Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Hi Bella,

You are quite right re pigs.

Also wasting my limited emotional energy hoping for some kind of remorse from him.

I have no problem being as ruthless as possible re finances for my Dc and myself. He has shot himself in the foot by spending huge sums of family money on some gold digger so I'm fairly optimistic (sp?). I'm going to contact a solicitor again tomorrow - not suprisingly they are very busy this time of year.

Maybe a new thread would be a good idea. I just haven't reached Tea and Solost's more positive stage yet so will have to think of a non-too-negative title...

Thankyou for your support x

GOD he is being FOUL

Just bought the children home and his attitude is 'I'm doing everything while you choose to just sit there and do nothing'

I say to him "you're the one who left the family"

He says "take a look at yourself"

AAGGHHHHH I feel like beating the shit out of him - the arrogant wanker!

How do you deal with this kind of thing?????

Hi where, have been away but thinking of you this weekend. Am glad you are getting some fight back.

I remember XH telling me, "we're separated now, you need to move on" as he swanned off for a romantic weekend in New York with OW just weeks after he'd finally admitted an affair. He then told me I needed to "pull my finger out, and get back to work, I wasn't going to ride on the back of him." I remember sobbing until I ached.

It was horribly cruel, but 18 months on, I can understand that the sort of man who would be so callous, is not worth wasting tears on. Your H sounds similar. You need to stop trying to understand him, and accept that he isn't the man you thought he was.

That can't happen straightaway while things are so raw, so maybe your best strategy is to avoid any conversations which don't relate to immediate practicalities or your dc's. Don't get drawn into anything else, it can only upset you at the moment.

And, if it helps, your reaction - to be totally devastated at the end of a long marriage, is entirely healthy and normal - his isn't.

Hi Where!

Glad to hear that you are sounding sorted on the legal / financial front - but so sorry you are having to go through all of this.

He really is an arse - how dare he say those things to you. I don't have a solution for how to cope when they say cruel and hurtful things - my H still does this, and it floors me every time...

The only solution is not to enter into any dialogue except discussing practicalities.

If he starts just say"Can I stop you there? No I don't have anything to say, I just want to stop you there...."

Or if you were particularly wicked, offer him a tea with 15 sugars.

Hi Where

Sadly this is typical XH behaviour and I have sadly become part of what is known as the drama triangle (trying googling it) on many occasions. I.e XH walks in asks a question, I answer and before we know it he starts on the persecution and I end up a scared victim wondering what to do. If you look it up you'll see that you have to find a way not to play the game and to move on from it. Easier said than done though and IME it does take some time for you to work out how to get to a better place and find a way to either avoid the XH or interact differently.

Counselling will definitely help you find a way to deal with this and....it will get better, believe me.

Thankyou so much for your continuing supportive messages - I really appreciate them.

snowpoint it is so horribly cruel isn't it? How can they be so insensitive? I don't understand how these men can be so callous. Thanks for reasuring me I am being normal with my upset and his behaviour/attitude after 21 years most definately isn't. Definately not worth talking to him unless it's about the DC.

Firepile I supose we need to grow a very thick skin to deal with these boy 'men'.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 Loving the tea with 15 sugars

IfYourHappyAndYouKnowIT I will google the drama triangle in a minute. Definately don't want to be a victim to his appalling attitude. Hopefully counselling will happen eventually (awaiting NHS counselling). I can't wait until it all gets better!

Thankyou for your messages

Hey where, how are you today?

Are you starting a new thread today with a positive message?

I was looking out for a "Moving on from the oldest swinger ...." type thread!

Hope you're ok x

Hi Where - also wondering how you are feeling today. Any clarity on the legal stuff at least?

Hi Bin and Firepile - thankyou SO much for asking how I am - I really appreciate it.

My friend came round this morning and cheered me up - helped me see sense like you do.

I'm waiting for the solicitor to get back to me but wondering if I should go else where. I found a large prestigious looking solicitors so maybe naively assumed they would be good. I've no experience with this sort of thing so faffing at a time when I should be decisive. (Sorry my spelling is awful)

Great title for new positive thread - I will use it and quote your name, Bin, for copyright purposes . Not sure I'm quite ready for moving on thread as it hasn't even been a month yet - but the last couple of days have been better so maybe this is the start..!

Thanks again

Hi Where

So glad things are moving along! Awesome!

Bella

There's no harm in looking at more than one solicitor Where. I have become an expert in such matters!

On a serious note, I wasn't totally sure about the first solicitor that I saw and then saw another just to get a second opinion as my situation is a but messy. The second one (female) is brill, not unpleasant but I know that XH will find her difficult. And that's no bad thing.

So, if you've not felt a connection with your solicitor I would definitely look around and perhaps at least talk with two or three more on the phone to assess chemistry.

Hi Where I just wanted to say hello really and how sorry I am that far from being gentle and trying to give you some space to grieve your h seems to think it should be business as usual. As was said earlier you are the one with the normal reactions and yes isnt it awful when they emotionally leave the building and you are left playing catch up.

I am glad you saw a friend today getting a little support makes such a difference. I know its hard but do you feel up to initiating contact with the friends you mentioned ages ago as having not been there for you ? I know its hard but I am willing to bet anything if they knew how much they were needed they would rise to the occasion.

I was a recluse and an emotional zombie for weeks and weeks when my bombshell dropped so you are doing just fine where.

Thankyou for your messages

Bella Thanks - I hope it lasts

IfYourHappyAndYouKnowIt I think you are right. We are giving them business after all (legal aid - they still get paid!). I wonder if a female solicitor would be best/most sympathetic but it may depend on the individual sol. I totally agree/understand it has to be someone we can get well with etc. We need to have faith in our solicitor, don't we? I will 'shop around' a bit. This is far too important to get wrong!

gettingeasier Thanks - I can not understand his attitude. You are right - I am playing catch up. I'd like to speak to a psychologist to gain a full understanding of it. He isn't worth thinking about but it would help me move on. Saying "I'm doing everything while you just lie there" and "stop indulging" "Yes I left you - move on" When I reminded him he was the one who left his family he said: "You should take a look at yourself!" I'll remind myself of these comments when I'm feeling like I want him back. Like you did, I am turning into a recluse but swallowing my pride and accepting support was such a relief and my friend said all the right things - like everyone on mn does

Twat phoned earlier and I was very indifferent to the point of bluntness (not properly rude though) and if felt great and a strange sense of 'freedom'.

I hope this positivity lasts - I am enjoying it

Thankyou very much for your support x

Sounds good Where

If you're anything like me although things can be awful at times you will also develop a sense of empowerment and achievement as you start to do things that you never thought possible before.

I used to be very (sillyily) dependent upon my XH as I lost all self esteem within my marriage so, rather ridiculously, when I do something now like put out the bins I think "how great am I". Just need to sort out how to fix the freaking internet when it breaks now!

Have got to the stage now where I think actually the only thing I miss is his ability to do a few handyman jobs and actually it's not worth having a H just for that

Thanks - just after I wrote the above I got an email from him (re DC) and my stomach was churning and it feels like a bit of a set back. It'll take time...

I am exactly the same as you re dependance on h. I hope to feel that sense of empowerment and achievement you mention. I want to be strong independant woman

Twat was useless at DIY but I know what you mean about sorting out the internet

you will feel it Where, one step at a time and all that .... this week the bins, next week the internet ....

How about "newly independent woman moves on from oldest swinger in town". OOO, go on...

totally agree forget rampant rabbits what about inventing a rampant/blow up handy man ?

Seriously Where trust us you will reach this position but sadly it takes time...

Hey Where!

You are doing so, so well! After everything that has happened I think you are right to make sure you can TRUST the sol you engage. In fact anyone who you get to advise and support. Just don't do what I did and let this become a reason for doing nothing. Actuallly, I don' think you will. Just sayin'

I sense a new steeliness of resolve in your last few messages.

Massive progress, Where.

Keep on.

I like if you're happy's suggestion. Really like it

AAGGHHHHH I feel like beating the shit out of him - the arrogant wanker!

How do you deal with this kind of thing?????

I call him Thrush :)

Thankyou Bella and Fifi

Hopefully anger will take over from heartache. Just don't want to appear so over him cos I'm having an ok-ish day. I'm almost scared to begin a new positive thread incase I feel really awful again; don't want to 'speak' too soon/jinx it . It is a very good idea though.

Fifi thanks for being angry on my behalf. Do you call him 'thrush' because twat is an annoyance that is hard to get rid of?

Just wanted to add my support, Where.

You are doing fantastically well. You've been together 21 years and yet you're coping like this? I'm in awe.

More because I find him to be a particularly irritating cunt that will always be there lurking, ready to cause discomfort at the most inconvenient times

Stay strong, good days and bad days are only to be expected. I still have really bad days 9 months on, but they are far fewer and I get over them much faster :)