would you start a relationship with a man who had cheated on his wife

[WarriorQueen]

Would you ? Even if he said he was truly regretfully for what he had done.

Is it true: once a cheater always a cheater ?

[Balletpink]

not read all of thread but:

Personally I wouldn't get involved (having learnt the hard way that guys who seem to have trouble around them generally are trouble).

Although any man can break your heart, you should be less surprised if it's the one that comes with a track record in cheating than one that doesn't. An guy having an emotional affair? sounds like someone addicted to love, with an ego, always needing that fix of being adoring and adored. They grow bored in the end and move on. IMHO.

[nogreythatmatters]

Men who boast about having affairs with married women are total w..k..s!

[WarriorQueen]

every word (obv)

[WarriorQueen]

hello everyone

and hello to everyone who knows my story......


thank you all sooooooooooo much for your advice, everyone word has been listened to and has helped me to see this clearly for what it is.

i have spoken to him and i have cooled it off. too many doubts this early were a bad sign no???


thank you all again x

[gettingeasier]

Hello WQ now I know where you've been

I have to agree with WWIFN I'm afraid. Its not so much about taking a punt on him but about being on your own a while longer and really fully recovering before any new relationships unless they are purely sexual

[Mummiehunnie]

Dont drop the baby 2 months!

Sizeten, why did he marry a waster? So he had an excuse 2 make ur bf work hard, to make it ok to cheat and laugh at her? Well your bf left it a long time to share with you, was a wedding that important? Now she has shared she has support and you can talk her around? I think you have a whole load of her stuff to look forward to, good luck x

[DontDropTheBaby]

I married a man whho cheated on his XP. the marriage lasted 2 months

[HerBeatitude]

Must just nod vigorously at what Cory said.

There's a difference between one affair, which may or may not be a mistake, and a history of being a serial shagger.

[notasize10yetbutoneday]

Mummiehunnie, I am more cynical now than I was as its only recently I've got the full story from her. The impression that was given originally was that he was 'trapped' into living with her and they grew apart, etc etc, and got the impression that when my friend came along it was a case of the scales lifting, a glimpse of true love etc. Fair enough i thought, as by all accounts the woman he was living with was a bit of a waster (apparently). But later found out that my friend wasn't the first one he had an affair with, he had a 2 year affair with another woman lasting over 2 years which only ended because she moved away.

It greatly worries me for my friend that she thinks he has reformed and would never do it to her.

[Mummiehunnie]

notasize ten, regarding your b/f, do you approve of what she and her dh have done? I don't blame you for not being convinced, have you told her? He sounds like he is enjoying having someone to revel in his behaviour and it sounds like your friend is loving it, if she is sharing it with you, I wonder how she will feel when he and next wife are laughing at her!

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

On the information you've got WQ, no I wouldn't. Obviously, I know your story and you are in a hugely vulnerable place right now. I don't think a serious relationship would be the best thing for you right now, having only recently had a marriage break-up.

Also, if I recall, you were quite insular in your marriage and didn't spend much time making and going out with friends. This is therefore the opportunity for you to enjoy singledom and reaching a peace with yourself, enjoying new friendships and being a single woman.

I think you know my stance on the issue of infidelity. I evidently don't agree that once a cheater always a cheater, but I don't have any tolerance for weak characters who wait until someone else looms into view before leaving a relationship. I think the story he has told you about his unsociable wife's behaviour leading to his "accidental" infidelity is a pile of crap tbh. He had a choice in the matter after all. Unless I had spoken to her too and heard her side of the story, I would be sceptical.

I wouldn't hold it against someone if they bitterly regretted leaving a relationship in such a cowardly way and had uncovered their own character weaknesses which had in the past, led them to have an affair rather than sort out the problems in their marriage (if any really existed, that is )

It's what he's not saying that is hugely telling. He's saying he regretted his infidelity, but not what he learned from it, or what it was about him that led him to that choice. How he would deal with a relationship differently next time around.

But that's a moot point in your case anyway. I just don't think you should be having a serious relationship with anyone right now and certainly not an existing friend.

[notasize10yetbutoneday]

This thread strikes a chord with me as my best friend has just married a man who cheated on his partner of 10 years and eventually left her to move in with my friend. She says he has told her all the 'tricks' he used to use to continue the deception whilst living with his partner, but Im not convinced.

[AitchTwoOh]

well i like to think i had a good upbringing, tbh, my parents had a loving and equal relationship. but then i hardly know anyone who is in an 'unhappy' relationship even now... i mean we all have our moans and our moments but for the most part my pals seem to bumble along quite happily with their partners. (and the ones who are not with anyone get invited too, obv. but then we don't socialise a lot in the husbands and wives style, too annoying).

i remember when my dad died and my mum experienced what it was like to be dropped by some of her coupley pals... she said it was a bit of a hurtful 'oh!' realisation when she twigged that some peopel hadn't invited her to some stuff, but she just realised that they weren't as good friends as she thought.

so i really can't relate to finding a dishonest person attractive, i guess. not that if someone has an affair they will also steal your dinner money, but if they will not control themselves while they sort their life out then that is a bit flaky for me, iykwim?

[Spero]

Aitch I think you either had a very good upbringing or have some sort of genetic resilience which makes you very lucky.

Did you hear that Woman's Hour interview with the author (Katy Reagan??) who went into therapy to be told that she wasn't a freak for being single?

the pressure to couple up, I think, is very strong and I have certainly found a lot of people treat me differently now I am no longer in a couple - quite a few couples clearly don't want to know anymore, now that I don't have a 'plus 1'

So I do feel a lot of sympathy for those who find it difficult to pluck up courage to leave. Its not just the emotional/social impact, its the financial one as well. I'm lucky I can afford to leave, but not every woman can do that.

[corygal]

A single full-on episode of being unfaithful may not lead you to 'do it again' - but I would be wary of men or women who had a history of it.

In this case, I'd suggest a history could be 2 or more episodes. Because somehow doing it twice seems to be more about the person than their relationships being bad IYSWIM.

And I'd say the longer the infidelity lasted, the worse the prognosis for someone's character.

[AitchTwoOh]

that is so far from my experience of life, it sounds awful. tbh (and i mean no disrespect to the people you know) if my dds grow up thinking that being in a relationship with ANYONE is better than being alone i will open a vein. it still doesn't make me respect a person who behaves that way, though. or fancy them.

[Spero]

Aitch, this happens LOTS. People stick their head in the sand and hope that something will happen to absolve them from the need to make a decision. I know people in miserable, sexless relationships that have been dragging on for YEARS.

Sadly, I think most of us are very fearful of leaving relationships, even if they are crap. It took me two years to leave even though I was with a man who didn't want to have sex with me, talk to me or marry me.

Fuck knows what was going on in his head all this time, he certainly wasn't happy.

But I think for the vast majority of people it takes really intense misery to enable them to make the break - OR they force a situation where the decision is made for them.

[nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree]

Look life doesn't come with any guarantees does it.

The fact that he has had any sort of affair is no more a guarantee that he will have another than the fact that a different man has been faithful doesn't gurantee he wont become unfaithful either in his current relationship or in a future one. You just don't know.

Personally I'd relax: you like him, he likes you. You have known him a long time and really that counts for a lot. See how it goes, you may decide for entirely different reasons that you are not in fact compatible or yes you might discover you cannot get over his past. But give it a try. Otherwise I suspect you'll spend an awful lot of time wondering.

[AitchTwoOh]

how does one have an emotional affair for a year without realising that the thing to do is move on and break up the relationship?

[ChippingIn]

WQ I don't know :(

Have you asked him why he became snappy & miserable around his wife?

I think that an affair that lasted a year is quite different to one that lasted a couple of weeks before 'confessing' to your partner...

Unless I knew the wife and thought she was a miserable, nagging, nightmare - then I think this would be a deal breaker for me.

[RoseMortmain]

I think the whole 'he was unfaithful once, he'll do it again' brigade have far too simple a view on this.

My dad had an affair and left my mum for his OW. 20 years later they are still together and happy and faithful to each other.

I know my dad tried very hard to fix what he felt was wrong with his relationship with my mum but my mum couldn't/wouldn't see there was a problem and couldn't/wouldn't discuss it.

My dad didn't want to break up the family and wanted to try and make things work with my mum but when OW came along it made him realise how bad things were and 6 months later he left.

I spent 10 years being told by my mum that the OW had seduced him away, she was blameless etc, etc but as an adult I have had experience of trying to discuss issues with my mum and she will NOT do it. So I have absolute sympathy with my dad for doing what he did. My dad still feels hugely guilty for what he put my dsis and I through, and my mum to a degree, as he didn't set out to hurt her in the way he did. If he could have done it any other way, he would but it all happened to fast for that.

Obviously that's just the bare bones of the situation, there was an awful lot more to it but my point is, it's not a black and white situation in 99% of marriages and once a cheater always a cheater is definitely NOT the case.

[AitchTwoOh]

hmmm, i dunno, i think emotional affairs are a bit different tbh, while agreeing with HB that being single is not the worst thing in the world, obv.

[readywithwellies]

He sounds like my Ex H tbh. I am sure his ow (who he is still with 2 years on) thinks he was the poor, neglected husband whose wife refused to go out with him and he fell into her arms. What a bitch I was, eh? As you say, there are always two sides.

If he had checked out of his marriage then why couldn't he leave before shagging someone else?

These people drive me nuts.

However, he has been for counselling (so he says) so maybe he will be faithful. I couldn't give my heart to a man I know who is capable of cheating. It is my deal breaker.

[WarriorQueen]

thanks pink xxxx

i was wondering how long it would be before i was discovered

[HerBeatitude]

"Why not just go with the moment - because I am sure that, if you do not, then he will be quite happy to move on - and probably without the endless analysis of past, motives. and so on."

So what if he is? Is the OP supposed to panic at this point, that she might LOSE him if she doesn't just accept what he says and doesn't consider her needs and priorities too deeply? Because being single is so awful, that you'd better jump at the chance of getting a boyf, even if you have massive reservations about him?

hmmm...