I don't fancy him anymore because he farts ALL THE TIME

[CaroJo]

I'm sorry. I know how ridiculous this title sounds and I have thought long and hard whether to post in the first place...but I really don't know what else to do.

DP and I have only been together for 5 years (getting married in 6 months), we are only in our 20s and already our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing. The reason for this is me not fancying him anymore - physically that is. I know how shallow and selfish this sounds but to me love and sex have always been two separate things. While I love DP as a person and find his personality attractive, I can't get over the fact that he farts all the time. ALL THE TIME, every day. Proper loud trumps, on average 3 times an hour, often more. The first thing I hear of him in the morning, is a massive fart. The last thing I hear before I go to sleep, is a massive fart.

I have reached the point where all I associate with the physical side of our relationship is FART! I feel like such a cow. Surely at this point in our relationship I should fancy the pants off him, no?

When I tell him how I feel, he doesn't seem to get the message how big of a deal his issue is to me. How can I get married like this? I seriously don't know what to do...I know how trivial this sounds compared to the problems other people have on here but I'm really questioning this relationship and myself :(

HAHAHAHA:

Counsellor: Caro, what's your issue with Mr C?
Caro: He farts. All the time.
Counsellor: So Mr C, why do you feel the need to fart?

ROFL

was he holding the farts in for the first two years then?

i think you need to be frank: either see the doctor about the farting or we're roommates (sounds like you're living like that anyhow).

BitOfFun,
what exactly makes you think a marriage between the two of us would be doomed? I'm really interested in hearing your opinion.

caro, I have just wet my pj's again now... am off to sort myself out...

seriously why does he need to fart?

It's the basic lack of respect, lack of willingness to take your concerns on board, and the fact that even before marriage and children you are having such major compatibility issues in the bedroom. It won't get better on its own, and I would worry that this has already killed your desire sexually forever. There has been good research done on predicting relationship outcomes where there is contempt from the early days (google John Gottman). I know you haven't mentioned contempt directly, but his behaviour, and your reaction to it strongly suggests this as the elephant in the room of your relationship.

BitOfFun,
I googled John Gottman. Do you think you can explain to me what he means exactly by contempt. Sorry if that's too hassle. I'm not a native English speaker so am not sure if I understand what he means. Off to google in my native language now.

From what I remember (in another book), the study followed newly-engaged couples, and predicted with uncanny accuracy which would stay together and which would break up before the ten year mark. This was from observing their interactions early on, and included analysing how they talked about each other, and their body-language, like eye-rolling when the other person speaks etc.

I am fairly sure (despite him not specifically mentioning frustration at your partner's farting) that he would have included that in his list of Big Red Flags.

Contempt basically feeds off lack of respect. I would say that what you are describing on your part goes beyond contempt and enters the territory of active revulsion, which is not good. For your partner's part, he is demonstrating more than contempt too: he is revealing a basic selfishness and lack of regard for you even where it is glaringly obvious that if he changed his behaviour you would both be happier.

His total lack of emotional intelligence over this issue suggests that either he has a massive sense of entitlement (not good), or is just hugely insensitive to your feelings (also not good).

Maybe he really can't help the noise. My DH farts loudly but not smelly whereas he moans about my (very occasional) silent but deadlies. He swears he can't do it quietly and it would hurt his stomach to have to keep it in all the time. He puts this down to his superior tight ahem bumhole. There's no way we could get down to business any time soon after he does it though, I really have to put it out of my mind.

The fact that he's doing it in his sleep and its so loud it wakes you both up points to a more physical problem.
I would frogmarch him back to the GP and you go with him, say how much its affecting your relationship so much that you have to sleep in seperate bedrooms.
If he honestly can't help it, then I feel sorry for him, but if he can, well I feel your pain!!

I wouldnt give a toss if hes got ibs , or a food intolerance. Ive experienced the same and its absoluteley vile , its hard to find someone sexy when the smell of their shit is wafting up your nostrils.

Theres also the issue of respect for you , he knows you dont like it but just continues ? Yet he doesnt do it at work , making it clear he cares for their opinion but not yours. Fuck that.

Its really not about farts , he doesnt care what you think and is making that very clear. You,ll probably find that he doesnt care what you think about other stuff too .

This is no way to start a marriage and will just get worse and worse in my opinion , i would delay the wedding and think about your relationship carefully.

And dont be frogmarching him to the docters , hes a grown up responsible for his own health , dont get into the role of being his mummy. Do you really want to marry a man who even at this stage , is making it clear that your feelings arent important ?

Coeliac (gluten intolerance) has a very strong genetic link (ten times more likely to have it if a parent has it) so he really needs to be tested. It's only a blood test.

BoF I don't think we can blame the elephant for the trumpeting though

OP - look - my DH farts but he goes to the bathroom to do it. He has been trained to do so by my reaction when he does fart.

Make it plain to him: sort yourself out or we're finished. Seriously. If he has a medical issue which he doesn't resolve he could end up sick and you caring for him. And all because he's a windy bottomed fool who doesn't want to go to see a GP

Having said, be kindly about it, once you have been through a few pregnancies and childbirths you may well find your body does all sorts of strange things, including noises which are unexpected!

I can't add anything other than I completely agree with BoF's every word.

It is not about farting, it is about a fundamental lack of respect.

If you were a farter, you two could fart all the day long and not bat an eyelid.

However, he KNOWS that this is really distressing for you, and he cannot be arsed to do a thing about it.

I would be totally out off by someone farting like this all the time as well - I would be disgusted.

Well it sounds as though your partner has a problem which runs in the family, what you need to do is to tell him how its affecting you and your views on the relationship and that he needs to take steps to at least minimise the problem.

You said he went to the doctor before and they gave him some generic response. He needs to go again (maybe you should go with him if he doesn't mind) and make the doctor aware this is a major issue and what can be done to either stop it or reduce the occurrence. He might need to make some changes his diet.

Holding it in really doesn't seem effective here since he needs to frequently fart. It does not sound like he is doing it for fun and you said he hates being at the centre of attention so I assume that he really doesn't like that he farts so often as well.

you cna't marry someone who farts incessantly full stop.

I do feel a twinge of sympathy for him, as I had a patch when I was a teenager when I farted literally all the time, one would come out and I immediately could feel the next one building up. Awful and embarrassing In my case it was largely dietary I think.

But having a little sympathy for him doesn't change the problem. Yes I think he should hold it in. Pain indeed - surely mild discomfort rather than agony? If it really is terribly painful to hold it in, then he needs to SEE THE DOCTOR and keep trying to sort it out. It is NOT normal to fart this much, and to fart so loudly that your partner wakes up. It can even be one of the signs of bowel cancer (obviously very unlikely if it's the only symptom, but the point is that it's abnormal).

Separately from that, I think you should cancel/postpone the wedding, consider moving out for a while, and have some therapy. It sounds as if you desperately need some space. TBH I don't think separate rooms are a dealbreaker, but they should be a positive choice rather than you being driven out of your own bed by sheer disgust.

You should watch this episode of south park which is about people spontaneously combusting because they are holding their farts in

Be warned!

"Our sex life has dwindled to nothing!"

RED FLAG!

It is one thing to admit this after 25 years of marriage.

But before any years of marriage??!!

Also, although I must admit I have had a huge fit of giggles over the farts stuff (sorry) if he is doing this BEFORE marriage I really do not think that it bodes well.

Perhaps you could attach a bag to his rear, a bit like a horse bag? (sorry but I have got a fit of hysterical giggles).

If he refuses to control his bodily functions??

Sorry, but I am crying with laughter. Not at the problem as it is obviously upsetting you, but your wording.

'Sits there working and farting all day' or whatever it was.

I am very silly and not ashamed to admit it - I think farts are hilarious.

My DH goes through stages of a lot of farting but they absolutely HUM aswell. He is like it at the mo - gets like it when his diabetes is slightly out of kilter.

We were having a good old laugh last night, actually collapsing about all over the place, as we have discovered a rat is coming in under the bath tub from outside and coming into the bolier cupboard and chewing away the wood in there.
We were on hands and knees with a torch trying to look into the rat hole with him going 'Don't worry, I'll fart the Bastard out!'

Sorry. It must be a medical problem. As others have said, it is also possible to fart silently by clenching the butt cheeks and relasing the fart slowly. If the farts don't reek, surely he can do this then everyone is happy? He is farting, which makes him happy and you don't know he is farting so are happy too?

I hope you get it sorted, as others have said, you can't get married like this. :(

It sounds like a pretty clear-cut case of food intolerance to me (been there). But I wouldn't count on your gp being much help in this - ime they only accept life-threatening true allergies as an issue, at least in the UK.

He could start by keeping a food diary, as someone mentioned, or just give up wheat and dairy in the first instance - common culprits with gut ishoos. And you don't have to give up the irritants forever - I now cheerfully eat anything I like with nary a grumble!

But I agree that if he won't do anything and cheerfully carries on you need to have a 'make or break' conversation.

I use to work with a guy who farted all the time, they must have been silent ones cause you couldn't hear them but you could smell them from highheaven! You could smell him before you saw him.

I felt very sorry for him, he obviously had some terrible stomach problem ... but I do remember thinking at the time if I was his partner it would be my duty to tell him and make him get it sorted. Its not something you can just ignore.

Has he done anything at all to try and deal with this?
I've been there, and it's horrible. It did lead to a change in my feelings for someone. The deciding factor was that he didn't fart all the time when he was at work, or out with friends, just when we were at home together. And... I got to know when he was about to do it, which was even worse!

Imagine if he did a massive fart just as you were saying your vows.

I think you should dump him. Seriously.

My DP did this, and like you, it was seriously putting me off. Eventually I put my foot down and dragged him to the GP. A number of tests and hospital consultants later, it has transpired that he has IBS. We've worked out what foods trigger the IBS and thus the farting. It's now a rare occurrence and we're both happier.

Make him go to a doctor. If he will not do that for you, that would be respectless. Having been there I can accept that he can't help it, my DP couldn't and it really bothered him, but he has to be willing to look for help.