Sunday Night Row - Am i being ridiculous?

[Esme69]

Ok, another sunday night spoiled by a silly disagreement. Help me out here, and give me your opinions.

We have a tv room and also a "good" sitting room in our house. Me and Dh have been using the good room now more at this time of the year as it has a fireplace and we have been lighting the fire a lot.

In this room, instead of a coffee table there is a beautifully and expensively upholstered ottoman which I got done a few years ago. It is not possible to wash or clean this as it is totally upholstered into the wood frame, so if I am putting my feet up on it which I often do, I would always remove my shoes first, and have asked my dh to do the same. Usually he ignores this request until I remind him, or ask him does he want me to put on the loose cover so he can put his fett up without removing shoes but he usually takes off the shoes at that point. The thing is my dh would come in to the house with wet feet, not wipe his feet, never removes dirty shoes before going on to carpet and its one of his pet hates people who excpect you to remove your shoes in their house.

I am not requiring him to do that, just ot not plonk the shoes he has been wearing outside in the wet on this lovely fabric in the nicest room in the house. I dont think this is unreasonable.

Tonight, he stuck the shoes up on the ottoman, I asked him to remove the shoes, normally he would do so, this time he just rolled his eyes and said this was ridiculous and he just wanted to relax in his own house and that if he took off shoes his feet would be cold, FFS in front of a roaring fire, and then he just went ahead and put the feet up shoes and all.

I am PISSED off with him cos even if he thinks I am being silly, he could respect my wishes, not LEAST becuase he messed up our weekend by going out drinking really late with his brother fri nite (till 3am) and came home and passed out in the kitchen, I was awake till he got home and then couldnt sleep for ages after cos he has form on this, and was so tired the next day I could not take my dd to ballet lesson in the next town, and had to look after our dc while he was hungover, AND we were having people to dinner last night and I had loads to do to prepare for that.

This evening he apologised profusely for being a selfish prick and disrupting our saturday and promised to not repeat that. but in those circs i would have thought tonight he might have at least respected my wishes even if he did not agree with them

I feel that he is such a selfish man who really always puts himself first and even when he says sorry never really practically tries to make amends or show his remorse..

This is a bit long and rambling, but feeling really disprespected, i went up to bed early instead of watching a programme we were meant to watch together, i said goodnight but did not kiss him and now he will come up soon and make a big deal out of this, my not kissing him, will say that I a making way to much out of this whole issue and that I am pathetic for reacting like this

Am i?

Italianlady - I have no idea unfortunately. He is stubborn, and pig headed at times.

Are you the same over the ottoman?

You do realize that you're making excuses for his behavior?

Thanks Dittany, that's what i would have replied to Ital lady's last post. Its not like I insist on him removing his shoes in the house, in fact i dont insist on him doing very much in the house, but as you say, I have always thought it ignorant to put outdoor shoes on good furniture, I would never do it in anyone's house, and the thing is he would flat out refuse to wear slippers or indoor shoes, and yet gets angry with me and huffs and puffs when I ask this one thing of him.

I do not work out of home at the moment, that was what I wanted and what we both agreed on, but I have to say, my becoming a SAHM has resulted in a massive polarisation of our roles and a lack of appreciation for the albeit quite menial but essential stuff that I do.

It's ignorant behaviour to put shoes on other people's furniture. But your own home is a haven, where you can make up your own rules.

It's all very well telling the OP that it's shared money (and I totally agree with that point) but it's also a shared home. The OP is not the boss of it any more (or less) than her DH.

"It is very ignorant behaviour to put outdoor shoes on upholstered furniture."

I´m glad that I´m not the only one who thinks that.

"most men wake up,put shoes on ,take shoes off when they go to bed."

Really?
Because if for example my husband, or son for that matter stay in the house all day, then they don´t put shoes on all day.

She's the cleaner of it - but he's the earner of the money. Doesn't give him absolute say over the way the money is spent and doesn't give her absolute say over the use of the home. I'm not saying he should just get his way, but he has as much right to want his home to seem welcoming to him. It doesn't help getting all self righteous about how how lots of people think he shouldn't want to wear his shoes around the house. He does. The conversation should be about the impact it has and how they can collaborate or compromise so they both feel relaxed in their own home. If it's only him meeting her standards then it's about her mothering him - which is a poor way to live with a partner for all sorts of reasons.

Dittany and Diddl - God its a bloody relief to know that I am not the only one who doesnt like this behaviour. I mean yes, of course I want our house to be a haven, but its not much of a haven for me when on top of the normal housework my dh creates more work for me to do, and do so in the full knowledge of what he is doing as opposed to thoughtlessness.

Dittany assuming that what you say is true with regard to us no longer being equal then what can I do to address this, and to halt it, because I really dont want to live like this.

He will tell me that i put all this work on myself because I am so fussy, but he calls me fussy because I sweep the kitchen floor after the kids (between 2 and 10) have eaten a meal and there is food all over the floor. They are messy eaters and there is food on the table, chairs and floor, and if I dont clean it then he will come along, sit on the chair and get up with mashed potato all over his arse or stuck to his shoe, which will then be walked into the carpets all over the house.

Suchprospects - my dh doesnt compromise, he does pretty much what he wants, I would have thought that much was obvious at this stage.If I even tried to initiate a discussion about this and other issues he would huff, and puff and throw his eyes to heaven and make statements like, " I am NOT going to do this" or accuse me of being a control freak.

If my DH put his feet up on our tatty old coffee table (which is covered in scratches/paint/superglue as it doubles as a craft table half the time, I would STILL tell him to take his shoes off as you don't put outside shoes on indoor furniture, doesn't matter if it's for best or not.

Fortunately he has basic manners so doesn't do it. Your DH is being a knob.

He IS being a knob. Wish I knew what the best approach was.

I think it's awful that people are criticising Esme for wanting to keep her furniture nice. You've no idea of her background.

When I was young we never had nice things in the house. There were too many children and no money at all.

If someone deliberately (and this couldn't get more deliberate) put his dirty feet on something that I loved, that I'd searched for and cherished (okay, it's furniture, but that's obviously something she loves) then I wouldn't just be furious, I'd feel disrespected.

To misquote Freud, sometimes furniture isn't furniture. It's a symbol of the life she wants, of the life she's come from (whether she's emulating or avoiding the past) and it's a snapshot of her personality.

"The guy doesn't like to take his shoes off in his own home but you went out and bought an ottoman that should not have shod feet put on it. Why would you do that to him? If I were in his place I'd probably put my feet up regardless."

So where did he put his shod feet before?

Perhaps he can get off his arse long enough to buy a wooden foot rest or something.

Or if he had been at all bothered in the first place, the upholstered wouldn´t have been bought.

OP-how about laying on his side of the bed with your shoes on?

(Preferably not just shoes as he might like it)

SuchPros - in general I tend to agree with you about home being shared equally, but actually if you choose to do the "traditional" 1950s thing, then the wife is the boss of the home.

This was how my paternal grandparents organised things - Granny ran the house, Granda went to work.

She made the rules in the home. She would not have stood for him (or anyone else) making mess for her to clean up and he wouldn't have dreamt of being so disrespectful of her. It would have diminished him in both their eyes for him to have behaved so boorishly.

Things are entirely different in my home - cleaning is shared, so a row like this would play out differently - probably ending in the fussy person accepting loose covers on their fancy ottoman day to day. But in this case that would not be a sign of fair compromise, but of the op's boundaries being eroded.

SuchPros - in general I tend to agree with you about home being shared equally, but actually if you choose to do the "traditional" 1950s thing, then the wife is the boss of the home.

This was how my paternal grandparents organised things - Granny ran the house, Granda went to work.

She made the rules in the home. She would not have stood for him (or anyone else) making mess for her to clean up and he wouldn't have dreamt of being so disrespectful of her. It would have diminished him in both their eyes for him to have behaved so boorishly.

Things are entirely different in my home - cleaning is shared, so a row like this would play out differently - probably ending in the fussy person accepting loose covers on their fancy ottoman day to day. But in this case that would not be a sign of fair compromise, but of the op's boundaries being eroded.

But this isn't just about him putting his feet on the furniture. He knows that it irritates her, he does it anyway and makes snide remarks about her/to her. He rolls his eyes which is effectively saying, 'you are being ridiculous' but not actually discussing the issue.

It would be one thing if he said, 'look, can we work out something with the furniture as sometimes I forget to take my shoes off and I know it upsets you...' Fine, then this would open the door to a handling.

But he isn't being mature about it, so you need to tell him something along the lines, 'when you do xxx, it makes me feel as if you don't respect me....'

If he tries to make it your problem, don't agree that you are being silly/petty/ridiculous, because you aren't. And even if you were, you are communicating how his actions make you feel.

He's not the only one rolling eyes though, is he?

It is very disrespectful and childish, I agree.

I don't like shoes in the house, full stop! When people come round,I don't ask them to take their shoes off, but most people ask if they should and I usually say:"Yes...if you don't mind!".

I think he's being an arse.

my dh doesnt compromise, he does pretty much what he wants...If I even tried to initiate a discussion about this and other issues he would huff, and puff and throw his eyes to heaven and make statements like, " I am NOT going to do this" or accuse me of being a control freak.

I dont think he consciously is trying to erode my self esteem

really ??

hitting walls is an act of aggression

he has done it 3-4 times this year

this is an aggressive man

I do wonder what he would do if you weren't so accomodating to his selfish behaviour