Please help- is it over or is there hope???

[crazeeladeeuk]

Hi I am on here as i need some intelligent advise that is removed from emotion.

For the last 6 months by hubby has been distant, hasnt wanted to spend time with me, no closeness etc- he did start a new job and i am convinced this has put him under immense stress.
It all came to a head about 6 weeks ago when he told me he needed space and was intending to book into a hotel for a few day- 'i got the its not you its me speech' I was devastated- anyway he did pack a suitcase and went. I called him on his mob and he wasnt acting normal- seemed to be slurring his words and wasnt making sense- worried for his safety i called the police as he had took a weapon with him i feared for his life- I did warn him that unless he told me he was okay i would be forced to do this and he said if i did it would be over- as i was so concerned i went ahead and did this.- to cut a long story short he got arrested, night in the cells and cautioned. He was fuming, come back to the house and told me to leave him alone- he refused to talk to be me for 5 days and ignored our daughter too. I had enough and through this - i wrote him a letter telling him i thought a trial separation would be beneficial and told him I would be gone for 8 weeks and then return. The next day i broke down and work, got sent home and contacted his parents who im very close with and they recommended packing some clothes for me and daughter and come stay with them. During the week i was there i realised that i loved him and wanted him back- but he wouldnt let me and told me if i came back he would want a divorce- told me he needed space.
I had no choice but to sign a contract on a place of our own (consulted him with this told him i didnt want to do this and he said it was best) I am in this house now and have not seen hubby for 6 weeks- he is refusing to speak to me, and not contacting me either-he has told me to leave him alone and give him space- I havnt managed this and am trying to contact about once each week. He seems to be giving mixed messages- called me hunny twice, still wearing wedding rings, sending relatives cards with my name on-WTF!!! I find out now he doesnt want to spend christmas with me- has hasnt told me but has told our daughter!

Im stuck in a rut- hes hurt me so much I never knew he could be this cruel (we have been togther 12 yrs) and yet i still love him and want to go home- The rational me thinks he wants me to end it with him as its probably easier for him to deal with.

Can anyone help??

Crazee Oh, I feel for you really do. I have had these emotions too. I am now coming up to the point where it is finally sinking in that he will never want me back. All the finances are done now, as far as I know he is still having his new wonderful life with OW and there is no reason for either of us to get in touch. It is obviously harder for you with DC involved. As this ending coincides with the New Year then I am determined to really let go finally and start 2011 with a clean slate. I will still think about him but I know I will never be able to take him back and like you say I don't think that will ever happen because he is either too ashamed or too guilty and will never admit that he has done the wrong thing. He will just go along with OW for as long as he can bear or until she chucks him and then he will be alone. It is sad but I just have to remember that I have not caused him this and he has to live with the path he has chose. It's finally sinking in with me and doesn't hurt as much as it once did, hope you are the same. x

I'm thinking of you too Crazee and wishing you well. I know it may not feel like it to you but you are doing really well, I am especially pleased that you have an appointment with CAB, at least then you will know where you stand legally. I think you should just do what you need to do in order to get through Christmas and then review your situation afterwards. With each day that passes you will find yourself getting stronger. And another thing, you are not moping, you are grieving, and apologies are not necessary.

Crazee, I've read most of this thread but not all.

While I agree that your dh is having some kind of episode/breakdown, I feel that there is another woman involved.

SGB's comments were harsh and careless BUT she has a point - protect yourself, take financial/legal advice asap.

And you cannot, cannot CANNOT know how your dh will behave when it comes to money and the house. You would be amazed how people behave - because when one party realises that at the age of XX they won't even be able to afford a flat or a car or whatever, they will do anything and everything to claw back any assets or money that they can.

I've just seen it happen with a very close friend - for months and months she was worried sick about her dh who seemed to have gone completely mad to be blunt. Turns out he had another woman. Then this lovely, rational, caring guy she married began to fleece her for all he could because clearly he wanted to start a life with OW or impress her or spoil her and he panicked when he realised he couldn't get a flat. So he has taken my friend for so much more than she should have allowed - because she was still in shock and still loved him.

All is not good today ...

We all normally go to the inlaws for christmas dinner, but this year I turned them down as H told them he didnt want to spend time with me, so i planned dinner with both of the girls.

I have found out today at 12.30 that older D (the one staying with H) is not coming for xmas dinner as her and H are both having it together at 2.30.

With this in mind, the inlaws have asked me and younger daughter to spend the day with them and stay for a coupld of days.

Im now, at 8.30pm getting it in the neck from hubby and daughter- he is telling older d that he wanted to go to his mums and she is saying she was having lunch with me despite sending a text at 12.30 that she was having dinner at 2.30 with him- WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell them to sort themselves out. Your sense of disempowerment is extreme already; at least organise your own Christmas. I question whether your in-laws are the right people for you to be with at Christmas, but it's probably too late to arrange anything else now.

Please stop being a candle in the wind - well, more like a gale. You have been through a humungous emotional shock and your life has been turned upside down. Your sense of dysphoria will only be prolonged by your continued inaction.

still, I held the moral high ground in both my breakups. It cost me hundreds of thousands of pounds and even more in subsequent repercussions. The view ain't that good.

I agree with Grace here -- decide fast what you're doing, then tell them and let them put it in their pipes and smoke it. They can work around you.

It doesn't matter at all what your H thinks or feels about your plans. No need for the kid glove treatment for him, and your older DD needs to stop jerking you round too. (I don't think you will lose her by standing up for yourself, if that worries you.)

As you proceed through this you will find yourself keeping a good few balls in the air all at the same time -- the really important one is the one with your name on it and in it is your financial/property/ material future.

When all the emotional fallout has fallen out and you have regained your equilibrium (and it will all fall out and you will eventually get yourself back) you will be left with the material aspects of this situation and they will be with you for a long, long time.

It is really worth it to try to devote time to concentrate on the legal and financial aspects of all of this. Set yourself an hour each day initially just for planning and calculating for now, until you know where you stand and what you want and need in terms of a settlement. You owe it to yourself and your DDs not to be fleeced. This is the ultimate moral high ground imo.

As far as Christmas goes, it's possibly too late to organise any kind of festive meal for yourself and DD2 and maybe it would be less stressful for you to go to the ILs and have them do the cooking, etc, and maybe your DD would appreciate it. But whatever you do, don't tiptoe around your H or end up eating sandwiches instead of a nice dinner because of him and his hissy fits.

FFS!!!

Well have just found out that Older DD has just told younger DD that me and DH will not be getting back together- what is he playing at? I dont know if theres any truth in this or older dd is stiring again, which she seems to have gotten from him- she is definately taking his side on this, but there again she would be as she has his full attention and his is spending lots of money. She has also told younger dd that she has taken over her bedroom at the house, so when she sleeps over she will have to sleep in the 'spare room'

I do not know how much more of this i can take- i dont think im wrong at being upset with this am I???

This is truly horrible. Has the older DD always been as nasty as this or is she being manipulated by your H? They both sound extremely twisted, although look at this too and see if anything rings a bell.

The fact that you wonder whether your reactions to all of this are somehow off makes me wonder how much crazymaking you have been subjected to over the years. Nothing you feel is 'wrong'.

Take care of your younger DD here. She must be mystified and very hurt too.

To be honest, I think older dd has has put much strain on our family for the last few months. She has always been a very clingy person who needs to be centre of attention, she always used to get jealous when it was the younger dd birthday. I think she has played my dh off aganist as each other on several occasions.

I think my dh, is discussing more than he should be tho- i got accussed from her of taking all of their money (when i reality I took cash from our joint savings account to pay rent on property im in at the mo)

My younger dd is getting along fine, were both of the same nature, very placid normally and just deal with whatever life throws at us. Every now and again she has a blow out but this is very rare. She is a little diamond and is really looking after her mum at the moment, i dont know what id do without her

Oh dear, i didnt realise how hard this was going to be. I feel so bad today, dont know how im going to get through. Stupid me was half expecting a big fairytale showing from dh last night telling me to come home, whats wrong with me, why do i always think about him? and why do i want him back so bad- im worried that maybe i didnt love him but was obssessed with him. Im scared that im going to feel like this for ever and i cant cope. I really wish i could hate him amd move on xx

Happy Christmas crazee to you and your DDs. I have followed this thread from the beginning.

I hope you and your DD2 can be kind and gentle with each other and share some time with PIL today. Don't let anyone hurt you. You have behaved with great dignity and kindness in an awful situation.

Here's hoping the New Year brings you clarity and resolution

Well younger dd didnt go to the house last night as older dd told her not to!! So him and older dd have decided that younger dd will see them tomorrwo to get presents from him - as he wants to see her face as she opens them- pity they went back on her sleeping over last night!!!

Older dd came round at 10.30 and we have just done presents and now she has now gone to lunch with him. I didnt get a present from him, not even a card I just feel so sad with t he way he is trating me

We are due to go to his parents for 3.00 after hi and older dd have left. I have left a present him there, but no card- i couldnt bring myself to write him. My marriage is over, i know it is deep down- why cant i just move on/ why am i hurting so much? Im an enotional wreck at the moment, dont know how im going to be at his parents xx

Am back from PIL and thank god its over. They were really supportive and looked after us both really well, but i think that just made me worst. I just wish I could get angry with my DH and then i might move on quicker.

I dont think I will ever get to speak to him about the way he has treated us, hes to stubborn to confront me. All in all, I called the police because I was frightened he was going to harm himself- is that so wrong. I knew the consequences when i did it and in my opinion I had no other choices.

Hes swanning on like nothings happened TBH, buying new things. His parents said he seemed normal on xmas day and was showing off his new mobile phone. FFS what is it with men, he needs to strap a pair on !!!

In the new year I intend to build up a circle of friends, me and dh were so together that we both let this slip. Any ideas? I feel really nervous about starting again

Hi crazee, I am very worried about you from reading your posts - what is your financial situation? Do you still have a joint account with him? he has asked about house insurance, he has stayed in the marital home with dd (I think this might prevent you from having a share of it until the children are adults? but check with the CAB), and he seems to be spending a lot of money - where is this coming from?
Also he is being very nasty and uncaring towards you. I know it is really hard but you must toughen yourself towards him, you cannot consider him even as a friend anymore.

Do not question yourself, you have to focus on the present situation. You have not done anything wrong, but he has behaved apaullingly.

If it was me I would move back into the house and throw his things out! But I am not in your situation and you are dealing with it as it is.

Good luck!

Hi there,

Currently we both each have individual current accounts which our salaries get paid into , a joint account (for bills etc that he transfers into and ive stopped), savings account(in my name) and shares (also in my name) He seems in no hurry to pull out of the joint account, hasnt asked for any savings or shares, even gave me more money to invest in my name about 5 weeks ago???

I work full time and have a decent job as does he, he earns considerably more than me and it is his salary that he is spending not from our accounts.

The CRB have suggested that I can access the house when i like and can remove items as i see fit, he can only stop this by applying to the courts. We both each have a child living with us, so the house can be put on the market, though he has not asked for a divorce. I have no intention of moving back to the house, too many bad memories now, though will remove my things once im stronger. Getting stronger every day and starting to realise that he was my whole life and yet he should have only been apart of it ...

Happy New Year to you all.

The last few days have been tough, have had no contact from him over xmas, i guess this is a sign that he has moved on without me. I am starting to accept that my marriage is over and i will never get an explanation from him. Better than being stuck in a marriage where he didnt love me i guess.

I need to move forward now and seek closure, that means removing all of my things from the house and closing down bank accounts, finances etc. Im really not ready to see a solicitor yet, but i understand i need to do something to break away,

Just need the strength to do it xx

Happy New Year - I hope 2011 is a better year for you!
Might be a good time to draw a line under everything and move forward independently. Chin up, smile and be proud of yourself!

Happy new year op, I am so sorry to reada about what you are going through. Your dh has treated you terribly and him not telling you straight about what he wants is extremely cowardly. You are a strong beautiful kind woman and you will get through this. You will be so much happier in due course although it doesn't seem that way atm. I wish you all the best x

Well girlies, I have just found out I have been married to a slimey toad. I had mail from 'my house' and when i opened it it was an invoice for a his n her gold necklace (i looked the reference number in the internet site) - heart that fitted into another heart with names engraved, not expensive priced £50!!!

He claims that my daughter bought it for a friend, my daughter is 16 and in college and does not work, where did she get £50 from and is it not excessive for a friend? When I quizzed her she suggest she did buy a friend a necklace but it was different to the one on the internet and she said to me 'where would i get £50 from?' Exactly ...

I have told him to pack my things up, he is a lying cheating toad, still denies it to both me and his parents- I am fuming ...
Give him his keys back to the house and am seriously considering contacting a solicitor- he is still telling his parents, even today he doesnt know if he wants me back, well I am sorry to burst his bubble...

I am sure that I am being reasonable- ladies????

You now have the proof crazee that you needed.
Now is time to take control and et angry.

Who'owns the house and whose name is on the mortgate-l would be tempted to move back in and let him leave. I know you have a rented place now but why should he be allowed to stay in the marital home.
It sounds as if he is keeping you in reserve in case it does not work out with this "owner of the locket"
Book an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow. He has made a fool of you for too long
Take control back NOW

Now is the time to stop being a doormat, and ACT.

Get your house and your daughters back.

Move back in. Let him take the flat.

TBH Doha, i still dont know what to believe, as soon as i saw the necklace , i thought it wasnt the sort of things he would buy (tacky in my eyes)

Unless this is the new 'him' ??

Okay you your daughter daidshe did not buy it--do you believe her???
If it was not your daughter or your DH who could have bought it under yor name.

Regardless of the locket saga Crazee--please see this relationship with your H for what it is totally over.
I am sorry.

Oh dear not very good at this am l
not sure how l managed the line through thingy.
Again oops sorry

What a lying two-faced git he is! You will be so much stronger and life will be so much better without him.
You need to take this winter period to sort out finances etc, I'd want to know why he was asking about house insurance etc.
Then in the Spring you can start exploring what sort of life you want with your daughters. I suggest you access some family counselling so you and the girls can straighten out the dynamics between you without any input from devious, manipulative excuse for a father!!