Sunday Night Row - Am i being ridiculous?

[Esme69]

Ok, another sunday night spoiled by a silly disagreement. Help me out here, and give me your opinions.

We have a tv room and also a "good" sitting room in our house. Me and Dh have been using the good room now more at this time of the year as it has a fireplace and we have been lighting the fire a lot.

In this room, instead of a coffee table there is a beautifully and expensively upholstered ottoman which I got done a few years ago. It is not possible to wash or clean this as it is totally upholstered into the wood frame, so if I am putting my feet up on it which I often do, I would always remove my shoes first, and have asked my dh to do the same. Usually he ignores this request until I remind him, or ask him does he want me to put on the loose cover so he can put his fett up without removing shoes but he usually takes off the shoes at that point. The thing is my dh would come in to the house with wet feet, not wipe his feet, never removes dirty shoes before going on to carpet and its one of his pet hates people who excpect you to remove your shoes in their house.

I am not requiring him to do that, just ot not plonk the shoes he has been wearing outside in the wet on this lovely fabric in the nicest room in the house. I dont think this is unreasonable.

Tonight, he stuck the shoes up on the ottoman, I asked him to remove the shoes, normally he would do so, this time he just rolled his eyes and said this was ridiculous and he just wanted to relax in his own house and that if he took off shoes his feet would be cold, FFS in front of a roaring fire, and then he just went ahead and put the feet up shoes and all.

I am PISSED off with him cos even if he thinks I am being silly, he could respect my wishes, not LEAST becuase he messed up our weekend by going out drinking really late with his brother fri nite (till 3am) and came home and passed out in the kitchen, I was awake till he got home and then couldnt sleep for ages after cos he has form on this, and was so tired the next day I could not take my dd to ballet lesson in the next town, and had to look after our dc while he was hungover, AND we were having people to dinner last night and I had loads to do to prepare for that.

This evening he apologised profusely for being a selfish prick and disrupting our saturday and promised to not repeat that. but in those circs i would have thought tonight he might have at least respected my wishes even if he did not agree with them

I feel that he is such a selfish man who really always puts himself first and even when he says sorry never really practically tries to make amends or show his remorse..

This is a bit long and rambling, but feeling really disprespected, i went up to bed early instead of watching a programme we were meant to watch together, i said goodnight but did not kiss him and now he will come up soon and make a big deal out of this, my not kissing him, will say that I a making way to much out of this whole issue and that I am pathetic for reacting like this

Am i?

I got the ottoman about 8 years ago and he only started plonking his feet up on it in the last year or so, dont know why, but I really think it IS a passive agressive thing as in he's doing it to prove some point that he CAN do that in his own house regardless of what I want. Look, this is a guy who is over 40 , with a young family who goes out drinking and then turns his phone off, I mean what kind of grown up person behaves like that??

Diddl - he has always been a bit funny about feet. Has never touched mine, would never ever give me a foot massage, but doesnt like being in his sock outside of the bedroom, it is quite bizarre, and getting worse with age!

But surely you put your slippers on when you come in - that's what stops your feet from being cold

He is being lazy basically that's it as far as the shoes go, i have a friend who is the same and my grandmother both lazy people (who i am very fond of) but neither can be bothered to bend down and take shoes off only to have to put them back on again, they have always been the same, as for trying to say its a pet hate or is a principal etc no its just bone idleness through and through, it would piss me off big time, and the drinking thing is thoughtless and selfish especially if you had a busy weekend planned, my husband does this on a regular basis, and i work on a Friday he goes out on a Thursday and every time he does it i am exhausted at work the next day, not sure what to say about it really, they always apologize until it happens again, ( a big bone of contention in our house at the mo,) but the upshot is IMO i think your H has been selfish.

Oh, and your DH is being a bit of an arse...

Rhinestone - that would make too much sense for him, the slippers thing, he just woldnt wear them.

And SusieD you are so right, it is just pure lazyness not wanting to be bothered taking shoes on and off. He doesnt wipe his feet on the mat when he comes in out of the wet either, and I then have to go and wipe the floor clean of all the wet shoe prints, if I asked him to do that he would get all stroppy and accuse me of being OCD about cleanliness.

I mop our kitchen floor once a week, ONCE a week, not once a day even, and he tells me I am fanatical about keeping the floor clean fgs!

He sees me down on my hands and knees wiping hte floor clean but says/does nothing, not even a oops sorry that was careless of me, let me do that.

OOh, that sounds weird OP!

Actually, I don´t think we´ve ever touched each others feet-well not with our hands-I couldn´t bear that & I´ve never felt inclined to give a foot massage.

But we do walk around with bare feet.

Something funny my husband will do though.

Gets dressed in bedroom, puts socks in trouser pocket, goes downstairs & sits on sofa to put socks on

Hi esme,

I agree with some other posters that it is turning in to a power struggle. Your still annoyed with him about coming home late friday so you then made more of a big deal about your sofa than needed to be. Its a sofa that's all if your so bothered about the shoes thing then make sure you keep the loose covers on. Problem solved and no big arguments, no dramas. Personally I think its just about punishing him for coming in late friday as bigger things in life to worry about than a piece of furniture. I do think that he should have come home when he told u he was though so can understand why you are mad. It was probably that he had way too many drinks. How time flies when your drunk! He might have not been doing it too make u angry, maybe he was genuinely
drunk and didn't realise time. X

My father used to do the muddy shoes on clean carpet thing.

He was an utter twat.

He didn't even try to say he "forgot", he would just say "I can't be bothered, this is my house, I will do as I please"

He never, ever cleaned "his house" though, my doormat of a mother used to run around doing that after his trail of destruction.

He was verbally abusive too. It goes with the territory, IMO

Dittany re the banging fists on the wall that really bothered me too actually. He has only done that maybe 3 times in the last year, but still, it made me think WTF, as it was a TOTAL overreaction.

Ok so maybe it was friday nights boozing and late night fri and sat catching up with him, but still, it IS intimidating whether it is meant or not.

I could suggest the indoor shoes thing but am pretty sure he will dismiss it, as he simply is too lazy to be bothered to have to change his shoes once he is in the house. He made a big deal of leifting his shoes up to show me the sole so I could see how clean they were, I mean, there is no talking to him.

Anyfucker - Depressing really. That is the attitude, and yes I DO clean up behind him, but ONLY because I cant stand wet dirty footprints everywhere, so I would rather clean it up than fight with him about it and get nowhere, except to see the fists being banged on the wall.

No wonder I dont feel like having sex with him!

"Only 3 times in the last year"? That sounds a lot to me actually. My DH hasn't banged his fists against the wall a single time in the nearly 12 years we have been together.

Definite power struggle going on imo. You don't sound particularly OCD about cleanliness - if you were, I reckon you would be a shoes off household.

Excellent idea about him buying 'house shoes' instead of slippers.

Esme, I am sorry to say his behaviour will worsen over time

For two reasons really

1. with age

2. because he gets his own way and you walk on eggshells, running round cleaning up after him

My father used to smash things up in front of my mother and us kids. For example, record player he couldn't get to work, a fire that he couldn't fix. He would literally walk outside to the shed, get a big hammer and smash the offending article to smithereens. It was terrifying, and it escalated over the years.

Our family were the laughing stock of the street because he would do it outside too. When he started attacking the Mini that wouldn't start with a mallet, the whole neighbourhood was out to watch the spectacle.

It was funny when Basil Fawlty attacked a car with a tree branch, but not when your Dad does it in a fit of blind rage.

I am sorry to blather on, but these tempers, sheer self-entitlement and the fact you run after him like some little lap dog is very damaging for your children.

Boys...because hey will think that men get to be The Boss.

Girls...because they may mimic your servility in future relationships and if they are unlucky enough to get targeted by an abuser, their radar will be faulty.

I speak from experience x

Dittany, of course you are absolutely right: it is an abuse of his power.

Whoa hang on there TSC - I said that no wonder I dont feel like having sex with him, as in at the moment, over these last few days whilst he has been acting the prick.

You neednt wait for the "and he punches me bit" - he has never lifted a hand to me ever, and if he ever did, that would be it.

Hitting or punching the wall in frustration I do NOT like, but it is not the same as if he actually hit ME.

Re the buying stuff that family cannot use, he made it clear when we renovated our home that he had NO interest in shopping for new furniture or choosing curtains carpets etc, basically gave me the green light to do it all and made no bones about price or paying for it, but then I didnt go mad buying really extravagent stuff. I DID buy one good sofa and this fabric ottoman thing, which is lovely, but I am not overly precious, I dont think it is overly precious to expect people to avoid plonking their big dirty shoes over these two things.

I just wish he would be a bit more conscious of the mess / dirt he brings in, cos I am the one who mops and hoovers in this house, not him, and he would be the first to notice if the place was a tip!

Do I like him and have fun times together? Yes, sometimes, is the answer to both q's, but I certainly dont like him much after the weekend we have just put in.

Thanks Dittany - you hit nail on head. I am not interested in power struggles with my dh, I havent the energy for that running a home and looking after young dc, but I feel that he IS trying to throw his weight around the place and be The Boss.

AF - That sounds awful what your upbringing was like. My dh has never done anything like that, that sounds like a very angry man, dh has never smashed anything up but he is very impatient and intolerant at times and that makes me tense sometimes .

When he sees me cleaning up wet marks and dirty footprints he teases me about being OCD!

YANBU but what are you going to do about it?

My self esteem could be better, but i dont think that i am too bad.

He does help around the house with cooking etc, is v generous with money, and we go out together wiht friends, and away on weekends.

But when it comes to these little things around the house, esp the shoes issue he just digs his heels in.

He was really apologetic about fri night, admitted to being a selfish arse and then made huge efforts to do most of the work when friends round for dinner sat night.

I dont think he consciously is trying to erode my self esteem, and actualy i think it is more that i am really starting to resent his disregard for me and the efforts I make to keep the clean home that he would expect.