Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

An emotional affair, regardless of the physical aspect, is still a betrayal of sorts. I feel for you, and somehow think you deserve better. :(

I've just read your thread from start to finish. How brave you are, even if you aren't feeling it right now. I've been in a not dissimilar situation to you. The first few weeks and months were hellish, I didn't know what to do with myself. The first weekend I didn't have my dc's, I actually ended up in hospital. I had never felt emptiness and loneliness like it.

8 months later I was sitting on a plane with lovely new DP, heading to Paris for the wekeend. Now I love my weekends, both with and without the dc's. Life takes funny turns sometimes but you need to ride all of this out to get to the brighter times ahead. It's like a gried cycle, and you need to experience the stages to come out the other side.

There is no shame in needing some help to cope. Go and see your GP - take any meds or counselling they recommend. Counselling was brilliant for me, really helped me get my head round the situation. If you approach anything with the best interests of your dc's in mind, you won't go too far wrong ime. That includes protecting your financial interests so you can support them.

I think mathanxiety's advice in particular has been brilliant on this thread. No matter how little you feel like doing it, get the legal and financial side sorted asap. You will bitterly regret it later if you don't. You owe this man nothing. You are not responsible for him in any way. Focus on yourself now - it's about you, your dc's and your future. What he does in his sordid little world is no longer of any consequence to you. One day, I promise you will no longer care, but it takes time for the rawness to subside.

Thinking of you, and hoping you have the happiest birthday possible. You will come through this.

Thanks

Are you ok? Hang in there, and keep posting if it helps.

Hi Where - Thanks for updating us. Sorry it has taken so long to respond - I have been offline today.

So sorry I can't wish you a "happy" birthday - this will have to be the grimmest one of your life. But I do want to wish you a happy birthday for next year - as snowpoint's story shows, so much can change in a matter of months.

I am a bit concerned to hear that you are still feeling so down and suicidal, but that you don't expect to hear from hospital mental health team until next week. Is there a crisis team available that can see you sooner? It is not surprising that you are sad - this kind of thing throws anyobody who experiences it - but you seem to have been feeling this way for a while without much support from anyone. That's really tough.

Looking at what you wrote about your dc - and "not being any use to them atm... " I really doubt that that is true - they will have been shocked by what has happened too - and that really is the time when they will need their mum, and value your love. It will be hard for you to see that just now, but I hope that you will be able to recognise - at least at the "brain" level - that your dc have a very different view.

When I was a child, my mum tried to kill herself after discovering my dad's affair. It has taken over 25 years to be able to unravel the impact that the whole thing had on me. I carried the hurt that I wasn't good enough for my mum to want to stay alive for for years and years. I know that she was devastated about the affair, but I really needed to know that she loved and cared about me too.

You can get to the other side of this - I wish I could help you get there quicker. But please make sure that you get the support you need. You deserve it. And so do your children. They love you, and they need you.

Take good care, and keep posting.

Thankyou Firepile. Sorry about your mum trying to kill herself. I keep telling my dc how much I love them yet lose sight of the impact my planned actions will have.

DD's Care Co-ordinator phoned twat to tell him he needs to come and look after dc otherwise social services will need to be contacted. He said there was no question about him coming round later and giving them their tea - says he'll be here at 6. He did ask me on the phone if that was what I really needed.

The hospital did give me 2 numbers but it is hard to phone anyone when feeling so upset/dispairing.

I really appreciate the support - it really is a 'life-line'

Hi Where, that'll be the depression for you - I am so sorry that you feel so isolated. Is it easier to think about contacting services for your children, rather than for you?

Where - when you say "planned actions" - do you mean that you have planned to kill yourself?

Hi Where, I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. Please ring the numbers you have been given, they will be able to help you. You need to speak to someone now.

Your DC love you very much, but because they are children they can not cope with your feelings. They need you and love you, even though I'm sure at the moment you think "twat" is better placed to look after them, but he isn't, he has hurt all of you. You have put them first, you stayed at home to raise them, you gave your time freely to look after them and always be there for them. Do you want twat to take them away? No, I'm sure you don't, you probably feel that he has taken away your entire life and the dreams you had for your future. I understand, but don't let him have your children.

Please get yourself some help, don't reach out to twat to help you, he doesn't deserve you and he may just keep on hurting you.

Could social services put in some short term help with day to day tasks/family aid maybe, anything where you will have someone to talk to, to support you at home so that the children can also be with you. Could the mental health team provide some counselling plus some day to day support. Have you seen the GP and have they prescribed ADs.

Please let us know how you are and will be thinking of you.

I'm in bed and twat is downstairs with DD. DD's Care Co ordinator phoned him today and explained he needs to come and do stuff to help out with the dc because I can't cope with anything. I think it is better for dc to have him there than a stranger? I can hear him talking and laughing with dd (ds in his bedroom). I don't supose he'll do any tidying up or anything. The dogs desperately need a walk but he won't bother to do that. Luckily he hasn't come up to see me and I can't face going down stairs. Pathetic maybe...at least dd has his company and a communicative parent.

Where. I think that nogreatexpectations is right and you need to speak to someone. Can you phone the numbers now?

Is DD's care coordinator doing anything about getting you some help?

Yeah - that's why he's downstairs now laughing/chatting away to dd like he hasn't a care in the world. She (care co ordinator) told him he needs to help. He'll bugger off to his bachelor flat in a bit I expect.

Don't know if the mental health team will be able to offer help if he visits.

I guess I was asking from the pov of your own depression. Is she recommending anyone for you to speak to?

Good to see your still here...

Dear Where

I've read this thread from start to finish and I am speechless at Twat, and also in awe of your courage - even though you may not feel it, you have been very brave. You are also clearly highly intelligent, warm and funny. What a prick he has been. The ladies on here are right to say don't waste an ounce extra of energy on him from now on. You need all of that for you and the children.

My great concern at the moment is your own state of mind. Please ring the numbers you have been given. I have been in a very very similar place myself. I'm familiar with the intense loneliness and the cold and distant parents and no family support at times of monumental crisis. But, please believe ,me -it will get better. It will.

You CAN do this, and you WILL. So, you need to grasp all the RL support you can, even though some of it may be less than ideal. ( I too have had mixed experiences for example with the Samaritans.) But do ring the crisis numbers, please. At least it is something. Then you absolutely must look at setting up some therapeutic support for yourself. This is your number 1 priority right now.

Some a/ds have the effect of worsening your condition before things get better. But if you are feeling agitaited and suicidal as well as depressed you MUST seek urgent medical advice. Please.

You have suffered a series of devastating shocks which would leave any woman reeling and lost. Arsehole OSWIT has managed to comprehensively attack every aspect of your security, emotional and practical - but, you will get through this.

I had two mantras that appealed to me when going through a major trauma 'This is big, but I am bigger.' and also a saying of Churchill's' " When your're going through hell, keep going."

Take very good care.
x

Firepile Maybe the mental health team will help. I've also got a telephone assesment in a couple of weeks re counselling from the GP referral. Feels ages away.

Bella I'm amazed you read the whole thread and I'm sorry you've felt the same way. I like your mantras.

Thankyou for your support x

(ps just because I've made plans, it doesn't mean I'm going to act upon them)

AAAGGGHHHH why is he downstairs laughing?! Doing my head in!

Snowpoint Sorry, also meant to say 'thankyou' to you for reading the whole post x

OOps my msg just disappeared.

Snow - you and I write and read as one!
Where - a fortnight is way too long if you're in crisis. Get onto the mental health team if you poss can. I went for private therapy in the end - didn't think I could afford it, was greatly sceptical but it saved my life.
In the meantime can you put the radio on or telly or something to distarct you from the twat downstairs?

Take care now

Bella

Absolutely agree with Bella. On everything, especially a fortnight being too long.

You can do this!

I had two mantras that appealed to me when going through a major trauma 'This is big, but I am bigger.' and also a saying of Churchill's' " When your're going through hell, keep going."

Absolutely love these slogans. If it helps where write them down on pieces of paper and stick them up where you can see them. Even do two or three of each one. Pen and paper are cheap and seeing these words will help you pull thru this nasty time you are having.

Take Care where, and in case someone hasnt told you today that they love you, then I will, I LOVE YOU where, I have been where you are and I've come thru the other end. It does happen ............ though not overnight.

Hello again, Where....

Went to bed but couldn't settle for thinking about you and your situation. Hope that doesn't sound too creepy. So came back downstairs to check your thread.

And, erm, since I was up, I got myself a lovely unhealthy bacon buttie, with white bread. nom nom nom....

I hope you have a restful night dear W. I'll check back again in the morning.

There are people here who really and genuinely care. You are not truly alone, though it may feel that way.

And -this is big, but you are most certainly bigger. Don't forget that.

You take good care now

Bella
x

No where you arent alone hang in there sweetie hes just a clown Whoever said about her Mum considering suicide... listen. Hes is just a silly middle aged man not an icon you will see this in time you're alright Where

Hi Where just caught up on your thread.

At this stage my love just call out for any help you need by calling helplines or calling gp and keep posting.

As everyone says it feels awful now but it WILL get better. Just do whatever you need to to get through it now.

Your kids love you and need you to take just one step at a time. You will always be there for them I know and believe me one day you will look back on this time, see that it was awful but also see how far you have come.

Urgh now time to sleep xxx

How are you feeling today, Where?

Morning Where - how are you?
Morning Fire
:)