Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

WherecanIhide - I'm glad you can feel more positive now

Fortyplus - from what I have read on here you have been a very wise poster. I too am very boring and hope to be married to a lovely kind man one day too

Goo always write great supportive things.

Tbh - I'm feeling sooooooo very lonely and it feels like a heavy weight is literally in my chest. Just saw out of the window the space where his car should be and that empty space is like the emptyness I feel.

Probably like everyone else, feelings swing from positivity to massive lows which feel overwhelming and can't see a future. I know it'll get easier but dread having to get through the 'bad stuff' to get there.

I haven't heard from the 2 friends I did tell. I hoped they'd see how we were but nothing.

I'm counting my blessings re dc - I know I'm so lucky to have them. If it wasn't for them I'd have collapsed in a heap and given up.
I can really understand why people suicide. I phoned the Samaritians at 4.30 am and to be honest I don't find them very helpful. I know they are there to listen but you get a different person each time so have to repeat everything. If it wasn't for my dc I could disapear of the face of the earth and no one would actually miss me.

Where - I could have written your last post. On the weekends when I don't have the kids I often think - what if I died? Noone woudl know for at least 2 days. I also didn't find the Samaritans helpful. I did find counselling helpful years ago and I'm going to try and get some again this year. Yes, loneliness is crushing. I soooooo know that feeling. I often get panic attacks, epsecially in the mornings, thinking about being alone or just with the kids and knowking that I'm not going to talk to anyone for the whole day. Also, I hate the thought that noone special os thinkig about me, if you know what I mean. With exbf, even tho it was long distance, he would text and say he was missing me or thinking of me and it would make me feel validated somehow.
HOWEVER, I know that one thing I have learnt is that I have to live with a certain amount of loneliness and I have to feel special myself, without needing a man to miss me. Now that's much easier said than done but I'm going to go on a little journey this year to see if I can do it. Can't promise I can but perhaps we can do this journey in parallel if you like? Learning to value ourselves and to love ourselves :)

Thanks goo. At least you have your parents and I'm a bit jealous tbh. I think I'll be one of those old people who die and their body isn't discovered for 3 months (and covered in maggots).

Time and emotional intelligence are the ingredients. I know (but don't feel) we shouldn't need a man to miss us, just wish I had close friends/family as well/instead.

Oh Where - I sort of have my parents but they never come round, never help with the kids and my mum is as far away as could possibly be from understanding any of my situation. This was a high day and holiday treat. Usually I see them every other weekend with kids for lunch and a couple of hours after that. And even though I love them and they love me, I usually come away feeling a bit depressed tbh!
As for friends, I "lost" my bf this year - she fell out with me and her husband is best friends with my exh. She just didn't understand single mumdom either. So this is the year for me to widen my social circle too! Do you know, I've been divorced for 3 years on 7th January so I'm a lot further down the road than you but despite terrible heartache again this year I am now starting to see single life as full of possibilities. I'm not saying all the time (I'm on ADs, get panics, often feel very low) but I'm bloody well going to live my life to the best of my ability this year and see where it gets me. Usually up the creek, but I'm not finished trying just yet! First thing is MN meetup in January in Scotland :)

Where trust UR gut re access with kids I know UR kids are a lot older than mine but just go with UR instinct.

Wherecanihide - Sorry have posted before, took me most of last night, to read to page 8 , and got up this morning to read the rest.
Your dirty old pervert of a H, has not sexually abused you DD, as some idiot has suggested. He has behaved inappropriately, by telling her such details regarding younger females etc
I really feel for you, glad you hit him a few times, shame you didnt feel any better for it, try a frying pan next time, is my suggestion [joke of course, could not be seen to promote violence ]
You may feel shit at mo, which is understandable, but let it put you at ease of some sorts, to the fact he is going to end up a very lonely man

Suggestion though? you stated he had been to DR recently regarding impotency, though hadnt done anything about this before, maybe he only went to DRs, because of this charlie?
Its a horrible thought, I know, just seems funny he hadnt done anything regarding this for sometime, meeting 22 year old etc, then attends DR?

If this is the case, your H isnt in a midlife crisis, he is a premeditated cheat.

You will feel better soon

Lots of Hugs,

havent* allthat reading, and early morning is taking its toll on me typos, sorry

Thanks welshbyrd.

He says he just a typical man who is sex mad - strange how he's never exactly been 'sex mad' in our 21 years together - and I was young, skinny and blonde when we met. He's never seemed highly sexed as he is making out he is. As he was my first, I've always felt I've missed out on a sex life. I even mentally refer to our children as 'miracle children' cos it is amazing they were ever concieved! I just don't get it!

I sort of wish you hadn't pointed out his going to Drs for charlie - I hadn't made that obvious connexion yet (and it adds to the hurt etc).

I wonder if the novelty of young totty will ever wear off. He says one day he'll have a proper relationship with someone in her 30's (he'll probably be mid-fifties by then). He'll be on his best behaviour and be emotionaly supportive etc so feel he will end up with someone. His relationship will either be based upon lies (not mentioning what he has done to his family) or honesty and I'll wonder what sort of woman would knowingly commit to this sort of man.

He's looking ahead re money and his life style. He told me yesterday that if in a year or two a job came up which paid £20,000 extra, he'd go for it - even if it is 'in Manchester'. That's hundres of miles away from his children.

He seems to be planning around the money he'll have left over after paying for the mortgage etc which is 'a good thing' [I know I need to see a solicitor] but planning on how he can have a life for himself aka pay for girls, probably.

I never imagined he was such a sad old letch. I will mentally begin to refer to him as 'Hugh' [Heffner] instead of 'Andrew' or the pet name I've had for him for years.

He's acknowledged he could end up lonely but doesn't care - he's living/lusting for today.

Now I know what he's like, I know I am well rid, but it doesn't stop me 'grieving' for the loss of what I thought we had

Karma Karma Karma Karma

Just keep playing this to remind you of how pathetic he is, and how much of a fool he is making of himself. He sure isn't making one of you anymore.

Hi Where :) Good point Binfull - he isn't making a fool out of you anymore Where. That's what I think about my exbf - I'm not his fool anymore. And it always makes me feel a little bit better to think that. Hope today has been better love. You'll have to grieve for a while - it's only natural and part of the process. Hey, I'm still grieving over exbf and I was only with him a year. But remember, you have to go through it to get over it. Love as always brave strong woman :)

Thanks Bin - loving the link; Oldest Swinger In Town!

Thanks Goo - I shall keep remembering; '...you have to go through it to get over it'

He's just collected the children for the afternoon.

Daughter stormed out the house cos she's fed up with me being upset (just last night and a bit this morning) Ds told me he loved me before he went.

Not heard anything from the 3 'friends' I hoped would offer some kind of support since before christmas.

I'm just so alone - beyond depressed. beyond everything beyond caring. Thinking my children would be better off without me.

He's got his fucking sister looking after him/mothering him.

Your children will be home soon and how lucky you are to have such a kind caring and sensitive son. Your children need you very much, more so than ever before. Your daughter needs you to be strong for her, she probably doesn't know how to react because of her own feelings about what has happened.

What time will they be back? Try to find something comforting, relaxing, purely selfish to do. Shopping, die your hair, do your nails, eat lots of chocolate, pin a picture of bastard X to the wall and throw darts! re-arrange the furniture, chuck out x's favourite chair, painting etc, redecorate something, make something, anything that that makes you feel just a tiny bit better.

I'm sure it gets easier in time.

poor you...of course your dd is going to take it out on you, as she loves you the most, she'll want to see you fighting the hardest for her, and she is probably angry with every one at the moment.

Can you try and compartmentalise this pillock of a husband, just like a job, don't think about him or get angry or upset about him until the kids are in bed - or you are. Now they have gone, if you want to have a blub or a sleep or watch a sad film and just wail or scream then do it. Would be nice to do something for yourself though, can you get out to the shops for a wander - try some clothes on if you feel up for it, get a last minute appointment for hair or nails, or stay home with Grazia, a flake and a bath.

When they get back try to remain in neutral with the kids, and immerse yourself in their lives for a bit. Get your DD to put her appalling teenage music on and dance madly together round the house. Play a mad computer game with them if they have a wii, something completely energetic and fun that takes you completely out of your situation. Paint each others toenails, give each other facials, anything. They are probably missing a bit of fun and their "old" (but not age old) mum back. They don't deseve to suffer in all this, and at the moment that idiot is coming across as the positive cheerful one.

You deserve to feel happy sweetheart, you aren't the perpetrator here, the oldest swinger in town is!

How is your son bearing up - I know you don't mention him as much as DD for the obvious reasons, but hopefully he isn't burying it all in an angry little soul is he?

Where hello.

Its the worst when they take the kids off and I am afraid that takes a long time to get better. I used to make sure that I had almost every minute they would be gone accounted for - cinema,shopping,friends,gym,walking although I love the Grazia, Flake and bath idea

Seriously unless you have experienced this you cant imagine how upsetting it is BUT it does get easier in time and a year later I now enjoy my free time and often dont have much planned but go with the flow.

Where also wrt your friends who you were hoping for more support from - have any of them been divorced ? If not then try and remember as above they will have no concept of what you are going through and may just be unaware of what you need.

I was unashamed in asking directly for support and saying to different friends please can we meet up my kids are with xh and I cant bear being on my own atm. Also I think once people know you are struggling they are more likely to begin to step up more without being asked.

Dont be upset with your friends and cut yourself off now is a time when you need all the support you can muster

Your DD will be fine , isnt it better in a way for her in particular to be able to show her anger in a "normal" channel.

Keep going Where this time is sooo hard and there is no escape but you are strong and you will get stronger and gradually bit by bit this will become much more bearable.

Hi, thankyou I've calmed down a bit now.

I couldn't stop crying and honestly felt dc would be better off without me. I don't mean to be so dramatic but honestly felt like driving to Beachy Head. I know that sounds like ott attention seeking but I honestly felt that way and it would be best for all if I dissapeared. I'm so hurt none of the three people who I hoped would care haven't thought to see how we are. I supose I should contact them (?)

Like I said, I've calmed down now.

I worry so much for ds. He already has 'anger issues' because he felt his dad forgot about him when dd was ill (not unjustified feelings). He also gets v angry at dd because he feels she is the cause of his feelings of neglect. I think his father has done his best to ruin their relationship now (especially if he does bugger off hundreds of miles away for a better paid job). I'll continue to keep my mouth shut about their father - they'll come to their conclusions over time.

Back to (new) normal now. I think I'll class that as an inevitable 'wobble'/'brief loss of mind' etc.

I keep playing Oldest Swinger In Town - makes me smile each time even though I now know all the words.

Thankyou so much for your messages

I was thinking, this 'crimbo limbo' week is a crap time of the year - even if everything in life is ok.

Where mum said last week "if theres any chinks in your armour you can guarantee christmas will rip them open"

Please think about what I said about your friends and dont judge them because they just wont know what you are going through. YES contact them and try not to let your hurt show.

Actually I had some surprises in my year since he left at some of the people in my life who were brilliant and some who really let me down completely. What I also learnt was I had let down a close friend because she divorced years ago and yes when it first began I was ringing her but I quickly tapered off and just saw her as usual after that. When it happened to me I could see I should have done so much more for her. Hindsight and all

We'd miss you! I only came on in a sneaky work break and thought I'd check how you are...

Cut your friends a little slack, do they know exactly what is going on? Sometimes people get a bit awkward in these situations, worried that they can't say the right thing. Also remember it is such a bloody stressful time of year with families visiting and in laws misbehaving and all that hell - they might not have the chance ot get out of the house! So I would drop them an email or text perhaps inviting them out for coffee or to do something - a film perhaps - in a few weeks time..."When we are done and dusted with Christmas it'd be great to meet up and go for a.....etc"

When my best friend was in a sh*tty relationship she actually found she got more of her life back when he left than when he was there - as he had to take the kids away for weekends. Previously she realised she had never had a break and used to do it all 24/7. She is enjoying her new alternate weekends - but sadly as her mate I can't always join her on them because I don't have the chance. When the kids get back they come to a refreshed, relaxed positive mum!

Sorry to hear about your son, they try to become little protectors don't they...

Can you spend some time with him doing something nice? Bowling or something. Just the two fo you where you can chat but not face to face. My nephew talks to his mum better in the car, or washing up looking out the window!

Chin up - read the first of your posts and see how far you've come in such a short time!You can and will overcome this xxx

Thankyou for your kind words and thoughts.x

He never really wants to do much with me. I try to suggest things but I think he's embarrased to be seen out with me now because of his age

More informal chats eg in the car are good. It's hard to get it right - letting him know I'm there for him but not nagging/being suffocating. He's already said he won't do the systematic/family therapy we are meant to be having. Too hard for him to talk about how he's feeling etc.

I am going to do everything possible so they don't feel they have to look after me - they shouldn't have to feel they have to protect their mum as they are too young for that (different if they were in their twenties)

Thanks again x

Happy New Year Where xxxx

Happy new year where!

Hope you are feeling ok.

X

Thankyou - you too xxx