Husband left after affair but want him back

[solost]

Hi, am new to mumsnet have never done anything like this before so here goes. In mid August I found out my husband of 17 years has been having an affair for 5 months with a 'work colleague'. He left me and our 3DC's within a couple of days. Since then he has visited us often, is attentive and caring towards me, and when he is working away - which is quite often, calls or texts frequently to talk to the dcs but inevitably ends up speaking for hours to me. He maintains he loves me as much as he did before the affair, that I did nothing wrong, that he was not disastisfied with any aspect of our marriage - I was the perfect wife? But the feelings he has for the OW are 'deeper'. Is there any hope for us? I feel that he is living a fantasy and that one day he will realise this and what he has thrown away - am I deluding myself? Please help, I miss him so much, have been with him since I was 15 and really don't want to give up on everything we had.

ANNIEGETYOURGUN: Exactly!

THUMBPLUMPUDDINGWITCH: I have told him they need to hear ALL the truth. We spoke today about this. He came round to see DCs this evening and littlest DD cried when he left again. It really breaks my heart. How long before she stops missing him? I arn't doing Xmas cards this year, have told most people. Cards which we have received have been mainly from friends who already know.

Another development, H put his notice in at work today - he has a new job, and is now on 3 months 'gardening leave' - 3 months sat in BB's flat until he can start his new job!

Thanks for the hug! Really needed it tonight x

So - does that mean he won't be working in the same place as BB any more? Has he told you if he's on more or less money? (Let's hope it's more since he'll be paying for two households)

You see - you are coming on so well, you didn't even need my input on what you tell the DC - you have the strength and fight to tell him what to do with his half-baked ideas by yourself. Soon you won't need us to help you forward at all, you're getting all the nouse you need. But of course we're still here for any wavering or unsurenesses you may still have. :)

No, they never actually worked at the same co. They met when they were working together on a 'project!' (different co's). BB works mainly from home and now H does too!

He showed me his contract for his new job, even put me on insurance for his new co car! Is getting a little more money, but more bonus's. Said he could'nt work at prev place any longer - I think his old friends saw him in a 'new light' after what he did.

Thanks for your support

solo, keep your chin up girly!

BTW, there was not a dry eye in the house at our nativity play the other day, these things are moving.

Try not to look for sadness, try to be strong love.

It could actually be worse, you could be living a lie. Most women whose H does the dirty are oblivious for years. So all your memories end up feeling fake.

Would write more, but tough week.

Hugs to you and thinking of you.

Solo it must be hard this time of year. .

Hope you start to pick up soon, he really is a wimp isnt he.

I have to ask why has he put you his estranged wife on his co car .

Do you remember when it snowed and how you and the dcs had so much fun together - think you even responded to one of H's persistent phone calls with something along those lines and I had a image of H on the outside looking in. Well that's how Christmas is going to be, you, the children, the ILs, your family all cosy together.

Hi solost, big ((hug)) for you. It's good that your H had to change his job because of workmates reactions, will help bring home the consequences of what he's done/doing. I hope lots of things in his life are very uncomfortable and people are holding a mirror up to him from all corners.

You might also be feeling a bit down because you reaching the beginning of the end....telling the dcs, instructing a solicitor. And that's perfectly understandable, you have come so far, so fast, a wobble is permitted

Also you want to continue to believe that H will be a good provider for the dcs as evidence of his commitment to you, so why rock the boat with a solicitors? But unless his income is sizable, an can support two households (including a 4 bed house {hmm])at some point that will stop. That is why a solicitor is necessary.

My father screwed us, his dcs, over financially in totally shocking circs (don't want to derail thread with the details). I do have a good relationship with him now (speak fondly of him on here & have utilised his expertise to help other MNers) because they are not pantomime villains, rotten to the core, they can be charming, funny, witty, kind, but do not underestimate the selfishness that leads to an affair not spilling out into other arenas of their life too.

He has acted according to the script then, wanting to backtrack from telling the DCs about the OW. Don't let him. Keep reminding him as the date draws near (Friday isn't it?) that you will be revealing all about the OW, even if he doesn't.

I'm not surprised he's changed jobs rather than face his colleagues' contempt. I think I said in the early days of this thread that I thought he was a man who had a very high opinion of himself and placed disproportionate value on the esteem he was held in by others. I expect he will lie when he goes to his new company and claim there was a gap between relationships; after all, that's what the OW did, wasn't it?

Solost I'm also not surprised you are feeling low atm. Strangely enough, whenever I think back to the Christmas before everything happened to me, I have always shuddered, because little did I know it at the time, but so much pain was ahead.

So rather than having more positive memories of last year's festivities, I think it would be better for you to reframe this. I know I keep telling you that in truth, your H hasn't changed and I expect you feel defensive when I keep saying it. But last Christmas, your H wasn't a wonderful selfless man you know. He was a man who would very soon give himself permission to deceive his family. Ignorance about him was never blissful, really.

This time of year is really hard, because of events at the school and all the childish innocence and excitement from the DCs. It reminds us all of a time when life seemed innocent for us, too. It would be almost impossible not to feel maudlin atm after all that has happened to you. I hope you understand that and I sympathise hugely.

I know you will also be fearing telling the DCs and I know it was a conversation you hoped you could avoid. It is no wonder you're feeling low and defeated. I'm pretty certain your older one won't be completely surprised though. IME, it is the older ones who need more attention and explanations and yet also want to retreat into their shell and not ask too many questions.

WRT Christmas itself, be guided I think by what the DCs want to do, after they have heard the truth. I would also suggest if you can, to create a few new Christmas traditions and memories, so that you will be less tempted to recall happier times.

Thinking of you and sending you strength.

solost - please don't be hard on yourself. This is a difficult time of year for many people for many different reasons. Of course you are going to feel it and worry about how it affects the children. You seem very strong and your children are obviously your priority so they will be fine but you are only human and will have blips. Don't really have much advice - but please don't be too hard on yourself.

OK, telling the children.

You need to give this a lot of thought, telling them that you love their father and he does not love you will lead them to think that you must have done something wrong, something so bad that their daddy moved out.

I am sorry, very sorry, to sound so harsh and of course they need to be told the truth but just think very carefully about how you want it phrased and what you want them told. I do not give a damn about what he wants said this is about you and your children. They will be living with you and need to continue to have respect for you and your choices despite being so young. I can absolutely guarantee that even if you do not put all the blame on him they will as they get older see who has behaved in an honourable fashion; and who has not.

I would suggest going down the line of you both not loving each other anymore (and of course you both still love them) and that Daddy has now decided to move in with someone who he has fallen in love with. You are upset for everyone (as perhaps is their daddy) but you will make it alright. It will then be possible to uncover how they feel about meeting the new skank woman in his life. I hope they will agree with you that it is to early and they need to adjust to the new way of life first.

I am pretty sure form your posts that you will put your children and their relationships first but I know how emotions run high when this happens and how easy it is to slip in a comment that is intended to make them see Daddy is to blame that can backfire.

I would also say WRT the DC, thye may very well surprise you Solo, they probably know more than you think they do, and the conversation will actually open up a dialogue that will be very healthy and welcome to them.

I'll be thinking of you

There's an expression for this: having your cake and eating it.

Only you can change things here. If you want him back, leave a big, big space.

And if you don't want him back (or aren't sure..), leave a big space anyway. It's the only way to protect yourself and the DCs! Gather around you people that you know are loyal and who love you all. If he must see the DC, he must. If you must discuss things about them, then you can do so (even if it seems torturous right now.)

This is the first and last Christmas that will be like this. You can probably realistically promise yourself that you'll never be in this position again. Horrible, hard, yes, but it really is survivable.

Although you want/need to work out what to say to the DCs, I suspect your ex feels exceedingly guilty, and doesn't want them to know the whole truth. You can give them facts, but not opinion (other than empathy - this might be quite a shock, etc). Maybe it won't be a shock, and they'll have questions of their own. I like what LittleMiss said about being open to it becoming a dialogue.

Remember, when you see other families/couples out and about or across the road with the lights on, don't assume it's all roses round the door in everyone else's house. That is almost never the truth of it.. huge, huge amount of luck to you!! MN is always here if you need a rant!

PS I agree with the posters on here about telling the DCs the truth, they may feel exceedingly angry later if the truth comes out and they realise they've been lied to. If you stick to facts, and just the ones they 'need' to know, you may find it easier.

Solost lots of great advice and of course you are feeling low.

At the risk of nagging please think long and hard about how you will want to spend Christmas Day irrespective of whether you have told your dc what is going on. I know they are looking forward to the restaurant but at that age they can easily be persuaded into excitement at any number of different plans. I think you are making a mistake to continue with this plan and should rethink otherwise you will spend time dreading going, enduring it on the day and then the unknown post mortem of it afterwards.

People said to me how dc are much more resilient than we think and I wouldnt have it but the fact is they are

Keep going Solost you are coping brilliantly

Don'tdistheteens - I really disagree with you about the idea that "telling them that you love their father and he does not love you will lead them to think that you must have done something wrong, something so bad that their daddy moved out."

I told my ds (4) that "daddy doesn't love mummy any more, but he loves you very much. We both love you very much", because it was the truth. He seemed happier once I had done that because he could understand it. He doesn't seem to think I have committed some kind of heinous crime.

I am sure that Solo's dc know that she still loves her H. I think it would be wrong to lie about it.

Would like to second GettingEasier's advice.

Don't agree to arrangements you actually don't want to do yourself. If you agree to take DCs anywhere you feel uncomfy, no matter how good an actress you are they'll be able to sense your unhappiness, and maybe even feel responsible for that. You don't have to martyr yourself.

It may be too early for you to see that you have some power in the situation, but really, you do. You don't have to agree to much right now. Neither do you need to pick a fight about anything, just decide what you'd like to do and let him work out a way to fit in with your plans. TBH, I think that's the way it ought to be. Not to deliberately inconvenience him, but don't agree to anything that makes you feel anymore emotionally unsafe than you already are. You have rights too, and surely deserve to have space for those.

Firepile I agree.

I told the dc he didnt love me anymore but it didnt change how he felt about them . Mine were 10 and 13 so it wouldnt have made sense to say to them we loved each other as the obvious question would then be Why are you splitting up then.

Firpile and gettingeasier, my children were a little older and this is how they felt

I am not for one second suggesting you fudge solo, nor say anything that is not true however, please think it through as much as you can bear.

What a terrible thing to happen don'tdiss... I am so glad that my ds doesn't seem tohave responded in this way.

have you said upthread how old your DC were, don'tdiss? That is very unkind of them - presumably they had some kind of hero-worship thing going on with their Dad, did they? Very :( for you.

Dontdiss its very hard even now not to let comments about xh slip , I did so once after a few drinks and it was only minor but boy did it backfire !!

I think thats something these exs dont realise how much we are always having to protect their image and integrity on an ongoing basis. Sometimes I long to tell dc some truths but hope I never do

They will work it out