Please help- is it over or is there hope???

[crazeeladeeuk]

Hi I am on here as i need some intelligent advise that is removed from emotion.

For the last 6 months by hubby has been distant, hasnt wanted to spend time with me, no closeness etc- he did start a new job and i am convinced this has put him under immense stress.
It all came to a head about 6 weeks ago when he told me he needed space and was intending to book into a hotel for a few day- 'i got the its not you its me speech' I was devastated- anyway he did pack a suitcase and went. I called him on his mob and he wasnt acting normal- seemed to be slurring his words and wasnt making sense- worried for his safety i called the police as he had took a weapon with him i feared for his life- I did warn him that unless he told me he was okay i would be forced to do this and he said if i did it would be over- as i was so concerned i went ahead and did this.- to cut a long story short he got arrested, night in the cells and cautioned. He was fuming, come back to the house and told me to leave him alone- he refused to talk to be me for 5 days and ignored our daughter too. I had enough and through this - i wrote him a letter telling him i thought a trial separation would be beneficial and told him I would be gone for 8 weeks and then return. The next day i broke down and work, got sent home and contacted his parents who im very close with and they recommended packing some clothes for me and daughter and come stay with them. During the week i was there i realised that i loved him and wanted him back- but he wouldnt let me and told me if i came back he would want a divorce- told me he needed space.
I had no choice but to sign a contract on a place of our own (consulted him with this told him i didnt want to do this and he said it was best) I am in this house now and have not seen hubby for 6 weeks- he is refusing to speak to me, and not contacting me either-he has told me to leave him alone and give him space- I havnt managed this and am trying to contact about once each week. He seems to be giving mixed messages- called me hunny twice, still wearing wedding rings, sending relatives cards with my name on-WTF!!! I find out now he doesnt want to spend christmas with me- has hasnt told me but has told our daughter!

Im stuck in a rut- hes hurt me so much I never knew he could be this cruel (we have been togther 12 yrs) and yet i still love him and want to go home- The rational me thinks he wants me to end it with him as its probably easier for him to deal with.

Can anyone help??

Crazeeladee, my XP has had some sort of mid life crisis but I am not sure if that is just a convenient excuse for pure disrespectful behaviour. Work stresses and change of work culture started him off. Losing weight, looking at porn, looking after appearance, new car, new clothes, distancing behaviours, secret computing/texting, phone always flat, coming home late, culminating in running off with a skank young enough to be his daughter. We can't help but attempt to rescue them, to make them see some kind of sense, but ultimately it is not your fault it is his lack of self worth and failure to accept responsibility for choices and commitments he has made. A strong man would face up to this not lie and cheat and sneak and become lower than a snakes belly. Seeking out some exciting life that he missed out on is just him not resisting his fantasies. Pretending that the years spent with you were never the real him and he has changed, become bored, you have changed, blah blah. The excuses have been repeated on these forums loads of times, they follow the same old script. Let them run away, and you keep belief in yourself. If they end up looking like a prize twat or they end up living their "happy" life lie then console yourself that you will now live true to yourself with your dignity intact. I am only just trying to adapt to this way of thinking. Take care x

My hubby has not been secretive, so no fears of another women. we work together and also we were almost joined at the hip. he was my soulmate

The last 12 months or so has been hitting the home gym hard, taking health supplements in handfuls, taking hair loss pills/lotions and has started to dress younger- recently complains that life is not exciting anymore and wants to feel alive. He has also been having problems in the bedroom department and started to 'secretly' take viagra- Classic signs of the MLC???

A yr and half ago ish I was feeling that my life was not exciting and had not gone as I wanted it to. I had everything though.

I shut myself off from everyone. I was losing the plot.

Give your husband time on his own, it's what he wants.

I have no real advice really only to leave him be for a while. He needs to see what he will lose if he doesn't get a grip and it may just be what he needs in order for him to see what he will lose if this behaviour continues. A short sharp shock was what statred me back onto the road to recovery.

Best of luck to you.

ODM, how long did it take for you to come around?
I feel as nothing has really changed for my DH, it may take longer- he is the one still in the house with our possessions,whilst i am stuck in limbo waiting for him to ask me to come back, I know its wrong!!

I will give him time but am scared that time will drive us apart- it might have been different if he was the one living in a rental, in a poor ares, with minimal home comforts

Steroids?

Is hubby having any contact with DD?

What's DD's understanding of what has happened to her dad?

No not steroids- i checked all of his supplements out- the hairloss tablets can cause impotence- so i put 2 and 2 together there.

My dd is 14 and has been very good, she understands that we are going through a rocky patch, she does see her dad,and has been told that separation is definate, dad has just asked for some space.

We have another older daughter too that has decided to stay with DH and I am finding my relatinship with her is strained as i cant help but ask about him, i know its wrong- but he wont speak to me and i just want to know that hes okay... Im scared that we are growing further apart as a family

I am going to be honest with you about my situation.

Where to start....

I had feelings for someone else. It was not as simple as that tho'. There was violence in my relationship and we limped along for a little while but I was really struggling to cope with what my dh had done to me and it started from there really. I didn't know how I could stay with him and I didn't know how I could without him financially etc.

From there I just went nuts I really did.

To answer your question it took me maybe 6 months to decide what I wanted.

Crunch time came for me when I could no longer pull my husbands strings and dictate his life. I had kept him hanging on and when he could no longer take the shit I was giving him and decided for himself that our marriage was over, I realised that I didn't want our marriage to end and would do everything I could to repair the damage.

I had 3 children one after the other and I think that in so way this led me to believe that my life was over. The demands of everyday life seemed so huge and I didn't know how I was going to cope over the coming years with 3 small children.

I'm waffling now. Not very good at explaining things am I!!

Sorry that should read dd has been told separation is not definate and that dad needs some space

Thats what im afraid of, that he distances himself so much I cant go back to him. He has hurt me so much and although I am very weak, i am starting to come to terms with his rejecton. DOnt get my wrong I am still waiting and probably will be for a few months yet, but there will become a time where I say no more, i just hope he comes to his senses before then

You said you work together. Are you still?

Why do you say you are weak?

Yes, there will be a time when you say no more. Perhaps he will distance himself so much that he feels he can't come back.

If I were you I would let him know that you still love him and that you want your marriage to work and will do all you can to support him. After that it's up to him isn't it. You have to mean what you say tho' or the situation will just go on and on. My husband jumped off out merry go round and it was only then that I took any notice.

I remember him literally on his knees in the kitched one days crying his eyes out and begging me to go to the doctor. When I think of back to what I said to him at that time my heart breaks for him, but at the time I had justified my behaviour in my mind and I was really punishing him for cracking my ribs. In my warped mind that is.

Sorry for my spelling mistakes.

Husband is sat on couch snoozing next to me, so I'm trying to write quickly so that he doesn't jump up all of a sudden and read what I'm writing!

Hi Crazee. I understand your DH may not be seeing anyone else but my situation ended up that way. When I look back now I can see how the mid life crisis built up long before he met the OW, she was just the final boost he needed to throw me in the bin as it were. Throughout I was convinced that this wasn't the real him and he would come to his senses but four months down the line I now realise he is either having such a fantastic time now doing all the things that I used to do for him (cleaning the loo and ironing shirts yeah right) with his new young soulmate OR still trying to find what he went looking for (ie his own self worth). You just got to leave him to it unfortunately. There comes a time when you have to make your own sanity a priority. As the old saying goes, if you love somebody set them free....

Yes we still work togther, its a very big place though so havnt bumped into him as yet.

About 2 weeks ago before I went no contact i sent an email telling him i dint want to separate but respected his wish to take time apart. I said that i wanted him to ask me back based on his feelings for me rather than give an emotional response - i then left it, He hasnt even acknowledged it.

As you say the rest is up to him now

Im weak as i feel im not coping, its hard being rejected. My mother did this when i was only a few months old- and despite as an adult trying to let her back in- she rejected me again. Now im having to deal with being rejected again- I cry each day and talk so mucyh about my DH, i feel friends and family are starting to get annoyed with me. Im stuck- dont know if were over, dont know if theres hope.

It is hard crazee, I don't know how these men can just switch off their emotions and be so cold. I know what you mean about talking to friends and family. I had to give up eventually because they think they are sticking up for you by slagging him off but it's not what you want to hear when you still love the jerk. The best friends are those that tell you just to follow your heart but only make absolute decisions when you are feeling rational with your head. Keep trying to be strong. x

Hi, i am slowly starting to detach. When i left i took all of the paperwork/bills etc out of the house (irrational- i thought he would need me!) He has been emailing about once a fortnight to ask where things are and i have replied. I have now told him I will send them all back to him - then he wont have a reason to contact me. My heart skips a beat when i see his email addy on my screen, and i am frightened of bumping into him incase he blanks me?

I just feel like i want someone to lift me out of this hole and put their arms around me and not let go. I am so frightened of being rejected again - i dont want to be here anymore

Only you know truly know your dh and if his behaviour is so out of the character then it may be that he is having some sort of mid life crisis.

Not everyone who is behaving in the way he is is having an affair.

Could you possibly talk to your doctor? Would your doctor contact him?

I'm not sure how you can get things moving as it were, being in limbo is awful. To not even acknowledge your email is disrespectful but if he is having some sort of breakdown he won't be thinking rationally.

When you wrote to him two weeks ago, did you put your own time limit on things.

Maybe it's time you took matters into your own hands instead of him dictating what will happen and when.

It might help you to feel like you have some sort of control.

My heart breaks for you. You need to be here for yourself and your children. Perhaps you would benefit from counselling. You are a strong lady and have done very well so far.

There is a lady on here called whenwillifeelnormal.

She is a superstar at giving advice, really amazing. I'm pants!

Oh crazee please don't be sad. I am three months in and I want more than anything for my XP to text me, email, call, anything just to say he has made a huge mistake and he is sorry. I need him so much to rescue me and put his arms around me and tell me that everything will be ok. But I know the chance of this happening now is so slim. He won't back down, he's made his choice and he will play the martyr if it doesn't work out for him because I know he will be too guilty and ashamed to beg for my forgiveness. This I just have to accept and part of me couldn't have him back because my heart is in pieces and could not hold any love for him any more. It is early days isn't it. Be kind to yourself. The girls on here will help pull you through. Take care x

I have an appointment with the councellor in a weeks time, I am thinking now that I should go and see a doctor . I cant go on like this. Ive lost 3.5 stones in weight since september and am not sleeping. Worried at work that its only a matter of time before they pull me in for 'talks'

Meanwhile DH is buying new tvs and computers WTF

stillhurtin - is there really no hope for you?

Crazee - 3.5 stones!! wow. That's not good is it.

Has your husband seen you? Surely he can see the effect his behaviour is having on you.

Even when someone is acting strange, then can still do everyday things. Why is he buying these things, have you taken these items from the marital home? Not that it matters I suppose.

That's great that you are going to see your doctor and counsellor.

Could you perhaps ask for some time off?

I am sorry but your H sounds like a prize shit.

It doesn't sound to me at all like he has had a crisis or breakdown.

He has successfully got you out of your home and he is getting ready for christmas.

Something is very wrong here. But i would get youjrself some legal advice immediately about the house and where you stand. Your daughter is only 14 you say. It must be having a very damaging impact on her.

Please get some concrete advice about your situation asap. Who is paying the bills on your rented place? What is happening re finances?
He is stringing you along and only he knows why and what his 'problem' is.

You have rights and he has responsibilities. This is nothing to do with 'backing off' or'giving him some space'.

You have lost your own home right now ffs, and he is treating you and your dds atrociously.

This is all too familiar to me, you are so not alone in what you are going through. I could not eat, sleep, think straight. I sometimes still wonder how I remain upright some days never mind go into work and act as if nothing's happened. I had to move house, sort finances etc etc and it was all on auto pilot. Now I am shattered all the time but I do get about 5/6 hours sleep. I don't really eat still tbh. I have counselling and I only still really go because I feel like I have exhausted most of my friends and I can say the same things at every appointment and she doesn't bat an eye. I can't say it really works for me, I have big self esteem issues that we haven't even really got to yet. I just keep going over the same stuff and she just tells me it takes time. The only thing that helps me when I am down is the thought that I am being true to myself and not living a lie. And try to find a bit of pleasure in simple things like a pamper or buy a little treat for yourself. He will be buying flash shit just to make himself feel better whereas we girls know a £2 nail varnish is all it takes to give us the boost we need. Keep strong! Nite nite x

for stillhurtin. Your XP sounds a prize twat also.