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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you start a relationship with a man who had cheated on his wife

145 replies

WarriorQueen · 27/11/2010 21:51

Would you ? Even if he said he was truly regretfully for what he had done.

Is it true: once a cheater always a cheater ?

OP posts:
Appletrees · 27/11/2010 22:14

I'd be more worred about te fact that he left his family, his chiodlren, than about the fact he had an affair. Did he leav his cildren?

nameymcnamechange · 27/11/2010 22:16

What has happened to the person he had an affair with Warrior? It was only a few months ago. Why is she no longer on the scene?

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 27/11/2010 22:18

He sees his ds three times week .... almost 50 / 50 split

OP posts:
TooBlessed2spendxmasalone · 27/11/2010 22:20

hell no.

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 27/11/2010 22:21

I have no idea what has happened to the woman he had an affair with... I never thought to ask tbh Confused

He told me he ended it and told his wife.... he told her before he got caught .... so he says

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 27/11/2010 22:22

It would depend on circs and attitude.

People make mistakes, they're human. Teh fact that he's been to counsellign about it and taken responsibility/ tried to get some insight into his own behaviour, is a good sign. Unless of course, he's a manipulative liar (and there's a lot of them about).

Hard to tell with this case without knowing far more about the circs in which he had the affair and his relationship, but I wouldn't write someone off automatically

Spero · 27/11/2010 22:24

Ask him:
How long was it going on for?
What were his reasons for doing it?

Original poster
WarriorQueen · 27/11/2010 22:29

Yes I need more info.... I will ask him about the circumstances ... this is really helping thank you everyone :)

OP posts:
Spero · 27/11/2010 22:32

Good luck, I agree it isn't a black and white situation. And it is not just about the mistakes we make, it's also how we deal with the consequences.

If he had a short lived affair because he was very unhappy, he now regrets it and is doing his best to save his children from the fall out of his divorce ... then I don't think he sounds like a bad person at all.

spikeycow · 27/11/2010 22:36

No I wouldn't, not after the shit relationship I've had. I'd only get involved with a man again if he was close to sainthood, no cheating, no history of violence, no wierd freaking out over nothing, financially stable, nice mother who didn't overindulge him etc. My standards are extremely high now. I might end up single forever but ho hum

SoupDragon · 27/11/2010 22:41

What is the point of asking him for more details? He is a proven liar so could you trust what he says?

Spero · 27/11/2010 22:44

soupdragon, if you take that view, there is no point at all.

But isn't it worth talking to him some more, if he seems a good man on other levels? Surely his response would be quite revealing - i.e is he glib, flippant, dismissive, does he change the details. Or does he seem genuinely remorseful about something that was shortlived?

I am not sure there are many of us who have never done anything wrong in our lives and thus can confidently take the moral highground and just damn out of hand anyone who makes a mistake.

PamelaFlitton · 27/11/2010 22:45

How can you trust what anyone says, SoupDragon? I think it's a little simplistic to say this man had an affair so you can't trust anything he says, whereas this man, who hasn't technically cheated, you can probably give him the benefit of the doubt.

There are a hell of a lot worse things in a man than having had an affair. With any man who has been in a previous relationship, there is a chance that he did something pretty unforgivable in that relationship which resulted in its termination.

I think the fact he has told you about it points that he may be more reliable. He has been honest about that. Other men may have done bad things but would not tell you about them and may not even consider them to be that bad.

SoupDragon · 27/11/2010 22:45

A one night stand is a mistake. An affair is deceit.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 27/11/2010 22:47

It would absolutely depend on the circumstances - I certainly wouldn't rule him out, but would want to know more about what happened.

Spero · 27/11/2010 22:48

Soupdragon, define an 'affair' then. Do you mean anything more than once?

What if he had sex with her twice over two weeks because his wife was treating him like crap, he felt awful about it, ended it, had counselling reaslised his marriage couldn't be saved.... etc.

Mummiehunnie · 27/11/2010 22:53

I don't see the relevance of sleeping with someone to give you the strength to leave someone abusive, surley if you are abused and realise and feel resentfull you leave and then go and shag who ever you want as you are then single...

Spero · 27/11/2010 22:55

Mummiehunnie??
It is not always about 'giving you strength' to leave. Most humans crave contact with another human being and if your partner can't or won't then I can quite understand how things happen.

Deciding to end a relationship is often a long drawn out and difficult process. I don't know many people who jacked in a long term relationship because oooo I can shag who I want when I'm single??

I bloody wish.

Biobytes · 27/11/2010 22:58

Well, he might be a liar, but it takes a lot of guts to tell a woman he has misbehaved in such way. He certainly cares about you enough to come upfront with the truth.

Having said that, I once dated someone who told me he had a friend who he had sex with after a drunken night, and that they had accidentally fallen pregnant, but that he told her that although he couldn't start a serious relationship with her because of the pregnancy, that he would support the baby if she decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. He also told me that when she decided to have a termination, he was with her, paid for the procedure and was there holding her hand for most of the process. ah, and that someone will come eventually to tell me about it.

... and so they did, so I realised that all the above where half truths, he had been chasing the woman for ages but she was not really that convinced of having a serious relationship with him. They fell pregnant after weeks of sex for the sex sake and when she decided to have a termination, he took her to the clinic, pay for the cheapest and most traumatic procedure, took her back home and... NEVER ever called her again or pick up the phone when she called him.

The former I have no problem with, the later... was a deal breaker.

So... do your research before you get attached to this man.

AitchTwoOh · 27/11/2010 22:59

tbh i think these things are different for men and women. men are not often as isolated as women are when they are in a bad relationship, so have more opportunity for affairs, but also by your 'craving human contact' definition, more opportunity to be honest about it before it actually happens. imo.

Appletrees · 27/11/2010 23:01

I'm not happy therefore I'm leaving my chilren is worse than I'm not happy and feel unloved but there must be more to our relationship I don't want to give up on it but I'm desperate and lonely right now.

Isn't it? I admit I have never been cheated on so I might have a rose tintedspectacles view, but "me" thing of I'm not leaving cos I'm not getting what I want is worse.

But are bloody chronic and awful but most people accept good people do bad things. Maybe he's one of them. Maybe he is a cunt but you need to make a judgement as you get to know him. You've known him for a long time so you can make more of a judgement than -- he did that so no not now not ever no way. People are complicated.

Appletrees · 27/11/2010 23:03

Exactly biobytes. His story sounds good and it may be "the truth" but it might not be the spirit of true truthfulness. Only you can find thatout.

Spero · 27/11/2010 23:04

Aitch, If you are not asexual, you need to know your partner desires you and will have sex with you. There are thousands of reasons why couples can't or won't communicate about this. Men may have more opportunities, but I don't see that is the point. The point is what do people do when the opportunity presents itself?

Which makes the attitude of some on here, I think, simplistic and just plain wrong.

nancydrewrockinaroundxmastree · 27/11/2010 23:05

The fact that you have known him and been friends with him for 13 years bodes well.

You must have a fairly good idea of the sort of man he is, in fact I'm not sure you can do much better than a 13 year friendship as a foundation for a decent relationship.

KangarooCaught · 27/11/2010 23:07

My father was a serial cheater in his marriage to my mother but was faithful afaik in his 2nd marriage, but his history did damage the relationship

WC, would be revealing to see how much deceit occurred in order to conduct the affair. It's a good sign that he's not blaming his wife for his infidelity, as some men do, but apportions self-blame...although sometimes men do that so they can say 'well you knew what I was like'. Is he divorced yet? How many relationships has he had since leaving the marriage?