Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

SoLost I am so happy now compared to ten years ago and him leaving me, whilst horrifically painful at the time and totally shredding my life it ultimately was the best lesson I could have ever had.

I spent the next few years working on learning who I was then and gaining new found self-respect and I eventually met a wonderful man who pursued me in such a romantic, traditional way that he swept me off my feet. We married the following year and have just celebrated 4 years of marriage.

My DH also adopted my daughter from my first marriage as her natural father refused to have anything to do with her. He and his partner who he is still with ten years on have had two children together. Fair enough, it's their life. I am so pleased I have met a real man who will stand up and admit when he is wrong rather than a man who hides behind women.

My DH has 2 children from his previous marriage and they are not second best to us. I love them very much and am so aware that it hurts their mum that they spend time with me but she is civil and smiles accordingly, just as it hurts me that she hates me so when I have never done anything to her. C'est la vie but for the sake of all our children we just get on with it.

Thanks for asking how I have fared since my divorce, you have just made me realise that nobody in my family and friends ever did, since the day EXH left. Maybe explains why it took me 4 years to sort myself out after it - my support network was just not there to help make it easier.

I hope your situation improves for you really soon.

WWIFN: Thank you for your reply and your patience with me! Am now back on track. We had to go to a presentation this evening together for DS. And I keep suitably detached but polite all evening. He kept asking if I was OK. Told him yes, thank you. After he left, he rang the DC's on the car phone and I told DS to put the phone down after he had spoken to him as I was unable to take the call. He left it 10 mins then started ringing on my mobile, I answered after about 30 mins, he wanted to know why I didnt want to speak to him - told him I was busy! He told me leaving tonight was the hardest it had been since he had left - I asked him why he was telling me this and he said he didnt really know. I then cut the call short and told him I had to go. I know he had to drive to OW's MIL's and she was cooking him a meal - even though she knew there was food at the presentation, and he kept going on about how he didnt want to go there, didn't want to eat so late etc, etc - I was totally disinterested. So thats the update for today. Feel like i'm back on track a little. I do appreciate your advice, you are so wise - if ever you need a place to stay!! You are more than welcome x

PARTYTIME: Thanks for the advice - its good to know other people have been through the same thing and have come out the other side stronger. I do feel better and stronger but am still having the odd relapse!

DIAPD: Thanks for the advice. I do put my foot down, feel like I am being petty sometimes but totally agree with you - the time allocated to DC's is exactly that. At the moment, every time he has come round with the excuse 'I have to leave early today because......' I have stood my ground and so far he has always backed down. I feel like the OW is competing with the DCs for his time? Obviously DH doesnt see that, he just bleats on about how she wants to spend time with him as well! BUT as I keep pointing out SATURDAY is the day he spends with his DCs - SUNDAY they can do what the hell they want - I never call, contact ask him to be there for them then. I would say that is a fair allocation of his time, wouldnt you? PS I NEVER make anything easy for him, quite enjoy making things as difficult as poss for him actually!

SPARKLESOIREE: God I can't believe he doesn't want anything to do with your DD. What kind of twisted bastard would be so callous. Thank goodness you found a good man who your daughter can really look up to and who is a true DAD to her. I suppose in that respect I'm lucky, my DH is still really involved with the kids although with the OW and her demands on her time am not sure how this will pan out in the long term - think it may be her undoing tbh. Regarding your H's XW, if my H had left because he didn't love me or the marriage had broken down and THEN he had met someone, I could cope with them having the children - it's the fact that he left me for her - she knew he had kids, he told her he was happily married and she still pursued it, that she is mid-30's career woman who obviously thinks time for kids is running out for her and why not just 'take someone elses kids' would suit her to have them on a part time basis - her doing all the treats, taking them out for the day etc. me doing all the washing, ironing, homework, etc. etc. That's what pisses me off most. And the fact she's apparently always banging on about wanting to get to know them, wanting to love them!!! OMG. The way I feel ATM she's never going to see them, never mind get to know them!! Am so glad you have made a better life for yourself with a good man. Thank you for taking time to share your story - it really has given me hope. X

Solost - you sound like you handled the situation very well earlier - well done you!

Keep your focus, it will help you.

PARTYTIME: Thanks for sharing your experience. For the first time today I was really not looking forward to seeing him - a new stage for me I think. Maybe I AM starting to believe that I am detaching? if you know what I mean. What is it about men marrying young, running off with OW's? A mid-life crisis maybe? A feeling that they are missing out on something? I have asked DH about this but he cant/wont answer, I just get the 'my feelings for her are deeper' stock answer. Do you think I will ever know the real reason why? maybe HE doesnt know, maybe it doesnt really matter. He does feel a lot of guilt, I know he does and it's so hard to let go of the old DH and see the new 'not very nice' DH I have now acquired! But I am beginning to see that and the fact that I already seem to be detaching is quite scary, did you feel that too?

Solost May I suggest that you start a new thread:

"Husband left, Why the Hell Should I have him Back?"

You'll see yourself, now, that you have moved so far, if you re-read your own thread.

Keep going; you're moving in all the right directions with all the excellent advise on here.

Solost - I can understand why you feel so hurt and reluctant to accept the OW into your children's life, I absolutely do.

I don't get involved in the communication or plan making between DH and his EXW. DH and his EXW make their plans according to their own diaries. I would never dream of trying to limit DH's time with his children with his EXW, infact I advocate him spending as much time as EXW will allow him to for their sake.

I think what I am saying is there are lots of us out there who marry men who have children from a former relationship and are grown up enough not to get involved in the relationship their DHs have with their EXWs. After all, DH and his EXW may be divorced but they still have children they need to raise and therefore still have a relationship. Most people can see that, but people lacking maturity or emotional intelligence may not have the same perspective. It sounds like your EXH may have got himself involved with somebody like that.

Anyway, I think I may have rambled a bit with a tad too many acronyms (You did good today )

Sparkle, it may be that it's different for women who have actively sought to "go after" men who already have a family - perhaps, as someone upthread suggested, they are insecure and are marking their territory early to try and gain the upper hand. That doesn't seem to be the case in your relationship, so I guess it's easier for you to be more reasonable about your DH's DC.

Solost - another thing I learnt from my ex - don't keep pushing for answers because it may be that he actually doesn't really know the answer - and if you keep pushing he'll make something up just to shut you up.
I wanted to know why - so badly! And it took a counsellor to eventually tell me why. He said "in the end, you did nothing wrong. He did - he just didn't love you enough." And that, I could accept. Admittedly that was a fair way down the line after lots had happened and I was in a fair old state, but it did help me - far more than the bullshit I was getting from my ex - probably because it sounded right.

Hah! Partytime, if your XH were mine I'd like to have smiled sweetly and said "That's all right, dear, I'll never forgive you either". Getting over it is, after all, one thing and forgiving quite another.

As for Solost's H saying his wonderful OW is so looking forward to getting to know the children, I wonder whether it's not so much a case of stealing a ready-made family (certainly one possibility) as that she knows he cares about his children and wants him to believe she cares too. She wouldn't want to show herself up as a callous home-wrecker, would she? No, she's a nice person, she respects his duty to his children. (Possibly she even tells herself that she encourages him to spend time with them that he'd rather spend with her. I knew an OW who did just that.) Meanwhile her actions tell a different story...

Annie - oh yes I have used that line. My other favourite is that men who are truely sorry would be crawling on bended knees, begging for forgiveness and returning to their family wanting to make it work. I feel my H has a lot of male pride/ego at work here and would never do such a thing even if he had regrets.

Solost - in answer to your questions. I asked my H many times why? and yet he has never been able to answer, the only thing he said was the usual he has deeper feelings for OW, they became close then he was in too deep, nothing wrong with me or our marriage, loves us very much (even now), tried to imagine another 20 years with me, erm, am I that bad? What bullshit. Of course I will never know the real reasons and have accepted this, especially as he was never very good at explaining his feelings on anything.

You may have to resign yourself to the fact that answers will not come. Don't torture yourself trying to work it out. Also his guilt is his to own, you cannot feel bad that he feels guilty for his actions, you have no part in them. His keeping contact/ being there/ helping are just for his benefit to salve his conscience and lessen the guilt he feels.

I remember my H arrived one day to see how I was!!! and told me how difficult he found it to visit and deal with my tearfulness/anger, WTF, difficult for him! How bloody arrogant and self-serving is that.

Finally, yes it is scary to detach, after all they have been in your life for so many years, I had been with mine a total of 27 years, all of my adult life. I now have to learn to live not only as a single person but also as an independent adult, if that makes sense, responsible for all that entails.

"and told me how difficult he found it to visit and deal with my tearfulness/anger, WTF, difficult for him! How bloody arrogant and self-serving is that."

Oh yes! I had this as well - mine used to come back to the house every weekend to do maintenance stuff (mow lawn, clean fishtank) and said that he found it hard to deal with me crying, being angry/upset etc. SUCK IT UP, BASTARD! IT'S YOUR FECKING FAULT!!

Sorry for shouting - that obviously still rankles

Thumbwitch, I'm sure you're right. I think I was trying to give Solost some hope in that the OW may not always be in the picture but I do take your point.

Just going back to Annie's post re OW getting to know Solost's children.

My DC are late teens, away at Uni. OW has never met them nor has H asked if they would like to meet. That is one thing I do respect him for and that is giving DC the choice of whether to meet OW or not.

Obviously this can only happen as they are old enough to make their own minds up. However, my eldest has said that she will smack OW in face upon meeting her and youngest has sworn to do all kinds of nasty things to OW should she impose herself upon them.

I hasten to add I do not encourage violence of any sort, nor would I influence my DC in that way.

The OW had told H that she only wants DC to like her.

Not a hope in hell.

Solost unfortunately your DC are young and unable to make those choices. It must be very hard for you.

PARTYTIME: The fact she keeps on banging on about meeting the kids, meeting his parents etc. is what really DOES MY HEAD IN. My DH, in his alternative reality constantly brings up this, even though I have asked him not to, have told him I WILL NOT CONSIDER IT. Apparently she cares for my DC's, is concerned for them, wants to love them and be part of their lives. OMG do they not realise how much this hurts. This woman with no morals, who appears to be some kind of control freak, who actively encourages DH to leave early on Saturdays - the only full day they see their dad, who is always lurking in the background wants to be part of their lives. WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!!

As I mentioned earlier, if our marriage had broken down, if DH had left AND THEN met an new partner - even her, it would have been different. I would have accepted her seeing them then BUT under these circumstances, I truely feel that one of the main reasons she is with him is because time is running out for her to have a family of her own, her career is soooo important to her she would'nt have time to be a 'full time mum' anyway and this way she gets the 'best of both worlds'. DH has admitted to me that she was under a lot of pressure from parents etc. to find a man, have kids etc and that she is always sneers a 'full time mums', not having 'a life' but I think deep down this is what she wants, she wanted my life and now she's trying to take it.

PENELOPETITSDROPPED: I may just do that! Thanks x

SPARKLESOIREE: Thanks! You sound like the perfect step-parent (hate that term but am at a loss as to what else to use without sounding patronising!). The OW in this case is certainly not like you! Her immaturity and insecurity shine through. She actually wanted to meet his parents 1 month after he moved out to 'tell them her side of the story' despite that fact she knew that DH's dad had told him in no uncertain terms that he never wanted to meet her, as far as they were concerned she did not exist to them. A truely deluded person or what? I really don't understand what she is trying to achieve with her constantly trying to push her way into our lives.

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: You have hit the nail on the head. She goes on and on about how much she cares. Just words. Her actions DO tell a completely different story. For example, he is not ALLOWED to read any texts or answer any calls I send or make whilst he is in her flat, texts must be deleted unread - she checks who they are all from???? What if one of the DC's get sick, or his parents? That is just one example, there are loads of others. I have told him so many times, words mean nothing, actions are what are important. Am not getting through.

THUMBWITCH: I am beginning to accept that I will probably never know the answer, but it is so hard. Feel thats the least he owes me, but you're probably right I really am beginning to think he doesnt know and maybe I need to start to accept that and in doing that begin to move on. Today I had a hellish day with the DC's, middle DD was at an all day dance competition, DC had a football party and littlest DD had nothing on but no interest in dancing or football, so spent the day rushing from place to place, swapping kids from grandparent to granparent to party etc. But you know what, I DID IT! DD won two trophies, DS got man of the match at his party. Everyone happy! For the first time, in the last few months thought maybe I CAN DO THIS and maybe I will be OK? Am I moving on?

PARTYTIME: I was also with DH for 27 years! We were together since I was 15. Wish my H was as 'considerate' as yours re: access. He is under the misguided notion that having a 'wicked stepmum"! - sorry could'nt resist will 'enrich their lives' in some way? Comments like this make my blood boil. How the HELL does having a part time dad, being dragged to some strange house every/every other weekend, having your routine totally disrupted, missing football/dancing/golf/playing with friends enrich kids lives? Funny he had no answer to that one! My eldest DS is almost 11 and I think he WILL judge his dad when he finds out the truth (atm we have told the kids that dad his living/working away) and they accept that. The reason I am so reluctant to tell them all the truth is that in some way it will destroy a part of their childhood, the fact that they no longer have a mummy and daddy who are there for them etc. A bit like telling them Santa doesn't exist. Not sure whether I am doing the right thing but feels right atm that they do not know all the truth. DS in particular idolises his dad and its like we will be destroying something? not sure what. Sorry am rambling.

ROMNEYMARSH: How your weekend been? Are you feeling more positive?

Solost, to add to previous post. The OW in my situ also has no children of her own. She too is a career driven person, actually works for my ex. She left a relationship with a man who had 2 DC, again not hers, to be with another man with a ready made family.

What is it with women like this, why not find an available man who would like to have a family of their own, together, not act like a cuckoo raiding other nests.

P.s.
I have a wicked step bitch and she certainly hasn't enriched my life.

Solost - a horrible thing to say, but your children are an inconvenience to her. Unfortunately they are an important part of his life and so in order to make herself seem more attractive compared to you (who clearly loves them) she has to play the caring, nurturing type. In reality, of course, she would love it if he never saw them again as they compete with his attention and also bind him to you (who she fears). She probably hates anyone under 12. It's just another of the lies she will have told him in the honeymoon period, and which he'll get to see through at his leisure.

In my case, the OW was married, and always talked of 'putting your children first' and how she wanted him to be careful I didn't find out as 'I wouldn't want to spoil your chances with your kids - they must come first'. Bullshit. In reality, she used them to make sure he didn't let the cat out of the bag as she had 'priors' and knew what she was doing, while she sensed he wasn't being cautious enough with texts / emails etc as a first timer. She wanted a nice cosy ego boost behind her H's back without anyoneq finding out.

In fact, she was such a lovely nurturing mum to her child that when she was looking after her (aged just 7) and engaging in 3 hour phonecalls with H, if the child bothered her for food etc she'd bellow at her to get it herself or tell her to go away. I seriously think she spent the whole summer trapped in a miniature flat with her mum on the phone and computer all the time, having to LISTEN to her mother telling him god knows what, as if she couldn't hear. No wonder she was so screwed up by it at the end (bedwetting etc), poor kid. Rant hijack over :)

Ofcourse you can so it all Solost! Practice makes perfect.

I think you're getting too tied up with thoughts of the OW and the kids. Let it go at the monment, as it won't do you any good. She probably is banging on about meeting them/caring for them etc to ingraciate herself more with you H, but thats becasue she's insecure bunny boiler - which we already know.

Instead tell you H that if the OW wants to help with the kids then she is to allow him to see them unhindered ona Saturday without demands to leave early. If she can manage this ( which is unlikely), then it's shows some form of understanding.

Your H should be careful what he wishes for. It is likely that they will not take to the OW once they know the truth, and also there respect and relationship with their father will suffer. If you said they could only meet if all children knew the truth, and the implications for there life choices etc - I bet he wouldn't be falling over himself for this.

I think you're being fab btw - and when I log on and see how strong your being etc, and his miserable whimperings ' oh this is so sad' blah blah I'm giving you a virtual high five !! Keep posting, it brightens my day to see you moving on.

I also want to say - that you really are in a win win situation. The more you detach the quicker you will be able to get on with your new life and all the exciting things that brings.
And if there is to be any reconciliation between you and your H , then he needs to get over the OW. He will be unable to do this if everything he is missing there he gets from you. Like chatting in car when is bored, etc.

Also how do you know she is under presure to have kids from her parents etc, looks down on SAHM etc - Probably becuase he has discussed it with you!!! Don't particiapte in these conversations. If he wants to talk about her then let him talk TO her. You ar enot avliable to be his own personal therapist!

Is it his parents or your parents that are helping with childcare? - What are his parents view of it all.

Congratulations to your lovely DCs, you must be so proud!

I think you're quite right not to dump any gory details on them. The explanation you've given them sounds like it will do very well for now, although I think it's important to avoid any direct lies. When the truth does out, as one day it inevitably will, you don't want them to feel they can't trust you. It'll be bad enough when they find out what their father has done.

HORSESANDCHICKENS: Thanks your your advice, my mum can't forgive him for what he has done and refuses to have anthing to do with him. His parents have been great, they are very close to the DC's and told me from the beginning, I am a daughter to them. They also told DH that as far as they were concerned the OW does not exist to them, they do not want anything to do with her. A fact I think DH has not passed on to her as she keeps pushing to meet with DH mum to 'give her side of the story'!!!. Think they think everyone should have got over what they have done by now. Dont think they really understand how much hurt this has all caused.

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: Thanks for your comments. Sometimes I wonder whether I am doing the right thing re: what to tell the DC's, But deep down I think I am and its good that others agree. This morning DH rang to check on the kids and he told me that OW had wanted him to tell DS about her at the football match they went to on Sat. He never mentioned any of this to me! When I asked him why he said, 'well I don't think I wanted to' so thats why I didnt tell you. Apparently OW was v.upset on Saturday night to find out he hadnt spilled the beans. Said she doesn't want to be 'a mistress' wants to be involved in their lives, wants to get to know them! There is really no let up in this, she just keeps on pushing H constantly to reveal the whole truth. Told him it was between HIM AND I what and when we told OUR children and NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. He said she demands that he tells them before xmas. This is a person who claims to care about their welfare. Was so incensed I actually rang her but she didnt answer!

Solost - don't call her. You're not going to stop at the welfare of the children are you?

Just leave it - Otherwise she'll know she is pushing your buttons!!!

Concentrate on getting the message of to your H that it is a non negotiable point. The children will be told by MUTAL decision, what and when. The OW is immaterial in this decision.

I'm so glad to hear that H grandparents are understanding as well. You sound like you have a good support network there.

meant H's parents - doh

Oh good luck Solost.

I went through something similar to you but wasn't strong enough to push DP away. He wanted his cake and eat it. Stupidly I let him for fear of DS losing his Dad. We worked things through over many years and he deeply regrets what he did now BUT I lost so much of myself. Too much.

Think I'm just trying to say stay strong and true to yourself. You deserve better.