this dad at the school gates - these things never end well, do they?

[MysteryWhiteGirl]

I've read enough of these kinds of threads to know that I should just run as quickly as i can in the opposite direction, possibly screaming to scare him away. And I will, I just need to get this thing (which is really nothing anyway) off my chest first.

So, there's this dad at the school gates, obviously, and it's fittingly teenage really because all he does is stare at me. That's all he does. I know i don't look great first thing in the morning, but it can't just be him wondering how anyone could leave the house looking so crap, because i'm sure he would have got bored of staring by now if that was the case.

I keep telling myself I can just go on ignoring him because I'm married, and he's married and we have two kids each and i'd never want to cause anyone's children pain, or anyone's partner for that matter, especially my own. I think i've just been thinking about this way too much because recently I can't seem to get him out of my head. He's hot, in the slightly eccentric looking way I've always had a weakness for. There's definitely a hint of Johnny Depp about him, which is like someone offering me my wildest fantasies on a plate...

It's all so massively inappropriate, and though i'm definitely not as attracted to dh as i used to be, and we've had quite a few problems, there's no way i could ever act on this.

I hadn't seen his OH before this weekend (although i'd wondered about her a fair bit) when there was this community event we all turned up to with the kids, it was quite a shock to find out she looks quite a bit like me (although i'm not sure why i find that surprising, most people have a type, i suppose). I was even more surprised to find that he was still staring at me. Insensitive prick. If he thinks i'm going to wreck two perfectly good families for the sake of sex then he's mistaken. if he's got issues with his marriage then he needs to work on them with his OH, and I know i need to do likewise. Right?

I can't believe I'm even contemplating any of this. If i was her I'd hate me, and from the look she gave me the other day she probably already does. Jeez, all this and I haven't even spoken to either of them; that's bored shitless village life for you, I suppose.

i think i'm just incredibly suggestable, maybe all you have to do is stare at me long enough and i'll want to rip your clothes off. I know i wasn't into him at all a few months back. thought he was odd. i honestly don't know what's made me change my opinion. perhaps he's actually been hypnotising me all this time, that's what it's all about

pissing myself at deepheat

ele ..I am from Manchester and I eat and talk at the same time with my gob open < was dragged up >

OP ...oh, dear

Now that's a girl after my own heart, AF

Mysterywhitegirl (and Limara) - big "aaah!" to you both.

MWG, ouch you had a hard time here, goodness knows why. I think we live in strange times, where the acknowledgement that sexual desires persist beyond marriage/partnership and are not necessarily directed only towards the spouse/partner are perceived by the majority, it would seem, as extremely threatening. It's like the Victorians after those naughty Georgians.

I don't think it's at all odd. It's nice to be perceived as attractive. As an earlier poster said, it can add a "sheen" to your day. I have views on modern mummy-dom, there's a real "thing" about the modern mummy, she's supposed to be attractive, but without having a troubling sexuality, ie. one that "leaks out" of its enclosure. Hence the bloody Boden and its friends.

Also, love gives you the gift of being seen and cherished, in your uniqueness, and desired, in all your sexy potential, by another. It's a wonderful thing (when it goes well). And someone promising you that is very alluring. It goes deep to your core.

Having children, being pulled in all directions, and the consequent way all the bits of need get pushed to one side (for "when you have time") when children arrive, can be a dispiriting experience (though obviously, a profound joy on the other). When will anyone "see" you again? I think a lot of us have that feeling.

So, on top of everything else, these crushes have the lovely effect of, bizarrely, pulling us back to a time when we had more time, were younger, indeed, had all the time in the world. Indeed, they often clear a little space in the day, where we are reflected back, whole, and sexy and desirable. What joy!

I'd say, enjoy it. Don't over-think it. And perhaps regard it as the equicalent of a calorie-free cake or latte.

Why don't you introduce yourself. If you're in a village, you're bound to meet sometime. He might be gay,(even with kids) he might be single, he might be fun. Take him for coffee, even?

At the very least you'll have more to complicate your lives with.

He sounds a bit of a weirdo. Is he in stalking territory yet?

Give him the 'evils' back.

animula - great post.

Actually, I think Op is the stalker in this scenario

Really animula?

I keep reading posts like yours about how Mumsnetters think that crushes and feeling attractions to others are abnormal and yet I've never once seen a post express that view.

Are all these Victorians on AIBU or Chat, where I rarely venture?

The posts I see (and write) acknowledge that crushes are perfectly normal and I agree wholeheartedly with everything else in your post. I do think that often, crushes happen for a reason though, as evidenced by the two main protagonists on this thread and their relationship problems.

Hence, although this thread had me crying with laughter at times, I think there's a moral in here somewhere about why a lacklustre relationship leads to wholly implausible fantasising about a stranger.

He actually is Jonny Depp and is doing some research for his next big part, where he plays a stary man in playgrounds.

Genuinely lol at this.

I like the Jonny Depp idea, have a stare back, see what happens.

I agree with animula. Great post.

Just a warning though mystery - if Starey-man starts to occupy your thoughts in most of your waking (and indeed sleeping) moments, then that's the time to start watching yourself...

However, as you've not even yet spoken to him, you are far away from any danger of this threatening your primary relationship. Perhaps chatting to this man will shatter the crush. Perhaps it's better to leave it as is and soak up the looks and give a few back.

I trust you have your outfit already planned for tomorrow's school run?! MMx

Yes possibly he will have one of those squeaky girly voices (like David Beckham) which will kill any sexual attraction stone dead

Limara: I don't like the sound of your H at all. Most benigh scenario is that this is someone with a touch of OCD or a phobia about bodily functions (is he funny about pooing anywhere but at home, by any chance)? THis can be worked on if he's willing to work on it.
However, other possibilities are that this is a sexually dysfunctional man who doesn't like women very much. How does he treat you generally? Is he kind, supportive, courteous to you, able to laugh at himself when necessary, does he do his fair share of household work? (THese are, BTW the bare minimum that should be expected from someone you actually share your life with).

Am sure there is some sort of research about how making prolonged eye contact with the opposite sex fools the brain into feelings of infatuation (or develops feelinsg of love).

It could be that at first you reminded him of someone so he looked and it started his reaction

He probably does have a crush on you (er men who stare often do) and his staring has made you notice him and it has started these false feelings or hormone reactions in you as well. Cause after all you didn't fancy him at first.

Good advice: get someone else to pick up dcs this week, wait in a different place if possible, look straight at him, meet his eyes, frown and turn away (poss pursing lips and shaking head)

And think of christmas!!

.....mmousie sets off to find pop science research thingy

StuffingGoldBrass - DH just doesn't think. When I challenged him about these issues , he understood but by then, i'd built up resentment and our sex life ebbed away because I stopped initiating it. It transpired that No. 1 & 2 on the list were his preferences rather than his requirements. He's just too tired for sex. In the week, he doesn't do anything around the house because he works and at the weekend he gets up late and can't seem to muster any enthusiasm for anything. I just wish he'd do something!

Hmm. It's not so much 'doesn't think' as 'doesn't want to think,' if that might involve paying any attention to your needs. He's decided that he's the 'person' in your relationship, and you are there to cook and clean and raise the kids.

I can't believe you put up with a relationship where you're not allowed to initiatate sex - didn't that annoy you, even at first?

Animula - your post really resonates with me. It's very true - i do feel i have to look the part, act the part, put my sexuality to one side. The stupid yummy mummy ideal has a lot to answer for. Yes it's a bit of a crush, but one which does seem to go both ways, contrary to what many posters have deduced with their omniscient presences on my school run!

In the cold light of day, having evaded his gaze completely this morning, keeping my eyes straight ahead and only glimpsing what he was doing out of the corner of my line of vision (is that impartial enough? no?) and seeing I think he probably does fancy me at least a bit. Yes there could be many other explanations but my 15 years of sexual experience with men lead me to believe this is by far and away the most likely. After 3 months of his being as blatant as you can be in a playground full of kids (ok so some people on here would have him come up and ask me Austin Powers style if he makes me horny, baby before believing that, but who gives a toss?) it dawned on me that I felt something for him too, which is why i posted yesterday.

No, i don't think we're about to embark on some kind of 'Brief Encounters' style affair based solely on rather odd staring, but if i was willing to return his gaze and maybe follow it up i don't think it's out of the question that we could get something started. Happens all the time.

Anyway, lets just say i was able to channel it into some uncharacteristically enthused extra curricular stuff with dh last night... so thanks to everyone who recommended that. I actually feel more attracted to dh as a result and less into him. result.

Limara - hope this hasn't rubbed your nose in it at all. How are you getting on this morning?

Yay! Well done mystery for channelling your reawakened sexy feelings into having a good shag with your DH!

In fact, I don't think it's a sin to sometimes imagine you're with another when you're getting intimate with OH. If it keeps the spark going between you then it's got to be a good thing.

exactly mabel, i'm pretty sure dh does the same though hopefully not all the time! and i seem to remember hearing somewhere that it's actually about the hormones released during sex that help you to bond. sort of like my brain tricking my body, or maybe the other way around?

tmi alert but when i saw him today i had this sort of 'yeah, whatever.' feeling. like i'd had my cake without having to actually eat it, if that makes sense. Post orgasmic chill maybe

Mystery - this is a good thing! You can just use starey-man's stares only as and when they are needed - to, er, 'prime' you, as it were...

yes, perhaps that way i'll keep up with dh's 'pace' a little better!

animula's post is quite possibly the wisest most eloquent take on this matter I have ever read. someone cut + paste or link to it so that it can be trotted out when this subject comes up again for someone else!