Sunday Night Row - Am i being ridiculous?

[Esme69]

Ok, another sunday night spoiled by a silly disagreement. Help me out here, and give me your opinions.

We have a tv room and also a "good" sitting room in our house. Me and Dh have been using the good room now more at this time of the year as it has a fireplace and we have been lighting the fire a lot.

In this room, instead of a coffee table there is a beautifully and expensively upholstered ottoman which I got done a few years ago. It is not possible to wash or clean this as it is totally upholstered into the wood frame, so if I am putting my feet up on it which I often do, I would always remove my shoes first, and have asked my dh to do the same. Usually he ignores this request until I remind him, or ask him does he want me to put on the loose cover so he can put his fett up without removing shoes but he usually takes off the shoes at that point. The thing is my dh would come in to the house with wet feet, not wipe his feet, never removes dirty shoes before going on to carpet and its one of his pet hates people who excpect you to remove your shoes in their house.

I am not requiring him to do that, just ot not plonk the shoes he has been wearing outside in the wet on this lovely fabric in the nicest room in the house. I dont think this is unreasonable.

Tonight, he stuck the shoes up on the ottoman, I asked him to remove the shoes, normally he would do so, this time he just rolled his eyes and said this was ridiculous and he just wanted to relax in his own house and that if he took off shoes his feet would be cold, FFS in front of a roaring fire, and then he just went ahead and put the feet up shoes and all.

I am PISSED off with him cos even if he thinks I am being silly, he could respect my wishes, not LEAST becuase he messed up our weekend by going out drinking really late with his brother fri nite (till 3am) and came home and passed out in the kitchen, I was awake till he got home and then couldnt sleep for ages after cos he has form on this, and was so tired the next day I could not take my dd to ballet lesson in the next town, and had to look after our dc while he was hungover, AND we were having people to dinner last night and I had loads to do to prepare for that.

This evening he apologised profusely for being a selfish prick and disrupting our saturday and promised to not repeat that. but in those circs i would have thought tonight he might have at least respected my wishes even if he did not agree with them

I feel that he is such a selfish man who really always puts himself first and even when he says sorry never really practically tries to make amends or show his remorse..

This is a bit long and rambling, but feeling really disprespected, i went up to bed early instead of watching a programme we were meant to watch together, i said goodnight but did not kiss him and now he will come up soon and make a big deal out of this, my not kissing him, will say that I a making way to much out of this whole issue and that I am pathetic for reacting like this

Am i?

Esme, I think you were very honest about your communication style in your last post, and what you've said may shed some light on your DH's more prattish responses. I think it's quite possible that he feels intellectually inadequate next to you, and it sounds as though on some level you're probably aware of it and have tried to harness this to your benefit. I don't think you've done this in a malicious way at all, but because your DH can't keep up he becomes frustrated, feels inadequate and then lashes out. I see this in a couple I know where the roles are reversed: he uses logical arguments to prove his points, which pulls the rug from under her feet. She then feels inadequate and caves in to his viewpoint, and is left feeling hurt and disempowered.

Does any of this sound likely, or am I just talking bollocks?

Not knowing your husband I couldn't say what the solution should be as it has to combine both your personalities and strengths. I certainly don't think you should play dumb in order to boost his self-esteem. But if what I've said rings true then it's a good first step for you to work out how to handle your side of the dynamic. What he does with his side is obviously his responsibility.