts drawn on the inside.

Please don't letthis bad experience stop you from reaching out again though. When your finances are on an even keel maybe you can have some private sessions. I hope that the NHS counselling appointment you have is still good?

Glad tehre is plenty of support for dd.

Keep enduring Where.

Bella
x

Hi Bin, Hi again Where!

Well done on ringing the mumbers - sorry that you felt that the woman was underestimating how you were feeling. Is it possible that she was just checking that you had got it all off your chest, rather than minimising your situation? I just ask because one of the things that happens to me when I am feeling down is that I always jump to the most negative possible interpretation of what people have said. It is a shame that you felt so bad about it - and I imagine that it might make it harder for you to phone again...

Looking on the bright side, people used to tell me that crying was the best way to let tension go, so even if it only enabled you to have a good bawl, it might have been helpful.

Glad to hear that your dc are OK(ish). And I am sure that they will not think that you have anything at all to feel guilty about. This is a hellish situation for all of you - but none of it is your fault.

Am having very non-U oven chips and beans for tea. My Good Life alter-ego would be scandalised!

They are probably worried for you, but with kids it all comes out as anger doesn't it?

Yes you must be kind to yourself, if one of your friends was going through it you'd be caring for them, so give yourself that treatment.

If you feel you are losing the plot write down some lists of things you need to do re solicitor, bank, shopping, organizing etc so you keep the focus.

And add one thing of enjoyment or time for yourself every evening. Frivolous and self involved

Home pedi, DVD and popcorn, nice dog walk in nice scenery, takeaway...would the dc's join in.? Seeing you normalize would be good for them.

Are you going to dd's appts alone, have you decided on that yet?

You sound a little bit stronger every day where, and you having a cry is just clearing the air and frustrations and better than bottling it all up.

X

And fire, having beans and chips (in a bowl - unexplainably nicer in a bowl!), and i will be disappointed if you aren't in your nightie housedress.

I want to come and live with you!

Perhaps we should organise a virtual chips and beans and nighties night!

Hi Bella, hope you are ok.

I'm sure the NHS counselling will happen eventually.

You are so right re reaching out and feeling crushed. I hope you haven't had that - you are very empathic.

Like everyone else who is in/has been in similar circumstances - I have just got to find mental strength to continue.

Thankyou x

Am sure that you will find that strength, Where - we can see it from here!

Thankyou soooo much

Ketchup?

No ketchup, just bean juice...

Meant to add that I have spent a long time looking at midlife crisis websites too!

Firepile - I don't know if you'll find this useful...(my current favorite)

Oldest Swinger In Town

Ineresting, Where, interesting.

It's bloody frustrating, isn't it - knowing that they are behaving irrationally, and not being able to get through to them?

My big issue just now is understanding that I can't help him. I need to get on with my life, and detach from him completely. If he is going to get through this, he is going to have to do it himself. And by then it will likely be too late.