Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Solost, I could have written your posts myself having been through a similar thing.

Keep up the detachment from him, you don't have to listen to his crap anymore. Keep conversations to about the DC and that's it. Your not interested in how the OW is his soul mate or whatever other rubbish he spouts. Your life is of no concern to him you can do what you want when you want to (around dc obviously!)

That's how things will be if you are not together so show him the consequence of his actions now.

I understand that it is so hard when all you want to do is talk to him but you have started to make yourself unavailable to him so keep it up!

Start forging ahead with your new life without him in it, you may realise that you don't want him in it anymore and the OW is well and truly welcome to him (almost 2 years on that's how I feel!)

Maybe not right now but he will regret this and realise the grass isn't greener. My H is living with OW and if you asked him if he was happy he would answer 'I don't know what I am' would he do things differently? 'fucking hell yes'

Back to 2008/9 I would have loved to have heard them words, now? I just think well you made your bed now lay in it. OW doesn't trust him and follows him around everywhere and I am glad that I don't have to be the one worrying about what he is doing with who.

Stay strong and surround yourself with friends and family. Your dc will help you smile. Thinking of you.

Dear OP. Have just read the whole thread and wanted to send a message of support. It must be so hard for you now wanting things to be as they were before. As I have read wise women say so often on other threads they can't be that way again so sadly what you want you can't have. Only you can decide whether you want him back and want to construct something different with him. What I am really seeing in the other posts though is that it must be about what you want (not what he wants)and also that it will take some time before you can know what it is that you want. I think that you are lucky to have these wise women advising you, having just read the whole thread you seem stronger all the time. Wishing you the best outcome for you.

THUMBWITCH: Thanks for your comments, I think what you describe is beginning to happen already - the bad days are getting less and yes I can see traits in his behavious appearing that were probably surpressed. The kids already seem calmer since his departure and the house resembles a time - albeit a happy one - loads of kids round, loads of mess - things DH hated - he liked the house to be a tidy, calm place, however we prefer the noisy chaotic one! Still moving on alone is still a v.scary prospect, but one day at a time.

sending a hug x

DDTT: Thanks - gratefully received x

JUST A BIT: Thank you, your words are so true but am still so sad that the man I thought he was and the relationship I thought we had was worth so little to him in the end. Think I am starting to let go though and think of me and the DC's.

MOONCHASER: Thanks for your support, I am interested to see how things 'panned out' for you and is comforting to see how you now see your XH and how you have moved on. Think at the moment I cannot see/feel how I could move to that stage but is good to hear that it will happen - it is possible.

HORSESANDCHICKENS: Thanks for your support. Am getting a whole new perspective since posting this thread and seeing things from a different place, am starting to not like what I see! Think im getting a reality check.

WWIFN: Have continued to practice the 'detached' attitude to his call today. However, he seems to be playing me at my own game! Is equally detatched and doesnt seem bothered at all? What do you read into it - am not weakening by the way, would have asked him what his problem was but just said see ya and put the phone down. Your thoughts?

MSBOOGIE: Am continuing with the 'distancing' but am not sure am getting the desired effect. But also not sure I care anymore either! You are right, I really would'nt want him back at the moment, he is a total mess and even blames the problems he having over with the OW on the situation with me and the DC's - apparently they can't cope with the guilt! Shame they didn't feel the same guilt when they were shagging in hotel rooms whilst I was at home looking after the DC's and worrying about him working too hard! - What a mug eh? Think the scales are starting to fall.

Keeping his options open, simple as. Harsh but from my own experience(s) true. Except I turned out to be the OW

Get some loads of distance, stop taking his calls, just pass the phone onto the nearest DC when he rings, and for god sake stop being so nice to him, he must be loving it: All he has to do is cry, say he's sorry and bam! He gets laid. It's not hard, infact he may have a few more women on the go, except the tears will be because his wife "just don't understand him!"

Solost All I would read into his attitude today is that at that specific moment, things were probably going well with the OW. Either that, or you're going to tell us that in addition to all his other faults, he's a sulker who is moody when he doesn't get exactly the response he anticipated. So because you've wrong-footed him in the past 2 days, he's feeling unsettled and is feeling a bit huffy, poor lamb .

You don't say how old your DCs are, but do any of them have mobiles that he can ring to speak to them, rather than bothering you? Or depending on your phone tariff, can you turn the tables a bit and get the DCs to phone him? At the moment, I daresay he is timing these calls to suit him - and well out of earshot of the OW. He most certainly won't want her to know that he has been sleeping with both of you, in recent times.

The best way is not to speak to him at all, if you can help it. Or communicate by E mail or text because that will stop you getting drawn into conversations with him.

Cut off his supply as much as you can. The control you'll start to feel will be amazing, as you've realised in a few short days.

I think you did exactly the right thing, solost! He was hoping to engage your sympathy so that you would ask him what was wrong, thus demonstrating that you still give a damn and that you are still firmly on the hook. Instead, you showed that you are not bothered what mood he is in or why, and that it is no longer your responsibility to make him feel better - I could hug you for being so strong and doing so well!

Just read this thread and have got in such a rage by your last post i can't help but comment! You are being so strong and coming to realise you can move on and he has the cheek to say:

'...they can't cope with the guilt'.

And why exactly does he think that might be your problem? Or that you might give a damn in the slightest about the terrible trauma he is suffering? There is nobody to blaim here but himself and he can sod off and weep his little heart out about his supposed guilt to his OW or get a bloody counsellor if it is so awful for him. You on the other hand should be taking care of yourself and have absolutly no reason or obligation to listen to his selfish pathetic whining.

Well, really!
What an arse!

Solost, While I am at that stage with my H now it did take a long while for me to get there!

There was months of indecision around him. Him wanting to come back and me finding out the OW was STILL on the scene, phone calls he made to me by 'accident' in which I could hear conversations between him and OW.

At the time I wasn't doing as well as you and was hanging on his every word. It didn't do me any good and just dragged the heartbreak out.

It sounds like you are now getting angry with him which is what you need to do. I was a bit of a pushover and took months to find my anger.

I think like someone else said he is keeping his options open still. Probably not been calling as much because OW is around (mine still changes attitude on the phone when OW is around)

You say you feel like a mug for worrying about him working too hard at the time but you really shouldn't. You was just being a loving wife caring about him. Why would you think there was any other cause for concern. I thought my H was depressed, sitting around sulking in a foul mood but it was all to do with the OW. Must be part of the script that they all play out.

You doing so well - Keep it up!

I've just been reading this thread and my heart goes out to you as just over a year ago I discovered my (D)H of 21 years had been having an affair for 13months with one of his clients. She was, in his words, the greatest love of his life and he was willing to walk away from everyone and everything he loved to be with her.

Took him back because I (thought) I loved him enough to forgive him and we had a surreal 7 weeks, until 1st Jan when I discovered they were still in contact and arranging to meet.

I won't bore you with all the details, but Moonchaser mirrors me!

I am now so much more in control of my life then I ever dreamed possible this time last year (I'm ashamed to say I was so off the wall with the pain and grief that I tried to kill myself). You will get through this, not only get through it but come out the other end a better and stronger person.

I can now tolerate this person who was such an important part of my life for so many years. In fact, I 'enjoy' seeing him squirm when he comes over to my house (unfortunately he still owns half of it) which he does too frequently for my liking.

Needless to say, the OW, on finding out he'd finally left me (yes, I didn't have the opportunity to tell him where to go ), told him in no uncertain terms that he was just a bit of fun. He had moved on to the next woman within 2 weeks!!
Still with the poor soul, but she deserves him knowing his situation at that time - in fact she was his sister's (now ex) best friend.

My DD won't have anything to do with him which makes me very sad but she's 18 and has her own choices to make in life.

He's not happy with his new life and family - tough.

I am much better and he HATES that I'm not the snivelling wreck I was. He now sees me as in control of my life - new man, fab new job and contented.

That's on the surface of course, underneath I'm still destroyed and find it very hard to trust anyone. But I'm a realist and recognised after about 6 months that my future was of my making.

But friends are so important at this time - encompass yourself in yours and your DCs and you will move on.

Keep up the distance with this little oik; he will soon be regretting what he's done - doubtless he already is - and too bad!!

HUGS for you, too many of us have been through this.

Like someone said to me only yesterday, "men are not against you, they are merely for themselves"!!

Hi Solost, I have been reading this thread for days and there really isnt much more fantastic advice to add to what is already here for you !

You have in my opinion been extremely dignified throughout this thread, you seem to be a truly amazing woman ! I hope you know that !

Just something I would like to add; If you can at all, Get into a hobby you enjoy ?

Exercise classes ? Swimming ? Or whatever you enjoy doing, that you can submerge yourself in for a hour or so a couple of times a week..... If you can get the time to do this I strongly recommend it.

It will give you time to be yourself, the woman you are, just for you. This I think will make you even stronger. Something to make you feel really good about YOU !

Be strong x

Go on solo tell us something you have done for you today. If not let's plan something for tomorrow? Will your children be in school?

MOONCHASER: Thanks for your advice, am still cutting calls short, not answering texts and guess what? He made an impromptue call round to the house this afternoon (he still has a key as his is paying the mortgage), wanted to know if I was ok etc. gave him short shrift but it was so hard, can tell I have unsettled him - GOOD!

LIFEMOVESON: Thank you for telling your story, is comforting to know I am not alone and am already feeling stronger knowing other people have been through the same and HAVE got over it.

JOANNE34: Was an avid gym goer before all this, tried to keep in shape after 3 kids and thought I looked pretty good. Fat lot of good that did though! The OW is - how can I put this, a somewhat 'larger' build than me! Lost all motivation for a while but am getting back into it. Have lost almost 3 stone so lost motivation but as my appitite returns so does the motivation.

DDTT: Went to the gym this morning - felt good! Had a haircut and new colour earlier in the week, now just need a good nite out I think, but difficult with 3 DC's and their relentless social calendar!!!

HITBR: I felt bloody angry too. He also told me the OW is feeling guilty too - I told him - maybe she should have thought about that when she was shagging you in the hotel rooms, she didnt feel too guilty then! Nor does she feel guilty when she keeps demanding he leaves the DC's early at the weekend because: she needs him to meet her friends, she's booked him a hair appt and other pathetic excuses.

Bet your hair looks great. What a silly, stupid, man. Ok now get him to care for his children and book that night out. Go on.

The distance your putting between you both is getting to him already then. Well done for keeping it up while he was there. I understand how hard it is.

New hair too, he really will be wondering whats going on! Bet it made you feel better taking some time out for yourself and having shiny new hair

Cant believe he told you OW is feeling guilty! Did he expect your sympathy? Shocking. I think the reason she is trying to drag him away from visits is because she already doesn't trust him. Hardly a happy content relationship they have is it. Its built on lies and neither of them can take that back.

Like DDTT said previously, let him have the DC and go out with your friends. Will do you good!

Solost you are doing so well.

I am feeling rather low at the moment, keep hearing rumours about DH and OW at work, makes it really hard to move forward.

ROMNEYMARSH: Sorry you are feeling low, must be difficult hearing stuff about DH and OW at work. At least my DH and OW are both working far, far away from us at the moment. However, must confess had a slight wobble myself today, when H came round he was so concerned there was something wrong with me, he stood really close, held my face in his hands and asked me to tell him what was wrong, for a moment I could really see the man I loved so much for so long and my heart broke all over again but, I pulled away and said nothing, nothings wrong at all. He told me he saw bitterness in my eyes, I saw concern and kindness in his and it hurts so much that we are no longer together BUT I am feeling stronger and accept I will have these wobbles from time to time. Hope you feel better/stronger tommorrow x

Solost that must have been so hard, I can understand why you are having a wobble over that. I know when my DH has been to see me he leaves me totally confused as he always kisses me and hugs me. I haven't seen him for over a month now, find that difficult too as I feel he has detached from me totally.

I haven't cried for a few weeks but laying here in bed all alone and missing my soulmate like mad. I know I shouldn't think of him as that anymore after all the lies and deceit!

Must dry my tears and do some revision, really can't quite retain any information at the moment.

solost there is no way in hell that the relationship with the OW can work out if he is so obviously still invested in some kind of relationship with you. He clearly thinks he owns you and is trying to "keep" you. If he is idiot enough to tell you she is the love of his life or whatever crap he came out with, he is probably telling her he is worried about the reason for your strange mood. What a galloping twerp he is!

Whatever the future holds for your marriage, your future happiness and mental welfare are to be found entirely within yourself. Nothing to do with him or whether he returns or not. Learn to be independent and to not need to depend on anyone but yourself for happiness. That way, when it comes to it, you will be strong enough to make the right decision for you, for the right reasons.

I think he will eventually try to come back when he realises the grass is greener back home, or when he realises that you might be slipping from his sweaty grasp. They quite often do come back. Then carry on with the OW. Then leave again when the OW gives them an ultimatum.

Good on you for looking after yourself. That shows you have guts and re getting stronger by the day. But please don't let him torture you like he did, with the face in hands malarky. Loving looks my arse!

Loving is as loving does. That chap only love himself at the moment.

"he stood really close, held my face in his hands and asked me to tell him what was wrong"

This makes me want to vomit. What does he think is wrong, ffs?

Can I suggest you read up on narcissism?