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Original poster

would you start a relationship with a man who had cheated on his wife

145 replies

WarriorQueen · 27/11/2010 21:51

Would you ? Even if he said he was truly regretfully for what he had done.

Is it true: once a cheater always a cheater ?

OP posts:
Mummiehunnie · 27/11/2010 21:53

no way, are you dating someone who has?

kormachameleon · 27/11/2010 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spero · 27/11/2010 21:55

It would depend a lot on the circs for me.

Was it a drunken one off after a long time of misery with ex wife?

Or was it a sustained deception over many months?

If it was the latter, I would not touch him with a fifty foot pole. I think that kind of behaviour is cowardly and says a lot about someone's fundamental nature.

heyhay · 27/11/2010 21:56

i would, if i liked him enough. Everyone makes mistakes, you might be his ONE! At least he told you

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 27/11/2010 21:57

I have met someone whose marriage broke down 18 months ago. He told me be had an affair. He seems truly regretful and has been through counselling on his own to find out why he did it.

OP posts:
Appletrees · 27/11/2010 21:57

Depends if you like him, yes why not, I wouldn't trust him though, not for ages, and when he tells you what happened, you won't know if he's lying or not

but then, you never know, he might be a good guy who did a bad thing

PamelaFlitton · 27/11/2010 21:57

Depends a lot. If he really understood what he'd done, and had worked on why he did it etc. then yes.

Also, and this is not going to be popular, there are some people in this world who do deserve to be cheated on because they are despicable to their partners. So yes, it depends

SoupDragon · 27/11/2010 21:58

No. Not a hope in hell. Lies and deception clearly come naturally to him and i would be unable to trust I'm.

Appletrees · 27/11/2010 21:58

I would give it a go under those circumstances. He must be good at lying though. Or maybe not if he was caught.

SoupDragon · 27/11/2010 21:59

Him, not I'm.

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 27/11/2010 21:59

I do not know how long the affair was for. I could ask him. He told me about it as he knew it could be a dealbreaker for me so I know he would answer the question.

OP posts:
AuraofDora · 27/11/2010 21:59

maybe take a chance depending, would be wary though

AitchTwoOh · 27/11/2010 21:59

i just couldn't. i know people say 'oh well you don't know, you could find yourself in that situation etc etc, if the marriage was unhappy blah blah blah' but i just couldn't be unfaithful to someone. could my attention go elsewhere? yes. but only with honesty, iykwim?

soooooo. no.

Appletrees · 27/11/2010 22:01

Men do worse things. Sometime coldness, emotional neglect, verbal cruelty, some are worse than infidelity in my book. I don't think you have to be a bad man to have an affair, whereas I think you have to be a bad man to be cruel, neglectful and cold.

I'm just saying, it doesn't make him spawn of satan.

MaudOHara · 27/11/2010 22:02

TBH a heavy drinker / smoker would put me off more - everyone makes mistakes so a serial cheat - no, but it would depend on why and how they felt about what they had done.

Spero · 27/11/2010 22:03

I think you've got to ask for more details - there is such a wide spectrum of 'cheating' and I think it does matter which end he is at.

I agree with Pamela F - some relationships can be so miserable that the 'cheating' is more an act of desparation, just to get some affection.

I think that is a VERY different scenario to someone who is just a duplicitous wanker. If he is able and willing to deceive his partner for a long time, he would probably do the same to you whether or not you are 'his one'. Because fundamentally, he wouldn't be a very nice or reliable person, it is not about how great he thinks you are.

Appletrees · 27/11/2010 22:04

nb i don't speak from experience of being cheated on if that makes any difference

Mummiehunnie · 27/11/2010 22:06

what does a cheat mean to you, to me it is emotional abuse, as when caught they often say you are crazy etc... it is lies, it is deception, it is taking family funds to spend on ow, it is putting your health at risk from sti's, it is putting your family at risk and hurting your childen, it is selfishness and even if onenight stand compulsivness that could be repeated... you are brave to take on someone like that, when they have got away with that even with councelling they have that ingrained in their personality those traits...

Spero · 27/11/2010 22:06

I 'cheated' on my ex after he made it clear for a long time that he didn't find me remotely attractive or interesting. Someone else came along who made it clear that he thought I was both and I thought what the hell.

It was a one off and I certainly wouldn't have done it if I had thought there was any hope or future for the relationship I was in; there wasn't and it ended soon after that.

But I definitely think that is a completely different scenario from one where you actively and frequently lie to your partner to spend time with someone else.

Mummiehunnie · 27/11/2010 22:08

spero if he did not find you attractive why not leave, why have an affair?

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 27/11/2010 22:08

I have known him 13 years. We have always been excellent friends now we both single and I am starting to have feelings for him. This is his only fault so far as far as I know .... so far

I am just trying to work it through

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/11/2010 22:08

No. What korma wrote.

Suncottage · 27/11/2010 22:09

My friend married the guy she had been shagging for years behind his wife's back. He left his wife and children for her.

Now she has found out he is having an affair with a colleague.

When a man marries his mistress he create a vacancy.

There are thousands of reasons for anyone to stray and for me there are varying levels of deceit. Nothing is black and white and without knowing what his history is like it is difficult to comment.

My ex-husband was a cheat and a liar of the worst kind but I know a genuinely lovely guy who sticks with his wife and children.His wife has told him 'I never want sex again but I want to stay married to you'.

I am friends with both of them and know this is true because she has told all the female friends in their circle. Maybe he is crap in bed, maybe she does not like sex. Who knows? Maybe is it because the children are small and she is tired (Dc's of 5 and 7)

Get to know his story BUT keep a VERY open mind and a closed heart until you are sure.

Spero · 27/11/2010 22:09

I didn't have 'an affair' I had a one night stand.

I didn't leave for far too long because we had a child together and I thought I loved him.

I don't think being in that kind of situation makes me bad or immoral; just very sad and lonely and desparate.

I think there are lots of reasons why people cheat and that is why it is important to get some more info.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 27/11/2010 22:12

Well aside from the fact that a relationship would mean I was cheating on my own DH...

Seriously, I know it is not a popular view on MN but I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. People make mistakes, people do change.

It would depend on the circumstances entirely but I wouldn't rule it out.

I think you also need to be realistic: statistics suggest that 60% men cheat on their partners. A % which is likely to be higher amongst those who are no longer in relationships. At least this man is being up front and has had counselling.

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