Sunday Night Row - Am i being ridiculous?

[Esme69]

Ok, another sunday night spoiled by a silly disagreement. Help me out here, and give me your opinions.

We have a tv room and also a "good" sitting room in our house. Me and Dh have been using the good room now more at this time of the year as it has a fireplace and we have been lighting the fire a lot.

In this room, instead of a coffee table there is a beautifully and expensively upholstered ottoman which I got done a few years ago. It is not possible to wash or clean this as it is totally upholstered into the wood frame, so if I am putting my feet up on it which I often do, I would always remove my shoes first, and have asked my dh to do the same. Usually he ignores this request until I remind him, or ask him does he want me to put on the loose cover so he can put his fett up without removing shoes but he usually takes off the shoes at that point. The thing is my dh would come in to the house with wet feet, not wipe his feet, never removes dirty shoes before going on to carpet and its one of his pet hates people who excpect you to remove your shoes in their house.

I am not requiring him to do that, just ot not plonk the shoes he has been wearing outside in the wet on this lovely fabric in the nicest room in the house. I dont think this is unreasonable.

Tonight, he stuck the shoes up on the ottoman, I asked him to remove the shoes, normally he would do so, this time he just rolled his eyes and said this was ridiculous and he just wanted to relax in his own house and that if he took off shoes his feet would be cold, FFS in front of a roaring fire, and then he just went ahead and put the feet up shoes and all.

I am PISSED off with him cos even if he thinks I am being silly, he could respect my wishes, not LEAST becuase he messed up our weekend by going out drinking really late with his brother fri nite (till 3am) and came home and passed out in the kitchen, I was awake till he got home and then couldnt sleep for ages after cos he has form on this, and was so tired the next day I could not take my dd to ballet lesson in the next town, and had to look after our dc while he was hungover, AND we were having people to dinner last night and I had loads to do to prepare for that.

This evening he apologised profusely for being a selfish prick and disrupting our saturday and promised to not repeat that. but in those circs i would have thought tonight he might have at least respected my wishes even if he did not agree with them

I feel that he is such a selfish man who really always puts himself first and even when he says sorry never really practically tries to make amends or show his remorse..

This is a bit long and rambling, but feeling really disprespected, i went up to bed early instead of watching a programme we were meant to watch together, i said goodnight but did not kiss him and now he will come up soon and make a big deal out of this, my not kissing him, will say that I a making way to much out of this whole issue and that I am pathetic for reacting like this

Am i?

This is not about the ottoman or the shoes.

Tell us about his drinking - regular occurance for him to be that bladdered, or seldom happens?

No, you are not being ridiculous.

He is being inconsiderate. It costs nothing to take the shoes off. My H is the same, but we don't have a lovely ottoman, nor a good sitting room

I'd say that perhaps the Friday night piss up has contributed greatly to your resentment of him, and with good reason.

Let him stew tonight and talk to him tomorrow and say that strike one is the drinking till he's wasted, strike 2 was passing out in the kitchen and being generally useless all day, and then the shoes is the last strike.

Say to him you understand he may think that the last row is silly, but not when you put the entire weekend into perspective.

Make a stand, he is being inconsiderate. Hold out for an apology. Worth a shot...

Buy him some slippers, I hate people that don't take their shoes off, it ruins carpets and furniture. Not only that, what if he walks in dog poo or similar, he'd walk through house with shoes still on? How disrespectful.

No its not regular Blocked, happens around 3 times a year now, (though in years gone by it was more regular, like once every 3 weeks or so) he took it in hand and it really doesnt affect me so much anymore.

Actually it really IS about the footstool and his ATTITUDE to this sort of thing, the way he says "ITS my HOUSE too and I should be able to relax" and steadfastly refuses to remove shoes for anything at all.

He justcame upstairs and got me out and bed and made me come down to switch off our outside lights from a handheld device, which we have had for two years, and he now claims that he cannot work it. He just did that because he is pissed off at me, and wanted to get back at me in some way for the footstool. When I rolled my eyes at this and he went off on one, effing and blinding and accusing me of speaking to him with contempt..He banged his fists off the wall.

Actually I dont know what the fuck is up with him tonight..

Shoes on furniture - passive aggressive.

This whole thing sounds like a 'communication leading agreement' failure to me.

Yes LittleMiss this really annoys me too though i have had to learn to live with it. He insists his shoes are clean, but he was out and about in them today, he does not possess slippers and would not be seen dead in them.

He came up a few mins ago and did one of his apologies, where he apologises and then proceeds to qualify the apology with explaining how it was all my fault as I wound him up.

This is awful. I am exhausted after fri night and entertaining friends last night (to 3am) now this shit and I have to be up and at it for the school run tomorrow, (have 4 dc in primary school.)

Doodlez - what do you mean, which of us is being PA?

What is communication leading agreement?

I think he's being passive aggressive - I'm gonna put me dirty shoes on this thing because I bloody well can and it's my house too......

whereas you want him to think....

I won't put dirty shoes on this because it cost a lot of money and we want to keep this room nice!

He's not on the same page as you regarding the house, what's important, what's acceptable - therefore, it's a communication break down and it's a power struggle!

So how do we solve it??

BTW - you are not being unreasonable.

I too, like your DH, hate being asked to take my shoes off when I visit someone's house, however, it's just plain stupid to trash your own house for the sake of taking yer ruddy shoes off and either walking around in your socks or putting a pair of slippers on - it's just DUMB! Tell him I said so please!

I wish I could but he would fail to see the humour as he is pretty humourless at times like this.

We are not a no shoes house, except for the kids who I try to encourage to take shoes off when they come in, but not the end of the world if they forget.

If its in our tv room and its the leather sofa I couldnt care less if he puts his feet on it, but I just HATE him putting his shoes on the fabric ottoman or indeed on the beautiful and expensive fabric sofe which I schlepped around for months to find, without any help or interest from him at all,

Its his attidue which sucks and now this competely over the top hissy fit reaction to me being irritated at being gotten out of bed to perfom a simple task he has managed to achieve hundreds of times, its bloody unfair, particualry as he is the root cause of my NEEDING to be in bed early tonght.

easy answer ..

"I've forgotten how to use it!"

"Oh dear. So have I. Goodnight."

I also think the ottoman/shoes are only a small part of this. There's a lot more (or rather less) going on in terms of basic communication.

i totally respect that this is your house and i completely understand it when you say that you should be able to do what you want. The ottoman is important to me and i realise that we both don't attach the same importance to it. That is absolutely fine. Now you understand that the ottoman means so much to me, pleae could you take your shoes off...not becuase you see it as your right to keep them on, but more becuase we love each other and we should recognise when something is important to the other person.

i think the ottoman issue is hot off the heels of a weekend filled with twatish behaviour - IMO the dh should be doing some serious arselicking rather than being contrite and annoyed.

I would simply have removed the Ottoman from beneath his feet....his precious feet could shove right off. That's just rude!

I guess if nothing else the loose covers need to become a permanent feature.

However I agree with everyone who says it's not just about the furniture. To you it's about the furniture, but to him it's about Making A Statement. He may well be projecting his own motives to you, ie he believes that you want him to take his shoes off because it's your place, not because of the perfectly logical reason you've given, so he has to be awkward back in order to save face. Sounds kind of twisted but you'd be surprised, as no doubt a straightforward person yourself, how many people have a strangely complicated attitude to what should be a simple issue.

I have to say I wouldn't have got up to turn the lights off, I'd have said "don't be ridiculous" and stayed in the warm. Or, to be honest, more likely I'd have got up and done it, then thought afterwards (possibly months afterwards!), "'Ere, wait a minute..."

Well, we´re a "shoes off" house.

But even if we weren´t, shoes on furniture is always a no no, isn´t it?

And just because he can, doesn´t mean he should.

To me his lack of respect for the furniture=lack of respect for you.

Hmmm I kind if agree with him about the Ottoman. It is his home, he should feel comfortable in it.

You seem to attach great importance to this "good" room. Does he even want to have a room in his home where the state if the furniture is more important than the composure of the people using it?

I would HATE to live in a house with a "good" room and being constantly told where I could put my shod feet would drive me demented.

I can see why you're pissed off about the drinking and passing out. I don't understand why you got up to use the switch for him.

Are you a bit of a control freak and did he know there was no way you'd leave the light on all night even if it meant acceding to his ridiculous request?

It's not about the ottoman.

it's about you each trying to control the other

You want him to take his shoes off the ottoman (not an unreasonable request at all).
He wants not to be told what to do by his wife (ditto).
To regain control, he wanted you out of bed to switch some lights off (ffs, behaviour of an idiot).
But he has a point about being able to do what he likes in his own home.

It sounds like you're each stuck in a game of oneupmanship.

I think you need to speak to an independent third party if that's the case. But maybe I'm extrapolating too much from a few incidents.

And I think what custardo has said is spot on.

On a practical point, why not get both the sofa and the ottoman scotchguarded? That way, it here are any marks, they could be dealt with easily.

scotchguard the passive-aggressive twat instead

job done

Thanks for all the replies! Lol at scotchguarding my dh!

BTW does scotchguard actually work for this sort of thing?? I thought that stuff was only for suede shoes and the like.

He came to bed soon after and apolgised. He said he really couldnt work the hand held device to get the lights off and he wasnt trying to wind me up by getting me up to do it, he just didnt like leaving outside lights on all night. I was half asleep at that stage and wasnt going to go into it again, so just mumbled an acceptance of apology and went to sleep.

He asked again this am if we were ok and apologised again, BUT he is still going to put his shod feet up on the ottoman but ONLY when I have the loose cover on it, and will not plonk his shoes up on the arm of the sofa when lying on it.

Now I TOTALLY agree with all who say he has a right to be comfortable in his own house, and I am not a rabid control freakish cleaning type who frantically rearranges seat covers behine people and frets at the tiniest of marks, tbh I couldnt give a darn about stuff that can be washed clean, and I cna live with the odd wine or coffee stain. Outside dirt on nice fabric seats I am not too keen on.

But essentially to me it is about respecting the other person and not doing something that they dont like. I would not behave in a way that made my dh feel uncomfortable and dont see why he should.

I was brought up to look after good things, I hate to see stuff being abused. For eg my dh is too lazy to bend down and close the dishwasher door so he kind of kicks the door up from the ground and bangs it shut, leaving a black mark on the door from his shoe, and I'd say damaging the hinge while he is at it. He doesnt look after stuff, he has a lovely car and its like a tip inside. The only thing that he lavishes care and ocd levels of attention on is his bleedin golf clubs, which are polished to within an inch of their life regulariy.

I have respect for nice stuff, i like to look after things but I am not obsessively so, at least I do not think so.

He treats stuff, including me sometimes with a lack of respect that really annoys me.

On friday night I texted him at 2am, he rang me back, told me he was on his way home then he promptly switched his phone off and didnt turn up till 3.20am.

Lack of respect for me, pure and simple.

He is sorry for that, and I have accepted his apology. But I am still very pissed off with him about it, and lasts nights Ottoman-gate just was the friggin icing on the cake!

I tend to agree with Spidookly. The guy doesn't like to take his shoes off in his own home but you went out and bought an ottoman that should not have shod feet put on it. Why would you do that to him? If I were in his place I'd probably put my feet up regardless.

On the other hand his behavior with the outdoor lights is ridiculous. And the getting so drunk it ruined the weekend then not being on best his behaviour seems like the actions of someone who feels trapped in his current life but is too much of an idiot to deal with it like a grown up. So I suggest it isn't really just about the ottoman. Maybe you both need to sit down and talk candidly about what you want out of life.

I just don´t get how people can put their feet up on the sofa with shoes on.

Never mind if they´re dirty-it just isn´t comfortable imo.

When you´ve been out all day, don´t you just want to get your shoes off when you get home?