Please help- is it over or is there hope???

[crazeeladeeuk]

Hi I am on here as i need some intelligent advise that is removed from emotion.

For the last 6 months by hubby has been distant, hasnt wanted to spend time with me, no closeness etc- he did start a new job and i am convinced this has put him under immense stress.
It all came to a head about 6 weeks ago when he told me he needed space and was intending to book into a hotel for a few day- 'i got the its not you its me speech' I was devastated- anyway he did pack a suitcase and went. I called him on his mob and he wasnt acting normal- seemed to be slurring his words and wasnt making sense- worried for his safety i called the police as he had took a weapon with him i feared for his life- I did warn him that unless he told me he was okay i would be forced to do this and he said if i did it would be over- as i was so concerned i went ahead and did this.- to cut a long story short he got arrested, night in the cells and cautioned. He was fuming, come back to the house and told me to leave him alone- he refused to talk to be me for 5 days and ignored our daughter too. I had enough and through this - i wrote him a letter telling him i thought a trial separation would be beneficial and told him I would be gone for 8 weeks and then return. The next day i broke down and work, got sent home and contacted his parents who im very close with and they recommended packing some clothes for me and daughter and come stay with them. During the week i was there i realised that i loved him and wanted him back- but he wouldnt let me and told me if i came back he would want a divorce- told me he needed space.
I had no choice but to sign a contract on a place of our own (consulted him with this told him i didnt want to do this and he said it was best) I am in this house now and have not seen hubby for 6 weeks- he is refusing to speak to me, and not contacting me either-he has told me to leave him alone and give him space- I havnt managed this and am trying to contact about once each week. He seems to be giving mixed messages- called me hunny twice, still wearing wedding rings, sending relatives cards with my name on-WTF!!! I find out now he doesnt want to spend christmas with me- has hasnt told me but has told our daughter!

Im stuck in a rut- hes hurt me so much I never knew he could be this cruel (we have been togther 12 yrs) and yet i still love him and want to go home- The rational me thinks he wants me to end it with him as its probably easier for him to deal with.

Can anyone help??

Stuffing I was basically forced out of my home. XP left to go with OW but I could no way afford mortgage so had to leave so he could move back in and try to take on solely. I am now in a rented flat and accepting an agreed payment to transfer house to him. It is strange how many people have said to me make sure I get as much as I can but unfortunately my mental health is more important to me than any money in the world. And as money is the most important thing in my exe's life because he is a materialistic, superficial, selfish, flashy arse then it makes me love money even less. I would rather live in a cardboard box outside Burger King still with him by my side than be alone in a palace.

My point is, solid, that it is not helpful to keep posting, in black and white, to people who are upset and already feeling crap, the

'YOU ARE DUMPED HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU ACCEPT THAT AND MOVE ON THE CULT OF MONOGAMY WILL BE THE PLANETS DOWNFALL LETS FACE IT YOURE DUMPED GET OVER IT AND IF HE WANTS TO SWING LET HIM YOU DONT OWN HIM AND NOR DO HIS YOUNG CHILDREN'

stuff.

Its debilitating. and upsetting, and Iam not even the one hurting. Just be kind, strong and give your usual excellent practical advice.

Unlikely I don't quite know what I am caught in the middle of here but I see where you are coming from. I do not know Stuffings agenda. All I can say is that 6 months ago I would have said that if a man ever cheated on me then he would be out the door and that would be that. Unfortunately until it happens to you then you have no concept of how you will actually feel and I don't think Stuffing appreciates that we all have different strengths, values and tolerances. My heart would have dickhead back tomorrow because I love him (or loved who he used to be). My head knows that in reality I could hardly even bring myself to look him in the eyes, knowing that those eyes used to look at me whilst lies were being spouted from the mouth below and that those lips had been kissing some trollop behind my back. I think all us hurting posters on MN would love to be able to shrug it all off and say "oh well, shit happens" but in my mind if you are in a long standing relationship then that means you should have respect and some common decency to the person that you share house, bed, family, money and other responsibilities. It's not like we are talking about a boyfriend of a few months, these are women who have been with their partners for 10, 20, 30 years. It is serious life, not just a teenage fling (and tell that to XP's young skank). It seems that so many men, and I am sure a lot of women, seem to take their side of the partnership with not as much giving as taking and then when they decide there is something better on the other side then they are selfish enough to go off without a whiff of consideration to any other parties. A lot of ladies seem to come on these threads with complete shock at how another human being can treat them with so much disregard and contempt. Excuse me for my high morals but it is not just that easy to accept when someone makes promises and breaks them so readily. It hurts and we all deserve to have our pain eased by coming on these threads if other's experiences can help us.

Stillhurtin: Sorry you were forced out of your home. While money is not the most important thing in the world (unless you have none), that doesn't mean that someone leaving a partner and children should be allowed to escape their financial obligation, particularly to their children, so I hope you had good legal advice.
UC: when a poster appears to be in complete denial of how badly she is being treated, I do think it's important to stress the need for good legal advice and looking after oneself rather than looking for ways to make a departing partner change his mind - same as if someone is being verbally or physically abused by a partner but keeps asking for advice on how to make the partner stop being abusive rather than advice on how to get rid.

Blimey Stuffing you still up, have you seen the time???? It is good indeed to have someone with a rational head on in these threads I suppose because it can all get a bit emotional. I do have to stick up for Crazee a bit here because although her situation is not the same as mine as mine buggered off with a young floozy, in some ways at least I have an explanation (albeit impossible for me to comprehend at the moment). Crazee's has run off to find himself or run away from something he can't handle. But I feel for her in the regard that he has just made a decision without any consideration for her which is extremely hard to come to terms with. We are both therefore in the same boat asking ourselves - what did I do wrong? Why does he not love me enough to stay? What does his new life give him that his old one didn't? We can't help those questions, they just happen and we would still love everything to be how it was again. You are almost saying that a man has the right to just up and leave if he feels like it but that is not really acceptable in what the other partner thought was a committed relationship where some sort of mutual respect is meant to be a given. If you don't have trust, understanding and respect with the person that you share your life with then what is the point? You might as well still be boyfriend/girlfriend meeting up at the weekend for cinema and a pizza. Sorry to waffle again but these things are not so trivial when they are happening to you.

I don't like to post on these threads usually because I haven't been through anything similar, but I have to say that him asking lucid questions about your house insurance policy started ringing bells for me.

At the very least it should be you and DD in the house, while he goes somewhere (his parents? the hospital? ) to sort himself out.

People do have the right to make a unilateral decision to end a relationship. To say otherwise would be to tell victims of abuse that they can't dump an abuser if the abuser wants them to remain in the relationship. If a partner is lazy, selfish and inadequate (there have been a couple of threads along these lines recently) the other partner has every right to walk away.

I am not saying, in the least, that any of the posters on this thread are to be blamed for what is happening, merely that no one has the right to compel a partner not to leave.
However, anyone leaving a relationship where there are DC and shared assets has a responsibility to be fair and reasonable about the division of those assets and the future of the DC. WHich is why, if your departing partner is being horrible, you have to pull yourself together enough to seek support and good legal advice.
(It is also one way of chucking a bucket of cold water over someone who does not really want to leave but is either in a romantic daze or playing unkind tricks designed to bring you to heel: a calm, firm 'OK, off you go then, this is how much you have to pay me a month and this is what happens with the house and the DC' is more likely to get someone to treat you with respect whether the person is going to leave or not, than begging and pleading.)

Then I am making a 'unilateral' decision to ask you on behalf of (admittedly only) myself, to leave this thread.

Will you respect my decision?

Or do you think there is still hope that we can engage further...

Or are you going to play the 'it's not me, it's you' card,

Or the 'I am not leaving therefore you go first' card?

Can't you just not use such horrible words?

SGB you are dumped

Parasol and glace cherries please

I have no great interest in engaging with you, UC. And as you are neither the boss of MN nor the originator of this thread, I see no need to take any particular notice of your opinion.

Personally UCZ, I would rather read SGB's posts than yours so I respectfully ask that you don't take the decision to ask her to leave a thread! Thank you!

No, no, no Stuffing, you are now referring to abusive relationships and there lies a whole different area. I am not too sure about Crazee's circumstances but when she states that she had no idea why her DH all of a sudden turned into a cruel version of himself then this is where I can relate to her because it was out of her DH's character and not something she ever expected. I had a regular, run of the mill upbringing in a happy family. I am an educated and intelligent woman with a mature, sensible head on her shoulders. My XP had a regular, run of the mill upbringing in a happy family. He is an educated and intelligent man with a mature, sensible head on his shoulders. He is not an abuser and neither has been abused. Our relationship was based on a deep love and mutual respect. He then got obsessed with a young woman who had had a very turbulent upbringing and has had quite a few difficult (one abusive) past relationships, ending in him dumping the safe, boring option (me) and going off with the new, thrilling, dangerous option (her). Our relationship would have not ended as it did if it wasn't for this woman entering his working environment. I had a right to be treated with respect because he has no excuse for his actions other than he fancied her more than he fancied me, basic fact. After all, he is still being rational enough to sort out our financial situation so he is quite capable of being man enough to face up to his problems and be considerate to his partner who he made a commitment to rather than running off as soon as a young thing flutters her eyelashes at him. If you are talking about an abusive relationship then there are obviously existing issues other than one person making a decision to end things out of the blue as in mine and Crazee's situations. You cannot compare and that is why we try to save the relationship because we thought it was good and didn't hurt us and we want that back. Plus we all react differently. If he had always treated me like shit then I wouldn't have been so shocked by his complete change of character and would be pleased to get rid. You cannot blame us for still having faith in someone we thought would never hurt us. As I have said previously, why does anyone bother getting married, set up homes together and start families if nobody believed in committed relationships and hoped for it to last our lifetime?

Stillhurtin: Of course you have a right to be treated with respect by a partner (eg a partner should neither physically/mentally abuse you nor should s/he rip you off over the family assets when the relationship ends, or try to erase you from history). But you don't have a right to keep a partner who, for whatever reason, wants to leave you. People are not property.

I have just read all the messages and noticed you have not posted for a while I hope your ok? I heard the 666 thing and the weapon stuff and the way he is behaving reminds me of my dad. My mum left as she had enough of him being selfish and I agree with her on that one! I lived with dad for a bit as I felt sorry fo him I was 16. I got dad to get dressed and took him out several times for drinks and stuff ( I was a mature 16 yr old!) I noticed with time dad became a bit strange and mentioned weird stuff did not think anything of it at first and he would be fine in front of other people but act weird in front of me. In the end I thought I was going mad. It all came to a head when I was at work and got a phone call from his work saying he was suspended due to his behaviour this took about 3 yrs to come out. I saw my dad and we went to docs he was diagnosed with depression but this was not right he saw a psycologist and was diagnosed with schitzophrenia. I dont wish to alarm you but this would explain the lucid bits then the weird bits maybe? Dad was lucid every now and then but only weird in front of me as it got worse it was in front of everyone. Dad is fine now. I have been divorced as well and my advise is simple get stuff ready for the house and splitting up I mean financial docs and get things in order it will hurt and you will be sad. But you have to do something its no fair on you. Also maybe see a solicitor and get a letter written up to give him so many weeks to get out of the house or your going to see about a divorce it might shake him up and snap out of it?! I think your being very nice about it all but its effecting you now you need to take a stand weather its to try and shake things up or end it or try again only you know. It does make me angry that the woman always has to leave the marital home. I hope your ok

I am also concerned now that he has asked about the house insurance. Looked at from one angle, he has you where he wants you and is now sitting pretty.

OTOH, 'How can someone who you have loved and claimed to have loved you, just switch like that?' and 'There is something he is not facing up to' stand out. I wonder about a double life of some sort.

My suspicion is drugs (slurring of speech and paranoia) or a gay crisis (gym and baldness and generally more attention to appearance -- the gym is often a rendezvous spot too for men on the down low)

I am worried about your 14yo and the effect being used as a message bearer by her father may be having, especially as the massages are hostile towards you. For her sake, I would tell him there will henceforth be no contact between the DD and him. How old is the older DD?

Solid, you are laughably pompous.

Happy, I didn't ask solid to leave the thread.

If anyone had posted me when my husband ran away leaving me utterly fucked you are dumped your marriage is over it could have killed me off.

I have a print out of my humanbean thread and you were shite solid.

Fact.

"Then I am making a 'unilateral' decision to ask you on behalf of (admittedly only) myself, to leave this thread."

Still, Im with you. With DB has neither been abusive or violent in the past, his behaviour is out of character. Now this might be that he is an out of love spineless swine or he genuinely does need time to think. He is treating both myself and his parents badly, which point to him having issues wider than our relationship

Im not concerned about house insurance docs, hes has dropped dumbells through the floor, MIL told me (i have an excellent relationship with her)

What SGB said was hurtful, whilst it would be easier it say ive had enough, its like Still said, its not as easy to do this when he is giving out mixed signs.

1. He still wears his wedding ring
2. Recently gave me some money to invest for him
3. Last time we spoke called me hunny

He doesnt have another women, so am i so wrong for holding on with the hope that he will come round? I am starting to get stronger and no longer teary- I think the ADs are working, I have not begged and pleaded for him to take me back in over a month. I am starting to realise that I could be fine on my own and dont need him- but i want to be with him.

I am taking one day at a time and not even thinking about the future at the moment. Whilst It would be easier to get back to the house and ask him to leave or see a solictor about divorce, this is too final. I love my DH and do respect his wish for space, on the scale of the time weve been together, whats 6 months or so. I am an intelligent women who has lost her way and been overtaken by emotion, I will not let him walk over me and when i feel stronger and more willing to tackle the situation headon,I will do so knowing that I am acting not on my emotions but have done the best i could with the situation x.

Crayzee if Solid suggests you get some balls and some good legal advice she is no doubt right.

I have been a useless, no-knowledge fuckarse for two and a half years now.

I know diddly squat and nobody should give a flying feck about my so-called 'opinion' as SGB says.

She is right really. I should stay in the fucking gutter as I am a twat

My first thought was also schizophrenia related.

Hi Crazee you sound a bit better. I don't see anything wrong with you trying to keep your marriage alive. As you say, if there is no OW then there is no harm in you having hope. He has not actually said it's totally over has he, just wants space, am I right? As my XP has someone else then I know I need to let go completely and that is hard. I cannot even be friends with him because after the way he has treated me why would I want to be friends with a gutless, sneaky, lying piece of crap? I don't have any friends like that and I'm not going to make an exception for him, it would go against every principle and value that I hold dear. How do you stay close to MIL? I cannot bring myself to contact her or any of his family again. Although I have done nothing wrong, it is like I am embarrassed and ashamed. It is too upsetting for me and I don't want to end up slagging off her son, it would not be fair. But it has been pointed out to me before that I am punishing them in some way although I see it as him punishing them through me because ultimately it is his actions that have caused the fallout. He is responsible for them losing the future DIL.
Unlikely, I was surprised at your last post, are you ok?

stillhurtin yes fine ta.

Am used to being told by sgb that my thoughts are meaningless.

Crazee, your last post is lovely. Strong. It takes character to remain constructive, in any form, when you have been totally blanked by a loved one you thought you knew after many shared years.

You have mettle. Grit. Go go go.

Dunno what else to write as I have been kicked off this thread by Happydays and solidstuffingbollox.

FFS UC!

Crazee at the end if the day you have to do what is right for you, right now. You are working through a process by doing so you will come to a decision about things that is also right for you. It all takes time and it's emotionally draining but you will get there. Stay strong.

Ho hum, here;s UC spotting another thread that's not actually All About Her and suddenly having to make it so...

Hi all,

I am having a bed few days, just waiting for him to come and take me home

Finished work on friday for Christmas, so i have lots of time on my hands to think, I have taken off my wedding ring- who am i trying to kid that he wants me back? I know im just delaying the inevitable, if he trully wanted me -he wouldnt be making me suffer like this. I am better off without him- i just wish it wouldnt hurt so much.

Both girls are staying over with him on xmas eve so that they will be together xmas morning, they have never been apart at xmas and thought at least if he didnt want me to be there- they should not miss out and then are coming to me for dinner. (Part of me is hoping that he asks me to stay to as his wife, though i know this is not going to happen, so just have to get through it.

I am going to visit family tomorrow, i feel they need an explanation as to what has happened, or the best i can give them. I dont really know whats happening in his head.

Still, I get on with my MIL as she can see that hes acting like an idiot and she really cant understand why hes treating me badly. Both MIL and FIL can see how much love I have for him and FIL says he will regret his behaviour in time. I dont know about this, mu DH is stubborn and even if he does realise what hes done, I am doubtful that he would do anything to rectify this as his pride would stand in the way- either way I think im husbandless.

I have an appointment at the CAB on Wed to find out my legal rights, im not planning on rushing into anything- just want to knwo where I stand. Im not going back to the house- I cant theres too many bad memories there now - i need to move on with my life and stop waiting for him. The rentals up on this place in May and he hasnt come around by then I need to get on with my life.

Sorry for moping, just having a bad few days, I just cant wait until bedtime and then I can shut myself away again xx

Sending you every good wish Crazee. How shitty this is coming up to Christmas. You are being very selfless to allow your girls to spend time with him and not with you Christmas morning.