Husband on online dating chat sites

[WherecanIhide]

Hello,

My husband has always been a bit of a night owl (been together 21 years and have 2 DC) Recently I got a strange feeling something was going on. This morning I went on his laptop and looked at 'history' and it is full of 'No strings dating' and he has been talking to 'Becky, 22 Linc' etc. I don't think he has actually done anything cos he rarely goes out in the evening, but he has plenty of opportunity during the day to leave work for an hour or 2. I'm still in shock. I've emailed him letting him know he's been rumbled and waiting for his reply. How would you handle this? Please tell me what you would do if you were me.

TIA xx

dittany - I think you've gone way beyond what is helpful - as you are prone to do. The OP has clearly stated
'he hasn't been telling dd about is sexual exploits (asked dd)'

There is no sexual abuse here

Do you think I haven't looked back? Are all age gap relationships based upon unsavory intentions?

He is looking to have fun with a 20 something then have a relationship with someone in her 30s. He is 51. It doesn't take a lot to realise this is a man who doesn't want an 'equal' relationship with someone close to his age.

So tell me: he has promised not to mention anything re girl friends to dc. What do I do now?

I don't thin dc will fully understand it all until they are MUCH older (hence need protecting) but they do need a dad who is otherwise a 'proper' dad.

I am constantly thinking about this and what to do for the best. I still think it is all about weighing everything up and I will phone care co ordinator again. What he has done is bad on many levels.

May I ask, are you a professional person re this subject?

Thanks fortyplus, I did wonder.

I DO KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

where have only seen your post today and read through all the replies.

Am so sorry this turned into a living hell for you.

I know you are within your rights to vent your anger - but I think some of the posters are right, sweetheart, please stop letting him have a window on your world now. By opening up to him you are keeping him one step ahead in this. It's a lot harder to guage someone's intentions when they play their cards close ot their chest.

You are giving him ammunition to keep attacking you, and it keeps him thinking he is in the right, and was all along.

Things have been going wrong for some time hmmm...probably because you reached the un-magical age of 30 and then moved out of his age bracket. Not your fault, the man has serious problems.

You should have gotten a job a long time ago? Why, so he could have left you earlier and you wouldn't be a drain on his young lady honeypot bank account.

You should get a job now??? Why - so you can release further funds for his frittering. My reply would be - incase you hadn't noticed I am suffering slightly from the depression of having my family unit pulled out from under my feet, my husband making a mockery of my life and what I hold dear, and anxiety regarding the problems of my mentally Ill daughter, and all the extra unnecessary stress she has recently been put under. When I'm over all of that I will decide what my career options will be. You chose to walk out of my life - you now have no business telling me what I should be doing with it. You sadly lost that privilege when you started advertising for sexual encounters with young girls.

Don't get mad- there is something far more unnerving about a clinical, dignified conversation - And why waste your energy on him.

Please please sort out your finances and legal support though. It is imperative that you take care of yourself. He is not coming back, you need to look after yourself and the dcs.

And start looking at some social things - a keep fit class in the day, a class in a local community centre, a rl meet up.

Start planning the next phase of your life - where it is also about you.

Can I also just say, that as well as being jealous of your size 14 figure, I also think you come across as being witty, strong, caring and downright fabulous.

I wish you all the best and will be thinking about you sweetie x

Dittany - just because I am not writing; 'you are right - I will stop my daughter from seeing her father ever again' doesn't mean I am not understanding your point/in denial etc.

report away, dittany - all i've done is suggest to the vulnerable op that she should read some of your other posts before forming opinions on the validity of your advice

Thankyou to you both. I think we all have the intelligence to make up our own minds re other peoples' opinions. We can appreciate all posts recieved and decide for ourselves what we feel is valid for our own situation and what isn't.

WherecanIhide - you do need professional help. Many on here will also give you excellent unbiased advice based on their own experiences without becoming too extreme.

I'm not in a position to do so because I don't have the expertise. I have nothing against dittany but I've seen some extreme opinions from her in the past and felt that she was starting to upset you and putting a slant on this that almost certainly isn't justified.

I was particularly concerned when you asked if she is a professional.

I am very upset.

I feel bullied by dittany and her implying I am not doing the best for my daughter etc like she thinks I don't know anything/am underestimating the situation when infact I am weighing everything up and talking to my daughter about it etc etc

I am not going to make any further comments on this.

dittany - I've totally agreed that his behaviour is dreadful. You have labelled it as sexual abuse, which is an appalling accusation not borne out by the opinion of the professional who - unlike you - knows the daughter's full history.

For what it's worth I think the man sounds like a total arse.

If you feel bullied then report it, you came on here for advice not vilification. You have told your husband to stop this. If he didn't acquiesce to your demands then I would seek the help of the people involved in your daughters case and ask them if they think this is sexual abuse. They are the experts. Until then, he needs to keep his distance.

From what i read into it, he was talking about them forming a relationship rather than sexual details wasn't he? It was the mental cruelty of telling her to keep a secret from her mum that was the awful part. And talking to her like an appropriate adult when she isn't mentally capable. We are not the experts sweetheart, call one who is.

Not that I am standing up for the cock knocking spunk trumpet...obviously.