Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Morning Bella!

Bumping for OP.

Hello, thanks for your messages.

Emailed twat to tell him he has to come round and do washing etc and he his downstairs now. I should be grateful he is doing something right but feel so stressed he is in the house. It feels like he still lives here but then he'll go away to his bachelor flat.

I still have the deep pain/discomfort in my chest and feel agitated and don't know what to do with myself yet don't have the will to do anything constructive. I hate feeling like this and it seems never ending. Wish it was just normal low mood which I can cope with.

Dear Where

I recall that feeling very well. This may sound so simple it's patronising, but deep breathing really does help.

Deep slow breaths with your feet planted firmly on the floor.

I'm just going to send you a private message now so watch your inbox - k? :)

Thanks x

Hi Where,

Washing is the least he should be doing... Can't begin to imagine how stressful it must be to have him in the house, btw.

Is Bella's breathing tip helping?

Are you managing to eat? I am the worst at this, but low blood sugar makes everything feel overwhelming...

trying the deep breathing.

Haven't eaten much since Christmas - no appetite. I know what you mean about low blood sugar levels but if I manage something small it doesn't seem to make any difference.
I'm quite enjoying losing some weight tbh and my face already looks a bit thinner. Not a healthy attitude and one which I;m hiding from DD.

I think I've got candida - dodgy digestive system since strangely getting thrush (sorry tmi) when he persuaded me to go to a swingers club back in September. He was totally obsessed with going so 'for a laugh' I agreed and in a desperate out of character attempt to please him I participated in something I'm too ashamed to admit to (in detail). He didn't seem to enjoy it there much after all - all too old for him, no young totty. Can't believe I was so stupid to go there. Now I realise it was part of plan to 'make the marriage work' only he forgot to tell me that...

Oh Where - how awful. Didn't want to leave this with no response, but have to go out just now... Terrible timing, I know.

Keep doing the deep breathing.

You must eat! Fire is right. Try eating small snacks and try to have protein with each ( I count peanut butter as protein!) This will stabilise your blood sugar which will help to keep you calm. And yes, there is DD to think of in this respect also.

I'd get the infection checked out, just to be on the safe side.

I am so very very at what you have been put through.

Now is the time to take your power back.

keep going to the GUM clinic - can't get rid of it! Meant to go back for another blood ters to see if I have low iron levels so I've been taking iron supplement (when I remember).

Hi where, sorry i haven't checked in for a few days sweetie have been away with work.

Right, don't mean to be blunt, but the more you tell us about this spunk trumpet the more convinced I am that you should not be with him.

Coerced you into a swingers club, honestly, and of course he didn't enjoy it - because all the men there were probably a too honest reflection of what he looks like in reality. And of course, the attention was on you, the attractive younger lady, and of course he didn't like that.

And you poor thing, left with an infection. Have you had the blood trust etc, to make sure they get to the bottom of it?

Without eating you are prone to infection, and also depression. I went on a 500 calories a day diet and my depression came back within a week. Very important to plan in some regular snacks through out the day. What do you really like eating, now is the time to just eat what you can....

Are you seeking help? Have you called the numbers? If the ADs aren't working you may need a different type, some work for some, not others.

If he is coming around and you can't stand hearing him, can you and DS take the dogs out for a nice walk and a chat? It will be dark and while walking you may be able to have a good talk? Put on some headphones, and relax on the bed with a book? Or post on the chat, or other more frivolous topics? Have you someone you can call? ( I Am iin Switzerland unfortunately, so that might cost a bit too much. )

Am thinking about you too, and as one other poster said, am falling a bit in awe with you at your strength at paddling through this sea of shite.

Take care where x

Oh thankyou Bin.

I'm afraid I'm hiding in bed still in pjs (virtually stuck on me now)

He's taken the dc out for a meal and the cinema. DS suddenly got all upset on the way home and there was apparently a discussion about DD doing more around the house to help out. He is only saying that so he doesn't have to come 'round and do jobs.

The only reason he is here is I've been in too much of a state to even function properly so DD's Care Co-ordinator phoned him and told him to help otherwise she'd contact social services for some support for me.

When I've pulled myself together and am able to take the dogs out with DS, then he won't be needed anyway. Argh! Such a mess!

Thanks for your support.

(I find it particularly comforting when kind posters tell me I shouldn't be with him anyway).

Hi Where

All day bed and PJs are fine. :)

Have you been following Solost's thread about moving on after h left with OW?

There's some good stuff on there...

Oh - and no - of course you shouldn't be with the Twat. Sounds like the care Co-ordinator has a good grasp of the situation. Persoanlly I think some SS help instead of the ghastly Twat might be better, tbh. Though I know you want him to show at least a shred of responsibility.... but tbh he can do that when it comes to the legal stuff, and money.

Back! YYY to all Bin and Bella's points. Particularly that you would be better off with ss than Twat helping out, though.

Am happy to add to chorus of voices that you really shouldn't be with him - everything you have said makes it cleat that he is a complete arse. And a coercive one at that.

Are you actually feeling any better? I know that we keep going on at you about the numbers - but there is a reason for that...

We have all had a pj day here, and there is nothing wrong with you feeling like that - everyone does. ADs at the beginning make some people sleepy, in a good way, they may not have slept well for weeks months years, and the body is rebalancing a bit. Dreamless thoughtless sleep for a bit is a repair mechanism I reckon.

I have to say though where, you only start to feel normal when you start doing normal things. When I did my CBT counselling I was encouraged to write a list of 5 things I wanted to achieve that day - washing hair, cleaning teeth, posting letters etc.

Very mundane but it is small steps. You are also in the family home aren't you? That isn't helping, even if you have a quick once round the block, ( throw your coat and wells on over pjs ) get some air.

Little things all add up...have you arranged to meet with any friends yet? Did the 3 of you used to do any activities together?

Hi again,

Still in the family home - and going to try to remain in it for as long as posssible. Hopefully taking over mortgage as part of the divorce. I think it is important for dc stability - even though a move may bring a feeling of a fresh start.

Twat left about an hour ago - after having a verbal slanging match with DD over her eating (lack of). I think he was getting fustrated with her because she wasn't eating enough. I think he is being very defensive because he may deep down acknowledge his part in her anorexia. There was no need for him to shout at her. When he finally buggered off, the 3 of us had a good chat. He doesn't get that he can't just walk out without explanation and not expect any comeback from the children. I've done my best to explain his behaviour to them and it is not their fault etc etc. he hasn't even got the balls to explain himself to his DC.

Sorry Bin, meant to say 'thanks' for your message - I know you are right and I can't hide under the duvet forever

Wow, way to go on parenting skills dad, I'm sure shouting at her is exactly the right thing to do....

She's bound to eat more now Sorry you have to pick up all the mess of the trail he leaves behind when you aren't feeling strong.

Sounds like you had a good chat though where, and your DC will always respect you, even though you may feel like you have the dirty end of the stick, it will be the person supporting and setting boundaries and being the backbone of the family that they will cherish. You will find some fun, and you will smile through a day again.

If he can't act like a responsible father then he shouldn't be co-parenting. He can keep it to weekend treats and trips and fun. Less like a man- child and more like a grandfather.

He's old enough to know how that works.

Hi Where,

How are you doing today? :)

Bella

Hi Bella, thankyou for asking.

Still wingeing (sp?) - he came 'round this morning and got fustrated with me. He was saying: "yes I've left you - you've got to move on". He also told me to "stop indulging". I'm embarrassed to admit I was crying and saying; "You gave me no warning" he said he gave me 6 months warning. Which translates as he was unhappy for 6 months but didn't have the balls to tell me. He then took DS to Tescos to get some food for 'the children' [not me]. When he came back he said he couldn't stand it here so he took the DC to his bachelor pad saying "you'll have to look after them this evening".

He is pissed off because he thought he'd escaped and could live the life as a single man but has had to come back 'home' and be responsible rather than have DC for a token couple of hours at the weekend.

He has transformed himself into such a pig.

I'm a little ashamed to say I looked on a diabetic website and saw his life expectancy (type 1 diabetes) could be reduced as much as 20 years. If it wasn't for the DC I'd be finding that rather satisfying under the circumstances. [I'm normaly that wicked]

Freudian slip: I'm NOT normally that wicked.

It's a case of mentally finding comfort where ever I can atm - even though it isn't very nice.

Good to see you being a bit wicked wherecanlhide, that is encouraging. you can do this -you know you can do this and your DH's behaviour shows that you must do this. You will be the main support of your DD, Twat face will flit in and out as he pleases, and l think will withdraw more and more from you all to live his single life.
Yes you are allowed to wallow and have PJ days, but his continued twatish behaviour will allow you to heal bit by bit.
you have many years ahead of you to make a new life for yourself with or withour a new DP as you see fit but give yourself time to grieve for your life that you thought you had before you make any decisions.
He as you wickedly put it does not have so many years ahead and is chasing a lifestyle that is probably out of his reach at his age (unless another young girl comes after him for his money and nowt else)
Please try to get your finances sorted before he fritters your joint money away.
You ARE doing well although you may not think so--it's still early days

Thanks Doha for your message and encouragement

I'm predicting a heart attack (justified - he's broken his Dc and my hearts)

I can't believe I wrote that

Heart attack, stroke, kidney failure impotence, blindness and leg amputations just a few of the potential side effects of UNCONTROLLED type 1 diabetes.

Sounds as if he could be heading for any one of these.

Chin up l will be a bit wicked with you today

Good for you, Where.

Though I recall reading that pigs are very loving and intelligent creatures. I think what Twat has done is beyond any cruelty any animal would inflict on its own kind.

You want revenge and that is nothing to be ashamed of at all. But alongside that it's almost you want some sign from him that he is sorry. This is a waste of precious emotional energy.

The best revenge you can possibly have now is to be utterly ruthless - as he has been with you. No more Mrs Nice. Be clinical. Gather the support from the various sources you've identified, and above all, get urgent legal advice.

Then put in place real life support to help with coming up and enforcing an arrangement where Twat is in your life and in your home as little as possible, but is still made to be responsible financially.

Perhaps one more thing you need to do is to set up a new thread with a title that more accurately reflects where you're at now as things have gone way beyond the internet porn revelations now.

Just a thought.

So easy to type out. So very hard to do. But there are many women on these threads who have come through similar things and are out the other side.

It is possible to come through this and be happy again.

Take good care