Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

Solost, I can believe that you would want to sleep with him and know those feelings of desperately wanting him back, even though you know about his infidelity. I experienced the same with my exDP.

WWIFN scenario is certainly true for my experience.

Mine left when I discovered his 3 year affair and told him to chose. He maintained he loved me still and didn't want to leave, and for 2 weeks after discovery we had this weird relationship, where we actually talked and had lots of sex. He had hardly spoken of his feelings for the previous 20 years!!!

I know now he played with my emotions for such a long time while he made his mind up what he wanted, and I can't believe what a fool I was to put up with it.

Once I had my lightbulb moment and asked him to chose and leave, I began to recover, it's taken a long time. I am a little over a year on, I have a new boyfriend (too early for DP status) and have had several dates. My divorce is going through, which will always fill me with sadness as we did have a good marriage before OW appeared.

I hope that you can be strong and wise-up to the bull shit he will spout, as others have said it will be actions rather than words that prove his regret and remorse. Mine will still say he loves me and will never forgive himself for what he has done, but at the end of the day he is still living with OW.

You will then have to decide if you can forgive.

Thank you for your comments, I am beginning to see I am acting like a complete pushover - something I am definately not! Have taken everything on board and things are about to change!

ANYFUCKER: Have already been checked out - did that as soon as I found out - but found out later that the OW had asked H to get himself checked out before they did the deed - the cheeky cow!

Partytime: Sorry that things didnt work out for you. Do you feel that what happened to you was for the best? ATM I can't imagine being with anyone else - who would want to take on someone with so much baggage (and 3 DC?).

solost, there is a better man out there for you (than him)

WWIFN: Have taken your message on board - completely. Starting from today. Ignored all calls, told him I was out for the day - didnt say where. He came tonight to see DCs and casually asked if I had 'seen anyone' today. I gave him a vague non-commital answer - could tell it unsettled him.

Am feeling stronger already, even after 1 day, more in control. He is working away for the rest of the week and so will keep phone conversations short and to the point. Will let you know how it goes.

SEGB: Definately don't want to share him, regardless of what it looks like. For him to come back it has to be over, finished between them - completely.

CINDYSTILL: The 'soulmate' thing I know, it makes me so angry too. That all those years we had together seem to count for so little in the end. Thats why I cant believe that what they have together is real. Sometimes I feel he has had some kind of breakdown - everything he used to stand for, his morals and everything just gone. And I never would have believed he would leave the DC's for anyone/anything. I feel though that deep down somewhere, is the man I knew and loved for so long and one day he will return. Sounds so pathetic and crap when I read this back but I'll post it anyway - maybe will look back at this in a few weeks and see what an idiot i'm being.

ANYFUCKER: Do you really think so? He's the only one I've really known. Have met so many men during the time we've been together and of course some I have even been attracted to but no-one has ever measured up to H. God even I am getting pissed off with myself now! Need to get a more positive attitude!

solost, just picking up on your comment "for him to come back it has to be over (with OW)"

come back ?

I don't get it

he has the best of both worlds now...why will anything change for him (unless you decide to change it...which is completely within your power, you know)

desperate housewife at home, willing to do anything to keep her wandering man and keeping the home fires burning; fresh new meat at the other place where he gets to tell all sorts of bollocks about himself

doormat is an understatement, seriously

cross posted

of course there are better men out there

not all men are cheating, deceiving, emotional abusers

you need to think carefully about that

Anyfucker: Thanks 'doormat' is a very apt description of me at the moment - I can see that now. And maybe thats what I've always been? I always considered myself an assertive person who knew what they wanted and wouldn't take any sh** from anyone. I also told people that if my H ever had an affair (which of course would never happen!), that would be it, he'd be out of the door. But look at me now. It's true that you never really know how you will react until faced with the situation, but thanks to you and the other posters I'm having a bit of a reality check. Thank you for that.

are you going to stop sleeping with him ?

I mean really stop ?

I want to say at this juncture, you are worth a thousand of him.

You and your children deserve better than this. Would you be happy for both of you to be teaching them that this is the way to live your life ?

Self-entitled, arrogant man wants to find himself (by diving into another woman's knickers)

Submissive wife thinks she has to hang onto him at all cost to her self-respect and emotional well-being.

No.

You don't have to do that. You don't have to continue to follow his script as so eloquently posted by WWIFN.

Make your own script, that doesn't involve you losing yourself.

It sounds as though you have him up on a pedestal solost. Knock him down to where you can look him straight in the face and see him properly.

I hope I've leaned that everyone is capable of being the person you think they can't be.

yes, kick that pedestal into the dirty, dusty corner it belongs in

this man is a wanker

never too late to open your eyes

I'll pull out one phrase that had the mist descend for me.

"But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'"

Honey, seriously, who would take that?

Who would sit there and NOT tell him to FF the FF off and when he gets there to FF off some more!

You need to get really bloody angry with him. After 17 years? How very dare he treat you like this.

Take a break, take a long hard look at this specimen. Find your dignity, your self-respect and esteem and hang on to them for dear life.

They will always serve you better than this Dog with 2 Dicks.

Read back your OP, read the thread and pretend this is you advising someone else. Tell the OP what you think she should do. I'm willing to bet, sit there and wait for him to come home is not what you would advice.

You think you miss him? You do, but you are missing the man you thought he was. He is NOT that man, he is a cheating, lying home and heart wrecker who puts his dick above his family.

he deserves nothing but contempt.

Wow - so you are already taking back control but deciding when and if you will speak to him. That is a big step from your first posts.

Now plan something for you, seeing a friend, getting haircut/coloured even just mooching in a book shop before choosing something to read with wine/chocolate. Do you know when he will next have to children? How is this bit going to play out?

I agree with Don'tDiss (how are you, by the way ) that you appear to have moved on a lot since you started this thread, OP. Keep re-reading it if you have a wobble and never forget an old, but powerful assertiveness trick. Never allow yourself to be rushed into giving an answer if he asks a question. Say you will reflect on that, because you don't know the answer yet.

LittleMissHissyFit actually the H's revelation that his feelings are "deeper" for the OW made me laugh in this particular case. Of course, the reverse is true and what he means is that the feelings are more "to the surface". It's amazing how perfectly rational people can't see that lust and infatuation are felt more keenly than deeper, more withstanding love and the reason these seem more powerful is because those feelings are new.

Let's not forget that this relationship was only 5 months old before he decided that "true love conquers all."

Yes, what he has/ had with his wife is attachment and love, what he has with the OW is fantasy and infatuation.
He is not emotionally aware enough to see the difference.

WWIFN: This morning, I put your suggestions into practice. He texted to see if the DCs were OK. I ignored it. 15 mins later he rang - i ignored that too. He rang and rang, I left it for about an hour before answering. Told him I had been out. A couple of weeks ago he told me their relationship was 70% good 30% bad, but the bad was due to 'his guilt about what he had done to us!!!!'. Now I see, we are blamed for problems in his new relationship. I asked him at the time what percentage our relationship was 'good and bad' before all this started, he told me 100% GOOD. Am beginning to see what a loser he is. But am scared that the longer this goes on, the less respect I have for him. Am wondering, is that a good thing? Want the 'old H' to re-appear, the good, kind, man who was so proud of his family and always put us 1st. Do you really think he is gone forever? Am beginning to see what a total wanker he is being - not sure I like this realisation!

SOLO: You are so right, thats exactly what I did. Am certainly having my eyes opened now! Just can't believe that the person I thought I knew and loved for 27 years turned out to be a total shit!

LMHF: You are also right, I always told ppl that if my H had an affair, that would be it - no second chance. But it's so hard to switch off feelings for someone. Think he's starting to do it for me though.

LOLASS: The infatuation thing is certainly true and I would never have had him down as someone to get infatuated with someone. The OW seems like an immature little girl, she is always trying to get him to return to her early when he is supposed to be with his DC's. Excuses so far for him having to leave early have been: meeting her friend (who incidently is also having an affair with a married man), a meeting SHE was having with a financial adivsor (on a Sat afternoon??) and a hair appt????? - yes the man who always nipped into the barbers when he needed a haircut now has hair appts made for him at the local hairdressers!!!! Feel like someone has taken over his body, he looks the same, sounds the same, but whats inside is soooo different. And he defends her every time. She arranged for him to be at some other familys bonfire party, his excuse for this was 'she didnt realise the date'!!! - at what point? when she wrote it on the calender on 5 NOV or when they told her it was a BONFIRE PARTY. I feel I am now having railroad him into seeing more of his DC's something I NEVER thought would happen.

Oh my heart goes out to you solost. I have been EXACTLY where you are now. Your posts ring so true for me.

You want your husband back. The man you thought he was.

You're making excuses for him. Blaming everything else, stress, work, anything to help you come to terms with how he could have done this.

You're allowing him to come and go as he pleases. So he is.

And how dare he check up on you and get angry when you go out with friends!

Now I don't blame you for any of that. I did it all and felt exactly the same! But - now I can see it from the other side I can see what an absolute tw**s these men are!!!

He is most definitely having his cake and eating it.

It's ok for him to walk out with a few days notice and be with the woman he wants. Knowing full well you will pick up the pieces with the children and he'll know what you're up to 24 hours a day! And when he doesn't, he will call and text until he does!!

As for the wedding ring, my ex did the same, always wore it. Made me think deep down he just couldn't bare the thought of actually losing me and valued the marriage.

Bollocks! I later found out that the minute he left my house he would take it off! And the one time he forgot, the OW went mad at him so much so that he pretended to throw it away to appease her!!!

Please please please, do not try to belittle how hurt you are or how much you want your marriage back and the man you married. But at the same time, take away that respect you had for him and put it back onto yourself. Respect yourself to set some boundaries and tell him that if he wants to be with her, he can bloody well be with her. Full time.
And show him the FULL consequences of that.

I had 4 years of this. I allowed him to come and go, play the good husband for a few days, then the confused person, then he was stressed, then he wanted her, for 4 years!!
Please learn from my mistakes and try everything in your power to take the control back in this situation xx

Solost - my DH admitted he was infatuated with OW and not sure he was in love with her, he saved her! she had just finished with her fiancee and was going into work everyday crying, he was asked to have a word with her as he was her boss and took her for a coffee when she started crying one morning (he told me she was having a near nervous breakdown). Im not doing that well either thank you!. How old is your DH OW?

He is totally blinded by the fact that she went to Uni and is so intelligent and couldnt believe she was interested in him. The man I loved and cherished has changed so much, as you say he looks the same and sounds the same but an alien has inhabited his body as he doesnt make any sense.

My counsellor said the man that stands in your kitchen talking to you now, is that the man you want back? I said no I want the man he was back, and she said that man doesnt exist anymore!

Im not sure if they do return to the person they once were, I will say my ExH who changed into an alien back in 1999 did admit he regretted leaving and knew that he had made a mistake about 2 months after he left but forged on regardless, he lasted 18 months with his OW. I do hope current DH does one day realise he has made a mistake and hopefully I would have moved on with my life. But I am finding it so hard as I loved him so much.

ROMNEYMARSH: I agree exactly with what you say. Its like I just can't get through to the rational person he once was. So I am going to take WWIFN and the others advice although am finding it v.difficult at the moment. He's away on business at the moment and likes to chat on the phone (hands free) of course in the car. Gonna put a stop to that.

DISHPOM: What was the outcome with you H? Is he still with you? with the OW? I asked about the wedding ring - you are kind of right, he said he takes it off sometimes when he's with her and her family then wears it sometimes? The OW doesn't like it apparently! Probably reminds her of what he is/what they have done!

ROMNEYMARSH: My H feels like he 'saved' her too. Apparently when they first met, she had a downer on all men cos she'd been badly treated so he decided to show her that 'all men arn't bastards'!!!!!?? - by leaving his DW and DCs??? - he kind of got the irony when I pointed this out to him! - but his head is so far gone in this, I think it just washed over him.

solost - having been through similar, without DC thank goodness, I can say that there has been a switch in his head that will be difficult to reverse. As time goes on, and he shows more and more bastardy towards you and your DC, the less likely it is that you would want him back.

I kept a tab on my declining need for him to return - in the very beginning, I would have taken him back for sure. After a couple of months, this was down to about 75% chance. By 6m, it was only 50:50. At the end of the year, there was no way (but I only had myself to consider).

I could not believe how much the man I had been with for 11 years had changed - and later I realised that he hadn't changed really, he'd just stopped hiding all those bits of him that didn't fit well into our relationship. We all adapt our behaviours to a certain extent to fit with our partner - and once not with that partner, the need to do that goes away - so it appears the ex has some new and unpleasant behaviours, whereas they were probably there the whole time, just suppressed. So yes - the man you thought you really knew probably wasn't the whole of him.

The irony of him showing the OW that "all men aren't bastards" by leaving his family for her is immense! Although he doesn't appear to be thinking rationally, he may never start to think in a way that you consider rational again (i.e. what a knob he has been for chucking his family away to be a "knight in shining armour")

It's a hard road to travel - the realisation that the man you loved for so long thinks it's ok to do these things to you is hard to deal with. There will be days when you are stronger and think "that's it! He's never coming back, I can't believe he thinks he can treat me like this" and nights when you sob yourself to sleep, just wishing that he was there to put his arms around you and tell you it's going to be ok. AS time goes by, the former will become more frequent and the latter less frequent, but it's not a steady change - sometimes 3 steps forward, 2 steps back - but you will get through it.

Solost I'm so pleased you are making changes to the way you react to him. Just keeping adding to those actions and the more you do it, the more you'll see him in a true light.

I think Thumbwitch is spot on. It seems as though your H has undergone some sort of body transplant, but I'd wager that the more distance you put between you, the more clarity you will gain about the clues that were there all along.

I bet you can recall hundreds of examples of selfishness, self-absorption, arrogance, egotism and lousy character judgement in your marriage and that you wouldn't even have to put your mind to it, to recall some very vivid memories.

And the problem with people like this is that they have a hugely inflated perception of themselves as a "good person". No doubt like Romney's H, he liked to frame his attentions towards the OW as the actions of a kind man tending to a damsel in distress. Let me tell you both, that kindness would have been in short supply if the OW weighed 20 stone and had warts on her chin .

Likewise Romney I think you are at last getting some insight into your H's motivations and seeing that this "nice man" is actually a boss who abused his position and despite the fact that you had been so hurt by your exH, when the opportunity came to do exactly the same to you, he took it.

It would do you both the power of good actually, to start recalling other examples of what you're seeing now. I bet you'll have the same revelations as Thumbwitch and see that they haven't changed at all, these men.

What you are seeing is what was always there, just magnified because the cruelty is exclusively focused on you now. Infidelity really never happens in a vaccuum - there are always behaviours and character traits present to allow it - and that applies to women as well as men.

The best way of detaching is to act as though you've detached and have moved on. For a while, you'll get the puppy dog expressions and tales of hurt and sorrow, but after a while, you'll see anger, stroppiness and indignation, because you have dared to stop being an emotional and sexual crutch for them when they are at a loose end. But when you see the latter behaviour, by that time the scales will have fallen from your eyes so much, that it won't have the same power to hurt you.

Hi Solost,

I'm new to the thread, but have read it all, and my heart breaks for you.

Firstly - Tell him to take his wedding ring off. The unity it signifies is gone, and this should be pointed out to him. Take the piss out him - this man full of integrity who chooses whether to wear or not to wear depending on who he is seeing. Ask him whos benefit he wears it for. If its for you - it is not needed - if its for him - then he's not in the nice happy fluffy place with his new relationship.

Then tell him how you need to move on. And all those long conversations of emotional attachment will be stopping. That they are gping to basis of your new relationship with somebody else. Its the private bit you keep for your significant other, and he has given up that role - and cannot recieve the benefits. He shouldn't require to have this attachment to yiu, as he is after all with his 'Soul mate'. Point this out to him !!! Demonstrate what he is losing, and what is missing from his cyrrent relationwhip.

I don't thinmk there is any harm in explaning to him what your perceptin of the situation is as per WWIFN very very good synopsis of what happened, and how he's just following a script. It might be the catalyst to start to break the spell - this isn't some massive world stopping love affair - he's just a sad statistic.

I would tell him all this when he phones on his hands free - when after you've hung up - it;s just him iin the car with his thoughts - going roubd and round and round.

Tell him, while your scared of whats the round the corner - it's all exciting and new - you've been with him since 16 - and you've got a lot of catch up to do.

Force him to think of his life wihtout you in it.

Sorry for typo's - bouncing a baby - and typinf fast becasue I'm so angry on your behalf!!

wow, just read this whole thread and what fantastic advice!

On one hand I hope you put it into practice OP and on the other hand I sort of don't because the only thing that will make him want to come back is if he thinks he can't have you at the click of a finger. Him coming back would not be the best thing at this point.

The OW sounds very insecure. She is obviously immense threatened by you and given that she should be well acquainted with the smell of deceit, she is probably deeply suspicious of the nature your continued relationship with him. Her throwing him out was no doubt an attempt to get him to commit to distancing himself from you further.

If you do lead him to understand that you are moving on and are no longer willing to be complicit in assuaging his guilt by allowing him to keep you dangling it will no doubt have a deleterious knock- on effect in his relationship with her. God forbid she should see that he is jealous or enraged at the thought of your meeting another man!!