Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Solost - hang in there because you have already made huge steps forward. More than you realise.

Every day that you are on your own with the children and not dealing with your husband is another day of strength under your belt. This in itself will unsettle him and make him realise that you are out from under his manipulation. We don't see it ourselves usually but other people can.

When My EXH left 10 years ago for his OW I spent a couple of months trying to even have a normal conversation with him in the desperate hope that he may want me back. (Want Me back, where was my self-respect?) I then slept with him from the January to May hoping he was coming back to me. It was sordid and dirty feeling, not how it felt when we were "together". I had a baby two weeks after he left and was confused, overly emotional, hated my body and wanted to feel loved. He never took my calls if it was inconvenient to speak to me because it turned out he and the OW had made themselves a lovely little home and were expecting a baby. Obviously she had no idea he was sleeping with me too and I came to realise that he was merely keeping me onside on the run up to the divorce. However after I clicked what was really going on I became very angry and bitter. I cannot begin to tell you how stupid and ridiculous I felt. He never had any intention of coming back to me but he used to say he was "concerned" about me from time to time and if I didn't ring him for more than a day or two at a time then he would ring me, just to re-establish contact. When I told him I was going to issue divorce proceedings on our first wedding anniversary against his adultery (the earliest I could do it legally) he then started to turn nasty towards me and I went through the most horrendous divorce even having to pay for it all myself. He wanted to wait for a 2 year separation it turned out in legal correspondence and I was being deemed unreasonable in not allowing the marriage "breathing space" in which to try and repair it. He was never coming back and I would have put money on the fact he would have divorced me at the 2 year separation point.

Sorry I am rambling a bit. The point I really wanted to make was this: The man you knew is gone and the man you are dealing with now is a real person and is not going anywhere. You have to allow yourself time to grieve for the loss of your marriage and in order to do that you have to put space between you and the man that stands before you today. The OW did not fall for your husband as you knew him, she fell for the irresponsibly behaved man he is now (after all an affair usually takes a while to become physical so the flirting will have been intense for weeks/months prior). Once you have the space and privacy you need things will become clearer for you.

The old saying goes keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer. That is exactly what your husband is doing I feel.

Sorry if it seems I am assuming too much or speaking out of turn but I know how much this all hurts and in order to move forward you have to take control of your life and stop waiting for your husband to make up his mind.

Make your own mind up and go with it.

Solost how are you doing today? Thinking about you. I have had tears today for the first time in about 2 weeks, I suppose I should be happy that they are getting less but I don't want to feel like this. PM'd one of your posters yesterday, what a wonderful lady, her reply was very much appreciated. I find the support on mumsnet amazing. Solost carry on posting you will get the support and advice you need here.

ROMNEYMARSH: So sorry you're feeling low, I feel like you do when I have'nt seen/spoken for a couple of days! So you are so much further on than I am. My resolve has just come crashing down! god was doing so well. Have just spoken to him on the phone for 40 mins, was only intending to be a short call re: DS's football match arrangement tommorrow, but I always have the urge to ask questions and you know, one question leads to another. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he started by saying how sorry he was, that he didnt feel guilty anymore, that he loved me still, would always love me but his deeper 'feelings' for the OW meant that he could'nt return, told him I didn't want him back anymore anyway and he told me that made it easier for him - great! So far, this seems to be backfiring spectacularly! Bottom line was, told him that his feelings - he draw as he puts it would fade and then? he'd be left with what, but he continues to want to go down that path. God, felt so pathetic and sad when I put down the phone. The worst thing is he told me about a friend at work who also left his wife 18 months ago and how their kids now snuggle up in bed with his new GF! Does he not realise how that twists like a knife!

MSBOOGIE: I know he's kidding himself that the relationship with the OW will work, but he's convinced himself completely. Can't believe the total bollocks he spouts 'he can't be without her' - like it was some divine miracle or something - never spouted that romantic shit when he lived here with us. He seems to have totally detatched from any kind of reality, like he's living in a bubble or something. Also told me he has 'made a pact' with her to try and stop his moods and arguments - doesn't seem like a perfect relationhip to me. All this makes me feel, do i really want such a knob-head back? why would I? But when he comes around to see the DC's sometimes a little bit of the 'old' H appears and I feel so sad.

Need to be strong tommorrow. Got an evening presentation for DS that we are both attending, don't know how to 'act' do I play it cool? am really not looking forward to it. Got to both attend to support DC. Have actually got loads of stuff like this to do over the next few weeks, school plays, carol concerts, dance thingys etc. However, on the day of the carol concert I have been informed that not only are they xmas shopping in my town (not at all local to them) but that OW has booked a hotel room for that night (the hotel is right next to the concert venue) and then he can pop back there when the concert is finished, she is then hanging around all day Sat waiting for him whilst he sees the DC's. I asked him to considered my feelings and that I am not happy that he is slotting his kidz round his 'dirty weekend'. Originally he told me he'd cancel the room but apparently the OW has put her foot down and said 'no-one tells me where I can go'. Don't really know how to handle this as I feel my and DD's feelings are being totally trampled over. Not bothered where they go xmas shopping or whether they stay in a hotel but is 'a bit too close to home for me'. Am I being unreasonable?

SPARKLESOIREE: Thanks for sharing your experiences, it must have been so hard having just had a baby to find out that they were also having one - that would have killed me, it was one of my worst fears, unfounded so far, but, feel that if they do have children (and its a v/strong possibility) that our DCs will be 'relegated' to second best as far as DH is concerned. ATM I cannot contemplate her EVER seeing them, although DH keeps pushing for her to meet them and blathering on about how 'good' it will be for them to have an extra person in their lives? - how can anyone be so deluded. How are you now, where are you all at? Did he stay with OW? What kind of relationship does he have with your DC?

oh my good god, how fucking desperate is she? booking a hotel room after the Christmas concert. It would be so very easy to put the cat among the pigeons there. I would not be able to resist. Is it not major turn off for you solost that he has fallen in with such a sad specimen?

MSBOOGIE: I was as mad as hell when I found out, he told me he would cancel it, that he saw where I was coming from etc. however, when he told OW, he was told in no uncertain terms that 'no-one tells her where she can and can't go' and as the hotel is booked in her name by her there's nothing he can do about it! I told him he could forget the concert I would go alone and also forget seeing the DC's on the Saturday. With her hanging around all day waiting for him to finish being with them. Feel like she's stalking me. Maybe a kneejerk reaction? Am I being to harsh?

You are being true, to yourself. Stay calm and sick with it. You are fab x

Solost it is still really early days for you and you will find a lot of horrible situations that you will find hard to deal with. I remember when my 1st DH left me for a friend and he wanted my DC to go out with them as a family it used to break my heart and although I never said anything to my DC they knew how hurt I was when they went out with their DF and OW. As Dontdiss says stay calm.

I have tried to reason with my DH about how his feelings will change for the OW when he realises that it is an infatuation and not love and their bubble bursts when they hit the real world rather than the fantasy they have been living in. But unlike you I think he will try very hard to make it work, even though no one else thinks his relationship will work with 27 year age gap and starting from an affair.

Solost: if I wanted to be malicious I would ask him home after the event to put the kids to bed... let her wait it out, wondering where he is.

I'd be sooo tempted to accidentally damage his phone somehow - throw coffee or water all over it, or accidentally stamp on it - something like that. And then, yes, say teh DC want him to put them to bed.

But - it's not dignified. And tbh, you are probably going to have to put up with the witch seeing your DDs in the not too distant future, so possibly not a good idea to create problems - the wrong people will suffer in the end - and it will probably all backfire on you.

Stay serene, as calm and as reasonable as you can - no harm in a bit of suble sarcasm though! As in "Yes of course I understand why you can't possibly spend any longer with your DDs - of course they are far more capable of doing without your presence than a grown woman".

And - although you can hope and hope that he might "wake up to himself" at some point, and indeed he might - I wouldn't bank on it. Mine didn't.

Thank you for all your comments and support. Not getting much hope from you all though!! Maybe it's the reality check I really need. The fact is I think deep down he knows how much this hurts me but he is so detached from reality and content in his little bubble that it really doesnt touch him. She still insists that he deletes all texts I send to him whilst in her presence (which is most of the time) - I don't send too many now - can't be bothered really BUT part of me wants to send loads - just to wind her up! And as for he seeing the DC's, atm its a case of 'when hell freezes over'. I really don't see why she should see them, she is nothing to them. I feel that I bring them up with my values, morals etc. and why should I be forced to let them spend time with someone who I don't know, someone with dubious morals and obviously slightly deranged? Would never stop DH from seeing them btw, he see's them whenever and for as long as he likes, (obviously they fit in around OW - which am not too happy about) but thats another story!

I admire you being so helpful regarding him seeing the children. Just a small thing though, a routine if when he sees them may make it easier for you and them. Is he seeing them at the house? I totally agree they should not at this stage see ow but you have to stop him coming into the family home. He has left it.

SOLOIST: My DH is exactly the same. The things he tells me about their 'relationship', the fact she censors his calls, goes thru his texts when he's not there, checks thru his stuff. The fact they have made a 'pact' to not argue and fall out, that he tells me their relationship is 70% good and 30% bad (the bad down to what's happened here - our fault of course! and the fact he has already been kicked out for the night. Not a match made in heaven. Not the kind of relationship I would want to be in myelf for sure. But he is insistent that things will get better??? He, like your DH is trying to make it work - I think because he feels he has given up so much that it has GOT TO work. Do these fools ever wake up to themselves? When we spoke last night I told him about how the DC's are drifting away from him. He only sees them for a couple of hours during the week due to work commitments and OW commitments and for about half a day on Saturday - she always has a reason why he needs to leave early. Tried to make him understand that, he will not have the same relationship with them as he had before. He seemed quite shocked. When he first left, the DC's used to ask when he was coming back, the LO (who's 5) used to cry for him at night. But over the last few weeks, thats stopped. They seem to be getting used to him not being here, don't even ask when he's coming next anymore. Tried to put that point over to him, not to be malicious, just to bring some reality to him. He seems to think they are still pining for him, that his relationship with them will stay the same. He needs a reality check also, I think. He also muttered something about them having a better life by having more people to care for them and more places for them to stay???!!! HOW, will never being with your mum n dad at the same time, having to be shipped off to someone elses house on a weekend - away from your friends, football training etc, never having a family holiday etc. give DC's a better life?

Solost - I think part of the reason I have felt so low over the last few days is because I realise my DH has detached himself totally from me, I think they find it easier than facing the hurt and broken heart they have caused and also in my case not wanting to carry on with life!

I can only hope karma one day bites them both on the arse big time!! Maybe that makes me a horrible person.

Have a good day solost and all the people giving you wonderful advice.

DDTT: I have tried to establish a routine, but he works away quite a lot so he tends to see them during the week when he can. He tends to take them out on a weekend but does spend time at the house, usually doing odd jobs, playing with the kids, especially now the weather's crap. Its difficult because now he is living over 100 miles away @ OW's. Always wingeing about how much petrol is costing etc. Not my problem - I say. But can see how the visits are gonna get less frequent. Already OW makes more and more demands on his time and as I have already mentions, there's always a reason why he has to leave early on Saturdays, hair appts, meeting friends, financial advisor appts etc. Did put my foot down and say if he was coming to see DCs he should commit to staying til an agreed time but am yet to pin him down on this. Am getting tired of fighting him to see MORE of his kids, never in a million years would I have thought this would happen.

ROMNEYMARSH: Feel so sad for you, would be devastated if I had no contact for a month - would never let him know that though. Am gonna have a really difficult one today, got to do family things and pretend that everthing is OK. When he is here with the DC's he is so nice, its easy to forget everything thats happened - until its time for him to go - back to her. You are not a bad person at all. Agree completely with the Karma theory. If only you knew what I have wished on the *** who was instrumental in destroying mine and my DC's lives! You have a good day too, don't be alone - see friends, treat yourself. Will be thinking of you x

Solost Look I'm going to be blunt here. The reason this isn't working is because you're really not sticking to the plan. You are still letting him come to the house whenever it suits him, talk to you on the phone for 40 minutes (again when it suits him) and absolving him of responsibility.

It might still be your joint house legally, but it is not his home anymore. Therefore, he really shouldn't have a key and he shouldn't be doing odd jobs and DIY. Learn how to do these yourself ideally, or get someone else to do it.

It is his choice to live 100 miles away from his children. And it's his choice to leave early when he sees them. You are still in a frame of mind whereby you blame the OW for "making him do it". Now, he is only too happy for you to believe that the OW has booked hotels, hair appointments and parties in the diary, but he said "yes" to all these things. He is not a child. Irresponsible? Yes. Willing to let two women pit themselves against eachother so that it lets him off the hook? You bet.

Please understand, I am not letting the OW off the hook either here and I completely understand why you don't want your DCs to meet her yet and why you feel so angry towards her. She is certainly not without blame in all this, but I think you are falling into an understandable trap of blaming her now more than your H.

From her perspective, she's being deceived too. The bloke she thought was such a prize and (presumably) compromised her values for, is lying to her now too. I suspect you've both fallen into a trap of hating and blaming eachother, when the person really deserving of those feelings is getting off scott free.

Now, while I would understand you having very little sympathy for her deception,
please start putting the blame where it's deserved.

Which takes me back to my first post on this thread - often the best thing to happen is for a man like this to be left with no-one.
This usually happens when the two women fighting over him wise up and realise that they are both being taken for a fool and this dick really is no prize after all.

Stop giving him opportunities to hold your face in his hands and just stop interacting with him about anything other than the children. Recognise that you are still hugely emotionally invested in this relationship and that he's not being fair to you doing these things. Be fair to yourself then and do everything in your power to detach, detach, detach.

WWIFN: I am, arn't I, falling into the trap of blaming her rather than him. I do see that. But it's so hard. Incidently, all the times he tried to wriggle out of going early, he did back down and cancel all those things? I did think of you during that conversation, I knew exactly what you would say, but part of me is compelled to get answers, to get inside his head almost and I know I will have to stop but sometimes it helps - I think it's called 'closure'. But am back on track again now, H and DS are at a football match all of today and have asked him not to bother ringing/texting cos Im out for the day. I will do better tommorrow, I will do better tommorrow, I will do better tommorrow. And thanks, for taking time to reply, I do appreciate it - I know it seems I am not following yr advice but I am trying to, I really am. PS. I told him I was over him, that I didn't want him back anymore and his reply was that he was pleased, it made it easier for him to be with her, knowing I no longer wanted him. Feels like this has all backfired?

WWIFN: Sorry forgot to add, he has always told me from the 1st day I found out that he held himself completely responsible for what happened - he didn't blame her one bit, it was all his doing. Maybe thats why I blame her more, but deep down I know it was 50/50 - or maybe 70/30!!

May I add that trying to reason him out of his silly bubble is likely to be useless at best and potentially counterproductive. He will then have to defend his decision, to himself as well as to you, and end up convincing himself even more.

That poor OW sounds completely terrified actually. If you can find it in your heart to pity her just a little... well, maybe that's going too far. But if she were as confident as he seems to be that they were soulmates she wouldn't be so frantic to keep him away from his former family, in case he was lured back in. That little thing about the hotel is actually rather ludicrous, when you think about it. The best reaction (hindsight is great eh?) might have been to have laughed and said something like "she really is a complete bunny-boiler, isn't she?" and changed the subject.

You're also not nearly angry enough if you can even stand the cheating bastard to put his hands anywhere near your face. To put it crudely, those hands have been on her minge. Probably washed since, you have to hope, but it's the principle of the thing. And he calls you up just to rub your nose in this great new relationship that he left you for. Any expressions of concern for your welfare have to be examined in that context and found seriously wanting, don't you think? He must think you are truly some kind of idiot, because if he let himself realise the truth - that you are a decent, loving woman who has yet to get your head round the depth of your life-partner's betrayal - he really would feel guilty instead of just mouthing the words.

Solost I don't under-estimate how hard this is and I'm acutely mindful that until 3 months ago, your life was very different. I recognise too, that it's going to take more than that to detach from someone you've loved all your adult life. I also understand why you need answers.

However Annie is right that at the moment, your H is so up his own arse with his "soulmate" delusion, that he will be doing everything to persuade himself more than anyone else, that this was the right decision, for the right reasons. The more he hears himself saying the words, the more he'll be inclined to believe it. So getting him to justify this is counter-productive.

Which is why it is going to be healthier for you to believe the version of events that I and others, have laid out for you. Let your own truths be enough for you, because they are likely to be much more reliable than someone who is in the grip of a romantic delusion.

You will get no truths out of him for quite a while yet, I assure you and if there is a grain of comfort in this situation, it is that he hasn't gone down the route of so many adulterers and started re-writing the history of your marriage and blaming you for "leaving him no choice other than to run off with a young girl"

Whenever I advise you to detach, all I am saying is to "act detached" - you do see that don't you? I know you won't feel detached just yet, because that would be expecting too much, too soon. However the more you act detached, the more you will become detached and you need to give yourself permission to do that, actually.

WRT his statement that he is glad that you are over him, look at the reply. It was that he was glad "as that made it easier for him". Not easier for you and that is hugely significant.

It is only partially true. The selfishness is at the surface of this reply because it lessens the guilt. But the other part, which he won't acknowledge, is that the day you say that and it rings true (it doesn't at the moment you see, because your behaviour towards him contradicts it) will be terrifying, because he will realise then that he really has lost you forever.

So you've simply got to make your behaviour match your words. When you told him you were over him and wouldn't have him back, he knew you were lying. Don't bother saying this stuff to him until you really mean it. Just start acting as though he is no longer any concern of yours.

solost what WWIFN says is exactly the right thing to do, although it will be difficult, it probably took me almost 6 months to detach from my H once he left for OW. We too had been together since we were young and married for 21 years.

As I have said previously he spent months ringing to see if I was ok, calling round at weekends, not to see DC I have to say as they are away at Uni. It took all my strength to say enoughs enough, and to tell him I didn't want to see him anymore.

Once I had done that I began to heal and regain my old self, the person I was before his cheating and distancing began.

I agree to with the fact that his apologies help lessen the guilt he feels, my H still says he is sorry, especially when something goes wrong at home, e.g. the shower broke and I had to sort it out, but as my H has limited my supply of funds (another story) I had to ask. He said he was so sorry I was having to manage by myself, that he would never forgive himself for what he had done.

Can you believe this

Anyway, enough about me, you just have to get tough and show him you can manage, and you will. Also don't ask about his life or get involved no matter how badly you might want to know what they are doing.

Have just sat and read from the start of this thread and just want to add that you are doing so well, it may not feel like it some days but you are!

With respect to the leaving early thing with the DD's I have one piece of advice don't enable him.

He tels you he has to leave early you say clearly and firmly NO, it does not suit YOUR plans. He is the DD's other parent and is equally responsible for their care you have so little "time off" that when he cares for them it is YOUR FREE TIME he is cutting short and THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Whatever he tries to wheedle out, the answer is a firm NO, we agreed x I have made plans (do not be specific!!!!!). And make sure you go out.

(This hands back control to YOU you are in charge of your life, and the OW can make as many demands as she likes but do not make things EASY for him).