Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Fine thanks - too old to drink as I can't face the hangovers with a 5 year old.

Did you do anything last night?

Were the dc's at yours? Any plans for today?

My dd is in bed. Ds is being picked up by twat at 1 to go to his flat and paint some soldiers (don't ask - at least it is an interest).

Stayed up with dc and watched telly. Didn't drink either.

Will have to try and think of something to do with dd for later.

I hate to say this, but looking forward to them returning to school because it is sooooo stressful trying to be there for them BUT also dreading them not being around for much of the day. I'm wondering if the routine etc of school will be good for them and give them something else to think about.

Also, everything will get back to normal so I can have another go at looking for a solicitor.

Thanks for asking how things are.

How are things going with you and your children now WCIH? I hope you are finding plenty of things to do with them. Dont wish their lives away ......... they grow up so quickly as it is.

Hi

Things are awful, feel suicidal.

Children seem ok - seeing him most days.

I feel I'm heading for nervous breakdown or something. The situation is overwhelming and I don't have anywhere near enough support - so isolated and alone.

Just been on the phone to him and he's telling me how much better/relaxed he feels being on his own in his flat away from all the stress of us/home. It is definately midlife crisis but sooooooo selfish.

I just can't imagine I'm ever going to come to terms with it all. Can't bear to think about what he's done to the children.

Where - we are all here for you. I have been through this too and heard the ex telling me how relieved he is etc etc. I'm glad your kids seem fine - that's a positive. Please keep posting. Remember - you have to go through this to get over it but THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I promise. You are in the early stages. It feels overwhelming because it's all come so quickly, during a very bad time (Christmas) and there's been one revelation after another. You are bound to be reeling. But you must keep going. I think about you every day love. People are thinking about you and wanting you to get through what this awful man has done to you. Remember, the situation is making you feel like this but don't let him make you feel any worse. Keep trying to detach every day, little by little. Much love x

You can do this, Where.

I am so sorry that your friends haven't been there for you. I second Gettingeasier's advice to tell them what you need - I didn't give people the opportunity to opt out, but shamelessly phoned them, invited myself round etc, etc. I figured that anything was better than the crushing empty loneliness I was feeling. I really don't know how I would have coped on my own.

I think that you are doing brilliantly well in the circumstances. Despite the combination of a horrendous situation, the time of year and the sudden shift in your life you are getting on with it, you are making plans, you are prioritising your children. They are lucky to have you. You will get to the other side of this.

Take care. Thinking of you.

Hi Where, been out and just seen your post now.

Hope you are feeling a little better now, let us know won't you?

I know it's bloody hard and am not suprised that you feel overwhelmed. Agree with the idea of telling your friends what you want and need. I've lost count of the number of times that I've made crisis calls to people over the last few years - doesn't happen now (except for DS issues) but it's fine to do that. I've always found that talking / venting / writing really helps. I know it's different for us all though.

Can you make plans for this evening and tomorrow? Can you think of just something / anything you can do that you would enjoy or that would help you to make a step forward?

In any case, please post and rant on here it does help.

Hi, thankyou for your lovely encouraging posts - they mean SO much.

I've calmed down a bit now. I get frightened about the intensity of suicidal feelings and feelings of being alone, yet now I feel ok and positive. Strange how different we can feel in the space of a few hours.

I left a message with Relate asking for support (they offer seperation/divorce support - too late for saving the marriage)and will contact MIND again.

Got dd's psychiatric appointment tomorrow to be weighed. Twat is going (dd will like that, I'm dreading the whole thing)but still insists "she was ill anyway" so I'm going to ask the psychiatrist again on her opinions about dd's (probable)anorexia and see what she says.

I really am trying to count my blessings, just a matter of letting my heart catch up with my brain (I think someone else said something similar). At least he's admitted it's a midlife crisis and says he doesn't regret the past 21 years with me (big of him)but can't use that memory to live the next 10 years when he's been so unhappy over the last few months. (He has diabetes but I imagine he has more than 10 years ahead - at least I won't have to look after him if he becomes ill!). He says the stress of dd's illness has really contributed to it all and his need to escape - still so selfish. He ssays he is enjoying the peace and quiet of his flat - nice of him to tell me that.

It means so much when you say you are thinking of me. I would be more proactive in asking friends for help - if there were friends to ask! It's low self esteem which has prevented me from taking up (missed) opportunities with people in the past. You live and learn!

Many thanks for your interest and posts xxxxx

Good luck with the appointment tomorrow where, I hope it brings some realisation too him.

I think if I were you I would stop having conversations about how he is doing and distance yourself from his life - it'll only add to the frustration. Does he ask how you are coping? Is he at all concerned or regretful about putting you all through this?

The kids are old enough to feed back if they aren't happy with the time they spend at his.

You have the opportunity for peace and you time too now - so you need to make a plan for this, how are you going to spend your you time? Don't feel guilty about enjoying yourself and relieving some of that stress!

Bin - he says his only regrets are spending all that money and involving dd (in that order). No acknowledgement of what he's putting us through. I'm obviously depressed but he doesn't care.

DD has been referred to anorexic unit at CAMHS. He was at the meeting all cheerful and pretending to be a perfect father saying thing like "I'll make sure DD eats when she's with me" etc. That means he'll take her out for meals while I'm the one doing all the mundane cooking when I haven't the energy to walk into the kitchen.

I am making plans for the future (teacher training, hopefully) Can't think of anything to do which I would enjoy though.

'The last thing I want to do is defend twat, but he hasn't been telling dd about is sexual exploits (asked dd)so I don't think she is in danger in that way. If he keeps his promise to keep seperate his perving from dc, then I think dc will be fine with him because he is keen to keep contact with them etc etc. I don't think I have grounds to stop dc from seeing him because they need a father (got no other relatives) and he takes them out etc.

I don't want to make excuses for him but dc love him and weighing everything up, it wouldn't make sense to prevent contact. I feel it would do more harm than good.'

This is from much earlier up thread.

I feel it would be completely against the best interests of your DD to ever see this man unsupervised again. He is as dangerous to her as an unleashed pit bull.

He has absolutely no interest in her welfare. He sees her as ego fodder. Hence what you have mentioned of his demeanour at the doctor's appointments, the falsenes, the putting on a show for the benefit of the doctors.

You need to print out this thread and bring it along to show the psychiatrist when you go next to talk about your DD.

He has trained you all very well over the years to be his satellites.

Try doing nothing for a while. Just let him do what he wants, say what he wants and sit tight. You dont have to 'do' anything for a while. It's his crisis, not yours if you see what I mean.
Meanwhile you can have a good think, do you get on OK otherwise, is your relatiohsip overall a good one? How does he treat you?
men do not view these things the same way as women. When men say 'It did not mean anything' they really mean 'It did not mean anything' to them it is nothing much but harmless fun, and a distraction.
It has taken me a long time to realise this about men.
Does sound as if he has a few issues - but he can sort them out.
Best of luck.

Dittany said the same.

I think he is trying to distance himself from our children - not just me. We had to go out of the room while dd talked to pyschiatrist and care co-ordinator privately (ie to say the things she couldn't say in front of us). He asked me if I found it too difficult him being at these meetings, and maybe it would be easier for me if he didn't go. I said I found it hard seeing him, but think dd appreciated him being there. That should have shut him up but it didn't. He wanted me to say "yeah, you're right, it's best if you don't come to these meetings or the systematic therapy we are going to have".

So, I've got a feeling the children will be seeing less of him in the future anyway. That would explain why he thinks i should take them out and do loads of fun stuff with them - so he doesn't have to.

He is such a lame pathetic excuse for a man - hope he ends up really lonely.

Thanks braceet, but I think he is beyond any help - as is our marriage. I do know what you mean about men but he doesn't want to sort it out - he is free of his suffocating family. That's what this is about

I asked hom on msn if he was trying to distance himself from the kids and he wrote:

"For fucks sake I'd rather you weren't there if you can't handle it"

Charming

Let him go.

Stop caring about him being lonely.

Stop caring about him making a fool of himself (except insofar as he may still be spending your money on his little diversions from reality).

Pay attention to the money.

Stop asking him questions about your relationship - he sees this as asking him for permission on your part to forge your own path or some sort of pathetic desperate attempt to tie reins on him and keep him yours. It will not make him respect you, which is what you should be fighting for right now.

He has checked out of the relationship and has hurt the people he should have loved, deeply. Stop trying to keep him involved. If he wants to he will. If not it will be painful, but which is preferable in the long run, ripping off the plaster fast or peeling it off slowly? If not it will be no loss in the long run too it must be emphasised. Your life is complicated enough without trying to guess what's going on in the vast emptiness of the interior of his head.

It's very important to stop thinking in terms of 'we' here meaning him and you, and to start thinking 'we' in terms of you and the DCs. Especially your DD.

Very wise mathanxiety - you are right. just got to get my brain into gear!

I do keep reading these posts - they help me see sense (slowly - still v emotional)

Thankyou

Hi Where, good to see that you are hanging in there - and hopefully feeling a bit better than the other day.

Hi sorry, my aplogies, I am unused to this layout and I missed a large chunk of your message and readers replies. So my message was inappropriate, I did not realise events had taken this turn. Good luck anyway, fingers crossed for you.

Thankyou both for your messages.

Had a better day today - just the to-be-expected normal depression-y feelings (which I can cope with) not the ott suicidal feelings (which I can't cope with).xxx

Just checking in to say hi to you Where. Glad you have had a bit of a better day. Keep going love - just think, this time next year all this will have passed. Love to you x

Thanks goo

I always look on the chin up thread - trying to keep up with everyone.

Thankyou for your support x

How have things been over the last couple of days, Where? Thinking of you.

Likewise Where.

Hows it going?

Hi, thanks for your messages Firepile and IYHAYKI.

Feeling so depressed and suicidal - constantly. Everything is too much and can't cope with dc or pets. Can't sleep - too agitated to relax.

Hoping to get support from mental health team at hospital. Said they'd contact me next week - thats ages away.

I feel so alone and overwhelmed feel dc would be better off without me cos I'm no use to them atm. Doesn't help it is my birthday and got 1 card from my mother who I got back in contact with and to her credit has been supportive but she lives 160 miles away and won't visit/I can't visit her cos of my abusive father/her husband.