Please help- is it over or is there hope???

[crazeeladeeuk]

Hi I am on here as i need some intelligent advise that is removed from emotion.

For the last 6 months by hubby has been distant, hasnt wanted to spend time with me, no closeness etc- he did start a new job and i am convinced this has put him under immense stress.
It all came to a head about 6 weeks ago when he told me he needed space and was intending to book into a hotel for a few day- 'i got the its not you its me speech' I was devastated- anyway he did pack a suitcase and went. I called him on his mob and he wasnt acting normal- seemed to be slurring his words and wasnt making sense- worried for his safety i called the police as he had took a weapon with him i feared for his life- I did warn him that unless he told me he was okay i would be forced to do this and he said if i did it would be over- as i was so concerned i went ahead and did this.- to cut a long story short he got arrested, night in the cells and cautioned. He was fuming, come back to the house and told me to leave him alone- he refused to talk to be me for 5 days and ignored our daughter too. I had enough and through this - i wrote him a letter telling him i thought a trial separation would be beneficial and told him I would be gone for 8 weeks and then return. The next day i broke down and work, got sent home and contacted his parents who im very close with and they recommended packing some clothes for me and daughter and come stay with them. During the week i was there i realised that i loved him and wanted him back- but he wouldnt let me and told me if i came back he would want a divorce- told me he needed space.
I had no choice but to sign a contract on a place of our own (consulted him with this told him i didnt want to do this and he said it was best) I am in this house now and have not seen hubby for 6 weeks- he is refusing to speak to me, and not contacting me either-he has told me to leave him alone and give him space- I havnt managed this and am trying to contact about once each week. He seems to be giving mixed messages- called me hunny twice, still wearing wedding rings, sending relatives cards with my name on-WTF!!! I find out now he doesnt want to spend christmas with me- has hasnt told me but has told our daughter!

Im stuck in a rut- hes hurt me so much I never knew he could be this cruel (we have been togther 12 yrs) and yet i still love him and want to go home- The rational me thinks he wants me to end it with him as its probably easier for him to deal with.

Can anyone help??

And Ohdeary, there is no hope for him but I do have a little hope left for me. Ask me again in a week and it'll be different again! No, my XP left me for someone half my age, half my size and a thousand times prettier. I cannot compete and have held my hands up and admitted it and now trying to come to terms with all the fallout it has brought me. Just feel for the girls on here going through it right now, I know exactly where they are coming from. x

Stillhurtin - She is a skank and you are not x

Ohdeary, if I know anything from all this sorry mess it is definitely that she is number one skank of the most skanky variety. She has had a very unstable upbringing and also zero morals that she can just pinch a bloke from a long term relationship and think nothing of the consequences. But these men are led by their dicks, how can I ever beat that? It definitely helps me to remember that I have the high moral ground and there's a lovely view from up here!

My dh cheated on me with his ex wife. At the time she was using the fact that they had a dd and she deserved to have her father in her life. I could not compete with that at the time. The bastard actually packed my stuff up one day when I went to work and called me to tell me it was on his way in a cab!

She is still a skank.

This is what my husband did to me. We survived. But in the beginning I did not/could not leave him alone. It was so hard. But I had too. For him. He needs space. An's you need to find yourself and be happy in your own right. He'll see a different side to you, an's you"ll have a new found strength. You never know, you might find your happier on tour own. I know how rough this is. I was convinced my dh was having a breakdown. To a certain extend he was. But men don't wanna talk about it, they go into their cave and try and deal with it themselves. He sent my men are from mars,women are from Venus. If you can, read it. It explained alot. Keep strong. There is hope xxxxx

Good grief dearyme, they are unbelievable aren't they??? My XP ditched me, then ditched her, then ditched me again. All the time he was being so honest to me, telling me loads of stuff, only because I knew what was going on before he did and he was found out at every move. So crap at covering up his tracks, so pathetic at trying to make excuses. In the end he just couldn't get this child-woman out of his head and she won him. It still hurts like hell but then it doesn't, then it does. I am living on shifting sands but not moving very far. One step forward and 18 back, I'm sure you know how it goes!

They are unbelieveable! He did it again then a year later with an ex from Friends Reunited or flames reignited as it has come to be known.

Went on to marry him tho' and he has not put a foot wrong since.

Feel bad for hijacking thread now.

It's unlikely your x's new relationship will work out. Anything built on lies is a crock of shit. Doesn't make you feel better tho' does it.

Yes, sorry crazee for going off your thread. It may last and it may not with his OW and he likes to play the martyr too much to come back begging but who knows. If he ends up feeling like I do then he'll be at rock bottom and might appreciate what a dick he has been, but then again do any of these men really admit when they have been complete jerks? Just got to ride the tide Deary, thanks for your support and yes, how they're relationship started is never going to be something they can look back on and be proud of. And I hope you feel a bit better tomorrow crazeeladee. x

Is your DH still holding down his job? Some things you describe sound like a breakdown however, if he was in this state he would doubtless be alienating people at work, acting delusional and wouldn't be managing there.

You say he was taking a lot of supplements - he could have messed up his mind a bit with them - some of these herbal things can be really strong and act on brain chemistry - and he was already feeling vulnerable at work you said and not getting it up (due to propecia I presume) which would make it all worse and perhaps make you more of a target for his anger.

Definitely try to get some advice from MIND or a proper mental health professional. You really need some help here so that he can get a proper mental health assessment. If he is ill, I can see that you wouldn't want to abandon him but if he isn't, it's very important that you start to stand up for yourself and not be so subservient to him.

Hi Euro,

His work friends have preety much alienated him, so i think its pretty much heads down. He was promoted into a new job about 1 year ago and lots blame him for taking the jobs away from a friend, stopped inviting him out for departmental meals etc.

He is taking lots of supplements- testosterone boosters and the like. He kept the viagra from me, though I did notice problems yet didnt confront him- only recent! Yes he is taking propecia and yet doesnt seem to click with the side effects- i guess the hairloss is his ultimate concern.

I am seeing a doctor tonight, hopfully she will give me something to ease the pain and stop me feeling anxious. I will discuss things with her am hoping that i will also be referred to a councellor to talk.

As for me hanging on, i am i admit it, im not ready to let go, although in my heart of hearts I know its over and I must let go- but I need to hear that from him to reach closure. I need to know that I hung on as long as possible and give him the space he asked for

Space will do him no good to be honest - he needs help - he's taking a bunch of competing hormones that are messing with his already fragile mind. You need to have a very open discussion with your GP about what you can do to get him seen by mental health professionals again. They have a duty of care if he is a risk to self or others. Sounds like you feel at risk from him if you go back to live in your own home.

Speak to MIND, your local mental health team, your GPs.

People often turn on their nearest and dearest during a breakdown, especially if it has elements of mania and psychosis and it is absolutely awful to deal with.

How are you today? x

Hi,

I saw doc yesterday and he prescribed AD, i have felt alot calmer today- surprised they have worked so quickly? He wanted to sign me off work but the last thing I need is more time to think-

I had an email from DH about house insurance policies- and where could he find them -WTF-
They always cold, starts with a Hello, writes his message and then finishes.

Hes not facing up to anything, part of me wishes he would end it and at least i would be out of limbo- but there again surely no news is good news?? I dont know - But i do no that im not strong enough to deal with him at the moment so need so time to build up some strength .

Thanks for all of your support

hang in there. You sound like you can do this. your right, its your time now to build your strength up. This will get better. im living proof of that. you will be fine xx

Hi there, I am having a bad day today, feeling a bit sad. Considering taking off my wedding ring, if doesnt feel right to wear it under the circumstances, but i love it- it reminds me of my hubby before turning into an inconsiderate pig (pre MLC?) by taking it off its one step further that i dont yet feel ready to take. I have been told that he is still wearing his.

Its been 7 weeks since I last saw him and he still hasnt discussed christmas with me. Hes taking dd out at the weekend for xmas presents ao at least she gets to spend time with him- seperate presents seems to be what hes planning to do this year, i also got a separate card from his parents.

How can someone who you have loved and claimed to have loved you, just switch like that. At the start of all this he was telling me that i deserved better than him and he just wanted to me to be happy. Was this just his bullsh*t or do you think he genuinely means it- i love him with all of my heart, i was happy-perhaps i didnt show it as much as i should have done, but its a lesson i have learnt.

I know I keep saying this but my dh (who is asleep next to me) said and behaved in the same way exactly a year ago. If he's really worth it. And it's right for you. You can save this. Could you wear your ring on a necklace?! So it's close to you but still a strong signal that you are not happy with his behaviour an's right now you are not married to you because he is behaving Like a twat. I spent 3 months hounding,begging and just being desperate for my husband. It made it worse. Then I got angry. How dare he treat me like yours is treating you. You need to get strong. We decided on a "marriage holiday" we had no contact (except for finance related e-mails) for 3 months. I moved two of my friends into my house. Changed my image. Did fitness classes, danced. Drank and most importantly laughed until I cried. I found myself. I actually found that I didn't need him. I'm fine on my own. But I still wanted him. Dh on the other hand shit his pants after 2 months and realised he needed to shape up. We worked it out. And I'm sure you can with yours.
See if he will meet you on some neutral ground. Go to a hotel somewhere crap (separate rooms) for a night and talk. Set clear boundaries and make it clear what you want. What do you want?!? Do you think he would agree to a meeting? You need to be strong. Tell him you deserve a meeting to discuss the situation. No where romantic, strictly business right now.

Hi there,

No dh is refusing quite blankly to speak to me or have any contact with me apart from urgent 'housetype'emails which are very blunt. I sent him an email about 3 weeks ago which went aklong the lines of...

Hunny, I love you and you know i dont want this separation but i respect your request for time to consider your future. Take your time, i want you to come back to me because you are committed to sort out the problems we have had to make our relationship stronger and dont want you to make an emotional response. Take Carex...

This in my mind was the sign that I was taking control of the situation and making it his problem. Im still waiting

Your email sounds perfect! Well done. I think your stuck in some vile waiting game. I'm sorry this is happening to you. You seem so lovely. This will be the making of you. You will be so much stronger. I know it doesn't feel like it now. How are you sleeping/eating?

Hi, I hanging on, he normally emails me on a friday so i am expecting something tomorrow- it will just be bills etc. He wont mention christmas.

Its funny that you say i sound lovely, thats what he said before he started with his behaviour, told me i was too good for him...

I am sleeping fine now , just want to slepp all the time to be honest. I am now eating so things are looking better- im slimmer now than i was when i met my dh- so he will get a shock when he sees me

Crazeeladee, you need to accept that this man has dumped you. Your marriage is over. And you need to take legal advice about the family home - he doesn't just get to throw you out and keep the assets.
While you are hanging on and waiting for him to change his mind, he may well be emptying all the joint accounts/selling the house and taking the money. Forget about 'working on the relationship', that can't be done when one partner has decided that the relationship is over.

SGB- Hes not like that at all. I have investsments in my name that he recently gave me more money to add, he doesnt have access to this- hes not going to fleece me.

If its over, its over but I wont see this until hes either told me or i come to move on myself and tell him

SGB you really know how to tip somebody over the edge don't you.

You are so not the voice of reason.

You have many valid points to make and often, but why can't you just make those practical points and cut the destructive crap about 'you-are-dumped.' It's bloody soul destroying to anyone who is in the emotional shit and reads it.

One day you are going to type your 'he-has- dumped-you-your-marriage-is-over-you-cannot-make-someone-love-you' message and there is going to be a suicide.

Stop being so pernicious ffs.

Crazee just checking in to see how you are tonight. I know how you feel, don't beat yourself up about the fact that you want to hang on to him and make it work. I never got any chance, XP had made his decision and right or wrong he is prepared to stick with it whether it succeeds or he ends up destroyed like me. Whichever happens I will take no pleasure if it is the latter. You can only do what you have already done. You have held out the hand of peace and you can now only wait, until either he looks inside himself and becomes humble or until you have waited so long that you are strong enough without him. It is his choosing not yours. You still have a little ray of hope, I don't really have any three months on. Take care x

SGB, care to send the same message to stillhurtin?

go on.

You are secure enough in your own amicable little single world to do it and not give a toss about the outcome.

As far as I can see stillhurtin is not in the same position of having been forced out of her home. My concern is that the OP is going to get taken for a ride here and it's important to be practical in such a situation rather than hoping that someone who is treating you unkindly will suddenly stop doing so.