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Original poster

Please help- is it over or is there hope???

151 replies

crazeeladeeuk · 07/12/2010 18:08

Hi I am on here as i need some intelligent advise that is removed from emotion.

For the last 6 months by hubby has been distant, hasnt wanted to spend time with me, no closeness etc- he did start a new job and i am convinced this has put him under immense stress.
It all came to a head about 6 weeks ago when he told me he needed space and was intending to book into a hotel for a few day- 'i got the its not you its me speech' I was devastated- anyway he did pack a suitcase and went. I called him on his mob and he wasnt acting normal- seemed to be slurring his words and wasnt making sense- worried for his safety i called the police as he had took a weapon with him i feared for his life- I did warn him that unless he told me he was okay i would be forced to do this and he said if i did it would be over- as i was so concerned i went ahead and did this.- to cut a long story short he got arrested, night in the cells and cautioned. He was fuming, come back to the house and told me to leave him alone- he refused to talk to be me for 5 days and ignored our daughter too. I had enough and through this - i wrote him a letter telling him i thought a trial separation would be beneficial and told him I would be gone for 8 weeks and then return. The next day i broke down and work, got sent home and contacted his parents who im very close with and they recommended packing some clothes for me and daughter and come stay with them. During the week i was there i realised that i loved him and wanted him back- but he wouldnt let me and told me if i came back he would want a divorce- told me he needed space.
I had no choice but to sign a contract on a place of our own (consulted him with this told him i didnt want to do this and he said it was best) I am in this house now and have not seen hubby for 6 weeks- he is refusing to speak to me, and not contacting me either-he has told me to leave him alone and give him space- I havnt managed this and am trying to contact about once each week. He seems to be giving mixed messages- called me hunny twice, still wearing wedding rings, sending relatives cards with my name on-WTF!!! I find out now he doesnt want to spend christmas with me- has hasnt told me but has told our daughter!

Im stuck in a rut- hes hurt me so much I never knew he could be this cruel (we have been togther 12 yrs) and yet i still love him and want to go home- The rational me thinks he wants me to end it with him as its probably easier for him to deal with.

Can anyone help??

OP posts:
fallingandlaughing · 07/12/2010 20:54

Hi Crazee,

not sure if I can help but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I suppose in this situation I think some of the issues are:

What do you want. Your husband's behaviour seems very hurtful. Does that affect your feelings about any future?

How is his mental health? Any problems with alcohol? When he was talking before about having a weapon, was he talking about hurting himself?

Do you know what he is doing with his time at the moment? Is he behaving normally? "Partying"? Missing work?

I would suggest considering no contact for 2 weeks (until that 8 weeks is up) and then asking him to go to counselling. I would arrange counselling for yourself now tbh.

I am not sure how much control you have over the future of the relationship but you can maybe do more to protect yourself and your daughter, and to be less at the mercy of your husband's whims.

Good luck to you.

Original poster
crazeeladeeuk · 07/12/2010 21:09

Hi there, thanks for your reply

I want my husband back, but the longer its going on the more afraid i am that he will hurt me again- Im nervous even to bump into him

I think hes going through a midlife crisis- dressing younger, hitting the gym, hiding his baldness. The last few months has complained that life isnt exciting and even to the extent he wants to go to afganistan and risk his life!! Hes not into drugs or alcohol so no worries there.

At the moment he has closed himself off, not mixing with family and friends, so no chances of another women- trust me on this I would know

I had put my hopes on sorting this out for christmas - though i have heard from my daughter that he doesnt want to see me at christmas yet is buying me a present!!

He is not the type of guy who would go to counselling, he doesnt discuss.. i have an appointment lined up in a week as it is affecting my work.

Like you said i have no control over this, he holds all of the cards, he wont speak to me so dont really know what this separation is, is he asking for time to sort himself out?, time to decide whether he loves me? And how long do i leave if before I need to realise we have no future ..
Im so confused
=-(

OP posts:
Pinkieminx · 07/12/2010 21:09

It sounds like he is having a breakdown.

Did all this come out of the blue or has he been this way in the past?

Original poster
crazeeladeeuk · 07/12/2010 21:11

No its totally out of the blue, hes never hurt me before - hes pushing everyone away including his family - how do i help him?

OP posts:
Pinkieminx · 07/12/2010 21:16

He needs to talk to someone. I would contact a friend he will confide in, someone who will also be fair on you. You cannot force him to accept help but you can try to help him see he has a problem.

if he's acted this way in the past, are there any 'reasons'?

Original poster
crazeeladeeuk · 07/12/2010 21:23

No hes never acted like this before- he has been distant and stressed for a few months. At work , they had a staff reshuffle and made some of his department redundent and in that promoted - more responsiblity without additional money- the ppl he works with resent him and blame him for the other losing jobs- he hates going to work now

OP posts:
Pinkieminx · 07/12/2010 21:26

Work can be a massive part of a person's self-esteem. He may feel he is letting everyone down or feel too burdened by responsibilty. That could make him want to be left alone.

Having said that, he is treating you callously and cruelly. Are you sure you want to be with someone who could do that to you?

Original poster
crazeeladeeuk · 07/12/2010 21:42

I know he treating me badly, but he never has before. I trully love him and just want to wrap my arms around him and take care of him, but he wont let me anyway near ..

OP posts:
piratecatClaus · 07/12/2010 22:01

are you totally sure there isn't or wasn't someone else op? It does sound like he is having abreakdown.

Original poster
crazeeladeeuk · 07/12/2010 22:06

100% certain he isnt seeing anybody- hes going to work then coming home to TV, I have the neighbours keeping an eye on him ;-) We work at the same place so I would know if there was anyone from work also.

OP posts:
Pinkieminx · 07/12/2010 22:08

Think you do need to back off a bit. Can you involve a third party - someone he will talk to?

Original poster
crazeeladeeuk · 07/12/2010 22:18

I dont think he will talk to anyone- hes not like that he just 'deals' with things in his own way.. quite a stubborn sod to be honest, once hes made his mind up.

Back off a bit? Ive not seen him for 6 weeks, I intend not to contact him for a couple of weeks, Christmas will be hard though

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 07/12/2010 22:22

It does sound more like he is having a breakdown rather than an affair. However you cannot help him right now. You can't see beyond your need for him to come back and be your loving husband again - while this is understandable, it's not going to happen yet if it ever does, and the more pressure you put on him, the worse it makes things.
Right now you should leave it to either his family/friends or the professionals to help him and concentrate on looking after yourself and your DD. Whatever the reasons for his behaviour, you can't force him to come back if he chooses not to do so.

Original poster
crazeeladeeuk · 07/12/2010 22:52

I know your right and I need to back off- Im just scared of losing him. But i understand that he has got to come to me. I feel like im stuck in limbo and unable to deal with the situation. I dont have any control over whats happening and dont really understand whats going on either. I just wish i could have an insight into his thoughts

OP posts:
Pinkieminx · 07/12/2010 22:54

Have you considered talking to someone yourself? They cannot give you insight inot his head but maybe help you 'see' some things.

ShanahansRevenge · 07/12/2010 23:02

It sounds like a mental health issue....I really feel for you. My own DH has some issues and has done a similar thing.

He went to stay at his Mums...was VERY depressed and needed to hide away.

Has he any history of depression? Do his Mum and Dad have any contact?

Original poster
crazeeladeeuk · 07/12/2010 23:13

Hi he has turned against his mum and dad as he says they have taken my side-all they did was let me stay with them as we had nowhere to go and helped me find a place to rent.

Hubbie feels he has let them down, feels a failure because of the problems were having. We were also trying unsucessfully for a baby and feel his feels his mum looked down on him because of this. About 6 weeks ago he was upset and told his parents he wanted nothing more to do with them, he didnt want to know if they have died!! Although they still go to see him regulary - his mums says he doesnt make them feel welcome.

He doesnt have any history of depression, but i feel the stress of work has become too much for him to cope with.

OP posts:
Pinkieminx · 07/12/2010 23:15

It does sound like menatl health issues? Can you elaborate on the situation with the weapon?

Original poster
crazeeladeeuk · 07/12/2010 23:22

well i think he took the weapon with him for protection??, he wouldnt hurt anyone else-

When i was chatting on the phone to him he was saying things like i should phone 666, and he wouldnt tell me where he was other than timbucktoo- saying some strange things and slurring his words- he later said he was tired. I kept asking if he was okay and he wouldny say he was. I was hysterical at that point with him. He specifically told me not to phone the police and i did- think thaysts what pissed him off. He also told me not to ring his parents and i did as I had noone else to tell- i was scared. He hates me for this and cant see why i did what i did.

OP posts:
Pinkieminx · 07/12/2010 23:26

He is projecting his feelings onto you. He is obviously a proud, stubborn man, he doesn't seem to be coping with his percieved failurse very well. Tiredness can be devastating when combined with stress/depression,etc. Did the police not get a Dr to do a menatl health review before releasing him?

Original poster
crazeeladeeuk · 07/12/2010 23:31

Your right, he is proud and very stubborn- he wont back down very often and admit hes wrong. In my eyes I am so proud of him and everything he has done and so are his parents, we all love him to bits and yet he cant see that

The police did do a review and he was fine, he perhaps covered this up? I went to the house about 6 weeks ago and he was in a right state- he said i was scaring him!! he physically tried to get me out of the house- bruised (never laid a finger on my before- goes against everything he stands for and later apologised)

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 07/12/2010 23:33

This does sound like a case for the professionals. IF he is considered to be a risk to himself or someone else he might be taken into a mental health unit for at least an assessment.
YOu would probably benefit from talking to someone as well, your GP should be able to refer you, or you could try MIND or SANE - it is hard and scary when someone close to you develops MH issues but you need to look after yourself and DD first of all.
If his MH issues are very severe, it would be a bad thing for him to come home because while he is not making rational decisions and his world view is distorted he might be a danger to you or DD.

ShanahansRevenge · 08/12/2010 00:58

I also think he needs to be assessed. It was the mention of his talk of 666 and the weapon...his paranoia...call MND as GB says....something is not right here.

fallingandlaughing · 08/12/2010 08:15

It would be a good idea to go and see your GP (assume you have the same one as DH) and outline all his behaviour. Don't leave anything out. GP will have dealt with things like this before and needs all the information.

Poor you, it sounds very upsetting. Try to look after yourself. It will probably be a while til you see the lie of the land wrt your relationship.

Original poster
crazeeladeeuk · 08/12/2010 18:46

Hi all, thanks for your messages of advice- I am seeing a psychologist in a couple of weeks so will discuss this with her.

Just found out that my hubby has put the xmas tree up and bought christmas cards.He has also invited his family over for new year- which is something we always do (other than his parents they dont know that ive moved out) Hes still stressing to daughter that im not invited- how does this sound to you?

OP posts: