would you start a relationship with a man who had cheated on his wife

[WarriorQueen]

Would you ? Even if he said he was truly regretfully for what he had done.

Is it true: once a cheater always a cheater ?

[gardenglory]

Haven't read all backthread, but speaking as someone who has cheated in the past, I strongly disagree with posters who say that a leopard doesn't change their spots. Some of us do learn, the hard way, the enormous consequences of our mistakes.

[gardenglory]

Sorry, I realise you are referring to his history and I am referring to the present and even though I learnt from my mistake, and never would repeat it again, I have been punished by my partner ever since.

[gardenglory]

spero - I don't think it is very fair to 'label' everyone with 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. People can learn from their mistakes;human beings are capable of understanding the consequences of their actions (or the reasons) and not repeating them.

[gardenglory]

Appletrees/ spero - agree with you.

MH - totally disagree with you saying 'those personality traits are ingrained......' - nonsense.

[Lemonstartree]

Men do worse things. Sometime coldness, emotional neglect, verbal cruelty, some are worse than infidelity in my book. I don't think you have to be a bad man to have an affair, whereas I think you have to be a bad man to be cruel, neglectful and cold.

me too. My STBExH was not (AFAIK) unfaithful to me but he is still an immature, emotionally abusive shit.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Once upon a time I would have agreed with everyone who says never trust someone who cheated (although I would make a qualified exception for otherwise loving but sexless marriages, or one where the other partner had already been unfaithful). And then I had an EA myself. I don't, in all honesty, believe it would have gone physical when it came down to having the opportunity, and am quite certain I am and always will be a naturally honest and faithful person. It was a classic example of the exit affair (not that I realised it at the time). We never actually met, it was through an online game so it was based on fantasy from the start. I was also suffering a major depressive episode at the time (subsequently diagnosed by an eminent psychiatrist). The "affair" fizzled out even before I'd definitely decided to divorce, and since moving away from XH I haven't felt the need for any kind of affair.

So... I'm with the "depends on the circumstances" crowd. However, they are also right who say tread warily if you only have the cheater's word on what those circumstances were...

[LivinInThe80s]

People do change - some for the better and some for the worse! I was with someone for four years, he was the most "moral" person I had ever met - his previous GF had cheated on him and it affected him badly. I NEVER imagined he'd cheat on me .. he did in the end though ....

[nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree]

One of the things I always find interesting on these "cheating threads" is the assumption that a man who has an affair and leaves his wife will never be again be faithful, yet a man who cheats on his wife and is permitted to stay will forever after be faithful.

Either the issue is less tied up in the actual sexual betrayal and the significant indicator of whether someone is capable of serial cheating is their ability to leave a family or people are kidding themselves as to the realities.

[gardenglory]

Also, not everyone who has an affair 'enjoys' the thrill of secrecy as is often the perception. Sometimes deeply lonely people, people who have been in a sexless marriage for years, have an unkind partner, have affairs. I am not excusing affairs - I never thought I would have done that - but there are factors,no, not excuses, which make people more vulnerable to being unfaithful.

[gardenglory]

People should not all be 'tarred with the same brush'.

[AitchTwoOh]

nancy i think that's such a good point. i think once a man has an affair to leave a marriage it points up all sorts of other deficiencies, cowardice, weakness of character etc. plus i do think if you have left once it might be easier to conceive of leaving again.

so yes, maybe it is all bound up with that stuff too. as i said, i don't think these situations are necessarily the same for everyone, nor for men and women, but that sort of behaviour is so beyond my personal boundaries that i wouldn't be able to love someone who did it.

i do think, however, that if a marriage has broken down it is reasonable to be attracted to someone else. but to pursue anything without having ended the marriage? not for me. after all, wanting to be with someone else is just a clear indication that it is time to terminate the other relationship.

[spidookly]

no

[purplepeony]

I think it is unrealistic to believe that a man or woman always ends a relationship without any involvement with someone else.

Often, the emotional attachment within the marriage has died a long time before they play around- or the affair can be the event that pushes them over the line and makes them leave, whether it works out with that person or not longer term.

People are not perfect. Without being a fly on the wall of that couple, you will never really know what was going on, and you shouldn't judge.

There are some marriages where affairs are tolerated, where one party turns a blind eye for the sake of maintaining financial security, where they really don't care, .....everyone is different.

It's how he treats you now OP- we all have the capacity for deceipt- even those people posting here who seem to believe they are whiter than white!

[EnnisDelMar]

There seems to be a generally accepted assumption that affairs are largely circumstantial.

I do believe that sometimes there is a 'weakness' if you like in a person's makeup which leads them to be more likely to have diverse relationship arrangements, including 'affairs' and so on.

Certain factors can indeed predispose a person to feel 'alright' about behaving in a less than transparent manner where relationships are involved.

It isn't always as straightforward as circumstances they find themselves in - sometimes situations are almost engineered to make an affair seem reasonable.

This is usually very much subconscious though.

[pud1]

my FIL admits that he was VERY unfaithfull in his previous marraige. this was over 25 years ago and my mil and fil have a very happy marraige.

i am not saying that this is the norm but it does happen.

[WarriorQueen]

i am very very confused but you have all given me so much to think about.

i knew him before he married and i also have spent a bit of time over the years with him and his wife when they were together, (they moved area so i no longer saw them regularly).

he never gave me any indication that he may have liked me at the time and when i asked him if he had always had feelings for me he told me that he was always attracted to me on some level but would never have gone there as i was married at the time and he sad when he married his wife he was in love with her and did not have eyes for anyone else.

the truth is that my marriage ended with my ex having an exit affair (we were having probs for 2 years running up to this and he had left twice previously)

I hated what my ex did (even though i understand why now) and I worry what it says about me if i am now considering entering into a relationship with a man that has done the same - it is almost as though i am condoning it.

i feel so hypocritical and very confused.

[gardenglory]

Ennis - I think that alot of people who have affairs do not feel 'alright' about it. And, they do not always have a 'weakness' in their makeup.

[EnnisDelMar]

No, I was remiss not to balance my point with that angle - sorry.

I didn't mean everyone who has an affair is like that. Just some.

I agree not everyone feels alright about it.

Just that sometimes, there's a predisposition due to events in early life, family set ups as witnessed by the person as a child, etc etc.

[expatinscotland]

'The only hint of a reason I have had from him so far is that his wife refused to go out with him for evenings out etc. He wanted to continue to go out and he says he carried on inviting her in the end gave up due to the fact that she did not want to. It was on these nights out that he met the ow. I am assuming she was part of a wider circle of friends and the affair started.'


He sounds like an immature arsehole. The 'going out' shit. What is he, 21?

I wouldn't even be able to stay friends with someone who ditched their family for a piece of arse because 'Waaa, she was anti-social and I still wanted to go out' much less shag someone like that.

Sure, people make mistakes, have one-night stands.

But this wasn't a one-night stand.

I wouldn't even be speaking to this person, much less sucking his dick or being seen in public with him.

[expatinscotland]

'I hated what my ex did (even though i understand why now) and I worry what it says about me if i am now considering entering into a relationship with a man that has done the same - it is almost as though i am condoning it.'

It sounds like you'd be better off going to counselling to figure out why you think you even deserve to have a relationship with someone who did this to their family.

There are 3bn men in the world and most don't behave this way.

You deserve better.

[QuintessentialShadows]

He sounds like a price twat, to be honest.

He had an affair with a random woman he met out on the town, because his wife did not want to go out with him? What a catch.

He has told you this?

If so I doubt he tells you to be honest, but to condition you. This way YOU will know what might happen if YOU dont do as he wants....

[mugggletoeandwine]

It sounds to me like he's warning you that you must go out with him or he'll shag someone else.
It makes me wonder what else you'll have to do to keep him.

I'd run a mile.

[happiestblonde]

I've done this. DP was miserable with ex-wife for years and then cheated on her (with me) and left. We're v happy I trust him implicitly and she has also moved on - the relationship was over and he couldn't handle deception so ended it straight away yet felt terrible about it. Sometimes these things happen, I don't think someone who has cheated once will necessarily do it again - I cheated on ex partners when I was younger but would never ever do that to dp. Trust your instincts.

[happiestblonde]

I've done this. DP was miserable with ex-wife for years and then cheated on her (with me) and left. We're v happy I trust him implicitly and she has also moved on - the relationship was over and he couldn't handle deception so ended it straight away yet felt terrible about it. Sometimes these things happen, I don't think someone who has cheated once will necessarily do it again - I cheated on ex partners when I was younger but would never ever do that to dp. Trust your instincts.

[AitchTwoOh]

oh balls to the 'whiter than white' thing. i just COULDN'T have an affair, i know it. it's not in my make-up. that's not whiter than white, it's just a fact. it would be selfishess, i might add, it would cause me more pain to be a liar than to tell the truth, so i would be truthful and end a relationship. but then i am not all about a relationship, and am quite capable of standing on my own feet.