would you start a relationship with a man who had cheated on his wife

[WarriorQueen]

Would you ? Even if he said he was truly regretfully for what he had done.

Is it true: once a cheater always a cheater ?

WC?! Sorry, WQ

I don't think 'once a cheater' at all. People and circumstances change.

I would definitely go out with someone you describe if I like them and they were honest enough to tell me about it. Hey - he didn't have to tell you, did he? Besides, if his marriage failed because of him having an affair, he'll know how traumatic and awful it all was and is more unlikely to NOT do it again, IMO.

Sorry, - I meant (emphatically!) that he is unlikely to do it again!

tbh i think the key part of that sentence was more opportunity to be honest, spero. if they are not as powerless in the relationship (and because they tend to earn more, be out of house more etc) they tend not to be, then they also have more power to be honest and not go sneaking around. imo. and i am aware that i am generalising. but i just think that in this case the OP should direct her question to dadsnet because imo a woman's reason for infidelity is often different from a man's.

The fact that he has gone for counselling about it would actually ring most bells for me, to be honest. I would see it as a sign that he can't at the moment see a reason for his infidelity. If it was a clear, cut and dried case that his ex was a prize shitbag/bitch who treated him like dirt and made his life a pure genuine misery no matter what he did to try and please her, then for me, THERE is his reason for his affair and he would not need any counselling or exploring of his feeling to tell him that was why he did it.

It's this airy-fairy counselling thing.....to me it just hints that all might have actually been not so bad in his marriage, (maybe not GREAT, but maybe just going through a bad patch) yet he STILL went and had an affair. And that's the reason he needs the counselling.

Who knows though......

Re-reading that back, I'm not sure it makes sense. What I meant to say was, I always thought that counselling was for people who needed to work through their feelings about something, particularly concerning their actions which could be damaging to themselves or others in some way. It would just make me very wary as to his "reasons" for the infidelity....i.e. that it was more his problem than hers/joint problem.

But, like I say, who knows.....

Hmmm I do know him very very well and the fact that he has done this pains me. Not just as a potential partner but as a friend. He has never bad mouthed his ex once (they are in the process of a divorce ) and he says that if he could turn back the clock he would.

He seems very switched on as to why the affair started.... I suppose due to his counselling.

I suppose it is the trust issue.... I have only heard his side of the story and therefore how can I know if it is the whole truth.

I will tread v v v carefully.

Aitch, I completely agree with you that 'sneaking around' would make all sorts of alarm bells start ringing.

But the problem here seems to be that everyone is arguing from their own definition of 'affair' and making assumptions about how much deceit that involves.

As I said earlier, this kind of behaviour must fall on a pretty large spectrum.

I wouldn't want to get involved with a deceitful person who took every opportunity to 'sneak around' but I would feel very differently about someone who acted out of loneliness and desparation.

CHA, if your partner treated you like shit then it would be reasonable to go into counselling to try and work out why you got into this relationship/let it develop in that way?

Yeah, hadn't really thought of that as being a reason for attending counselling, Spero. You've got a point there.

But in this case, the OP has just said that in actual fact, he never badmouthed his wife. It could be that he is good bloke and just wouldn't do that, or it could be that he has nothing to badmouth her about.

Whatever....as you say, OP, you are only hearing one side of the story so you are very right to be wary. I would tread very carefully if I were you.

Just read the last two posts ....
He admitted affairbto his wife and she forgave him and wanted to work things out. He went to counselling to try and save his marriage......

The only hint of a reason I have had from him so far is that his wife refused to go out with him for evenings out etc. He wanted to continue to go out and he says he carried on inviting her in the end gave up due to the fact that she did not want to. It was on these nights out that he met the ow. I am assuming she was part of a wider circle of friends and the affair started.

His exact words:
I checked out of my marriage long before I had the affair but never had the guts to tell my wife.

From what he has said (or not said) I don't think his wife was in the wrong.

WQ - I would actually be reassured by what he said. Although he acted wrongly and was a coward, in my experience, far more men just carry on with a dead relationship and don't have the courage to end it, which is a horrible and unfair thing to do to your partner. It seems as if he may have learned some valuable lessons and gained some insight.

But only you can know, trust your instinct. He sounds like he is being honest with you.

not giving away much info reminds me of my abusive, cheating ex, the less info they give the less chance they have of being caught out in lies, it is something that I look out for in people in general, if they are too deep or keep things too close to their chest, then alarm bells go off now a days....

WQ why do you call this a 'hint of a reason'? It sounds like a pretty clear reason. IF course it doesn't make his wife a bad person because she wouldn't socialise with him, but I can see how this could be a deal breaker in a lot of relationships, it certainly contributed to the breakdown of mine. It was horrible to think that the person I loved didn't want to spend time with me, wasn't happy to be around me, etc, etc.

PIty he couldn't have gone with his wife for the counselling before they got to the stage of him going out on his own......

Seems wierd that she didn't want to go out with her own husband, and some women on here will be crying "Oh well, it's her fault if he wanted her to go out with him and she just turned him down all the time......"

But for all you know, OP, his wife didn't want to go out with him because he turned into a pissed-up arsehold when he was out or ignored her and she didn't enjoy that.

The point is, the only 2 people who will ever know the reason for the affair are this man and his wife.

Once a cheat always a cheat, IMO it is always black and white

Did he communicate that to his wife? My ex sent me a valentines card weeks before leaving me telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was with me, then suddenly he was not happy and left, he had been complaining for some time of depression and stress from work, then he decided that it ws not work it was me that was the problem.... he would not go and see a gp or counsellor when he was with me, well he did have one session with a counsellor alone and two with me as a couple and would not go to it anymore, he then had loads of theapy for ow, suppose she was worth more than the family he created with the children!

Warrior, if you have been his friend for such a long time, I'm sure you may know other friends who are closer to the wife and may tell you a bit more of what happened from the POV of the woman. Then you can balance them against each other and make a decision.

IMO Wanting to go out while his wife didn't is NOT a reason to have an affair. BUT it shows that perhaps he finds it difficult to adapt to family life (you know, when wife may not want to go out as often as before because there are children that need to be cared for or because a babysitter is not affordable to them, and husband does want to continue living as if he was.... pretty much single and free from responsibilities?.

Macdoodle, so someone in my suitation who had a one night stand out of desparation, is now excluded from further relationships because we will 'always be cheaters' ???

I hope that is not true.

Hhhm. I said hint of a reason because I would have thought that as a highly social person (as he is) he would have realised that his wife was not as social when he married her.... therefore why suddenly a problem now and not at the beginning ? I guess because they had kids and her priorities changed further ?

If this the case then he may have not adapted to family life well ..... but to me this is a very bad sign as u have two dcs.

I guess he could have changed towards her when drunk.... but I have personally never experienced a nasty side to him when he was drinking.

I think more likely she wanted to have a life centred around their children but he wanted to still go out. ??

I wouldn't. Because someone who can be unfaithful has qualities that I would hate - they lie, deceive - they can look you in the eye, know what they are doing to you and act like everything is ok.

That's not a person I would like to be intimate with. When they looked me in the eye, I'd always be wondering...

Wouldn't start a relationship with a man I already knew to be like this, I mean.

Yes, but only if I understood why and was Ok with that on some level.

I think relationships are very complicated things.

But it would depend on the man and whether I actually loved him or not.

You can love someone without approving of everything they do.

which is very odd. Also, I would not marry him, if I knew he was someone who could not be faithful. that would be pointless. But a sporadic relationship, a deep friendship, something like that, yes.

I agree with the person who said it doesn't mean he is a bad man. there has to be a good fit in so many ways, and if he is the one person who makes you really, really happy and content, then this might not be your priority in terms of qualities he needs to have.

Be careful Warriorqueen.

What I am saying is I would have a relationship. This would not necessarily be an exclusive relationship, ie I would not expect it to be just me and him, because I would know that this was unrealistic.

I would consider being with him only in the sense of a casual, non committed set up, no questions asked and things taken very much in the moment and at face value, while being aware of the fact he is possibly seeing another person as well (or definitely is)

It is unusual to be alright with that. I know I'd be alright with it, but I think a lot of people expect exclusivity, ie that he will choose them and no one else, and in that case you might be disappointed.

I would also say that having known him 13 years and not yet had a relationship with him, there could well be a good reason for this, and you might not be aware of it on a conscious level. Perhaps you are just feeling lonely right now?

Just to sum up, I would not have a relationship with someone who had cheated and expect them not to cheat on me. But it depends what you want from it.