Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

Thanks Bin

No worries

dittany out of curiousity what right do you have to write "and you still havent answered me as to why this was allowed to happen yesterday" as if the op is under some obligation to respond to your barracking line of questioning ?

I agree you have made your point but your heckling rabid tone doesnt strike me to be borne of concern but some personal agenda.

While you are busy berating her and demanding why she isnt responding to precisely what you say you might like to remember this happened only three weeks ago.

I have no idea what experience you have of being dumped along with all the other turmoil Where is enduring but I can tell you at this stage putting one foot in front of the other is hard enough.

WherecanIhide - I really do feel for you. Please don't let one poster with very extreme views upset you in this way.

Your husband's behaviour has been appalling and he has failed in his duty of care for your daughter.

You are trying to resolve a hideous situation that has delivered blow after blow to you over the past few weeks.

You knew that your daughter had issues and have now realsed that your husband has been so selfish as to involve her in his secret life when he should have been protecting her.

Words can't describe how deadful his behaviour has been but it's not sexual abuse.

Please try to gain help and support - there are many wise people posting on here who will help you. Whenwillifeelnormal always seems to give fabulous advice.

You sound brilliant - I'm sure that you're doing the best you can but it's early days and a bad time of year for dealing with family issues.

Now that your daughter knows that she doesn't have to hide things from you I'm sure her own issues can be tackled more effectively.

I have had some very limited involvement with teenage girls with self harming/anorexic behaviour and it's a very long and difficult path to tread. Developing outside interests and lots of organised activities seems to help - I've taken groups out with their carers in canoes during the summer months and they've always had a fabulous time. These were girls in full time residential care so probably far more extreme than your daughter

I totally agree with you fortyplus re dittany going over the score ....... but this is par for the course as you mentioned re other threads too.

Why not back off dittany and let OP get advice from others instead of yourself.

Binfullofgibletsonthe45 totally agree - especially the bit about

Not that I am standing up for the cock knocking spunk trumpet...obviously.

AnotherMumOnHere the best advice I can give the op is what I've already typed:

'Many on here will also give you excellent unbiased advice based on their own experiences without becoming too extreme.

I'm not in a position to do so because I don't have the expertise.'

I am sure Where will manage without any more of your bullying robust points of view.

I'll second that one gettingeasier !!

gettingeasier - ah well, she did say she was going to leave the thread alone!

Is this positive feminism Dittany?

Dittany nobody is saying u don't have the right to record UR observations but you SERIOUSLY need to review UR communication skills or UR point will be lost as you alienate the OP.

Where as in all threads my advice is take what u need and leave the rest , reading things over 2 or3 days later is also good I have found ,one year from now you won't feel bullied though ,that's UR aim and imo this is the best gift I can give my daughter that she sees no one bullies her mother ,but UR at the start of UR journey atm UR a tiny acorn. But like all abused women when life makes u dig deep u will flourish and find peace and strength .

Thankyou everyone else for your support. I feel mentally battered as it is (like everyone else who's been dumped)and dittany's verbal pummeling/berrating has almost finished me off for the day. I don't like her insinuation she is the only one looking out for my dd, like I don't appreciate the seriousness of the situation.

I already feel like I've failed at being a wife (I haven't, just feels like it) and now feel like a failure as a mum that, in some way, I'm abusing my daughter by not protecting her.

I really appreciate everyone's helpful support xxx

Ps there will always be people in RL
like DIT she is passionate about her views ,loads of people are.U will learn to cope with it ,its pretty exciting when you think about it ,its all part of UR metamorphosis ,enjoy x

All completely normal and understandable where ,I always think whatever I am doin is a better effort than my wanker X .So have a cup of tea and write down a plan.u have been with him since 17yo ,so loads of room now for u to mature emotionally and be an independent young woman with a view to do her post grad ,when u want to.Loads of woman out there in Britain only firing on 2 cylinders ,you are going to be a 6 cylinder engine with turbo boost,everyone will respect u because u will have a laser beam of respect around u.surround URself with positive people ,learn from the ed professionals ,are u in touch with EDA for support I'm sure they changed their name .He has repressed u for so long u won't believe how much room u have to grow .Stay true to u enjoy UR tea x

Ah thankyou for your kind works Urban - I never thought of him repressing me...

Yeah me neither,its only when UR self esteem self confidence grows that u see it is in their interests to keep us weak,nothing like a bit of empowerment to let him know what he is dealing with.step by step you will get there if u want to.

Hi Where, sorry not been around for a few hours so hadn't seen that it had all kicked off.

You are an intelligent lady and are doing all of the right things. You really can do no more at this stage. You must feel like you're caught in a whirlwind.

You are in a shitty situation and seem to me to be extremely together in the circumstances. Rome cannot be built in a day. Over the coming days, weeks and months you will work through all of this and things may well come out of the woodwork. That's what always happens in these types of situations. You will deal with them one at a time and do keep posting as I know we will all (mostly!) do our best to help.

Keep on doing what you are doing.

Thankyou sooooo much.

I like to pretend me doing a degree (and getting a better classification than him) may have also added to his issues - he's always been the big clever one in our relationship - which may added to his ego. Improving myself to his educational equal may have made him insecure (?). If he is after 22 year old totty then I imagine her intellect won't be top of his lusting/perving priorities. I'm convinced Hugh Heffner is his new idol (or maybe that should be Garry Glitter?

I may be clutching at straws but it gives me comfort

Oh my goodness Where. Just got back from theatre shenanigans and read this... your soon to be exh is a complete twat but he is NOT sexually abusing your DD (or anyone else for that matter). And I'm a teacher, so qualified and trained to spot and report any sort of child abuse. This is my professional (and personal) opinion!
You are doing more than well, you are coping with a huge, mighty and crap avalanche of, well, crap and I admire you so much. My exh has done some despicable things and he very quickly got together with 19/20 yo after we split when he was 34 0r 35 but he is not a paedophile either. And I also weighed things up once we split and decided that for all his faults (as a person and as a parent) that he really wanted to continue to build a relationship with our kids and so I have let him. And they love him and he is their dad. He has made some mistakes on the parenting front (haven't we all?) but I know he loves them and wants to be an active parent to them, so there it is. Please come to the chin up thread - I think it's very safe there - no bullies! Much much love. You don't need any more shit than you've already got my love, so please post on the chin up thread, where everyone is a top dumpling and understands the complexities of being dumped and having kids xxx

Thanks goo - will do.

Hurrah! Thank goodness for your brilliant post! I didn't feel able to be much help (boring & married to lovely kind man) so it's great for WherecanIhide to have such sensible and supportive advice from someone who understands more of what she's going through and can put an intelligent viewpoint. Men can behave like stupid arses, behave totally unreasonably and make terrible mistakes in their parenting whilst still wanting to be a loving father. They need help, too - to understand where they're going so badly wrong. Vilification anmd enforced separation from their children in rarely the answer.