would you start a relationship with a man who had cheated on his wife

[WarriorQueen]

Would you ? Even if he said he was truly regretfully for what he had done.

Is it true: once a cheater always a cheater ?

[YuleBeLucky]

DH cheated on his partner (who he was living with, although not married to) with me. It was an emotional affair, at least. We didn't consummate the relationship with so much as a kiss until they had split up, but the intention was definitely there on both sides. I was completely bowled over by him, and him by me.

DH and I have been together for 10 years now, have two children and I have no reason to suspect him of cheating. He never, ever has or would bad-mouth his ex to me, by the way. He never fed me corny lines about her 'not understanding him' or 'it all being her fault'. He was brutally honest at the time, and to this day: 'I liked her a lot, I thought I loved her....and then I met you'.

Yes, you could argue he will do the same to me one day, but I doubt it myself. He is a very devoted husband and father, and I think he would have a very sad life if he abandoned all he has got now for another woman. But people are free to make their own choices, ultimately, so we'll see...

His ex was obviously very upset at the time, but agreed the relationship was 'dead in the water' and has also moved on and married, had children etc.

Things aren't always black and white.

[AitchTwoOh]

yes but yule, imo there's the honour, the ability to hold yourself back from doing anything until honesty has prevailed with the existing partner.

[SpiritualKnot]

Wonder why his wife didn't want to socialise with him? Similar happened with me and my soon to be ex. Used to go out with ex who'd get very drunk whilst I stayed sober and ferried him around..felt like a taxi driver.

Also he would slag off everything about the place we'd been, the people, the house, the service or whatever. Going out with him turned into a mega pain and so I stopped. Hekept going and ended up having an affair.

Not saying your chap is like this...but just wondering if there's a reason she didn't like going out with him?

[EnnisDelMar]

I couldn't either Aitch.

I've tried it. I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't really around much, and was cross about it, and decided to start something with someone else I thought would be 'better for me'. Of course this was totally unfair on the new person, because I found myself unable to walk away from the other one as easily as I had imagined, and saw him again a couple of times. I told the new one, who was fed up but understanding.

Me and the new one then broke up, but mainly because I didn't like the new one enough to go out with him anyway...we were still in the getting to know stage.

It was a horrible feeling trying to stop myself going to see the chap I was trying to leave, and trying to deny I still loved him, both to myself and to the person I had started seeing.
Nasty feeling and despicable behaviour.
It was unsustainable. And very, very uncomfortable, and I couldn't do the lying bit, though I attempted to hide my movements one time, and failed.

I was working through my own crap in my head and should never have involved the second person in the first place - very selfish.

[HerBeatitude]

Hmm, the reason for his affair seems a bit flimsy tbh - his wife didn't want to go out with him? Why not? Was it because she'd had a baby and he was under the impression that that shouldn't have had a massive impact on her life, seeing as how becoming a father wasn't having a massive impact on his?

If that were the case then tbh I'd run a mile. Not just because of the affair, but because it would mean that he was utterly selfish, immature and frankly a twat. Unless he had a really really clear insight into that and honestly knew that he'd been a total twat, then he still is one.

However, if I'm interpreting too harshly, apologies.

[WarriorQueen]

i think deep down i have an issue with it - otherwise why would i want to be on here asking you guys about it??????

nothing has happened between us at all..... but he has made it clear that he wants something to happen but this is sticking in my throat.

he is telling me he never ever wants to behave that way again and he now knows what he wants from life and that is to enjoy taking care of his son and being in a relationship with someone who he can share life with....

i told him that surely this should be the mother of his child,,,, and that if he sees where he went wrong why can't he fix it.

he responded by telling me that if he could change the way he feels about her he would but that he just no longer loves her and that
he hates the person he becomes when he is around her (miserable and snappy)

i believe he knows that what he did was shit but it still does not change the fact that he did it and i feel as though i have to forgive him before anything can happen and how can i when i still have not forgiven my ex?????

so why do i feel so attracted to him? i think about him alot and want to be with him too.......

[Mummiehunnie]

He hates the person he is around his ex wife ... miserable and snappy, what if being around you makes him miserable and snappy?

[Mummiehunnie]

I mean in the future if you don't fancy going out as much as he does?

[WarriorQueen]

he knows he was a twat i truly believe he is sincere and regretful for what he did

but has he changed?????

the thing is that because we are friends already then this probably won't start out in the usual way - we already know a lot about each other and i am aware that will be skip the first date scenario and the getting to know you phase when things are quite casual in a relationship, at the beginning.

we will jump straight into a semi serious relationship and i feel that this is quite a bit of pressure.

[WarriorQueen]

yeah i have though about that mummiehunnie,i am social .....but things and people change.

[QuintessentialShadows]

why will you skip straight into a semi serious relationship?

Whose idea is it to skip the dating stage?

To be honest, if I were in your position, I would ESPECIALLY take it slow and "date", and for sure not sleep with him straight away.

I think you have already made up your mind.

And he will know that you know what sort of person he is, so should not be surprised in the future if he starts shagging about.

Fgs, you dont hear the alarmbells?

He is a father, he was married, his wife, the mother of his child did not want to go out with him, and he chose to start an affair? Lies and deception just because she did not want to GO OUT???

He sounds like an immature 20 year old. sorry.

I would also not believe a thing. I would not believe that he came clean to his wife before she found out. Unless he wanted to punish her and do a "see, what you made me do silly woman, you did not want to go out with me, and now I have found somebody else to shag and have fun with. poor me"

[tadpoles]

I think he is completely nuts to have given you that level of information which it sounds as though you could use to beat him over the head with.

From what you have said he checked out of the relationship some time before but couldn't pluck up the courage to do anything about it. This is very, very common in long term marriages/relationships especially where children are involved and a break-up can be so traumatic. So people chug along until, hey presto, they fall for someone else. Then there is a crunch time - do they take the risk of ending the existing relationship which is okay, if lacking in passion, on the hunch that this next person might be "the one"? Do they have a secretive affair to check out whether this person really is "the one" without throwing in a marriage with kids and all that that entails (a popular option, especially for men) or do they resist the temptation and carry on as before, doggedly sticking to the marriage vows but secretly resentful that they passed up on an opportunity for something that may have been better than what they already have?

Another aspect of all this is that, however painful it is for all involved, people also have affairs to "test" the primary relationship. Sounds like this is what this man did, and he found it lacking in that even after counselling he did not want to stay in the marriage.

I also agree that there are far worse things in a marriage than infidelity. A friend of mine's (thankfully ex) husband is one of the most self-righteous, selfish bullies that I have ever met - but he prides himself on his (supposed fidelity - although I wouldn't trust him on this). She, on the other hand, had a brief fling (not difficult to have fallen into another pair of arms in her case) and he has used this appalling "crime" to beat her over the head with, make sure she got an appalling divorce settlement and poison her children.

Nice guy, eh? But always faithful and appalling self-righteous - I think that is one of most unattractive personality traits.

[AitchTwoOh]

if they've been friends for a while, maybe WQ had the information as it was going on? it's not that i think once a cheater, always a cheater, but the moral calibre of man who would leave a wife in the house and goes out and meet someone else behind her back... he just wouldn't be for me. but you know what... your gut instinct here is is the one to trust.

[AnyFucker]

You sound like you have too many doubts

Or else why post here ?

Our previous life experiences always shape how we view our relationhips, so why would you attempt to dismiss your alarm bells ?

I have no idea if this bloke is a serial cheat or not. It doesn't really matter, does it ?

You obviously don't feel comfortable with his past, and will probably never trust him.

So I say, keep him as a mate and find a new romantic partner. There are lots of them out there, yes, as we get older, we all have more "baggage" but some baggage is more of a warning sign than others.

Trust your instinct...it is usually attempting to serve you well.

[WarriorQueen]

hi AF

I have only one doubt really,,,,, will he do the same to me?

i have asked him many questions tonight

the affair lasted a year - it was an emotional affair, he ended it, he told his wife, he was not caught.

with regards to the reason, i have more info

his wife had thrown him out because she had had an argument with his sister and when she found out he was still speaking to his sister she gave him an ultimatum - your sister or me - he refused to choose and she threw him out.
this coupled with the fact that she would not go out - he says this is because she did not trust anyone to look after their ds at the time not even her own parents, so they never went out together.

i asked him so many questions tonight and he answered them all very honestly.

[AnyFucker]

well...that one doubt is quite a humungous one, isn't it ?

it's your call, love

[WarriorQueen]

i know it is the biggie

[mamatomany]

Dh had an affair before he met me with a complete fruit loop who turned bunny boiler on him. It has made him see the error of his ways and he vows he would never loose everything for a fling again.
However i don't trust him 100% which i believe you should really, is he worth the risk i guess ?

[tadpoles]

Oh for god's sake you lot! You are so controlling.

You cannot anticipate what will happen in the future - yes, he might cheat on you/come out as gay/fall under a bus.

On the other hand: you might - decide he is not right for you/you meet someone you prefer.

Why not just go with the moment - because I am sure that, if you do not, then he will be quite happy to move on - and probably without the endless analysis of past, motives. and so on.

[pinksmarties]

Hi WQ, will he do it to you ? Who knows,

but just because he did it before doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you too.

I didn't go out in the evening with my exh much because I had no confidence and I just prefered staying at home, simple as.

The thing that would bother me is that you'll only ever know what he tells you, his side of things.

He won't tell you if he was really vile or nasty etc to his wife. He certainly was a coward.

My exh probably tells people, including his gf that he was unhappy at home etc, the thing is that he never told me, in fact I was the last to know. He's MR wonderful to his gf and new friends, it's only me and our DC who know the real truth about him and for that reason I'll never trust any man again.

Saying that though, any man can break your heart, whether they've done it before or not.

If I were you, I would play VERY hard to get for as long as I could, you're a VERY good catch, he needs to earn you. x

[HerBeatitude]

"Why not just go with the moment - because I am sure that, if you do not, then he will be quite happy to move on - and probably without the endless analysis of past, motives. and so on."

So what if he is? Is the OP supposed to panic at this point, that she might LOSE him if she doesn't just accept what he says and doesn't consider her needs and priorities too deeply? Because being single is so awful, that you'd better jump at the chance of getting a boyf, even if you have massive reservations about him?

hmmm...

[WarriorQueen]

thanks pink xxxx

i was wondering how long it would be before i was discovered

[readywithwellies]

He sounds like my Ex H tbh. I am sure his ow (who he is still with 2 years on) thinks he was the poor, neglected husband whose wife refused to go out with him and he fell into her arms. What a bitch I was, eh? As you say, there are always two sides.

If he had checked out of his marriage then why couldn't he leave before shagging someone else?

These people drive me nuts.

However, he has been for counselling (so he says) so maybe he will be faithful. I couldn't give my heart to a man I know who is capable of cheating. It is my deal breaker.

[AitchTwoOh]

hmmm, i dunno, i think emotional affairs are a bit different tbh, while agreeing with HB that being single is not the worst thing in the world, obv.

[RoseMortmain]

I think the whole 'he was unfaithful once, he'll do it again' brigade have far too simple a view on this.

My dad had an affair and left my mum for his OW. 20 years later they are still together and happy and faithful to each other.

I know my dad tried very hard to fix what he felt was wrong with his relationship with my mum but my mum couldn't/wouldn't see there was a problem and couldn't/wouldn't discuss it.

My dad didn't want to break up the family and wanted to try and make things work with my mum but when OW came along it made him realise how bad things were and 6 months later he left.

I spent 10 years being told by my mum that the OW had seduced him away, she was blameless etc, etc but as an adult I have had experience of trying to discuss issues with my mum and she will NOT do it. So I have absolute sympathy with my dad for doing what he did. My dad still feels hugely guilty for what he put my dsis and I through, and my mum to a degree, as he didn't set out to hurt her in the way he did. If he could have done it any other way, he would but it all happened to fast for that.

Obviously that's just the bare bones of the situation, there was an awful lot more to it but my point is, it's not a black and white situation in 99% of marriages and once a cheater always a cheater is definitely NOT the case.