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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on online dating chat sites

613 replies

WherecanIhide · 09/12/2010 10:27

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

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Original poster
WherecanIhide · 11/01/2011 19:27

Thanks bathbuns very nice of you.

I have to admit I have been in pjs for far too long, keep the curtains closed during the day to hide from the outside world, planned suicide in minute detail, sobbed uncontrollably many times, not eaten a meal for 4 weeks and having contact with hospital mental health team and been a useless mum - not too good really.Hmm

I feel a fraud accepting your very kind message.Blush

If anger can overtake heartache then I shall cope much better!Angry

Thankyou x

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Original poster
WherecanIhide · 11/01/2011 19:30

LOL Fifi I couldn't agree more! [especially re my earlier post re swinging club and thrush]

You've given me hope re bad/good days x

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BellaMagnificat · 11/01/2011 20:54

Bumping for you......

maltesers · 11/01/2011 20:58

Sounds like he has been up to no good if he wants a trial separation....
So sorry to hear you are going through all this. . its really horrible.

Stay strong.
How are things now in January ?

BellaMagnificat · 11/01/2011 21:05

Well done where!

I am back at work tomorrow so have less time but will keep checking in.

You are doing SO SO well.

Bella
x

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 11/01/2011 21:09

Thankyou x

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TheVisitor · 11/01/2011 21:12

Fifi is one amazing lady who has been through the mill. She speaks sense. (Feefs, tis MK) Grin

FifiFucksalot · 11/01/2011 21:23

Aw... cheers Vis Grin

Firepile · 12/01/2011 00:01

Hi Where - was out all day today, but am so pleased to see your posts. Glad that your friend helped and am unsurprised that she said the right things, given the twattishness of the Twat, and the way you are starting to get to grips with things...

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 12/01/2011 10:07

Thanks - feel awful today. Supose it is going to be 'up and down' for a long time Sad

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Firepile · 12/01/2011 11:10

Yes, I am afraid you are probably right - but try and keep your eye on the the overall trend, which is up...

Can you try and make yourself do something nice today?

BellaMagnificat · 12/01/2011 18:12

Hi Where

Me again, just back from work.
What Fire said - hello Fire! Grin

You see you have a team of cheerleaders. You can do this.

We are here for you.

How was the rest of your day?

Bella M Cat.
x

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 12/01/2011 19:33

Thankyou SO much for thinking of me Firepile and Bella - much appreciated.

A bit dodgy to begin with but got more positive as the day went on (especially after phoning MIND) BUT twat came to collect DS to take him to the cinema at 6.30. I asked him to bring a couple of things from Tescos. He walked in the house all chirpy and cheerful saying "hello" to DC and I said "thankyou for getting the shopping" and he was just soooo snide and said something to the effect of "you should be doing this".

Now, yes I admit I have a car and a little bit of cash (he so kindly gave me twat)and I could go to Tescos (and it would do me good to get out of the house) but I can't help feeling so down atm and very unmotivated but it his complete lack of empathy that I find so hard. I know lots of men I've read about on here are similar and I just don't get it. How can he be so chirpy to DC one minute then vile to me, the next?

I've obviously got to pull myself together and get dressed and stop moping around etc but I just don't get his attitude. He dumped me not the other way round. Even if he emotionaly left the relationship months ago, how can not have any empathy/understanding of how i may be feeling?

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IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 12/01/2011 20:47

Glad it got a bit more positive.

It is sadly common xh behavior. From the moment the saint made his big speech and got OW I cant remember a time when my wellbeing was considered.

I think the distancing is just part of what they do unfortunately.

But at least it shows them for the twunts they are and after a while you do start to think theyre just not worth it.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 12/01/2011 21:42

Hi IYHAYKI Smile

You'd imagine there'd be some affection for old times sake...

You read about divorced men who go round and do DIY jobs for their ex wives and remain friendly etc.

I supose if they were very nice, we'd be hankering after them more.

I'm angry now, actually Angry Angry Angry

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IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 12/01/2011 21:49

Not surprising that you're angry Where, these guys are very selfish

I have had diy done by him although I've always felt that that was because he thought that would help him get a bigger share of the house when sold. He doesn't give any money you see so thats all hes ever done. But having said that hes left the area now mostly so I need to find a handy man.

Firepile · 13/01/2011 10:27

Hi Where,

I am told that getting mad is an important thing -(still mostly struggling with that myself) - so glad that you have located yours.

Can relate to IYHAYKI - the more twattish the behaviour, the easier it is to consider that maybe they are not worth it after all. The real headfuck comes when they decide to be nice in the midst of it all.

How are you feeling today?

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 13/01/2011 11:02

Thankyou for your messages.

I think if he was being lovely, like he used to be, I would be pining for him and missing what we had. Experiencing this side of him (that I'd never imagined he was capable of) is shocking and I know he will be all charm (smarm) to everyone else (esp twenty-somethings). I understand he detached from me probably months ago, but why do they feel the need to be nasty? What pleasure do they get from it? I'm wondering if it is because he resents doing the stuff (food shopping for family) he thought he'd escaped from and feels resentful and angry (and takes it out on me). he is cheerful towards the DC then in the next breadth vile to me. I can't imagine he'll turn nice in the midst of it.

Maybe I'm trying too hard to understand something (so I can come to terms with it) that is unexplainable.

Feeling confused and down-in-the-dumps-today, thanks for asking. Wishing the Prozac will begin to work because I hate feeling like this (don't we all?)

Thankyou very much for your messages.

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Firepile · 13/01/2011 11:16

Can totally relate to being desparate to understand the inexplicable. (This might explain my preoccupation with the OW).

In my case, I think the nastiness is because I remind him that he is behaving like a shit, and that makes him feel bad. I might be attaching too much importance to myself there, though.

I hope that the ADs start to kick in soon. Try and cling onto the fact that things won't always feel like this.

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 13/01/2011 11:29

Thanks Smile

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Firepile · 13/01/2011 17:48

Hi Where - how has your day panned out?

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 13/01/2011 18:14

Hi Firepile, thanks for asking...how are you?

I'm ashamed to admit I'm still moping around in pjs - can't see any reason to do anything

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gettingeasier · 13/01/2011 18:24

Hello where Smile

Any chance of stopping feeling bad about not doing the shopping/being in pjs etc. It is a case of just surviving as best you can until your mind and body are ready to move to the next stage this all normal stuff Where and truly will improve in time.

What an arse your H sounds, really quite unpleasant. Like Happy says though once they have left emotionally they can be quite cold. Mine lasted a while still being thoughtful and trying at some level to be sensitive and tbh in its own way thats worse.

How long did they say before your ads kick in ?

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 13/01/2011 18:51

Hi where, sorry have been a bit tied up with work so haven't checked in.

Yes get angry - but remain detached from him and cool and try not to rise to his rudeness.

Of course he is angry with you - you are a living breathing reminder of the shit bag that he is. If you were happy and chirpy around him he'd feel he was off the hook and that he did the right thing by leaving.

You are a relflection of his guilt and bad behaviour.

If the comments are snide then just have a reply ready, " how rude, they are your children too..." and telling you to look at yourself, that made me mad, I would retort that for an old man he has quite a childish attitude.

Then when the dust settles and you can carry out a calm conversation and if you cannot stop him from bragging about his new found freedom or reinvented age Hmm (ffs) then pull the rug out from under his feet by reminding him in little ways of his impending age, hairy ears, saggy butt cheeks, receding hairline, long earlobes etc...

Conversation scenario: there is a twenty year old girl I've met who is so into me.....

You: awwww it must be quite nice to meet someone who can overlook your pot belly/ nose hair/bald patch - as a younger woman I actually found them quite repulsive, but they do say love is blind eh?

You can do this! Now how are the pratical things going regular money in an account from him and a solicitor??

Original poster
WherecanIhide · 13/01/2011 19:51

Thanks for your messages.

gettingeasier 4-6 weeks for Prozac to work and been on it for 2 weeks. Mindyou, depends who I talk to... Wish they would begin to work.

Bin My friend said I should be chirpy around him to show him I don't care but I agree with you - that would let him off the hook and make things easier for him - so I am not going to pretend. Why would I want to help him?

There are several things I can remind him about himself next time he is insensitive Smile. Reminding him I'm still in my thirties (just!) is a good start. He really believes he is 44 (not 51) so that should wind him up. It occured to me he will look even older next to a fresh faced 20 year old - not that the deluded fool will think about that.

Strangely he phoned up this afternoon asking how I am feeling and if I need anything doing in the house? I'd love to think he was having regrets already but I'm not that deluded. Maybe it was a momentary twinge of guilt? Doubt it. I told him how contradictory he was being and he moaned he was feeling ill on Sunday and stressed yesterday. So that's ok then Twat.

Not getting regular money into account - yet. Not pushed it because I've not been out to get shopping etc BUT will not let this lie, he'll have to start doing it. Very fustrating re sol. Got an appointment in February for one and waiting for a call back from another (don't see why I should hang around for them to call me for my business). Waiting for a bennefits form to arrive in the post - for employment support/sickness bennefit. Getting a sol is complicated because of being entitled to LegalAid - less choice and they need proof of entitlement.

Thankyou for your messages x

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