Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

LMHHHF: Thanks . For some reason - not sure why? I am feeling much more positive today. Really appreciate your support x

EMMYLOULOU: Thank you. Not sure why he put me down on his co-car form - just filled it out at the time, never really thought to ask but afterwards......?

KANGAROOCAUGHT: I do remember - thanks for reminding me. x

ROBBERBUTTON: It's true, he worked at his current co for 19 years, worked his way up from the factory floor to a senior management position and had a lot of friends there. Not sure how many are still friends? But he has mentioned that he is not 'treated the same' and things 'don't feel right' there anymore. The thing is can you really run from your past? He's definately trying to cut all ties from his 'previous life' but what he did will be with him always wont it? Thanks for the hug How are you today by the way?

KANGAROOCAUGHT: I am sure you are right, I sense things are moving on and I am sad about it. But today I feel different again, more positive again. Hope it continues!

WWIFN: You were right o wise one!! Now H is 'not sure DC's can take all the information'. Thanks for the advice x

solost - I think H is embarrassed and doesn't want to admit to his DC what he has done. I hope you make sure he does and that he doesn't sugar coat it or make it seem like it was at all anything to do with you or them.

Tell him, solost - they're young, not stupid! Of course they can handle the one extra fact that their father has another woman - it's not like it needs a tremendous amount of intelligence to grasp the concept, is it?

Coward, he is. Spineless. Kipper. Mind you - one upside is that he obviously isn't planning on introducing them to her any time soon if he doesn't even want to mention her to them!

Just remind him - the WHOLE truth or you will do it for him. Nothing else will do.

Hi solost :) glad you're feeling better today. I had a blinder yesterday, housework in morning, friend over for lunch, made biscuits with DCs in afternoon and made a fish pie for tea! Paid for it today though, just sat and cried all afternoon while DCs watched something horrendous like 4 hours of telly . Oh well, it won't be forever, will have to prepare myself to feel more drained after anything 'normal'.

Anyway, back to you (ahem)! ;) I'm so sorry for you in this conundrum of what to tell the DCs. How old are they? I've run through this scenario too in my head, but mine are 5, 2 and 1. Like other posters have said, I wouldn't want to tell them that WE don't love each other any more, as that wouldn't be true. Wishing you huge amounts of luck that you find the right words and they take it ok. And that your H stops dicking around about it

Hi Solost,

What to tell the children is very difficult and I have no experience of this situation, so my thought might be less than useful. Here it is for your consideration anyway.

Best to be honest, although that has to be couched in a way that is not scary for the children. I wonder whether hearing that father no longer loves mother but both still love the children is very difficult for children to understand. (After all he is leaving them too.) Mightn't they worry that this love thing can just stop and that therefore husband (and even you!) might just stop loving them? They might not reason it out or articulate it, but it's the sort of thing that might just strike them as something to worry about.

I wonder whether it is worth trying to tell them that husband has 'fallen in love with someone else' which means that he can't stay with mother. Husband still loves children (and actually still loves mother, if it comes up) but wants to live with OW because he is 'in love' with her. You could also explain that people sometimes behave as if they are a bit crazy and do stupid things when they are 'in love'.

Or are they too young to be told and expected to understand that there is a difference between loving someone and 'being in love'?

RRocks

Thanks you all for your comments, I really appreciate them. The upshot is, I spoke to H last night - for quite a long time. And he is refusing to tell the DC's about BB - says he 'doesn't want to damage them?' and that it is better for them to hear all the info 'a piece at a time'.

I really need ALL your advice on how to tackle this one. H is coming over later today 'to discuss' then seeing the DC's, so I won't be back til late to check out your advice.

This is the most difficult situation of my life.

WWIFN: Are you there? Really need your advice atm. I've got to get this bit right.

Solost - Your H is being a cowardly knob - he is not worried about damaging the DC, he is worried about damaging HIMSELF in their eyes! What a prick! Does he really think he's going to get away with this?

Your H does not get to call the shots on this! He is not there to pick up the pieces, YOU are!

However, you are in a pickle because you still haven't seen a solicitor yet, and your H coudl turn nasty if you go against his pathetic wishes and talk about BB.

It looks to me as though he is going to make out that you and he have split through differences and that later he will claim to have "met someone else" so it looks like there was a decent break - the fucker!

I'm hoping that your oldest child at least will ask awkward questions that your H is spectacularly unable to answer - and he will end up lying. at which point, I think you have to say "you must tell them the truth!"

I really feel for you, this is so shite - I hope someone with actual experience of this can tell you it will be ok, but I am very worried about his deviousness. And what will happen if you undermine it.

You have to keep trying to explain to him that his LYING to his DC is going to be far more damaging to them than them being told the true state of affairs. you can also throw in a comment about "it's not like it's going to change any time soon, is it, so what's the point in delaying?"

(((Hugs))) to you - I am so :( for you in this situation.

I have missed how old your DC are.

Agree with Thumb. He's worried about damaging their perception of him. It won't damage the DC at all. They will just see that he is at fault for this. And they will see that it is unacceptable behaviour in a marriage and you are being a stellar role model in not putting up with it. :)

oh my god. That was meant to be a :(. The parentheses are right next to each other and I was typing fast. So, very sorry.

And
((((((((hugs)))))))) to you

Solost, I can't stay on long here but I do want to say that your Ex gave up his right to make that decision when he walked on on his children. He does not have a veto on what you say to them.

Did you have a veto on whether he shagged another woman? Hmmm don't think so.

I don't have experience of this myself but in my family there are children (who are now adults) and they were lied to about their parrent's split. It is only now that the truth ois coming out and having to work out that their parents lied to them. Its hugely distressing for them

The other thing is that if you do not take control of this situation, you Ex may turn this round and make you the person to blame. He's a complete coward in not wanting them told and you really don't want someone like that in charge of your DCs emotional welfare.

Apologies for the rant . Tell you DCs, they probably already know. You are their role model and need to show them that their happiness is paramount here. Not the happiness of their deserting father.

Put on a hard hat and do what you need to do. Follow your instincts, not his pathetic pleadings. You get to decide here - honestly. Good luck.

Solo, if you need WWIFN, perhaps send her a PM, click Message Poster link on RHS of any one of her messages and it ought to email her.

Thumb is totally right. I feel angry and sad on your behalf. I would say to him:
The children need to know the truth. You are worried about how it will affect your relationship with the children, not about their feelings. I know it's difficult for you [pah!]. But if we don't tell them the whole truth now, they are bound to find out from someone else later. The fallout will be much worse. Whatever I think about your behaviour in private, I will support you in front of the children, because I think it's important that you maintain a good relationship.

Hopefully, he'll then agree. However, don't bank on it. And stop these long conversations. In a nutshell, you want him to tell the children, this is the right course of action, he must do it. It would be awful if they did find out from someone else.

Then I would ask that you be taken off his car insurance - that was all about him looking good to other people as well, no doubt at no cost to himself. "Look, we may have split up, but we're still friends. I still take care of her and the children."

Then both tell the children. If I were you, I would tell them that this Xmas you won't all go to the restaurant together as it's not appropriate, but have something fun lined up as a backup.

Good luck with everything. I'm sure someone with better advice will come along soon. I'm sure that if you're honest and upfront with the children, they will be fine. Take care. x

Well at least he won't be pushing for them to be introduced to her anytime soon if they don't know of her existence?!

Do YOU think it would be too much for them to hear he has someone else, or is it better to keep it as simple as possible for them?

To be honest, the simplest explanation IS "Daddy has found someone that he loves more than mummy and has gone to live with her but he still loves you DC just as much and always will".
Otherwise, why else has he gone away? Why isn't he staying? Any lie will be unconvincing, and will leave the DC worrying secretly that it IS their fault. TRUTH is the only way.

OK

The children know something is wrong, after all their dad does not live with them anymore.

It is very likely that they know other families who do not have the 'traditional' nuclear arrangement, if they do not want to upset you it could be that questions are being asked at school?

It is therefore imperative that you say something to them, trust requires being open as well as not lying.

What to tell them, as another poster said, I suspect this can be largely child led if you are able to make a safe place for them to ask questions (and I am sure you can).

Not lying is obviously fundamental to this chat, and future relationships.

Reassuring them that both you and the silly man love them is another fundamental principle.

Ensuring that they know that they will continue to have a relationship with their father has to be a given.

His living arrangements need to be addressed honestly but be guided by what they want to know not what a very silly man wants to tell them. Another thing that arose in my situation is that the children were desperate (especially the younger one) to see where daddy slept. If this is the case they need to know that there is a woman there that their Daddy is 'in love' with. I utterly agree that they need to understand the difference between loving that will not stop (the love you have for them) and the being 'in love' which sometimes changes.

OK not quite WWIFN but hopefully something for you to think about and make your decisions!

The insurance thing is to make his insurance cheaper. If you put your wife or husband on the insurance, over certain ages, it'll decrease the premium. AND it makes him look good. When exactly would you be actually driving his car?

Would you ring him up ever and ask him to lend it to you? Can you see that ever happening? LOL, I can't. Can you imagine?

He has to tell his DC the truth. He thinks his telling them about HIS ACTIONS THAT HE DID OF HIS OWN FREE WILL will damage them?

What a fabulous foundation for a relationship eh?

If it was all true love's young dream, he'd be shouting it from the rooftops, surely. Wonder how he actually sleeps at night.

I don't envy him his sad little christmas. But even that is more than he deserves.

My feeling is that it has to be truthful, if there are lies it'll really harm them later on. They will end up making wholly inappropriate choices for partners.

I totally agree with the others who've posted - he's having his cake and eating it. You may think he's being caring and attentive to you when he wants to know how you are, but what's actually happening is that he's feeding his own ego by getting constant affirmation as to how sad and lost you are without him, whilst still going back to his other woman.

I know men like this, I was with one, and the only language they understand is zero contact. Obviously with 3 kids, that's not possible, but it IS possible for you to cut off his access to your personal emotions about the split. He only needs to know how you're doing for his own ego boost - don't tell him how you are. Leave him hanging, don't divulge any information about your life, if he asks if you're seeing someone, don't confirm or deny.

He needs to live in the reality of having JUST one woman - that's the only way you'll ever know if it's you or the OW he wants. When she becomes all he has both physically AND emotionally, then his true feelings for her will out (whether that's good or bad for you).

Good luck

Seems like everyone is saying the same thing, Solost (apart from your cowardly wankbag of a husband) - Lying is the worst thing that you can do to your DC, whether directly or by omission. They need the truth, all of it.

Incidentally, he doesn't want to mention the OW now, so that he appears in a better light with the children. Don't think that he won't still want to introduce the BB at the earliest possible opportunity. However, she will be the "new" friend, not the OW.

Please don't read into his reluctance to tell the children that his relationship with the BB is sticky.

Totally agree that lying is wrong - the truth always outs in the end, and it is much better to have managed truth in a kind way that the children can understand.

Solost I've followed your thread from the start. This is the first time I've really seen you falter. I agree with the others that it really seems you want him back. That's ok but right now you seem to be doing stuff that won't help you.

I agree that the children need to be told the truth. Here is a view that I always find helpful:
forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2452001
explaining why even young kids need to know the truth. I think it would be a mistake to leave it to H, he will lie. If you tell the kids, you can make sure they aren't lied to. H forfeited the right to have an agreement about what the dc's are told when he left them and yes he did leave them too.

As for xmas, I agree with the others that they are only looking forward to the meal b/c that's the message they're getting from you and they don't yet know the truth. I also agree that if you told them you've now decided the best thing to do would be to have a fab time at home, they would buy into that immediately. Get read made stuff from a supermarket if you can't face cooking. And if you can't face just the 3 of you b/c it feels too sad, have family over and tell them you need their help. I guarantee they will help you. When the dc look back on this xmas, I think they would prefer to remember that they were at home with people who love them, rather than being at a restaurant with a father who betrayed them. I think they're going to wonder what you were thinking to do that.

You've done brilliantly with this horrible situation. I think if you tell the dc's the truth and have xmas at home, H will start facing the reality of his situation. To not tell the dc's and have xmas lunch with him - cake eating and enabling in a big way. That won't help you or the dc's - the only person it 'helps' is H.

Absolutely agree with everyone else here. Cowardly wankbag is quite right.

I can clearly remember the conversation when both my parents sat me and my brother down to tell us they were splitting. I was 6, now I'm 39, and I can be back there in a second. It's really important to get it right, and you will, because your instincts are spot-on and you want to do the right thing for your children. Which is to tell them the truth.

Of course your H would love to say 'mummy and daddy just don't love each other any more', leave it a month or so, and then introduce the subject of the 'new girlfriend'. Because that makes him look so much better. If he doesn't want his children to see him as a faithless lying tosser, THEN HE SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING BEEN ONE. (sorry to shout)

And as someone said above, they will want to see where he's sleeping. That was the first thing my brother and I asked after that conversation. In our case it was mum who moved out, and I can remember being a bit excited about this 'new house' and asking if we could go there. They took us there straight away and it helped get the new reality straight in my head. They will want to see his place, and he has to be prepared to deal with that request, not you.

Lots of hugs to you. Chin up. When this is done, it will be an enormous weight off your mind xx

If he is worrying about "damaging" the children, does he not realise the damage is already done ?

Lying now will just compound that.

They will find out one day, and despise you both for it. Him for the lies, you for going along with it (if you do).

I don't actually believe that a marriage break-up "damages" children per se. You seem to be doing a brilliant job of making sure that doesn't happen.

however secrecy and lies damages trust. The last thing you need is for your children to lose trust in you.

This may not be exactly relevant in your case solost but when my ex was being 'difficult' we had a lovely CAFCASS officer who told me always tell my DD the truth, in a child friendly way of course. She told me not to cover for him or excuse him to DD as I would be building her up for a fall, I would be creating this image of a good and perfect daddy but one day she will realise for herself that he isn't that person and this would be far more damaging to her in the long run. So I don't enable my ex to be a git by covering for him and I don't think you should be doing so with yours either. I am sure that you can find a way to tell your children what they need to know in a way that is kind and easy for them to understand.