Please help- is it over or is there hope???

[crazeeladeeuk]

Hi I am on here as i need some intelligent advise that is removed from emotion.

For the last 6 months by hubby has been distant, hasnt wanted to spend time with me, no closeness etc- he did start a new job and i am convinced this has put him under immense stress.
It all came to a head about 6 weeks ago when he told me he needed space and was intending to book into a hotel for a few day- 'i got the its not you its me speech' I was devastated- anyway he did pack a suitcase and went. I called him on his mob and he wasnt acting normal- seemed to be slurring his words and wasnt making sense- worried for his safety i called the police as he had took a weapon with him i feared for his life- I did warn him that unless he told me he was okay i would be forced to do this and he said if i did it would be over- as i was so concerned i went ahead and did this.- to cut a long story short he got arrested, night in the cells and cautioned. He was fuming, come back to the house and told me to leave him alone- he refused to talk to be me for 5 days and ignored our daughter too. I had enough and through this - i wrote him a letter telling him i thought a trial separation would be beneficial and told him I would be gone for 8 weeks and then return. The next day i broke down and work, got sent home and contacted his parents who im very close with and they recommended packing some clothes for me and daughter and come stay with them. During the week i was there i realised that i loved him and wanted him back- but he wouldnt let me and told me if i came back he would want a divorce- told me he needed space.
I had no choice but to sign a contract on a place of our own (consulted him with this told him i didnt want to do this and he said it was best) I am in this house now and have not seen hubby for 6 weeks- he is refusing to speak to me, and not contacting me either-he has told me to leave him alone and give him space- I havnt managed this and am trying to contact about once each week. He seems to be giving mixed messages- called me hunny twice, still wearing wedding rings, sending relatives cards with my name on-WTF!!! I find out now he doesnt want to spend christmas with me- has hasnt told me but has told our daughter!

Im stuck in a rut- hes hurt me so much I never knew he could be this cruel (we have been togther 12 yrs) and yet i still love him and want to go home- The rational me thinks he wants me to end it with him as its probably easier for him to deal with.

Can anyone help??

Although I agree with other posters re the mental health angle, IMO your marriage is over.

Some of the issues you have described point to an affair as well as a mid life crisis.

Sorry op, im not intending to upset you, just saying what I see from your posts.

Is it obvious that my marriage is over ?? Am i just to blind to see it??

I may be wrong but that is the opinion I formed whilst reading your posts.

Read back through your own words and imagine it's someone else. What would you think?

But if it is in his opinion why the mixed messages? We still have bank accounts together, he still wears his wedding ring, hasnt told his relatives, also he asked me a couple of weeks ago to invest some of his money into a share account in my name- these signs dont signal a man who wants out ???

Not sure what to think. The distancing has been going on for 6 months you say but only came to a head recently.
It would seem you have played into his hands and he now has the house for himself. Why did you and your DD have to leave surely he should have been the one to leave. Also you asked for an 8 week separation have you told him you are moving back after this ??
SantaNormaSnob may be right l am afraid

I totally disagree with santa.
I see no affair. I just see a troubled man, who will not talk. no change there. many men tell no one nothing.
He will be a very very tough nut to crack. The opening up bit.
But other thna thta I see no real issues. This is not someone having an affair, deceiving you. It is not your marraige thats in crisis. Just your man. As an individual.
I bet most of this comes from his job and hating it, and esteem that comes from that.
I think thta if he got a new job, it would change alot fundamantally. but getting him to see that would be a major task.

I'm really sorry, you definitely need help, I'm jus not sure what/how.

I think there is more thna enough here to fight for.
But that cracking of th nut, may be the breaking of you.
He has hurt you and may continue to.

HTH

We had to leave because it was not a nice atmosphere he was blanking my DD and me- didnt speak to us both for about 5 days leading up to my having to leave.

I did initially tell him I would be moving back after the 8 weeks, havnt had chance to discuss this with him as he wont speak.

If he is proud, he could be too ashamed to tell his parents!?

He could be too ashamed to tell his parents but what about the money he gave me to invest for him- surely he could have set up an account in his name instead of putting more money into our joint finances??

oblomov, i hope your right. He is not having an affair- I believe just going through a crisis of some sorts, feeling down about things and i think very confused about the direction his life should go in.

It might be that our relationship is over, but i dont think he has fully subscribed to this , at the same time i dont think hes doing much to recify this and playing the class ostrich.

Something does not add up here. He is lucid enough to know he does not want the police or his parents involved at 'crisis' points and he is appearing very capable of keeping you at arms length using any means necessary to keep you and he from discussing anything.

Yet he has managed to hang onto the house whilst his daughter and wife are forced to move out.

This man is working to a plan.

i just dont know

If he was having a breakdown he would not be capable of orchestrating this level of manipulation whilst retaining control of his life.

He gets defensive when you challenge him. Why do people get defensive? When they have something to hide or protect. If you and his daughter are not what he is hiding or protecting, then what is it?

I think you need to look at other possibilities as well as a breakdown here. Otherwise there is a chance the rug will be pulled from under your feet and you won't see it coming.

I know that he hasnt met anyone else, like i said we work at the same so have the same circle of friends- and he hasnt been out since the split- What other possibilities could their be??

Sparkle has eloquently put what I was also thinking.

Ime, the fact he is arranging parties and decorating a christmas tree do not add up to a man at breaking point. He is adamant that you are not invited to this new years social gathering too??

I genuinely do hope I'm wrong crazee.

I understand what you are saying here-as i think the same about christmas -how can this man just be getting on with this when his wife and daugter are in limbo- other than our clothes and personal belonings everything else is in the house we share with DH and this man is organising a party!!

Though despite this the last time i saw him , 6 weeks ago he was an emotional wreck. He was crying, shaking and very distressed that I was at the house- these characteristics are just not him!!

Crazeeladeeuk I am not trying to shit stir. I am talking from personal experience from my first marriage.

I could not understand why he suddenly decided it was over just before I gave birth and we had only been married 3 months. Every time I contacted him he said I was making him ill with stress and he was going to have a heart attack. This made me worry even more about him wondering what on earth was happening to the man I loved. Then he threatened me with the police saying if I went near him or contacted him he would have me arrested for harassment. I went to his dad's one night to talk with him and he went berserk. He said I had to give him space to sort his head out - 3 months approx after he left we started sleeping with each other again and I thought we were going to get back together. Then I found out that his 'partner' of just under a year was pregnant at the time I gave birth to our daughter and was due to deliver soon. He was building a life with somebody else even whilst we got married.

I had no idea he met someone, we socialised together, led quite a close life together or so I thought. The things you describe instantly brought this memory back to me and I would urge you to try and see past his bluster and look for more clues. They are there somewhere.

It does sound like you have had a similar experience- though i am 99.9% sure there is noone else. What im not sure about is his feeling for me and whether he wants to stay with me. It could be possible that he has his sights set on finding someone else though?

I have never heard of men leaving a marriage so they can go find someone else.

They will leave for someone else already in their life, or will meet somebody as a matter of course after a separation but not intentionally split to find someone new.

In the absence of any communication from him I would be taking legal advice to clarify my position immediately.

I really dont know- im certain there is noone else...

Crazeeladee - whether this is a man with mental health problems or a manipulator who is trying to dump you in a way that will stop you fighting for your fair share of the family assets, right now you have to start acting as though your marriage is over.
If he is severely mentally ill he will need professional help and it will take a long time to make him well again - while you may be able to support him in recovering, the fact that right now he is rejecting you and running from you means that you trying to 'be there' for him is not the right thing to do either for him or for you and your DD.
If he is a cruel man who is trying to dispose of you, then you need to make sure you are aware of your rights legally and are not just allowing him to walk all over you. Seek support from friends and relatives, tell them that he has left you and while you don't know what's going on or why he has done so, you are feeling bad and need their help.

StuffingGoldBrass Very well put. I couldn't get the right words.

Hi all,

I have done quite a bit of research and hubbie is showing classic signs of a midlife crisis??

As some of you have suggested the best way is for me leave him alone and he hopfully will get himself out of the hole he is in.

Thanks very much for your help. The next few weeks will be hell for me I hope that I can rely on your support again

Does anyone have experience of their DH having a midlife crisis? He is still refusing to speak to me and I have not seen him in 7 weeks. It hurts

MLC---my arse